


Samsara: Semi Sacred Geometry

by Shivani



Series: Samsara [4]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, Naruto, Prey (Video Game 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dimension Travel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-19 05:26:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 92,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22239250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shivani/pseuds/Shivani
Summary: Sequel toSamsara: Egregori. Four lives, countless assassins, mad scientists, and more corruption than you can (presumably) shake a stick at.
Relationships: Reborn/Sawada Tsunayoshi
Series: Samsara [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1190533
Comments: 132
Kudos: 305
Collections: Katekyou Hitman Rhyne, Rhyne's Chakra Coils





	1. λ25: 01: Konoha

**Author's Note:**

> **1**. Title taken from Prey (2017). The song is played twice in the game, once in the Yellow Tulip (bar) found in Crew Quarters, and once during the end credits. (My personal preference is for the Danielle Sho version [sung by Mae Whitman] and not the one available on the OST.) 
> 
> **2**. Alterations to canon, of course. I did spend plenty of time at the (various) wiki( s) [and in the case of Naruto, at the manga], so shit that's wrong is deliberate. 
> 
> **3**. I went a little insane at one point. 
> 
> **4**. Shout-outs to at least two video games, but I won't bother to specify. And at least one movie. 
> 
> **5**. Not every chapter is 10k, specifically, chapter eight, but that's just how it goes. 
> 
> **6**. Certain ideas scavenged from a thread at Reddit.
> 
>  **7**. Originally, something in here was supposed to be its own story. Yeah, that did not work out.
> 
> 1.0 (2020 01 13): Initial assembly.

## λ25  
01: Konoha

When he woke up it was to see a stained ceiling and unfamiliar surroundings. A slow look round revealed that the place was a shithole on top of being dirty and cluttered with things. A glance down the length of his body revealed that he was about the usual age, though it was hard to say for sure. There was a calendar on the wall, but seeing it did nothing to relieve his general ignorance.

‘Where the hell are we this time?’ Hayato asked, sounding more than a bit confused.

Tsuna sighed and got up, then hunted down a bathroom. A look in the mirror—a sad thing covered in dried water splotches and bits of furring dust—revealed spiky blond hair, startling blue eyes, and odd whisker-like marks on his cheeks. It was a pleasant enough face, though there was a suggestion of mischief in it for some reason.

A thorough investigation of the flat showed that he was alone. The refrigerator had food in it, but all of it was either expired or on the verge of expiring, and the cupboards had far too much in the way of cup ramen. A look out the window showed a town that was vaguely Japanese.

‘Are those fucking ninja?’ Hayato said.

‘Are you the only one awake in there?’ he asked, eyeing the oddly-dressed people who were doing things like leaping from roof to roof over gaps far too wide for a normal human being, or quite literally walking up the sides of buildings.

‘Yeah. Dunno why. I’m thinking maybe we should play this one quiet to start. You’re alone here, in a flat with only a single futon, so it’s obvious you live on your own, which is damned weird. How about you send out a window while I kick the others awake?’

He nodded. The very idea that someone of his age was living alone was so crazy that he immediately wondered if he was being watched or monitored in some way. Having his family materialize bodies would be a bad idea in that case, and quite possibly bring down some form of authority to investigate.

With that in mind he opened a window in their-eyes-only mode and sent it out into the town. There seemed to be two distinct classes, that of civilian and ninja, and those two were further split by normal considerations such as wealth or family. Some of the ninja types appeared to be on a different level if the masks meant anything, masks which resembled some kind of creature.

‘What the fuck?’ Sin said flatly. ‘Ninja?’

Tsuna nodded again, his eyes on the window. ‘This is probably going to be as weird as λ15 was. Possibly more so.’

‘Have you put up the usual yet?’ Daemon asked sleepily.

Tsuna shook his head, but also very subtly retrieved an anchor from his storage and set to work. ‘Depending on whether my suspicions are correct or not, we may have to add in quite a bit of runework, as well. The confunding properties of the Bounding Box only reach so far, so if someone were trying to spy through the windows from a distance…’

‘Considering what I’m finding in your body’s memories,’ Mukuro said darkly, ‘there’s a fuckton of shit we need to discuss.’

His brow went up as he moved to the approximate center of the flat and placed the anchor. For anyone spying from a distance it would look like a poorly-constructed, crude statue of some unidentified animal. Afterward he flopped onto the sofa (constructed from spare bits of wood and a futon of questionable condition) and closed his eyes.

Once inside his own mind he took a seat at the table and looked at Mukuro expectantly.

“Well,” his Mist said unhappily. “This body is Uzumaki Naruto, age six, and a student of the ninja academy here in Konohagakure no Sato. We are in the Elemental Nations, in Hi no Kuni. Sadly, before your awakening, this body appears to have had very little use for its brains, so information is lacking. You are … reviled.”

His brow went back up.

“The most commonly used epithet is ‘demon brat’, though we’re going to need to do research to figure out precisely what’s going on. There has to be a reason why you’re the local whipping boy, and I can’t see it being the evidence in your body’s memories that you’re a prankster. Anecdotal evidence is showing that the civilians are nearly united in hating your body. The shinobi mostly ignore you, but there are watchers. Your body didn’t notice them, but sifting through these memories… You have watchers. They wear animal masks.”

“So some kinda elite,” Ken said.

“Presumably,” Mukuro said agreeably. “Next, your body was in an orphanage. There was some big ruckus a few years back that saw a lot of people dead, including your body’s parents, I must assume. Your body is adamant on becoming a ninja with an end goal of becoming Hokage, all so that the people will have to respect you.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. His body’s original mind was clearly more than a bit slow, though considering the child was hated, it was doubtful that many, if any, bothered to try to teach him the basics. Attention-seeking behavior? Lambo, anyone? Except for the part where Lambo was quite smart once he got a bit older and started to grow out of his youthful stupidity.

“Right, so, we have to assume some of the animal masks are keeping watch on this flat. If the civilians here hate me, they might be motivated to attack anywhere, and a sleeping child would be an easy target. And if some of the ninja hate me, they would presumably have a lot more in the way of skill to accomplish the same, though I expect that their leader, this Hokage, would not be impressed by his people assaulting or attempting to murder a child without orders.”

“Civilians, however…” Chikusa said. “We need to either find a safe place to materialize, or Heul needs to do the runework so we can safely bring out the trunk. All of the rooms here have windows, though I would still recommend using a secondary Bounding Box to cover it.”

“The other option is a secret base,” Sin said. “Leave a clone here to keep the attention of any watchers, leave via _Between_ , and reconnoiter. It doesn’t even have to be inside the village, not with the way we can slip through the cracks of existence.”

“I’m going to ‘wake up’,” he said. “A clone can be crafted around me, to hide me, and then I’ll go _Between_. Find a decent spot, you all can materialize, and then we do a thorough search. Meet back here once it gets dark. I want everyone to keep a window on the clone, just in case. The clone can do child things here.”

Everyone nodded, so he twisted his perception outward again. A moment later a clone formed around his supine form, and Tsuna easily slipped _Between_ to escape any watchers. He found a dense stand of trees to pause in and stepped out long enough to send out a pulse of Sky Flames, to see if there was anyone nearby. Finding no one he nodded slightly.

His family materialized bodies for themselves, nodded, and stepped _Between_.

It was full dark and Tsuna was carefully etching runes into the frame and wall around the kitchen window. When he finished he took the time to power them with magic, then moved on to the bathroom after taking the trunk from storage and shoving it up against the wall where it could not be seen from outside unless the watcher was right there at the window and something of a contortionist. He also placed a secondary Bounding Box, anchored to the chest itself.

An hour later he was done in both the bathroom and living area, so he returned to the kitchen, entered the trunk, and watched as his family materialized again. Tsuna moved straight to the trunk’s kitchen so he could prepare a meal, and the others arrayed themselves at the table, Sin aside, who moved to assist him.

“This place is strange,” Hayato said, then got back up to make tea.

He honestly wondered at times what happened to the food materialized bodies consumed. Did it disperse into everything, like the results of a vanishing spell? They ate for the taste, for the pleasure of it, and he was more than happy to provide.

“We need to deeply investigate a number of places,” Daemon said. “The library, for one. The Hokage’s tower, for another. And finding a place to create a stronghold, a base of operations.”

Hayato glanced over his shoulder. “And where the defects are, so we can kill them.”

“Okay, who wants what?” he asked.

Hayato immediately volunteered for the library, as did Mukuro.

“Use the doubling charm to make copies of everything,” he said. “I know they won’t last for more than a couple of weeks, but that’s more than enough time to scan them. OCR software may or may not work on the scans, but either way we’ll have copies.”

“And we can print them out,” Xeul said. “I want the Hokage’s tower. They probably hide the really interesting stuff there.”

Tsuna nodded. “Same deal. Duplicate, scan…”

“I am going hunting for defects,” Daemon said.

“Um… I’m also going to more deeply investigate how the economy works here,” Hayato said, serving tea to everyone.

Ken and Chikusa shared a look. “Stronghold,” Ken said. “I noticed a fenced off area, quite large, circular, with a tower at the center. I plan to start there. Maybe we could slide something in under the tower, depending on how it’s built. If that doesn’t pan out, we could check outside the village walls. Whatever we choose, it should probably be underground.”

“Given that,” Chikusa added, “we will need to brush up on runes for air circulation, water supply, and so forth. Possibly hydroponics.”

“We already know that Naruto is reviled,” Sin said, “but what I discovered is that he is regularly sold the absolute worst of supplies and food. The contents of the refrigerator weren’t because the child was too silly to pay attention. He’s regularly overcharged for everything, which would explain all those cup noodles. Naruto is a regular at a place called Ramen Ichiraku. A man by the name of Teuchi runs it, along with his daughter, Ayame. Those two are some of the very few who like Naruto and are happy to see him.”

“Which might also explain the all the cup noodles,” he mused as he started portioning out stir fry with Sin’s help.

A bit later Tsuna emerged to blend with his clone and disperse it, then lie down to sleep for the night, knowing that someone would be shorting their own sleep to keep an eye on him despite the protections.

He woke up to a hand on his shoulder and nearly sliced it off with a manifested blade of flames he only barely prevented himself from forming.

“What are you doing!?” a male voice demanded. “You’re supposed to be in class right now.”

He very intelligently said, “Bwuh?”

The man’s face was set in a harsh, annoyed expression, but Tsuna knew he could not have gotten in if he intended actual harm. “Get up, get dressed. I’m going to make sure you make it to class.”

Tsuna ducked away and skittered into the bathroom so he could take care of the usual, then got dressed in the only clothes on hand. He loved the colour orange, but to have it be the _only_ colour in his wardrobe of shabby jumpsuits was a bit much.

He was then hauled off to the academy and firmly directed to a seat, and the man walked to the front of the classroom so he could begin a lecture. Tsuna was left a skosh confused by it all. Part of him paid attention to what was being said, but the larger part of him began to subtly observe his fellow classmates.

They were a mismatched lot. Some wore what he assumed were the symbols of their families, along with high-quality clothing. Some were a bit more shabby or merely average in terms of a display of wealth or stature. And, while they generally tended to pay attention to the lecture, not a minute went by without one of them randomly sending a glare or look of annoyance his way.

‘It seems their parents have taught them hate early,’ Daemon commented into his mind.

He sighed almost imperceptibly. ‘Yeah. Oh happy day.’

The lecture dragged on seemingly forever, and then they were allowed a break for lunch—not that Tsuna had anything to eat—and then they were herded outside so they could get in some practice with blunted kunai, as well as be shown the basics of the academy taijutsu. Well, everyone else was. Tsuna was generally ignored, given annoyed looks, or brushed aside when someone else suddenly required additional help.

It was interesting how neither Mizuki-sensei nor Iruka-sensei managed to actually work their way around to him to ensure he was doing things correctly. Funny, that. How nice to find that the very shinobi responsible for teaching him to be a good little ninja were actively against him.

Before they were released for the day Iruka shoved a paper at him. “A reminder, since you seem to have forgotten what days you’re supposed to come here for class. Now off with you.”

‘This is helpful,’ he thought as he meandered off, shrugging off the dirty looks without a second thought. He continued on his way to the flat and inside, relaxing slightly at the feel of his protections. True, they hadn’t stopped that teacher, but that just meant the man had not come with the intention of hurting him.

He formed a clone around himself and, when in an optimal position, separated from it and headed into the trunk. Naruto might have been brainwashed to exist on ramen (and cheap ramen at that) and enjoy it, but Tsuna was having no part of that nonsense.

Baking shortly commenced, as well as preparations for dinner, though he did snack a bit as he worked so he could fill the hole in his stomach from a lack of lunch. A momentary twinkle off to the side told him that Daemon had drifted off to do his own work while continuing to keep an eye on him.

It might take a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but they would strip the village down to the ground (or below) and uncover every last secret of interest, then decide as a family how to handle things.

“Me,” Sin said, his expression saying he would not budge.

Tsuna shot him a fond smile. “Was there ever any doubt?”

Daemon raised a hand briefly. “I think it would be of great benefit to have a Mist-primary.”

He nodded. “Then that means one of you guys gets to play Papa, someone can be a brother, and the last three as children of the completely made up family.”

Xeul immediately claimed the “father” role and Mukuro was quick to claim the “brother” spot.

“Er, how old are we ‘kids’ supposed to be?” Chikusa asked.

Tsuna shrugged. “You can be old enough to help with the as-yet-to-be-determined clan trade, or young enough to get stuck in the civilian school.”

Three sets of eyes narrowed, a look bounced around, and all three decided that school was off the table. What a shock.

“We have boatloads of gold and can always steal more,” Xeul said, “so we could make like we’re newcomers to Konoha, get approved, buy some land, and set up house. Ward the place to the teeth with an eye toward Heul, Sin, and Daemon being invited to live with us. As for a trade…”

“Home remedies?” Mukuro suggested. “It can’t be a restaurant, not unless Heul’s clones can stand up to being kicked around during taijutsu practice at that shithole of an academy. Other classes I spied on showed the students sparring with each other.”

He groaned quietly. He was more of a brawler than a martial artist, for fuck’s sake. He might actually have to learn things properly this time.

Xeul smirked at him. “On a side note, I have completed my investigation of the Hokage’s tower and found a very interesting document hidden away in there—and no, I’m not referring to the old man’s extensive porn collection.”

“The old man I supposedly look up to as something of a grandfather?” Tsuna said.

Xeul nodded. “Though why he reads that low-class smut I’ll never know. It’s barely better than Weasley-level of writing.”

Half the room shuddered.

“The Scroll of Seals—which yes, I have duplicated and will be scanning shortly—has a very interesting technique on it, called Shadow Clone. It is, in many ways, quite similar to our clones. Shadow clones, however, when destroyed, transfer their memories back to the creator.”

Sin started cackling along with Daemon, Mukuro, and Hayato, with Chikusa chuckling a heartbeat later.

“They can’t be used for physical development,” Xeul stressed, “but knowledge, muscle memory, chakra control—those are all fair game.”

“So let me see if I’m understanding this right,” he said. “I could create a dozen of these shadow clones, set them to doing kata until it’s reflex, then dispel them, and I gain all the benefits.”

Xeul nodded. “And then when you make the next batch, they already have that and can progress further, getting faster, more precise, or what have you.”

“The knowledge aspect alone is priceless,” Hayato said. “We could send clones to the libraries—except… We’ll have to test if these shadow clones can use flames, magic, or chakra. If they can’t duplicate books and scrolls…”

“According to the scroll, it takes a whole lot of chakra to even make one of them, never mind a bunch. And we still have to see about Tsuna unlocking his chakra. And us, assuming we can with these constructed bodies. Considering how many lifetimes of augmentation we have, I imagine we’d be quite powerful despite not having done so at the recommended age and increasing reserves over time.

“Also, there’s a bunch of other techniques on the scroll, including variants on the shadow clone technique, but those can wait. Let’s see about unlocking chakra coils first, and seeing if there’s a way to test how much we have before we get cocky.”

“If they can use our skills,” Chikusa said, “then yes, they would be incredibly useful for more quickly getting our local library up to snuff.”

“Well,” Hayato said, “I took the normal library, and there’s a wealth of information in there. I think I should switch to going through the academy library instead, though, since the general library has very little on shinobi stuff.”

“The archive library has data on their shinobi forces,” Mukuro said, “records of each and every academy student, and any registered ninja, living or dead. It’s not quite as useful right at the moment. I think I’ll help with the academy library to speed things up, and later we can see about more advanced techniques, the archives, police records, and so forth.”

“And sneaking into people’s homes to acquire copies of whatever they have,” Daemon said. “Depending on how boring things are, we could take a few trips so we can open windows in other villages, shift some clones over…”

The first time he made a shadow clone showed them all exactly why chakra control really was important. When he came to he had a bitch of a headache, like someone simultaneously had stuck a drill behind one eye while expanding a balloon inside of his head, which also felt like it was on fire. His stomach was also threatening to throw up everything he had eaten in the past week. Had he not been in so much pain he would have been fascinated how it all stuck to one side of his head.

“I think this might be something like a migraine,” he whispered, which caused a flurry of movement nearby and a surprisingly cool hand to gently touch his forehead. Moments later the pain began to recede, which caused him to sigh in relief. “Thank you,” he whispered. “That’s helping.”

“I’ll get you fixed up, tesoro,” Sin whispered back.

A few minutes later he dared to open his eyes and cautiously sit up. “Lesson learned,” he said dryly. “We need to treat this like magic. We need to be able to only use as much as we need.”

Ken snickered at him. “You made like a thousand of the damn things. I thought we were going to suffocate or something.”

After he was set up with something to drink, he sat back to listen to Hayato’s impromptu lecture on chakra control techniques.

An hour later he was staring at a leaf in resignation. But then, so was everyone else. “When is the made-up clan moving into the village?” he asked as he tried to stick the leaf to his forehead with chakra. He barely had it in place before it blasted across the room and disintegrated from the force of impact with the wall.

“Next week,” Xeul said. “I already tracked down a courier and had them deliver fair warning to the Hokage that we’d be arriving and looking to settle.”

“And you two?” he asked, looking at Sin and Daemon as he reached for another leaf.

“Tomorrow,” Daemon said. “I’ll slip us in as orphans who have always been there, but have been recovering from an illness, which delayed our entry into the academy. We’ll join you in class the day after, most likely.”

“And then we can form a little gang of troublemakers who strangely never cause much trouble,” Sin said. “At least, not anything they can ever pin on us. We wouldn’t be very good troublemakers if we left evidence behind.”

Two days later they had two new students in Tsuna’s class. Coincidentally, there were open seats to either side of him. It had nothing to do with him being a pariah, he was certain. Also, there were open seats in front of him. He had been relegated to the back corner simply by virtue of the other students arriving early enough to ensure it.

Daemon sat to his right and Sin to the left. All was well with the world.

That and Tsuna had finally managed to get a leaf to stick to his forehead for a whole second before it blasted off and dissolved on impact with the nearest hard surface.

Later that day, as he was making dinner for everyone, Mukuro said, “Bad news, Heul. Apparently, Uzumaki have this weird thing going on where they not only have loads of chakra, but it’s denser and it keeps naturally expanding all the way through until maturity, so you’ll probably be doing chakra control exercises for years just to stay on top of things.”

“For fuck’s sake,” he muttered as he carefully rolled a paper thin sheet of egg.

“Good news bad news,” Mukuro continued, “I have found the names of your body’s parents. They are Uzumaki Kushina, originally from Uzushiogakure, and…”

His brow went up at the delay. A quick glance over his shoulder showed that Mukuro looked oddly conflicted.

“Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage.”

The spatula Tsuna was using somehow found itself embedded in the wall, so he calmly opened a drawer and got out a new one to use. The only thing he said was, “Huh,” as he continued to cook.

“They were both killed during the attack back the day your body was born, when the Kyūbi attacked Konoha for whatever reason. So basically, you were born right in the middle of a shitstorm.”

He shrugged. “And of course, no one knows this information, probably because from what I’ve read about the Yondaime, a truck-load of people would just love to get some bizarre form of revenge on Namikaze by brutally murdering his son. And they hate me…?”

“…Maybe they associate you with that shitstorm and, unable to kick the Kyūbi in the balls as an expression of their loathing for the being who tried to flatten their village and did kill any number of their friends and family, take it out on you like the idiots they are?” Ken said.

Mukuro smiled. “Hm, no. They hate you because of what’s inside you. The books and the lessons all say the Yondaime killed the Kyūbi, but that’s just a story for the young or the people who can’t be bothered to learn more. No, the Yondaime split the Kyūbi in half, yin and yang chakra, and sealed half of it into your body. The other half he sealed into himself before he was taken by Shinigami as the price for the fūinjutsu he used.”

Tsuna suddenly felt a whole lot better about blood family, especially when Mukuro went into more detail about what he had learned (presumably from Sarutobi Hiruzen), if only because his body’s parents (much like James and Lily Potter) had done everything they possibly could to not only save their village and its people, but also to save their son. Funny how both those sets of parents were in no way related to the mafia and both were coincidentally dead.

“So I have a nine-tailed demon renting space inside me,” he said blandly. “This presents—”

“A problem, yes,” Hayato said. “Because you’ll die a hilariously stupid death, as you always do, and what happens then?”

“Supposedly, if a jinchūriki dies, the tailed beast they contain will be set free, presumably to rampage around, wreck the landscape, and kill everyone they can,” Mukuro said. “Though, given that people keep them locked away in seals, I can sort of understand that reaction.”

“…That wasn’t quite what I was driving at,” he said, serving up plates of food. “If this body is the container for a tailed-beast, does it have any access to my mind?”

Mukuro shook his head. “Not if what I got out of Sarutobi was factual. The seal is pretty damn tight. I sure as hell didn’t catch any hints you were eating for two before we materialized.”

Daemon and Xeul shook their heads. “We didn’t sense anything,” they said in unison.

“Also, allegedly, should you die, the Kyūbi would die with you,” Mukuro added, “though Sarutobi’s thoughts on that were slightly wistful. I can’t tell if he’s lying to himself or…”

“What about why Heul is reviled?”

Mukuro wrinkled his nose. “Because Namikaze and Sarutobi were both naïve fools. Namikaze wanted his son to be seen as a hero—you know, for containing the beast—and Sarutobi did inform the village. Naturally, they turned all their hatred onto the child, treating him as if he was the Kyūbi. At that point, Sarutobi used his executive powers to instate a new law, which basically says anyone who spills the knowledge gets a trip to T&I, and then incineration.”

“I’m surprised this village isn’t a ghost town, then,” Sin said dryly. “Well, we definitely need to meddle when the time comes. Fixing team assignments, ‘encouraging’ the right people to fail so that it’s that much more attractive to place the three of us on a team together…”

The new clan moving to Konoha was the major topic of gossip for the next few weeks. The clan purchased space for them in the same area the Uchiha had originally been moved out of when faith in them decreased and they had been ‘encouraged’ to relocate closer to the fringes. Because, hey, nothing like kicking people in the balls as a way to encourage them to straighten up.

The Kuro Clan (because none of them felt like being creative when it came to names) settled in and started with constructing greenhouses (ostensibly) to grow their ingredients in, as well as preparing planting beds for growing food. Under the cover of Mist they were steadily warding the entire compound with a mixture of Tsuna’s anchored Bounding Boxes and runes, though they were looking into learning fūinjutsu.

More methods of protection meant … more protection, after all.

A clone of Naruto slept in the shithole of an apartment while Tsuna had a nice, comfy room at the new place—which meant, thank the gods, he could snuggle up to his lover in sleep. The trunk had been moved, as well, though they were considering crafting a second one. Ken had quite unthinkingly shifted into the house trunk one day and proved beyond doubt that it was possible to do so without harm, but his materialized body might have been the deciding factor.

Tsuna, unwilling to risk dying so damn early, abstained.

Still, while their storages were incredibly invaluable, it would be nice to have a library trunk to store things a bit more handily. Books were so much prettier on shelves, after all, and they were building up quite the collection. Being able to separate things out by dimension was starting to look very attractive.

Thankfully, no one expected the Kuro Clan to start selling remedies anytime soon, not with them having to grow everything first. Even so, the excitement and gossip about a new family in the village made it easier for people to temporarily forget they loathed Naruto. It did not last long, but it was a nice reprieve.

“Bad news,” Mukuro said as Tsuna prepared dinner for them all.

It had been more of the same at the academy—the glares, annoyed looks, and teachers pretending he did not exist should he even look like he might possibly have a question—and it was a comfort to him to come home to the Kuro Clan compound (using a clone as a distraction for his ANBU watchers) and be with his family.

“Apparently the old fossil—”

“Which fossil?” Ken asked. “There are several.”

Mukuro scowled. “The fossil known as Shimura Danzō. He’s been fucking around in the background quite a bit, and none of it is good. One, he runs an offshoot ANBU organization called Root, so there are tunnels and secret compounds under Konoha, filled to the brim with quiet, emotionless, sealed children taken from the orphanage or clan children convinced to join.”

Mukuro looked pleased at the scowls and frowns they were sporting. “Two, he’s angling and meddling with an end result of the potential extinction of the Uchiha Clan.”

“…What?”

Mukuro was kind enough not to point out the obvious. “We need to get in there and find out if there’s any weight behind wanting them gone. If they’re defects, that’s one thing.”

“But not the children,” he said flatly.

“Not the children,” Mukuro said.

“Well, that gives us an interesting task, if nothing else,” Xeul said.

“I might be a bit sleepy in class, though,” Daemon added.

Tsuna scoffed. “Like that’d matter. So long as we keep passing into the next year and pass the actual exam to graduate, it doesn’t matter if we sleep through half the classes. If it wasn’t for the sparring requirements, I’d be sending in clones already.”

Sin smirked at him. “You just hate that you have to do more physically than just punch shit to death.”

He scowled at his lover.

“That and taijutsu spars don’t allow for all your usual tricks.”

Tsuna scowled harder, then turned to his adorably psychotic Mists. “After dinner, if you would please winnow through the wheat and find the chaff? Once we’ve all been updated, we can make a plan, execute it… Or them. Whichever. We will also have to delve into Shimura’s domain, but let’s deal with the Uchiha first.”

“A good number of the adult Uchiha are spoiling for a coup,” Daemon reported. “The clan head and his wife are in on it. They’ve worked themselves up into a froth over real and perceived injustices—that and feeling like they’ve never received enough respect, mostly because too many of them are overly convinced of their own superiority.”

“Out of the younger shinobi in the clan, many of them have no idea what’s brewing,” Mukuro said. “Most are also convinced that the clan head and elders are infallible. If left alive, it could easily result in the same situation a few years or a decade down the line. It might not. It’s hard to say, as they aren’t in the loop, but if they found out, with their current mindsets, they would jump to agree with a coup.”

“On a related note,” Xeul said, “Shimura. I had a look and what I saw isn’t good. First, he’s behind some of the push for a coup, using words as his main weapon. Rumors, specifically, to get them worked up and so that it doesn’t get traced back to him. He’s been meddling behind the scenes for some time. Part of that is him disliking the Uchiha. He’s almost jealous of their skill and that dōjutsu, which leads to the other part, where he’s hoping to collect awakened sharingan from the massacre he’s pushing, for his own use.”

Tsuna’s brow went up. “His own use? He’s not an Uchiha.”

“No, but it is possible for awakened dōjutsu to be transplanted. He already got his hands on one awakened eye, which replaced his right eye—it’s why he has bandages over it, to keep it closed, because a non-Uchiha can’t regulate the power for them properly. Orochimaru helped him obtain an arm from one of the Uchiha, infused with DNA from Senju Hashirama, that has a number of sharingan implanted in it.

“Shimura wants more of them, in case his use of the ones he has causes them to fail. He has fingers everywhere and he’s been manipulating events all over the place. I’ll get into more of that later. Just, for now, know that he’s been manipulating the Uchiha for his own gain. He was the one behind preventing the Uchiha from going on the offensive during the Kyūbi attack, limiting them to protection of the civilians only, and then started the rumors and suspicions that the Uchiha were behind the attack in the first place.”

“Sounds like he’s an excellent strategist,” Chikusa said, “with absolutely no morals or care for his own people. He’s a sociopath at best, thinking of other people as tools.”

Xeul nodded. “He’s a real piece of work.”

“So, if we don’t interfere, the Uchiha Clan will be wiped out, even the children,” he said.

Xeul nodded again. “And all those awakened eyes stolen.”

Tsuna sighed and dropped his gaze to the table. He already knew what his family thought of the situation. He did not need the words spoken out loud. “Then let’s talk about a plan of action. How we’re going to save the children, and prevent any of those eyes from wandering off.”

“We let the action against the coup happen,” Sin said, “but we’re there to hide what’s really happening to the innocents, and the eyes of the dead.”

“Essentially,” he said. “Anyone in the academy or younger is to be protected.”

“If Shimura plans to sweep in after and help himself to all those eyes, would it be better to fool him into thinking he’s succeeded, or outright spike every eye there?” Ken said.

“Fake him out,” Hayato said. “We can always store them so that no one will get their hands on them, or destroy them after the fact, but faking him out means he goes bugnuts later on once he realizes he’s been fooled, and then he wastes time trying to figure out who actually obtained them.”

“And if that someone took them for their own use, or is actively working against him,” Chikusa said.

“We can’t use shadow clones,” Mukuro said, “even if we could use them, so it’ll have to be our type of clones to fool whoever ends up going there to kill the clan members. Heavy on the confusion properties.”

“I will make the clones,” Tsuna said. “I still have way more experience with those using Cloud to manipulate how they affect people. That leaves all of you to use Mist to further complicate matters and hide that you’ve extracted any and all eyes. We might want to get in some practice at doing so, so that none of them are damaged.”

“We’ll need a place to hide all those children while this is happening,” Xeul pointed out. “Preferably unconscious, and then moved back in to replace the clone bodies and be found alive by the proper authorities.”

“Do we have a map of any kind of the Uchiha compound?” he asked.

Daemon promptly created an illusion map on the table so they could all see what they had to work with, then pointed at a section of land that a brook passed through. It had a small outbuilding on it. “It’s rarely used from what I could see. They store things there that aren’t often used. I see no reason why we can’t temporarily expand it to accommodate the children, and return it to normal after the fact.”

“And we can use an anchored Bounding Box to gently keep it uninteresting.”

“Any idea when this is going to move forward? It would be helpful to see just how often they go there,” Hayato said. “Because we have two ways of handling this. We either do the runework ahead of time, prime it, and just hold off on activating it until the right moment, or we use the temporary spells, which would mean one of us would need to stay there the whole time.”

Tsuna shook his head. “Temporary. I do not want to place runes and then have to remove them. People in the compound might feel when we’d be priming them, since expansion runes take a fair amount, unlike the ones protecting the windows in that shithole.”

“I’ll do it, then,” Ken said.

“So we need to know how many clones to make, be ready to force those kids to sleep and do the swap—I’m going to assume for the moment that when the attack happens it’ll be at night, so it should be easier on our end. We’ll also need a rotation to keep an eye out for when, so we can act immediately.”

Hayato looked up from a document and said, “There are two hundred forty children twelve and under that are either in the academy still or too young to be.”

Tsuna winced.

“The remainder consist of genin who have not and will not be placed to Uchiha advantage until they reach chūnin, the Konoha Military Police Force—about five hundred of those—the elderly, and adults who never awakened their dōjutsu. Given what we know, it’s possible the unawakened might be spared, but I doubt it.”

Ken nodded. “I can handle the expansion for that many.”

“I will prepare an anchor,” he said. “Any idea who’s going to be tasked with this unsightly mess?”

His twins exchanged a look. “Odds on favorite is Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke’s older brother, a pacifist.”

Brows went up around the table. “A pacifist?”

“The other would be Uchiha Shisui, mostly because of the peculiarities of his sharingan. It’s an ability they call Kotoamatsukami, and it does rather what we do. It mindfucks the target into doing what Shisui wants.”

“Just the one? How many times can it be used?”

“Unknown, but it can reprogram anyone in his field of view.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “Right, okay. I want windows on those two Uchiha. If their dōjutsu can do that kind of shit I want to know the second something happens. Action on their part, attempted theft of their eyes… I also want eyes on Shimura. Between those three, we should know exactly when we need to move on any of this.”

“Then we need to find some defects to experiment on, so we can retrieve any and all eyes without damaging them.”

“We can leave clones behind to work the greenhouses and beds, maybe hunt down a medic-nin and see how they do shit like that. If we do end up failing on the extractions, well, at least the defect won’t get them.”

Tsuna nodded. “Sounds like a plan. I am going to pinpoint exactly where each of those children sleep so I can swap them out quickly. Up until things actually start I would welcome help for that, but the second the attack starts, everyone but Ken needs to be focused on the eyes. If we’re already done shifting the children, I will also be focused on the eyes.”

“…” Sin didn’t say.

“Hm?”

“Time turners,” Sin said. “We need more time during that attack. There’s no way, unless you set up a very special Bounding Box over the entire compound, that we can efficiently handle these numbers. We can double our strength with time turners. Just, you know, our turned selves need to wear different faces.”

Tsuna smiled. “Yes. You know, it makes me wonder. We know that the Hyūga use that seal to prevent the eyes of the branch house from being stolen, as well as giving the main house control over them. Now, I could see why the Uchiha wouldn’t want to be branded that way, but still. A seal that would protect their eyes from theft sounds like an excellent idea.”

“Maybe they don’t trust seals?”

“Should we add the Hyūga Clan to our list?” Chikusa asked. “Come up with a seal that would work on all of them to protect their eyes, but without the ability for anyone to hurt or kill them with it?”

“Perhaps, but that can go on the back burner for now,” Tsuna said. “It’s going to take a lot of work to become proficient with seals, and then to devise something we could hit them all with, plus remove any knowledge of how to make the original seal so they can’t pull this shit again. It might not hurt to do the same to the Uchiha who live through this.”

“We would have an issue down the road with no one else knowing how to apply the thing,” Ken pointed out.

“Again, back burner issue,” he said. “We can all think about it in our spare time. For now, let’s focus on the upcoming issue with the Uchiha Clan.”

“Okay, so, those kids,” Hayato said. “We save them, cool. Totally on board. But… If Shimura is still kicking when everyone suddenly realizes those kids were somehow mysteriously spared…”

The Mists nodded. “We’ll have to do some tinkering to ensure he doesn’t get any ideas,” Daemon said, a spade flashing in his eye for a split second. “We’re going to have to interfere anyway to ensure he doesn’t realize he’s got a box full of air instead of awakened eyes. We can handle both at the same time. One adjustment to make him store away his box of air for later use, and one adjustment to make his thoughts veer away any time he even thinks about those children once it’s revealed they’re alive.”

Tsuna propped his head on one fist. “I wonder how much time we’ll have between the attack and the attack being noticed. Maybe we should store the kids elsewhere? Are there any unused buildings in the village? One of those places that was abandoned after the Kyūbi attack due to deaths and never really used again?”

“Actually,” Mukuro said, “I think we might be going about part of this wrong. There’s no reason we should be using energy to shift all of them. Why not just make portkeys and activate them remotely? Or do you think the kids would wake up?”

“Non-magicals can use portkeys, but it’s pretty rough on them,” Chikusa said. “They would likely wake up.”

Mukuro scowled. “Yeah, you’re probably right. We’d have to ensure all of them would remain asleep first, which is almost as bad as shifting them in the first place. Fuck.”

While Tsuna was attending the laughable excuse for a shinobi academy with Sin and Daemon, the others were busy at work mapping the Uchiha compound precisely and marking where each child slept. They were shown, after being released for the day, windows to each bedroom so that everyone knew exactly where they’d be shifting kids from. With two hundred forty kids it meant they each had to shift thirty to the safehouse, fifteen for each person and the other fifteen for their turned selves.

The safehouse, rather than being the outbuilding by the brook, had been moved to a building clear across the village that hadn’t been in used in years. Why, he didn’t know, but an inspection of the place revealed nothing in particular to worry about. He briefly considered turning the place into their stronghold, but reason prevailed over convenience.

If the village was ever attacked, the building could be destroyed. They could make it invisible with the Fidelius Charm, but without testing they were uncertain as to whether or not concussive force, fire, or similar attacks would get through, especially if they were area-of-effect attacks rather than directly at the spot the building was hiding at.

“We’ll have to test that,” Ken said. “It would be useful information.”

He nodded. “For now, let’s just protect it the normal way.” An anchored Bounding Box was set up to keep anyone curious away and they set to work etching in what would be temporary runework, stuff that could be scraped down or sanded away later. Whenever possible they hid them behind other things or at angles they would be unlikely to be noticed at.

He would have gone so far as to clean the place up, but it was only intended for temporary storage. They could shift in cots or something so the children did not get covered in dust (which would leave clues, though how much of one he wasn’t sure) and would not have to rest on an uncomfortable floor. The dust was the main reason, though, as simply being alive should be enough. And if it wasn’t? He’d be tempted to call them whiny brats, but even he would admit that losing the majority of your clan in one night would be cause for flipping the odd table.

‘Sometimes I think I’m still too cold,’ he thought, ‘but I know I’m not, not if I can become so close to strangers, like Nanako-chan, Kanji-kun, and Naoto-kun. I’m not completely closed off.’

Several members of his family paused in their work to smile at him, which caused him to roll his eyes. Damned mind-readers. Snoopy, beloved bastards.

Thankfully it was full dark when they got the alert. All the little kiddies were in their beds and sleeping, fully unaware of the horror to come. Everyone took their assigned batches of children and shifted them to cots in the safehouse. A good half of them disappeared without their intervention, which simply proved that their time-turned selves were at work and gave them extra confidence that the overall plan would work.

The clones in their beds were “sleeping” and the moment anyone came to kill them the confusion properties would kick in. Unfortunately, that meant they had all been crafted by Tsuna so that he had a direct link to them. As a result, he was in the safehouse and out of reach, rather than Ken, guarded by the runework and the anchored Bounding Box.

Who actually showed up was a bit of a mystery. Shisui was already dead. Shimura _thought_ he had one of the boy’s eyes, and Itachi _thought_ he had the other one, gifted to him by Shisui prior to the boy killing himself. Itachi showed up, as ordered, to kill every single member of his clan (and wasn’t it just convenient that they were all there that night) bar his brother Sasuke.

He had a helper, though, someone clearly an Uchiha, who claimed to be Uchiha Madara (an allegedly dead man), but in the end he wasn’t much of a fly in their ointment. Tsuna didn’t doubt one of his family tagged the guy to see where he went after the fact.

“Madara” went after the KMPF while Itachi went after the civilians. As each child was about to be killed, Tsuna activated the confusion properties of the clone so that Itachi would think he succeeded (not that the boy lingered beyond making a sure kill). The boy was very, very good as a shinobi, and Tsuna could sort of understand going after the kids first.

All the potential screaming from adults still awake might wake the little ones up and cause massive chaos, which would greatly hinder his mission. The only one bypassed was Sasuke, but he expected that, and it was the only reason he had not switched the kid out. He was, however, keeping an eye on the child.

Itachi wasn’t heartless. Anyone with eyes could see that. The poor kid was dying inside having to follow his orders (from Shimura, of course) to kill his clan, and being a pacifist surely did not help matters. What he did not expect was, after everyone was dead, for little Sasuke to wake up for no damn reason and run out to see the bodies, and for Itachi to attempt to use his sharingan against the kid.

Daemon or Xeul stepped in at that moment, clearly, because Sasuke just stood there blankly, and Itachi seemed to think he had accomplished … something. Itachi left, tears sliding down his face, and Sasuke collapsed on the spot.

Itachi has left the compound, he saw. We’re keeping an eye on all access points for when people come to investigate. It should be safe to shift the kids back and destroy the clones.

Tsuna nodded and starting swapping kids for clones.

The so-called Madara took out the entirety of the KMPF. Unfortunately, he was able to make off with several of the bodies.

He frowned as he worked.

That eye of his has some freaky powers. The bodies disappeared in a swirl. I’m wondering if it’s anything like what we do when we store things.

Tsuna grimaced and continued to shift bodies. What was Itachi trying to do?

One of our time-turned selves handled that, but I did get a look into the kid’s brain. I’ll share the memory once this is all over. The short version is that he was trying to push the kid into becoming strong enough to eventually kill him, hate him enough to do it, as he felt that was the only way he could atone for what he had to do, and the only way he knew for Sasuke to awaken a higher form of sharingan.

That is some seriously bullshit reasoning, he wrote. Yeah, sure, traumatize the fuck out of the kid by killing off the clan, then traumatize him again into fratricide, mostly like against orders if the kid becomes a ninja? Hopefully having the other kids alive, too, will temper Sasuke’s reaction to this mess and focus him on keeping his cousins safe and well, and not turn him into a psycho avenger.

If he goes the psycho avenger route there’s precious little we can do aside from rewiring his brain.

I know. Something I’d really rather not do to a child. Besides, we are not responsible for fixing every damn problem a dimension has, especially since we only ever see one planet.

Don’t jinx us!

O-ho! Great. Next thing we know we’ll be in a space-faring dimension.

I fucking hope not. For all we know I’ll be one of those people who can’t handle zero-G and throws up a lot.

Tsuna snickered quietly. Yeah, no. Our control over gravity would counteract that. That being said, I’m not in any rush to go space-faring.

Heh-hem. It looked quite strange for someone to “clear their throat” in text only. Things are winding down. It’s got to be close to when we turn back for round two. A sweep of the compound has revealed that all eyes have been taken.

And the bodies of the KMPF have had theirs removed, as well, with us only taking our assigned sets. Well, aside from the ones that Uchiha made off with.

…Let’s give it five minutes, then we’ll turn back, he wrote, having learned on his intuition for a hint.

After an exhausting night twice over, they collapsed into beds with the exception of Daemon, who knocked back a Pepper Up to stay awake and keep an eye on things. Someone had to be aware to wake them if necessary, in the event that something went wonky when all those children were found in a compound of death.

Thankfully, they did not have school the next day, so they could sleep themselves out and use sleeping potions to get to bed at a reasonable time later on. Daemon and Xeul had tracked down Shimura ahead of time and mind-fucked him, so he at least should not be a problem, and he could wait a little longer, but not too much longer.

Before he fell asleep he thought it might be better to deal with Shimura as quickly as possible, while there was still hysteria over the near demise of the Uchiha Clan. Maybe a heart attack? The dude was quite old, after all, in his seventies probably.

He could feel Daemon looking his way, feel the malicious smirk, and wondered if, when he woke up, Shimura would already be dead.

He was awake again six hours later, not nearly enough time for a proper rest, but enough to function on. Daemon looked horribly dragged out, but he still had a malicious smirk in place. His brother locked eyes with Xeul.

“All right, hold up there, you two,” he said. “Let’s just open a window to wherever he is, and force his heart to—you know what? Fuck that. I’ll liquefy his brain. While we’re there we can retrieve the eyes he stole. Root itself can wait a little, until after this shock is over and they can stand another one.”

His twins pouted at him, while the others, also waking up, laughed.

Daemon opened a window on Shimura’s location and paused. “I can’t tell from here if he’s alone. There could be members of Root lurking in that office.”

Xeul nodded and, after looking to Tsuna for approval, vanished _Between_.

Tsuna watched as Shimura went blank, like a puppet, completely unresisting when Xeul stepped out of concealment and started doing some surgery. The man’s stolen right eye was taken, along with his entire right arm. The thing was fucking creepy it was that unnatural looking, never mind the multitude of sharingan eyes embedded in it.

Everything disappeared into Xeul’s storage, Xeul nodded, and then stepped back into _Between_.

Tsuna took that as a cue to use his own warped version of mind-fuckery and turned Shimura’s brains to grey soup. Well, he assumed it would look like that. It wasn’t as if he had ever broken open someone’s head after one of his “mistakes”, he just sort of knew what had happened by the feel of it.

Even then they waited a good twenty minutes before Xeul returned and the window was shoved off to the side. “I have to assume that when the Root guards in there wake up they’ll manage an approximation of panic and rouse the compound.”

“Well, let me get started on breakfast for us, and we can pretend this is our favorite TV show,” he said, then headed off to the kitchen.

The others followed, Sin moving to give him a hand. Ken thoughtfully got out hashi, rests, bowls, and plates, then sat down with the others to eye the window. They were enjoying a nice, traditional breakfast when one of the Root members suddenly popped into view, facing the deceased Shimura. While his face was covered and therefore his expression masked, his body language betrayed him. He was shocked and seemed to have no idea how to react.

When the next one popped into view he had much the same reaction, as did the girl who popped out next. It was not until the last of them, another boy, popped out that one finally spoke. “What do we do?” the kid said in a creepy monotone.

“We do not have instructions for this eventuality.”

They stared for a while longer.

“Maybe Shimura-sama will wake?”

“He is missing his arm, that eye, and his chest does not rise and fall.”

“Kami-sama,” Tsuna breathed. “These poor things are useless without direction. Are we rested enough to knock each and every one of them out with Draught of Living Death until we can figure out how to remove the seal on them?”

“Assuming you can locate and shift over enough of the stuff, yes,” Hayato said after assessing his fellows.

Tsuna nodded and opened a windows to various spots in λ15 so he could indulge in a little theft. “We should probably start making and storing a wider variety of potions,” he said as bottles started to appear on the table. “Maybe we could get better results with fūinjutsu in terms of stasis, since the magical version doesn’t seem to work that well on them.”

“There are space-time techniques,” Chikusa said. “It might be the answer we need.”

“And we have four years or so before you’re supposed to graduate,” Mukuro said. “That’s a fair amount of time. Eight years if we repeated every day. Or use shadow clones to exponentially increase our learning rate.”

Xeul and Daemon started dividing the bottle contents into individual portions using a stash of paper cups.

Sin looked at Tsuna for a moment, then said, “You know, you are still hilariously bad with the leaf-sticking exercise. Maybe you should be trying tree walking instead? Maybe you just have too much chakra to start with something that seems to require so much less than you’re currently capable of limiting yourself to?”

Tsuna shifted a few more bottles to the table and closed his windows. “Maybe that is the problem. We’ll have to check it out. If I could finally get the control to do a shadow clone, well, as Mukuro said, that would up my learning exponentially. I could potentially make enough progress that I could do the leaf-sticking exercise. Now, let’s start dosing these poor drones.”

“They’ll be safe enough down there for the time being,” Hayato said. “But I think we should keep eyes on the entrances, in case any Root were out on missions.”

He nodded.

“On a side note, I have bad news,” Xeul said. “The tag on the so-called Madara shattered or dissipated when he did that swirly thing to exit stage left.”

Tsuna sighed and nodded. “Fuck. Well, we can keep an eye out. Someone doing shit like that is bound to pop up again, though it does make me wonder if we should be working on something like a runeset that chakra could power and would drive away any Uchiha over a certain age, just in the hopes that ‘Madara’ doesn’t come back to wipe those kids out. Itachi wouldn’t—he’ll probably cry tears of joy when he inevitably finds out the children all survived—but this ‘Madara’ guy?

“We’ll add it to the list.”

Konoha was shocked senseless by what had happened. And then the crying and wailing started, which was hysterically funny to Samsara given that a good portion of the village was suspicious, jealous, or scornful of the Uchiha Clan. Only a few of them had even been liked, such as Shisui and Itachi, and now Shisui was dead and Itachi a ‘traitor’ and missing nin.

Then came the squabbling over who got to oversee the Uchiha while none of the children were old enough to head the clan. Certain civilians were clamoring to be allowed to “take care” of the children, hoping to score one of them as matches for their own kids, which rather reminded Tsuna too much of how certain people had acted toward him when he was Harry Potter.

The Hokage proved he still had his balls when he made it quite clear that as a shinobi clan, the Uchiha were under his purview until such time as Sasuke was old enough to be considered an adult, at which point he could appoint a proxy if he chose to become a genin and attain the status of adult early rather than waiting until he was sixteen.

As a genin he would not have the time to personally oversee his clan. They could only hope, should he go that route, that he would not choose unwisely. Not really their business in the end. They had already interfered enough by choosing to fuck up the plans of various people.


	2. λ25: 02: Konoha

## λ25  
02: Konoha

Samsara took a some time to laugh themselves silly when Shimura was declared a nuke-nin after it was discovered he was missing and with no evidence whatsoever that he had been kidnapped out from under Konoha’s nose.

“Fuck, man, maybe we should cut off the old man’s head, burn the body, and turn it in for the reward,” Ken said, then shook his head. “Nah, better to leave it a mystery. If people think he’s lurking somewhere, they might stay or become cautious.”

“I’ve been doing some reading,” Chikusa said, ignoring when most of them smiled indulgently, “and I’ve come across something interesting in what was copied from the archives. There is a branch of ninjutsu called jikūkan.”

“Space-time?”

“The description rather handily sounds very much like our storages,” Chikusa continued. “If they are, in fact, alike, it means we each have a pocket dimension that we could visit and, if we have the chakra to back it up, could allow others to access. I don’t see the point for us, but it was noted that you can store people there and they’d have no way to get out on their own.

“Of course, considering how much stuff we store in ours, that’d be a bad idea. I think Heul lucked out into figuring out not only how to store things, but also how to use that to move around and essentially teleport. The point is, there are ninja who can do it, so this ‘Madara’ fellow is using some form of jikūkan.

“The Yondaime was doing something similar with his hiraishin, except that I think he managed to link himself to the seals on his special kunai and wherever else he put them, so that he could sense them no matter where they were and teleport to one of the markers. I rather doubt he was even in his pocket dimension long enough to recognize it for what it was, or thought he didn’t have one,” Chikusa said with a shrug.

“And your point would be that if they are similar enough, we could step into our storages without harm to ourselves, and step right back out,” Hayato said.

Chikusa nodded. “It might also explain why we can step into the trunk. It’s just another pocket dimension. The magicals really don’t understand what they created. They’re too limited in their thinking, and too stagnated to question it. Whereas we have been too worried to fully explore what we have. Understandably so.”

“Well,” Daemon said briskly. “We’re using materialized bodies. One of us can test it. Worst case we just have to materialize a new body.” He quirked a brow at Tsuna.

He looked inward, looking for an answer, or a hint. All he got back was a sense that it would be okay, so he nodded.

Xeul immediately stepped out, and a window opened a moment later showing them where he was. Xeul was standing in a featureless plain—or it would be if not for the multitude of items stored there rather untidily. The ground was a grass green and the sky was the indigo of his primary flames.

It made Tsuna wonder what his own pocket dimension would look like. On a whim he tried to open a window to it and blinked when he saw the results. The sky was locked in sunset, glowing with orange and amber-gold near the horizon and darkening outwardly through violet and indigo. The ground was a reddish-brown, probably signifying his Earth Flames. It was … peaceful. Relaxing.

Everything he stored there was in an untidy mess, but being able to see it meant he could organize it. It wasn’t like it mattered a whole lot. Nothing had ever gotten broken or damaged in there, and he had never had any issue extracting exactly what he needed. He was going to have to check the next time he _Edged_ if he was really mostly in his pocket dimension, with only his senses looking outward at the “real” world.

“How’s the old man faring, by the way?” he asked as he closed his window. “There have been shocks recently and I wanted to be sure your tampering didn’t get knocked loose.”

“We will check,” Mukuro said. “You know, if Swirly really wanted to, he could swirl on into the village and slit everyone’s throat while they were sleeping. That he hasn’t says a lot. Either Konoha isn’t that important to him now that he thinks the clan is dead, or he has something brewing down the line.”

Tsuna groaned as Xeul closed his window and stepped back. “Unless we can come up with something that would modify the barrier around Konoha, which would prevent people from stepping past that barrier… Which would likewise prevent us, unfortunately, unless we could key it somehow…” He ran his hands over his face tiredly.

Sin shook his head slowly. “We can already get past that barrier and it’s supposed to sense everyone passing through it so they can track down unauthorized entry or exit. I don’t think there’s anything that could stop what we do, or anyone who can pull off jikūkan.”

“I suppose we could categorize apparation as jikūkan,” Ken said. “Well, except for the part where magicals can ward against it. Huh. And portkeys, which might also qualify.”

Looks went around in contemplation.

“There’s no reason we can’t try to come up with a rune-based schematic and test it,” Xeul said.

“Have there been any other Root members popping up?” he asked.

Xeul shook his head. “Not in the last few days, anyway. And I was thinking… Maybe we should get on with investigating the tower at the center of Training Ground 44. If there’s nothing underneath it, we could use that space. We’d have to set up the runes in order to get air exchange and all that, but it wouldn’t need an actual entrance, not when we can step in and out.”

“It’s only used by higher-level shinobi for training…”

“And occasionally for when the Chūnin Exams are held here in Konoha, which only happens every few years. The only issue I could think of is sensor nin and the Hyūga.”

“We could always go into the mind of a Hyūga and see what they see,” Daemon said. “Preferably one of the main house, though. No telling what sort of nonsense that cursed seal might do to a brain.”

“Okay, so current goals,” he said. “Investigate the tower at the center of Training Ground 44 as a possible location for a stronghold, investigate what a Hyūga actually sees with those eyes of theirs, and figuring out the best exercise for me when it comes to chakra control, since leaf-sticking is just not going to cut it.”

“There’s a bunch of different techniques, but the one taught to academy students is leaf-sticking, also known as leaf concentration,” Hayato reported. “Beyond that, the next two most common are tree climbing and water walking.”

“Which would explain the ninja I’ve seen scampering up the sides of buildings,” he said.

Hayato nodded. “The main difference between the two is that a tree—or building—is a solid, stationary surface, whereas water moves. So for the one you’d have a static output, so to speak, whereas with water you’d be constantly adjusting how your chakra was being used. For that reason, water walking is taught after tree climbing, as a refinement. Later exercises tend toward shape transformations, though that’s kinda fuzzy. The Yondaime’s Rasengan is an example of it, where chakra is shaped and condensed into a sphere with the chakra rotating in multiple directions.”

“What, like a model of the solar system, except the planets are not all going in the same direction or on the same plane?”

Hayato did a nod-shrug combo. “Something like that. I expect it’s very difficult to manage and takes excellent control, but it would also make it an excellent form of chakra control training. In theory, if you can shape a sphere, you could shape arrows or senbon or whatever, to be used as an attack.”

“I’m going to assume that if chakra is used to stick to a surface… Well, for walking it’d have to cycle, too,” he said. “Enough to stick so you can move the other foot, then stick with that one, release the other, and so forth. So… Too little and you slide right off, too much and you blast off, like those poor leaves I was trying to practice with. Same basic concept.”

Hayato nodded. “And you’ll have the worst struggle just because of how much you seem to have.”

“Well, I imagine it doesn’t need to be a tree, so we can slap a cushioning charm on the floor and practice on a wall. Then a tree. Well… It might be harder on a wall, actually, since it’s smooth, whereas a tree’s bark is rough. Hm. I’ll try the wall first, and if that’s a wash, a tree, still with cushioning charms.”

“Whatever works in the end.”

The main house of the Kuro compound had an entryway with double-height walls and a gallery that overlooked it, so it should be a good spot to try, and also limit the people who would inevitably laugh at him to his own family.

The others wandered in to partake of breakfast and agreed it would be a good place to start, so afterward, once the washing up was done, they departed to the foyer and placed cushioning charms at the base of the wall, all the way to the opposite wall, and on the opposite wall itself.

The others had all had decent success with the leaf-sticking exercise, so they would all try using chakra to walk up the wall. The wall wasn’t wide enough for all of them to try at once, so they split into two teams. Tsuna waited in the second team, mostly because he wanted to hear the first team’s impressions before trying himself.

Hayato, Mukuro, Chikusa, and Ken all nodded and set a foot against the wall, then paused. He could almost sense them building up chakra at their feet before making the attempt for the second. Ken went first, almost jumping to get his other foot against the wall—and of course, he immediately hit the floor with a sharp exhalation of breath.

“Shit,” Ken said. “This is gonna be hell on our muscles.”

“Eh, hold up, you guys,” he said. “It’ll be cheating, but… Use your control of Earth Flames to give you a cushion against the strain. You should still be able to tell if you’re sticking correctly, but you won’t be struggling so hard against gravity itself. Once you have it down, you can lessen the effects of the flames to get used to dealing with both.”

The four of them exchanged a look, then the three with a foot on the wall removed them, took position on the floor, and put both feet on the wall. Ken copied them a moment later. The barest hint of reddish-brown flames were seen, and then came the pause again.

Hayato moved his left foot upward and began to rise off the floor with a grunt of effort. “Gah, even with gravity mostly negated this isn’t easy. It is making it easier to concentrate on actually sticking, though.”

Tsuna smiled, pleased his idea was a fruitful one.

The next half hour was spent watching the four in their efforts to climb the wall. Thankfully, with gravity mostly negated, they could easily catch themselves if they slipped, and none of them had made the mistake of using too much chakra, saving themselves from blasting across the foyer.

“So, what have we learned?” Daemon asked, trying his best to look like a sensei.

After glaring at him, Mukuro said, “It’s a very delicate balance, and the way you think affects the results. I was thinking of the bottoms of my feet being tacky, more like sticky notes than proper glue, but I don’t think that’d work so well against a rough surface.”

“I was imagining it as cilia,” Hayato said. “Or flagella. I figured, with gravity mostly negated, which would mean my body weight would be mostly negated, I could look at it like an insect would. Though, how that’d work with full gravity I don’t yet know.”

“Suction cups,” Ken said. “Minus the noise.”

Chikusa tilted his head toward Ken in agreement.

“You all seemed to be doing decently,” Daemon said, “so I suppose any method would work, varied by the composition of the obstacle. That being the case, with a wall this smooth, I’m going to try the suction cup idea.”

Tsuna thought about that for a moment. A suction cup worked by forcing the air out of the “cup” part of it to create a vacuum. The edges of the chakra shaped into that cup would seal to the surface, and it could just the partially dissolved from that shape to get it to release. A partial transformation would make it quicker to reform, rather than doing it from scratch each time. Hopefully.

It took him twice as long to even start up the wall, mostly because he had so much trouble narrowing down the amount of chakra required for the technique. And even then, it was much easier to manage than the leaf-sticking exercise. If necessary he could make huge suction cups, though just imagining it made him realize it would make walking anywhere difficult.

He could have practiced the technique on the floor, even, then graduated to a wall.

Either way, he got halfway up the wall in the amount of time it took for the others to get to the top, back down, and back up again. It was progress, though he was greatly annoyed that it was coming so slowly for him. It was going to take a fuckton of hard work on his part, and then he would have to start all over when it came time to try it on trees.

He could just imagine if he had one of the original Reborns training him to do this and blanched.

Sin started cackling.

Shadow clones had become a part of their life, after they had all mastered tree climbing and water walking and, after they had seen through the eyes of a Hyūga just how much they had in terms of chakra reserves, to know if they even had enough to manage the technique.

While they could be “popped” if subjected to damage and therefore were not as useful for things like sending them off to take their places at a school, they were incredibly useful for anything aside from physical exercise to build muscle or stamina.

Shadow clones could help them with muscle memory, chakra control, learning various ninjutsu, and learning and testing fūinjutsu. They could set two clones to a spar and watch to see far more easily where they were going wrong with taijutsu, as another example, though the same could be said for watching a memory of a spar in a pensieve.

They almost didn’t need to time-turn their days—though Tsuna, Sin, and Daemon did anyway due to the hours at the academy—because the clones were magnificent at speeding up any and all learning.

Tsuna, with his massive reserves, could make far more than any of the others, and his family encouraged him to do so if only to hasten his mastery of chakra control.

“After all,” Sin said, “if you’re not cheating, you’re not doing it right. We’ve already secured all the lesson plans for the year, what the graduation requirements are, and without the necessary chakra control there’s no way in hell you’re going to be able to do the academy bunshin. So we cheat.”

“I can always cheat o—well, no, I can’t. There’s still too much risk of me exploding heads or liquefying brains if I tried to cheat on the genjutsu stuff,” he said with a scowl.

“Untrue, darling,” Daemon practically sang. “You forget. It’s only when you actively try to mine someone’s mind that that happens. You never had a problem using illusion to get people to see what you wanted.”

Tsuna brightened up. “Yeah, thanks for reminding me. It’s been so long since I’ve done it directly, as opposed to using something anchored… All right, then. If I can’t get fine enough control to properly do genjutsu, I’ll just have to cheat.”

“…Is there a reason why we haven’t used what we learned about the Fidelius Charm to use here?” Chikusa asked. “To hide that Heul is the jinchūriki of the Kyūbi?”

Everyone stopped their training to consider the idea.

“We did run all those tests,” he said. “It might not change the way the villagers see Naruto, but I can’t see that it’d hurt, either. If nothing else, if pressed, they’d never be able to explain why they hate, and maybe it would get them to think.”

“It’d drive the Hokage bugnuts, though,” Sin said. “Suddenly not knowing who has the Kyūbi would be incredibly alarming.”

Tsuna scowled. “Maybe I’m being childish to go along with my current body, but… Not sure I care. If nobody has a clue what happened to the Kyūbi, maybe that would wake this village up—the shinobi, anyway—and get them to stop being so lazy.”

“We may not be at war, but there’s always the chance of one looming on the horizon, especially after all the meddling Shimura did, and the shinobi here seem a bit too secure and aren’t pushing themselves or their students, not like what we’ve seen in other villages we’ve opened windows to.”

“Shimura is no longer a problem, but I don’t doubt for a moment there aren’t others out there who would love to kill Heul to get their hands on the Kyūbi, and anyone who would kill a child for what they contain cannot be a good person or have good intentions.”

“I think we should do it,” Xeul said. “We have the means, it’s information that paints a target on Heul’s back, and really, no one needs to know about his burden. If they honestly gave a fuck about the container, they would not have let the entire village know who held it!”

“And the fact that it’s Heul might factor in a tiny bit,” Mukuro said.

“Who will keep the secret?” he asked. “I can’t be the one to do it. I’m part of the subject.”

“One of us civilians,” Xeul said.

“Draw slips from a hat, a jan-ken tournament?”

Tsuna closed his eyes and said, “Shuffle positions, you five.”

“Okay, they’re ready,” Daemon said.

Tsuna leaned on his intuition (and not his sense of who was where) and pointed, then opened his eyes. “Looks like Ken will be the Secret Keeper.”

“All right, let’s get to it, then.”

There were a lot of confused people in Konoha after they hid the identity of the Kyūbi’s jinchūriki. The Hokage was in a very quiet state of panic, as were his advisors, Utatane Koharu and Mitokado Homura. Samsara was keeping an eye on those two, as they leaned too much toward Shimura’s beliefs and ideals.

“They’re starting to lean even more heavily toward meddling with the Uchiha children,” Xeul reported. “Having lost their focus on the Kyūbi, they have more time to eye up those kids and the power they could gain from them, despite being utterly confused as to how they survived. They were in agreement with Shimura about offing all of them except Sasuke.”

“Has a replacement for Shimura been found for the Konoha Council?” he asked absently as he worked on the day’s homework.

“Not yet. Despite that, I am tempted to suggest we deal with those two. They’re almost as bad as Shimura was. Thankfully, they have no access to Root, so we don’t need to worry about them finding all those sleeping agents.”

“Maybe we should just reprogram them slightly,” Hayato said. “The Hokage is already down one advisor. Losing all three would be incredibly suspicious. Would it be better to force them away from greed and a hunger for power?”

“On the other hand,” Sin said, “taking them out completely would force the Hokage to get new, fresh minds in place as advisors, and not the people who were his teammates once upon a time. Either they were always like this, or they were corrupted by Shimura. They’re old and set in their ways, seeing things they can’t control as a threat.”

“I have to assume they were still active ninja when they were made advisors, so that shouldn’t completely negate inclusion, though I doubt any clan heads would be considered. They’re already too busy, mostly likely.”

“…They’re defects,” he said, “but they might be useful yet. We’ll start with reprogramming. If that fails to get results, we’ll remove them entirely. Alter them for a lack of greed, removal of any tendencies toward being control freaks, and to be open to new ideas. They are supposed to be advising for the good of all Konoha, not personal agendas.”

His Mists nodded and started another of those silent conversations.

“Speaking of those sleepers, we ought to do something about them sooner rather than later,” Chikusa said. “Perhaps get a copy of the seal they bear and start breaking it down?”

“If we do figure it out,” Daemon said, breaking out of the silent conversation temporarily, “we’d need to wipe any memory from the ones in the office as to what condition Shimura was in. Can’t very well have them giving away the demise of their leader.”

“The problem with kids that brainwashed is that they’d need a clear leader. We could set that to be the Hokage, but if the old man retired and a defect was put in place…”

“In theory, the Hokage, presented with that crew, would turn them over to T&I for debriefing. Maybe a Yamanaka or six brought in to poke around and figure out the best way to rehabilitate them.”

“I think giving them a specific leader would be a mistake. They should be impressed with the same instructions as any normal ninja, that the Hokage is the ultimate authority, but their immediate … leader … would be their leader. Sensei, taichou, whatever. The problem remains that they’ve possibly been brainwashed or had it beaten into them to only follow directions and not think for themselves, and to not have any emotions.”

“I don’t think we can take on that much responsibility. Wipe out the memory of Shimura for the office guards, but let the Hokage determine how they’d be handled.”

Tsuna sat back and listened to his family members bat the issue around for some time before making a decision. “We modify the memories of the office bunch and hand them over to the Hokage. Let him handle it. We’ve already done almost more than enough when it comes to them.

“I already imagine there have to be countless versions of this basic dimension, just like my original dimension, but the problems here don’t seem to be the kind that can be solved by passing along a message, not if Uzumaki Naruto is in any way a focal point. I get the feeling that I was, should I not have died, destined to figure out the Arcobaleno problem.

“But places like the Harry Potter dimension set, or here… Harry Potter truly only mattered because he had a Horcrux in his head, which is why I think there was a prophecy about him. Of course, that makes me wonder if there are prophecies in this world, and if Naruto is subject to one. But, whatever. I generally don’t get dumped into a body unless that body is a focal point of some kind.

“And of course, with our ways, our tendency to start meddling, we’ve probably already pushed the original course of this dimension way off. That being so, let’s not take on more than we should. I am still willing to investigate the issue of the Hyūga cursed seal, since what they’re doing is barbaric, but the Root agents? Nah.”

As his family returned to planning he smiled over one simple thing. Shadow clones and time turners mixed really well. They got so used to seeing identical copies of themselves front and center (well, his twins had ages ago) that the prospect of seeing a time-turned version of yourself just didn’t matter so much.

Their Flame clones were not the same. They were programmed, so to speak, for a specific purpose, but had no real will of their own. Shadow clones, however, were independent and functioned as a second version of their creator—still subservient to their will, but capable of original thought—which made it easier to bypass the fear a magical person would suffer at the very idea of being faced with their time-turned self.

It did open the possibility of being blind-sided by someone else wearing his face and him not immediately cottoning on, but given that they did all their training within the safety of the Kuro compound, it was not a pressing issue. It did lead him to say, “No time-turned selves in direct contact, and we should find a way to ensure we always recognize our clones in case some sneaky person henges into one of us.”

“And since we’re so good at concealing our flame types, I’d have to go with a basic for-your-eyes-only symbol somewhere on each of our clones,” Mukuro said. “Under one eye, perhaps.”

“A moebius strip of some kind,” Hayato suggested.

“Okay,” he said with a shrug.

He was ten by the time they figured out the Hyūga cursed seal, and by then they were all very good at fūinjutsu, especially with all those clones to pack in practice hours. Naturally, having arrived at a potential solution, it meant they needed to find defects to test it on. Putting the new seal on a Hyūga only to have that Hyūga keel over and die or suddenly no longer be able to use their dōjutsu or chakra would be a bad thing, to put it mildly.

Sadly, there were not exactly a plethora of dōjutsu bearers out there to experiment on, aside from the Hyūga elders. They were fair game in their books, but not until they were certain the seal would not kill anyone. Then they could peek in on an elder in the middle of the night, apply the seal, and see what happened.

(Had they known just how much of a useless twat Hatake Kakashi was, they’d have tested it on him immediately.)

The Kuro Clan, unknown to anyone, started hunting down missing nin for the opportunity to practice on them, then killed and disintegrated the bodies. The heads were turned in by a disguised Xeul for the bounty money, because more money was always good. Not having to dip into their stored gold and spend the time to convert it to ryo was also good.

They never went after anyone highly ranked, because that would cause too many waves, though it might have been interesting to make all the villages think there was a super-powered heretofore-unknown hunter nin running around collecting bounties. It would, presumably, also light a fire under Konoha, as plenty of their jōnin were in various Bingo Books.

The mysterious bounty hunter claimed no village and wore no hitai-ate, so nobody knew where he (or she, because they could be under a very good disguise) came from.

After they had taken out a decent amount of the lesser-ranked nuke-nin they switched focus to the Hyūga Elders of the main house and chose one who was particularly vile—one of the grannies.

“And how does that work, anyway?” Sin said. “I’m missing something here. Hiashi only remained part of the main house because he was born first and his twin Hizashi second. Hizashi found himself a wife, had Neji—who has the active dōjutsu, so it’s not like the seal prevents genetic transmission of it—and he was sealed at three or four years old. But the main house elders? I thought the point of the seal—aside from it being a way to enslave most of the family and make servants and guards out of them—was to protect their dōjutsu.”

He would have said more but Hayato cut in with, “And yet, Hizashi was bartered off to Kumo. True, they could not have taken his eyes to implant in someone else, but what was stopping them from using him as a stud? They could easily have bred up their own Hyūga Clan.”

Sin nodded. “That, yes. But the elders. They’re old! The men might still be able to father children, but the women? No. Why aren’t they branded? What, are old main house members exempt because they’re old and don’t go on missions? Don’t buy it! Not for a second. With the number of spies I expect are in Konoha right this moment, and how someone from Kumo got into their compound and stole their heir, I don’t fucking buy it.”

“Seal or not, the men could still father children if required,” he said. “All the elders should have it under that reasoning. They are at risk like anyone else. From everything we’ve learned it boils down to the main house wanting the power to subjugate their own family, and that’s fucking sick. They can’t handle the very idea that a member of their family could stand up and say, ‘What you’re doing or proposing is wrong,’ so they seal them and use it to torture or kill them.”

“We have, what…? Hanabi, Hinata, Hiashi, Hiashi’s parents, and his grandparents. Nine people out of a family that size free of the seal, and Hiashi, despite being head of the clan, bows under the weight of what his parents and grandparents say is right, and because he’s been raised to believe they are right.”

“Fuck that noise,” Ken said. “So, what’s-her-face, Asuga. We start with her? She’s old enough that if something goes wrong, well… We cover it up.”

Tsuna nodded. “If we can successfully seal the elders and Hiashi and nothing goes wrong, they don’t even notice, then we take the step of causing Asuga’s death and trying to extract her eyes. If they go normal, awesome. Then we can take the steps to remove the instructions for placing the cursed seal they use, activating it, and force everyone asleep so we can remove it from the branch members and put in the new one.”

“It won’t do anything for unborn babies, but if we can get past the bumps in altering what they’re running with, we could implant the directives into the remaining elders and Hiashi. Hinata and Hanabi probably only know how to activate the cursed seal, not how to place one. The actual heir position is still up for grabs what with how Hinata is eldest, but they see Hanabi as better suited.”

Tsuna did a nod-shrug combo. “If it works, it won’t matter. The only downside to what we’re doing at the outset is the ickiness of where we’ll be placing the seal, if only so they don’t notice it anytime soon and we have more of a testing window.”

“We could just hide it in their hair.”

“Not without shaving them and forcing a hair growth potion on them.”

“With where we plan to put them, they’ll just all have a case of piles or something, maybe.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes.

Asuga did not die, did not lose access to her chakra, and did not lose access to her byakugan, which they counted as a success. Until Hayato said, “And if someone tried to place the original Hyūga cursed seal on her?”

“Shit.”

“Okay, we give it two weeks to see if anything flies apart and kills the old hag, then we kidnap her and toss the cursed seal on to see what happens?” Hayato said. “If she dies, at least we’d know, and we can cover up the death by tripping her down the stairs, meddling with their minds, and making the seal invisible.”

“Uh… A spell of low blood pressure-induced vertigo that made her lose her balance and fall just the wrong way,” Sin said. “The death suggestions here aren’t nearly as amusing, by the way.”

Half the room rolled their eyes.

“The deaths here aren’t as personal, really,” he said. “And with how often the idiots kill themselves off due to lax training, and uselessly flashy attacks, well…”

“Okay, you have a point,” Sin conceded.

“She will have to die unless we put that cursed seal someplace very unnoticeable, or adjust it so it’s not visible even to the byakugen,” Mukuro said. “It does make me wonder about any other seals. Most Konoha nin don’t seem to have any. The closest would be the ANBU tattoos, and those are just oh-so-special-snowflake ink rather than an actual seal. Well, and Half-Naked-Chick’s cursed seal.”

Two weeks later and Asuga was still alive and kicking (mostly her husband in her sleep) so they acquired her via window, knocked her out, and applied the Hyūga cursed seal. She went into a meltdown, which was bad.

“Fuck,” Tsuna said quietly. “We cannot miss a single thing when it comes to erasing all evidence and memory of that damn seal.”

“She melted, darling. We’re going to have trouble covering this up,” Xeul said. “Kami-sama, the skin on her face just…” He shuddered, which was sort of hilarious coming from an incarnation of Daemon Spade.

Ken was over in the corner quietly gagging.

“We should look into a seal that Ken can use to mute his senses when necessary,” he muttered, then said more loudly, “Right, a plan. We have a clone who can radiate confusion take her place long enough for her to go outside the Hyūga compound and fall into a suspiciously convenient puddle of acid.”

“That blacksmith in town uses hydrochloric acid to pickle some of his metal. We could arrange for a convenient spill, and then for her to conveniently fall face-first into it and die,” Daemon said. “And then make sure nobody does the sensible thing like establish the time or cause of death for some reason because it’s already ostensibly obvious.”

Tsuna beamed at his brother. “Awesome.”

The Hyūga Clan went into mourning (which translated to faking it really well for the majority of them) over the death of Elder Asuga. Their stoic expressions had just the barest hint of an expression which suggested that they might conceivably, just maybe, be slightly upset over the death of a clan member, or possibly indigestion. But no one could be sure, really.

Life went on (for most) as Samsara scoured the Hyūga compound (and minds of the remaining main house adults) to find any and all documentation regarding the Hyūga cursed seal for removal, scrubbed their brains of how to place it (but not that it existed or how to activate it).

“What if we inscribed that seal on each eyeball rather than skin?” he said. “Then they’d be protected more directly.”

“So we try it on her husband,” Sin said. “And if that goes weird, we come up with another death. Worst case scenario, every last one of them gets a visible seal on their foreheads—and I bet Hiashi would be the first to start wearing his hitai-ate properly to cover the thing.”

“Let’s do it.”

Once again Konoha was in something of a pother, but it was limited to the Hyūga Clan, and they were not inclined to explain why. The elders and Hiashi were filled with impotent rage that they could no longer abuse, torture, and kill their branch house members, but with their minds thoroughly tampered with and only the knowledge of how to protect the eyes of any member available to them (with strong compulsions against recreating the Hyūga cursed seal lodged in their brains), there was little they could do.

It did not make little Neji any less of a snotbag, but it was a start, and the two girls were no longer pitted against each other so nastily, nor in danger of being enslaved.

“Quiet down!” Iruka-sensei bellowed.

Tsuna’s class of aspiring shinobi was full of chattering children (Nara aside, as he was napping, and Akimichi, who was snacking), but they all jumped at the sound and settled down.

“Now,” Iruka said more quietly. “The final part of the graduation exam. We’ll be calling you in one by one to perform the ninjutsu tests. First…”

Tsuna sighed quietly. Someone (Mizuki-sensei) had tried to sabotage his written test, had tried to sabotage his throwing test, and then tried just a bit too hard during the taijutsu test. Tsuna, as Naruto, played stupid to the manipulations, and also played at being the possessor of sheer dumb luck.

Sin (Shōga) and Daemon (Menma) had already been called in and passed out the other side, and Tsuna was left in an increasingly empty room. At long last he was called, the very final testee but one, and stood before Iruka and Mizuki.

“All right,” Iruka said. “First, demonstrate kawarimi for us.”

Tsuna dutifully swapped with a log there for exactly that purpose.

Iruka ticked a box on his clipboard. “Now a henge.”

Tsuna dutifully henged into an exact duplicate of Teuchi of Ramen Ichiraku.

After a few moments of inspection Iruka nodded and make another tick on his clipboard. “Good. Now a clone.”

Tsuna dutifully ran through the handsigns of tiger → boar → ox → dog, and two clones appeared, one to either side of him.

Iruka insulted him by appearing surprised, and Mizuki narrowed his eyes in dismay.

“Okay! You pass!” Iruka said, then made another tick before picking up a hitai-ate and offering it to him.

Tsuna accepted it, the usual serene smile on his face, bowed, and exited the room.

Sin and Daemon awaited him, took him into their company, and the three headed out. They did not get very far, only to the grassy area just outside the academy, before Mizuki came striding up.

“Naruto-kun!” the man called.

Tsuna exchanged a look with his family, then detached himself from the group and went to meet with their sensei.

“Good job, Naruto-kun!” Mizuki said with seeming pleasure. “I was curious. There’s always been an option for certain students each year to earn some extra credit, to bump them up in the standings for their year. You’re the only one who’s shown that kind of promise. Are you interested?”

Tsuna’s serene smile reappeared, which made Mizuki’s eye twitch. “I’m not sure I see the point. I graduated and will be placed on a team.”

“Yeah, you did, but if you pass this you could be bumped up to rookie of the year and get matched with the top-rank kunoichi.”

‘And the dead last,’ he thought. ‘Not that it matters, as Xeul and Mukuro will be handling team assignments.’ Tsuna shook his head. “I am satisfied with my ranking, Mizuki-sensei, but I thank you for the opportunity.”

Mizuki’s eye twitched again. “Well… All right. Don’t say I didn’t offer.” The man strode off, a certain tension in his frame, and disappeared from view.

The three of them headed off to the Kuro compound, but not before a window was opened on Mizuki.

“So let’s see… What’s he up to?”

Mizuki had started muttering to himself, which was a bad habit for a ninja. “Fucking brat, managing to graduate despite my tampering, turning down my offer. How the hell am I supposed to get that scroll? Orochimaru will kill me if I don’t get it and bring it to him.”

Brows went up and his Mists went into a huddle.

Tsuna snickered and said, “I know what I want to do. Make up a fake scroll, plant it on this guy, knock him unconscious, and let ANBU find him to take to T&I.”

His Mists cackled and nodded.

Once dark had fallen Mizuki, who was still rambling to himself in a panic, was sent to sleep, a scroll slung over his back, and he was left near ANBU HQ (a very unassuming, plain building masquerading as a utility company).

One of the ANBU lookouts, Sparrow, went stock still on seeing Mizuki, who was dressed in a caricature of stealth gear, bearing a large scroll with “Totally not the Scroll of Seals” written along the outside, slumped nearby.

A quick flit later and Mizuki was being hauled away.

“So much for him. Never did question why he hated Naruto so much.”

After the weekend, they arrived at the classroom again on Monday morning for team assignments. The very fact that no one was able to get their ninja ID yet _should_ have clued everyone in to the fact that the testing was not yet over, but most of the children blithely ignored that.

Tsuna zoned out during Iruka’s opening speech and most of the assignments being revealed, but woke the fuck up when he was teamed with Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke on Team 7, which was not supposed to have happened.

The Great Shuffler at work?

That or Fate, maybe Destiny, he wrote back, his serene smile being severely tested at the forced change in plans.

I don’t see the point in passing the unannounced test if we’re not on the same team as you. We can get more done from the background.

Tsuna nodded slightly. And the odds of a team with an Uchiha on it not passing is slim to none. There’s not much point if we’re not together. Though it would come into play with you passing if we all made chūnin at the first opportunity and could mix up teams.

Ideas on how to force those two into showing teamwork? Haruno will agree to anything the Uchiha says, but even with so many of his clan alive, he’s still an arrogant little snotbag.

“And Team 11 will be Menma, Shōga, and Chuya,” Iruka droned.

Thanks to the civilians, he said. We either illusion these two long enough to make a showing, or we fake out the team sensei.

Xeul here. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, darling, and will assist. According to the list I’m spying on right now, the sensei for Team 7 will be Hatake Kakashi, which is awful, but understandable. He has that sharingan hidden under his headband, and was Naruto’s father’s student.

Sin and Daemon exchanged a look. We’ll pass, but if things go south, we can always get ourselves discharged medically.

And we can beat the fangirl out of Chuya.

“Right!” Iruka said, still not saying a word about the missing Mizuki. “You’re all dismissed until one o’clock. Be back then to meet up with your jōnin sensei.”

A quick step brought them to the Kuro compound where Tsuna and Sin got started on lunch.

“Hilarious,” Xeul said. “The Hokage and Hatake are currently rifling through that shithole so Hatake can see how you live.”

“The same shithole that has cup ramen in the cupboards for show and expired milk in the refrigerator?” Tsuna shook his head.

After a wonderful lunch they all stepped back to the academy and filtered into their classroom. The three of them took seats at the back, in the top row to wait, sighing when Sakura and Ino got into yet another cat fight over who got to sit next to Sasuke, ignoring the fact the he had taken the center seat and the ones to either side of him were open.

The classroom itself was another massive clue to team structure. Each row had tables suitable for three people, though the teachers never even hinted at it as being on purpose. It was no wonder so many aspiring shinobi failed the secondary test.

One by one the other teams were led away by their senseis, until the only three left were Tsuna, Sakura, and Sasuke. Sasuke brooded, which was normal, Sakura aimed calf eyes at the snotbag, and Tsuna quite sensibly sat quietly in his seat reading up on the history of Iwa while hovering three kunai over his head to appear to work on his chakra control.

Hatake showed up three hours late—which guaranteed that Samsara would get on his case if it kept up—and said, “Well, you three are boring,” though he did spare an interested look Tsuna’s way. “Meet me on the roof.”

Tsuna brought the kunai down and tucked them away, secreted his book, then followed the others out and up the nearest staircase. He could have showed off and exited the window to walk up the exterior, but why cause trouble before he had to?

“Well, let’s begin with introducing yourselves,” Hatake said from his position leaning against the roof railing.

“What do you want to know?” Sakura asked.

“How about your likes, dislikes, your dreams for the future, and things like that,” Hatake said lazily.

“You look kinda suspicious,” Sakura said. “Why don’t you go first?”

Hatake’s one visible eye did not react aside from making him appear even more desperately in need of a nap. He shrugged and said, “Oh, me? Well, my name is Hatake Kakashi. I have no desire to tell you my likes and dislikes. Dreams for the future, hm… And I have lots of hobbies.”

“So … all he told us … is his name?” Sakura complained with a scowl.

“Now it’s your turn. Let’s start on the right,” Hatake said, nodding at Tsuna.

“Uzumaki Naruto. Secrets, ignorance, survival, and not something I’d share with strangers.”

Hatake stared at him for a long moment. “I see. Next,” he said, nodding at Sasuke.

“My name is Uchiha Sasuke. There are lots of things I dislike and I don’t really like anything.”

‘Liar. You’re a sucker for tomatoes.’

“And… I can’t really call it a dream. But I have an ambition, to kill a certain man.”

Predictably, Sakura went moony over the declaration.

Hatake’s visible eye narrowed. “Okay. And lastly, the girl,” he said, as if he hadn’t bothered to read up on his team beforehand.

“My name is Haruno Sakura. The thing I like is…” She shot a sideways look at Sasuke and blushed. “Well, the person I like is…” And again. “And um… My dream for the future, um…? Oh, yeah! What I dislike is Ino-pig. My hobby is…” She shot another “discreet” look at Sasuke while blushing.

Hatake’s eye twitched. “Tomorrow we’ll start our duties as shinobi,” he said, then continued after all he got were two disinterested stares and one love-stuck baboon not paying him any attention, “First we are going to do something with just the four of us, survival training.”

Sakura’s head whipped around. “Survival training? Why is our first duty that? We’ve had enough training at the academy.”

“This isn’t normal training,” Hatake said. “This time I’m your opponent.” He dropped his head a little and snickered.

“What’s so funny, sensei?” Sakura asked sourly.

“Um… Well… It’s just that when I tell you this you guys are totally going to freak out. Out of the twenty-seven graduates, only nine are expected to be chosen to become genin. The rest will be sent back to the academy. This training is a very difficult exam with a failure rate of over sixty-six percent!”

Sasuke actually sweat-dropped, which was hilarious, and Sakura had an expression torn between anger and the surety that her prince would make it all better. Tsuna? He just smiled serenely.

Hatake laughed. “I told you you’d freak out. The academy exam was just to show who had the potential to be real genin. So, anyway, tomorrow you have to show your real skills on the training ground. Bring all the shinobi tools you have. Oh, and skip breakfast. You might throw up otherwise.”

Hatake pulled some papers from his flak jacket and handed them over. “The details are on these. And don’t be late tomorrow.” He disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

Sasuke immediately got up, his paper crushed in his hand, and headed for the stairs. Sakura, like the brainless fangirl she was, darted off after him.

He arrived at eight o’clock as ordered and hung upside down from a tree, using his chakra to suspend three kunai from his head, and continued to read up on the history of Iwa. The place was a large, fenced field with trees bordering one section, and three wooden stumps set up, most likely meant to be used as pells.

Sasuke trundled in moodily with a bright and chattering Sakura dogging his steps, took a seat, and stared moodily off into the distance. Sakura took a seat close by and continued to chatter, shoot the boy love-struck looks, and generally be a useless pain in the ass. Neither of them appeared to notice Tsuna.

Three hours later Hatake finally showed. “Hey, guys, good morning,” he greeted as Sakura shouted, “You’re late!” He placed an alarm clock on one of the stumps and set it. “Okay, it’s set for noon. I have two bells—” He paused a moment to nudge the ones hanging from his belt. “—and your task is to take these from me before time’s up. Those who don’t have a bell at that time don’t get lunch!”

As if on cue, the stomachs of his teammates growled in hunger.

“I’ll not only tie you to one of these stumps, but I’ll eat right in front of you. You only have to get one bell, but since there are two, one of you will definitely be tied to a stump. Anyone who doesn’t get a bell fails and gets sent back to the academy. I told you to bring all your tools, and you won’t succeed unless you come at me intending to kill.”

“But! You’ll be in danger!” Sakura cried.

Tsuna’s serene smile was hard pressed to stay in place in the face of such naïvety.

“Start!”

Sasuke and Sakura leapt away to hide.

“The most important thing for a shinobi is to be able to hide yourself,” Hatake said, nodding slightly toward where the other two were, then swiveled his head to stare at Tsuna, who was still hanging from a tree reading his book. “Well, you’re a bit off, aren’t you.”

“Hm, did you say something?” he asked.

“Why aren’t you hiding?”

“I’m waiting to see if those two buy a clue, but I suppose I could play along.” He tucked his book away, flipped off the branch and landed lightly, the kunai still hovering over his head, then darted off behind the tree.

Hatake huffed and came to investigate his “hiding” place, then blinked when Tsuna was nowhere to be found. He didn’t need to know that Tsuna was _Edging_ along in _Between_. He shrugged after a moment and went back to the center of the clearing, brought out a book with a bright orange cover, and began to read, giggling obscenely as he did.

Tsuna rolled his eyes and waited.

Sasuke broke first, sending a plethora of kunai and stars at the man, who seemed to be engrossed in his porn. The kid looked so triumphant until he saw the aftermath of the attack. Hatake had switched with a log. If nothing else it proved the kid had good aim, for the thing was studded with them. Sasuke was also bright enough to realize that his attack gave his position away, so he skittered off through the undergrowth to find a new place to hide.

Sakura, on the other hand, scurried backward to get out from under her bush and started running off toward where she thought the love of her life was, only to shriek when Hatake popped up behind her and placed her under a genjutsu, then scream and pass out.

Sasuke popped out of hiding to go on the attack again, testing his taijutsu and bukijutsu against the man, then his ninjutsu (a massive fireball), but the fact that he was breathing so hard said the boy had never gone up against anything approaching a real target. That, or the kid was woefully out of shape.

And, having made the mistake of pausing to admire his technique and making the assumption that he had hit with it, he was then pissed off when a hand came out of the ground and dragged him under until just his head was visible.

Hatake emerged and crouched down. “They say an exposed nail should be hammered down,” he said, then looked to the side and vanished again.

Sakura came racing into view, saw Sasuke’s head, and fainted dead away.

The scowl Sasuke made was magnificent.

Sakura came out of her swoon to see Sasuke had worked himself free, and dashed over to glomp him. “You’re all right! Oh, Sasuke-kun!”

“Go away!” Sasuke growled, trying to push her off. “Don’t hug me!” Once he got free he walked a few steps away and said, “It’s nearly noon. I’m going to try again.”

“…You’re still going after a bell?”

“I already touched one. Next time I’ll get one.”

‘Fat chance of that,’ he thought as he snagged both bells from Hatake’s belt and dropped an illusion in place.

“What!? …Ah, I see. You’re incredible, Sasuke-kun,” Sakura said shifting nervously. “You know, there isn’t much time left, so … there’s no need to push ourselves that hard. There’s always next time…” She shrank back at the glare he sent her way.

“There’s a man that only I can kill,” Sasuke said, staring at the ground.

“Ah… What do you mean?”

Tsuna took a moment to wonder how it was that a girl who had lived in the village her whole life had no idea what the Uchiha might possibly be referring to. Gossip did get around, after all, and they were all eight at the time.

“I’m an avenger. I have to become stronger than him. So I can’t just stay here and do nothing.”

At which point the alarm went off, causing both of them to stiffen up and look back toward the stumps.

A minute later Hatake was seriously contemplating which person to tie to a stump, if not all of them. “Well, Sasuke at least tried, so he won’t be tied up. Sakura didn’t try at all, and neither did Naruto, which means—”

“Oh?” he said, dangling both bells from his finger so they tinkled quietly. The illusion he had placed was removed at the same time.

“Which means Sakura will be tied up and not get lunch,” Hatake said smoothly, and had her in place before the girl knew what hit her. “By the way, something about the training… Well, there’s no need for you guys to back to the academy.”

Sasuke and Sakura looked foolishly hopeful.

“All three of you should quit as shinobi. All three of you are punks who don’t deserve to be ninjas.”

Sasuke flipped a mental table and launched himself forward, aiming to attack, and had his face in the dirt seconds later, his arms wrenched back.

“See? A punk,” Hatake said, placing one foot on the kid’s head and pressing down.

“No! Don’t step on Sasuke-kun!” Sakura cried, struggling impotently.

“You guys don’t get it, at all. Why do you think you were divided into teams and are doing this training?”

“Teamwork,” Tsuna said with a sigh. “So it would have been nice if we’d had more time to get to that point.”

“Yes, teamwork. The three of you working together might have gotten the bells … sooner than Naruto managed to.”

“What do you even mean!?” Sakura said. “There’s only two bells. Even if we had worked together, one of us would still fail! What teamwork? That just makes us fight each other.”

“And yet if that’s even true—which I doubt—two people would have passed,” he said. “Three people working together, could have, if necessary, voted someone out after the bells were obtained. Of course, that means anyone who did pass, out of all the teams, would have to be reassigned, because all genin teams consist of three genin and one jōnin sensei. The math is wrong in any case, as we were told a sixty-sixty percent failure rate and this would mean thirty-three.”

“Well what about you?” she said angrily. “You got them, but you’re still going back to the academy.”

Tsuna shrugged and tossed a bell at each of them. “Don’t care. And I wouldn’t go back. I’d rather not spend another year being sabotaged. I’d go into a trade of some kind in that event. I’ve heard the Land of Noodles is nice.”

Sakura gawked.

“All of you did your own thing,” Hatake said, trying to get back on track. “Sakura just wanted to be near Sasuke, Sasuke assumed you two would get in his way, and Naruto… Konoha duties are done by the team. Of course superior individual ability is important to a ninja. But what’s even more important is teamwork. Individual actions that disrupt the team can put your comrades in danger, and even get you killed.”

Hatake released Sasuke and wandered over to the stone a short distance behind the stumps. “Look at this, the numerous names carved on this stone. These are ninjas who are recognized as heroes of the village. But, they aren’t just normal heroes. They’re all heroes who died in the line of duty. This is a memorial. My best friend’s name is carved here…”

Hatake looked back over his shoulder. “I’ll give you guys one more chance. But after lunch, I’ll make it even tougher to get the bells. Don’t feed anything to Sakura, since she got tied up. If anyone gives her food they fail immediately. I am the rules here! Got it?” He vanished.

Tsuna could tell he was off behind a tree, so he had not gone far. After rolling his eyes he grabbed one of the two bentos Hatake had brought, opened it, and immediately offered to feed it to Sakura.

“…What? But that’d mean…”

“I said I don’t care,” he said. “If you plan to try again, you’ll need food. You already look like a stiff breeze would blow you away. And besides, I ate earlier, thinking it was foolish to go into something called survival training without having eaten, no matter what he said, and especially if he ended up late again.”

“Um…”

“He’s right,” Sasuke said. “You’ll need the energy.” He produced a kunai and cut through the ropes binding her.

A second later Hatake was back, looming over them in anger. “What is this!? You guys … pass!”

“That had to be the lamest thing ever,” he said as he finished up making lunch.

“We’ll have to think up some extra special nightmares for that lot,” Daemon said. “My own test with Sin was far less of a bother. After all, two nameless orphans and a civilian girl—no one expected the team to pass in the first place.”

“We could always set up haunts for them,” Mukuro said.

He shrugged and started plating the food. “Maybe. Let’s see how it goes for now. Uchiha seems to have gone off the deep end, so I’d rather not mess with his brain too much. Haruno is a definite maybe, as is Hatake. I expect them all to be a total drag to deal with.”

“That serene smile of yours is going to get quite the workout,” Sin said, dropping a kiss on his cheek before he sat down.

“Mm, there’s an idea. Will one of you find out what Hatake’s favorite things to eat are, please? I’m considering ruining him when it comes to those if he plans to always be late.”

“Will do.”

“I admit to being curious if the usual from you will make all three of them go bugnuts,” Sin said.


	3. λ25: 03: Konoha

## λ25  
03: Konoha

After a number of mind-numbing D-rank missions they were finally saddled with the infamous Capture Tora D-rank, which was both a rite of passage and a punishment, depending on whether or not it was the first time a team received it. Previous missions had consisted of Tsuna doing the work quietly, Sasuke doing the work grudgingly, and Sakura moaning over the state of her hair, nails, and skin.

After letting Uchiha “Superior Species” Sasuke take a shot at it (and get nicely scratched up), and Haruno “Delusional Fangirl” Sakura try (and get nicely scratched up), Tsuna sauntered out with some tuna on a slab of wood, set it down, then backed up and settled into a crouch.

What they didn’t see was him using his Mist Flames to box the cat in so it believed it had no other path to follow except to the yummy fish. While it ate he wafted Sky Flames at it to keep it calm, then carefully picked the beast up once it was done.

“There’s a good girl,” he murmured.

“Good,” came Hatake’s voice. “…Are we sure this is the right cat?”

Sasuke got close enough to see it properly. “Ribbon on the left ear… Yes.”

“Then let’s go turn this in. Lost Pet Tora, mission complete!”

Shortly thereafter he was at the mission desk, handing the poor thing over to Shijimi-dono, the Fire Daimyo’s wife, who immediately squeezed the thing half breathless.

“Oh, my cute little Tora-chan. I was so worried!” she cooed as she pushed it into the carrier she had with her and trundled over to the mission desk to hand over payment, then exited.

“Now,” the Hokage said, staring at a list of missions. “Team 7, your next duty is… Hmmm. Babysitting an elder’s grandson, shopping in the neighboring village, and helping with potato digging.”

He was angling for the neighboring village shopping, as at least it would get them outside the walls, but Sasuke grunted and pulled a bitch face, which caused Sakura to look torn once again. She had a habit of deferring to authority (which meant anyone adult or above her in rank), which was not uncommon, so she was unlikely to ever push for a “better” mission on her own, and also unlikely simply based on her utter lack of skills.

“We can do a higher-ranked mission,” Sasuke said flatly.

Iruka jumped up from his seat and pressed his hands to the table. “You’re just a rookie! Everyone starts off with the simple duties and works their way up.”

The Hokage’s hand came up to make sure his hat didn’t fly off and shot a sideways look at the chūnin, then said, “You only recently became genin. D-rank missions are perfect for you. But, I can see you’re spoiling for something with a bit more complexity. So, I will assign you a C-rank to test the waters.” He glanced down at one of the clipboards.

“It’s a mission to protect a certain individual.”

Tsuna put the book he had half-removed from his pocket back.

The Hokage nodded to Iruka, who rushed out and came back seconds later with an older man. Said older man had a high forehead, spiky grey hair, a rope tied around his head for no damn reason Tsuna could figure, and was holding a bottle of wine or some other alcohol, which he took a drink from before saying, “What’s this? They’re all a bunch of super brats. Are you really ninja, hey? I am the super bridge builder, Tazuna. I expect you to provide me super protection until I get back to my country and complete the bridge.”

“Very well,” Hatake said, reading through the mission scroll. “We will meet you at seven o’clock sharp tomorrow morning, at the main gate.”

Tazuna stumbled off, reeking of booze, which made Tsuna want to gut the man on principle.

“All right, my cute little genin. Let’s go get our mission pay, and then you can go home to pack for tomorrow!”

“Does going in to the mind of a drunk person make you loopy?” he asked.

His Mists gave him one of those looks, the mostly fond indulgence mixed with a tinge of exasperation.

“No, darling. We’re not that weak,” Mukuro said. “It can be loopy inside, though. Depends on how much of a tolerance they have.”

“Huh. Good to know.”

“I’m going to assume you’re referring to your latest client,” Xeul said.

“Yep.” His nose wrinkled in distaste.

“I’ll find out,” Xeul said, giving him a brief, cozy hug, then stepping into _Between_.

“My team is being good little genin,” Sin said cheerily. “We’re still doing D-ranks.”

He eyed his lover suspiciously. “And Chuya?”

Sin rolled his eyes in concert with Daemon. “She’s a bully and a fangirl, and neither of us are cute or mysterious or cool enough to catch her attention, thank kami. She at least does her share of the work, even when she clearly hates it or thinks it’s beneath her.”

“I wondered, round about our sixth D-rank, if we were supposed to be dreaming up ways to do them the ‘shinobi’ way, but of course most genin barely know anything beyond the academy three, and if they do they’re from a clan, so that seemed somewhat unlikely. I also wondered if we were supposed to wonder that, and then ask questions about it. But then I looked at Hatake, giggling over his third-rate porn, and thought that he’d just slide past the question.”

“Is any porn _not_ third-rate?” Ken asked. “It all seems pretty thin to me, with barely anything resembling a plot.”

That made Tsuna wonder just when Ken was slipping off to indulge in porn, but thought better of asking. He really didn’t want to know, in the end.

Xeul stepped back in and took a seat. “Your drunken client is omitting some serious details about the mission, Heul. The delightful fellow currently dictating events in Wave, a man named Gato, has been killing off dissidents, has control of all shipping in and out of the area, and has hired nuke-nin to take out Tazuna so he cannot finish that bridge and bypass Gato’s blockade.”

“Awesome,” he said flatly. “Any idea how many?”

Xeul shook his head. “I’m going to guess at least two, probably chūnin or higher. I could always take a trip tonight, now that I’ve seen what his little town in Wave looks like, scope things out, and bring back more information. I’d be back in more than enough time to brief you before you have to meet at the gate.”

Tsuna nodded.

Xeul stepped _Between_ again.

“So, I suppose I should pack,” he said. “Though I plan to use sealing scrolls for a quite a bit of it.”

“You do have those seals we worked out to expand a bag as a hybrid sealing scroll.”

Sadly, the only truly secure storage was his storage. Seals placed on his skin could be disrupted, seals on items could be torn, and the same was true for clothing. The only known seal that stayed more or less forever was the one the Yondaime had used for his hiraishin, but that might be because no one ever noticed them. “I’ll use pouches with seals to make them larger on the inside, but draw from storage.

“And I can use Cloud Flames to multiply any tools I use, though at first glance, with the mission as given, it’d only be bandits or thugs to worry about. Hatake hasn’t taught any of us shit, so clearly I’ve been super sneaky in finding material to study on my own, both in the academy and as part of a team. Mist to disguise the fact that I’m pulling stasis meals out of my storage…”

Xeul stepped back in and took a seat. “Time turner,” he said, to answer the unspoken question. “So, here’s the deal. There are two chūnin-level nuke-nin lying in wait in a genjutsu puddle on your route to Wave. If you make it past them, a jōnin-level nuke-nin, one Momochi Zabuza, will be waiting, along with his apprentice.

“You already know who Momochi is, so I’ll focus on the apprentice. Haku, formerly of Water, then more specifically Kiri, but never a part of their army. The kid has a kekkei genkai, Hyōton, and was orphaned quite young during the bloodline purge. The kid’s mother also had Hyōton and when the father noticed, after Haku showed his mother what he could do, he and his buddies killed the woman, then went after the kid, who instinctively struck out and killed them.

“Momochi picked him up on his way out of town, and has trained him ever since as his tool. Haku will be playing the part of Kiri hunter-nin as necessary. So if you do manage to get Momochi to the point where it looks like he’s about to lose, Haku will step in with his senbon and claim to have been after him, then get him to safety.”

“Hunter-nin are suppose to lop off the head to turn in and destroy the body,” Ken said, “so that should be a huge tip-off, to Hatake, at least. I doubt the other two would have bothered to pay attention to stuff like that.”

“Wave is practically destitute,” Xeul said. “It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to bring along pantry items—rice, grain, you know—so you can coincidentally offer some to Tazuna’s daughter as a thank you for hosting your team. If you’re to guard the man while the bridge is built, I wouldn’t doubt she’d offer you house space.”

“I imagine that fresh genin on their first C-rank wouldn’t do half the things they ought to, and end up carrying a pack with a tent, a fuckton of ration bars, a couple of changes of clothing, and extra weapons. They’d expect to see bandits at most.”

“Either the academy sucks more than I remember, or the jōnin sensei are expected to teach their genin how to approach C-ranks, which naturally, Hatake utterly failed to do. I’m curious to see how he acts during this mission. Hopefully by then I’ll have a better idea how I’d consider trolling him.”

Tazuna already had a bottle to his lips when they arrived, which made Tsuna’s eye twitch. Iemitsu had left such a lasting impression on him when it came to drinking and drunks. True, the man was desperate to finish his bridge and get his town out from under Gato’s heel, so he could understand wanting to keep his nerves soothed, but…

(That did not prevent Tsuna from occasionally wanting to take a sip from a bottle of Chambord, or have a finger or two of it in a glass, but he was never excessive.)

Moving at a civilian pace for the walk was annoying, but expected, and Tazuna kept taking pulls on that bottle of his. It made Tsuna wonder just how many more were in the man’s pack.

“Um, Tazuna-san?” Sakura asked hesitantly. “You’re from Wave Country, right?”

“What about it?”

Sakura looked at Hatake next. “Um, Kakashi-sensei, do they have ninjas in that country, too?”

‘Book-smart fangirl doesn’t even know that much?’ he thought in disgust. ‘I know it was covered in class.’

“No, not in Wave. But there are in most other countries. The culture and customs may be different, but hidden villages exist, and so do ninjas.” Hatake then went off on a lecture about various things the girl should already know had she bothered to pay attention.

“But don’t worry,” Hatake said. “There won’t be any ninja combat in a C-rank mission.”

“Then we won’t come into contact with any foreign ninja?” she said.

Hatake laughed lazily. “Of course not!”

Up ahead Tsuna could see a puddle and assumed it was the one Xeul had mentioned, which meant two chūnin-rank nuke-nin were hiding there. The two kids and Tazuna didn’t so much as glance at it, but Hatake did, so at least he was paying attention to their surroundings.

Tsuna set a window on it in his-eyes-only mode and kept walking. It was after they had gotten a short distance beyond it that two figures rose up from it. They were connected by a spiked chain. One grabbed the other and threw him through the air at Hatake, and that chain was using to wrap around their sensei and bind him in place.

“What!?” Hatake said, which cued the others into stopping and looking back.

‘This says horrible things for their level of danger awareness.’

“One down,” said one of the two nuke-nin, then pulled.

Hatake’s form was shredded, seemingly.

Then they went after Tsuna, probably because of Naruto’s default dopey look.

Sasuke stopped imitating a statue and moved to attack, somehow managing to land with one foot on each head, and used a kunai to pin the chain down. Which was useless, sadly, as the two simply detached from it (Tsuna gave the kid mental points anyway) and aimed at Tazuna instead.

Tsuna sighed and finally acted, swiping forward with a wave of chakra, like a scalpel, to hamstring the both of them and cause them to topple over.

Hatake popped back into view with a surprisingly non-lazy look on the visible portion of his face. The two attackers were quickly shuffled over to a tree and tied against it, and not in a way that would be easily escapable. “Tazuna-san, we need to talk.”

“W-What is it?”

“These two are chūnin-class ninja from Kiri, known to keep fighting no matter what.”

“How did you even know we were there!?”

Hatake tilted his head to the side. “It’s sunny out and it hasn’t rained in days. That puddle shouldn’t have existed.”

“Why did you let the brats fight if you suspected something?” Tazuna asked.

“So I could see who their target was,” Hatake said calmly. “Meaning, were they after one of us … or you. Our mission was to protect you from thugs or bandits, not shinobi. This mission has become at least B-rank. Had it been known there were ninja after you it would have cost you more to secure the services of Konoha. I’m sure you had your reasons, but that causes us problems. We’re now operating outside of our duties.”

Tazuna broke under the words and spilled everything, emphasizing the fate of his daughter and grandson on top of all the other troubles the people of Wave were experiencing. He was lavish in his descriptions of just how bad things were, a play for sympathy.

Sasuke clearly did not care about any of that, but looked eager in his own way to continue, probably at the idea of fighting. Sakura looked scared and ready to run home, but when she saw Sasuke’s expression she straightened up and stepped a bit closer to him, showing her support.

“If we continue,” he said, “and complete this, Wave would have the funds to pay the difference, would they not? Plus a fine for the mis-ranking. It might not be straight away, but…”

“Are you forgetting all the thugs?” Hatake said.

“Not at all. But they are thugs, and well within the capabilities of genin. We wouldn’t be sent on C-ranks otherwise. If Gato himself is taken down, what are the odds we can take back what he’s stolen from Wave, or the equivalent?”

Hatake shifted. “That’s easy for a genin who’s never killed to say.”

Tsuna smiled serenely. “And what is a proper first kill, then? A C-rank with exactly three sleeping thugs, one for each of us? Sounds unlikely. I was under the apparently mistaken impression that shinobi use stealth—like those two started out with—so with stealth and the proper tools, how much of a gulf is there between three thugs and thirty?”

“And if it’s three hundred?” Hatake countered.

“Better tactics and planning.” He shrugged. “You’re the leader for this team, so your decision goes. That you’re even discussing this says you lean toward moving forward rather than heading back.”

Hatake turned his gaze on the other two.

“I want to continue,” Sasuke promptly said.

Sakura looked torn again, but showed her unthinking support of her dream man again and nodded. 

Tsuna knew that no matter what happened he would come out of it safe on the other side, and would disappear if necessary. But he was curious as to what Hatake would do. He lost respect for the man the second he said they would continue the mission, but not for that. It was the failure to call for backup that did it.

The two nuke-nin, the Demon Brothers by the looks of it, were known associates of Momochi according to the last Bingo Book he had read, so while not guaranteed, the assumption should have been that Momochi could be involved. Thus, backup. Which was not happening.

Eventually they reached the coast and could see part of the bridge in progress. For the land they were living in it was quite the accomplishment. A boatman was waiting for them, looking exceedingly nervous about the whole venture, and quite grateful for the mist that was helping to keep him unnoticeable against the grey of the water.

The ride was silent as befit the mood, and after sliding under a smaller bridge (which seemed to function almost as a breakwater along the coast near the town) they were dropped off at a wooden dock. The boatman slid off again and out of view.

“Okay, time to get me home,” Tazuna said quietly.

As they meandered along the coastal path Tsuna noticed a flash of white out of the corner of his eye, in the forest that lined the way, which was odd considering the season. “Why is there a white rabbit around at this time of year?” he said quietly.

“Get down!” Hatake barked, then crouched low.

A massive sword went spinning over their heads and lodged into a tree; before Tsuna could move to do something like seal it away, Momochi was standing atop the handle. His fashion sense was … suspect, though Tsuna gave him credit for using a camouflague pattern on his forearm and leg warmers.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Kiri’s nuke-nin Momochi Zabuza,” Hatake said lazily. “Everyone, get back. This one’s on a whole other level. It’ll be a little tough,” he said, reaching up to take hold of his tilted hitai-ate, “unless I do this.”

“You appear to be Sharingan no Kakashi,” Zabuza said. “Sorry, but the old man is mine.”

Sasuke went still, either in surprise, anger, or both, at the very idea of someone other than an Uchiha possessing a sharingan.

“Surround and protect Tazuna,” Hatake ordered. “That’s the teamwork here. Do not enter the fight.” He focused again on Momochi. “Zabuza first,” he said, then slid his forehead protector out of the way.

“No more talking,” Momochi said. “I have an old man to kill.”

‘Why does that man have no brows?’ he wondered as he moved into position to protect their drunk of a client.

Momochi reappeared atop the nearby water and “cast” one of his techniques, which exploded mist outward and concealed practically everything.

“He’ll come after me first,” Hatake said. “Momochi Zabuza, as a member of Kiri… He’s a known expert in silent killing. You don’t even notice until you’re already dead. It’s not like I can use the sharingan perfectly. You guys be careful.”

‘And what kind of a moron says in front of an enemy that he can’t use the sharingan perfectly?’ he wondered. ‘Unless he’s doing it as a feint…’

“Eight choices,” floated out of the mist. “Liver, lungs, spine, clavical vein. Neck vein, brain, kidneys, heart. Which one should I go after?”

A wave of killing intent washed over them, strong indeed, strong enough to cause Sasuke’s hand, tightly gripped around a kunai, to start creeping upward in a suicide move.

“Sasuke, don’t worry,” Hatake said calmly. “I’ll protect you guys even if it kills me. I don’t let my comrades die.”

Tsuna very quietly created an unanchored Bounding Box to cover the client, though if anything was thrown at the man it would not protect him. That being so, he was ready with several windows in his-eyes-only mode to be able to use his Earth Flames to guide any kunai or shuriken he threw to knock incoming weapons off target.

Sasuke and Sakura spent more time watching the fight between Hatake and Momochi than they did making sure the client was safe.

And then Hatake was stupid enough to dive into the water to escape an attack, while fighting a man from Kiri and who used water clones. Momochi had the man trapped in a water prison in no time flat.

“You guys take the client and run!” Hatake yelled from his watery prison. “You have no chance of beating him. As long as he’s keeping me trapped in this prison he can’t move!”

“What an idiot,” he muttered, much to Sakura’s dismay.

“What are you saying!?” she screeched.

Tsuna pointed at the water clone Momochi had just made that was heading their way. “We can’t beat him, huh?” he said as he lashed out again with his chakra wave, which disrupted the thing and made it dissolve in a splash. “Say we leave. The client is safe for only so long as it takes for Hatake-san to die in that thing, and then the real Momochi comes after us. How far do you think we’d get?

“Throw what you have to spare at him and try to disrupt his hold on that jutsu,” he said, taking a look around, and wondering where Momochi’s backup was hiding. To suit actions to words, he waited until they had aimed and thrown kunai at the target, then followed up with some of his own, using Earth Flames to force-guide them.

Momochi was damn good at deflecting one-handed, without any kind of weapon, but Tsuna slipped one through and pierced through the hand holding the cage, which caused Momochi to reel backward in momentary reaction. Either way, it was enough to free Hatake.

The look on Hatake’s face, with both eyes visible, was enough to say without words that the man was upset with himself for his performance so far. He put that sharingan to good use and mimicked everything Momochi did, just a split second faster.

The next thing they knew Momochi had been slammed into a tree and had several kunai sticking out of him. Unfortunately, as Hatake went in for the kill, Momochi’s compatriot struck, landing two senbon into the nuke-nin’s neck.

Giggling alerted them to the new presence’s location. “He’s dead.”

Hatake dropped off the branch he was on and knelt down to check Momochi’s pulse, then got back up and walked over to the team.

The fake hunter-nin flickered over to the “corpse” and said, “Your battle is over, and now I must dispose of the body as per regulations.” Another flicker and the two were gone.

Hatake replaced his hitai-ate. “We need to get the client home.”

Tazuna laughed happily. “Super thanks, guys! Come over to my house and relax for a while!”

Hatake chose that moment to keel over.

Tazuna’s house was on the water atop a pier of sorts. Tsunami, the man’s daughter, showed them to a room where they could put Hatake, who was awake but barely able to move. Chakra exhaustion, he claimed. They were then treated to a lecture on hunter-nin which ended with Hatake suddenly buying a clue and coming to a realization.

“So you’re saying something is wrong, then,” Tsuna said. “You just said a hunter-nin disposes of the body on the spot, and that’s not what happened.”

Hatake nodded. “Having taken the body away, we have no proof Momochi is actually dead. There are attacks that can put someone into a near death state, where it’s very difficult to tell that they aren’t, and a neck attack like that is one of them. Even if Momochi is dead, Gato has already hired three nuke-nin. There might be more. While we wait for the next attack, you guys will be training,” he declared.

‘Training? From a man who hasn’t bothered to train us in anything yet?’

“There’s no way you can win against Gato,” a small child said from the doorway. “You’re all going to die. You should leave before that happens.” Then he trundled back off to do whatever it was small children in coastal towns did.

“Tomorrow morning we’ll get started,” Hatake said, then settled down to rest and recover.

‘This business where I can’t just waste defects is really annoying,’ he thought as he got up to go see if Tsunami needed any assistance.

“We’re going to be learning how to climb trees,” Hatake said cheerily, which had the expected results. “This is a chakra control exercise,” he pointed out. “Even if you’re able to release a large amount of chakra, unless you control it properly your jutsu will be weakened or not work at all. Of course, you’ll also run out far too fast. You need to learn how to control it and use it effectively.”

“What does climbing trees have to do with chakra control?” Sakura asked.

“Watch.” Hatake crutched over to the nearest tree and placed a foot on the bark, then began to walk straight up it, crutches included. He came to a stop on the underside of a branch. “You understand now? Gather chakra in the bottom of your feet and use it to climb the tree. This is something you can do once you use chakra well.”

“Wait a minute!” Sakura objected. “How is learning to climb a tree going to make us stronger!?”

Tsuna zoned out during the ensuing discussion because he could not be bothered to pay attention to Sakura’s whining and clear evidence that she hadn’t been listening to begin with, and had never in her life seen any of the Konoha nin walk up walls, nor was her thinking flexible enough to intuitively understand the lesson. That Hatake wasn’t bothering to explain it in a way that made it attractive, or just flat out order them to do it, was something else.

He zoned back in when three kunai hit the ground in front of them.

“Use these kunai to mark how high you make it up the tree, then use that mark as a goal to surpass. You guys won’t be good enough to just walk up the tree at first, so get some momentum and try running up the tree. Got it?”

Sasuke and Sakura grabbed kunai, focused on channeling chakra to their feet, then took off running. Sasuke barely got any height before he was blasted off, though he was well-trained enough to flip as he flew through the air and land properly. Sakura, on the other hand, scampered up fairly quickly and grabbed a seat on a high branch.

Hatake turned his gaze toward Tsuna.

He disdained the kunai and walked to the nearest tree, then straight up it, around the trunk, and back down again.

“…Okay!” Hatake said. “Sakura and Naruto can work on their stamina, while Sasuke works on getting this down. I mean, I thought the Uchiha Clan was better than this, but…”

“You shut up, sensei!” Sakura screeched.

“You’ll be working all day on this, my cute little genin,” Hatake said as he stumped back down to the ground. “I’ll be back in a bit, so I better see some results.”

Tsuna tagged the guy with a window, formed a shadow clone and swapped seamlessly with it, then stepped out to go hunting. Hatake stopped as soon as he was out of sight and fetched up against a tree to rest while still being able to keep an eye on the team.

Tsuna, however, went to even the odds some, by _Edging_ into Momochi’s hideout and putting him and his tool to sleep before shoving the monster sword into storage. The man was still plenty dangerous without the thing.

He was back swapped with his clone with no one the wiser (his family excepted) and back to “practicing” his chakra control via tree walking.

Later that night, while he was supposed to be sleeping, he waited until it was safe to do so before forming a normal clone around himself and stepping out. He could always use his time turner to make up the time if necessary.

“So?” he asked.

“Haku was brainwashed into being a tool and will do anything to protect Momochi,” Xeul said. “I get the distinct impression that if Momochi died, Haku would fall into a suicidal depression.”

Tsuna sighed.

“Momochi was very straightforward when he made the offer to take Haku with him, so it’s not like the kid didn’t know, but it’s gone on long enough that recovering from it would take a long, long time. It might be safer just to kill the two of them and worry about the thugs Gato has instead. Hatake said it himself. They have no proof that Zabuza was killed, and no proof that he wasn’t.”

“Play hunter again, then, for the bounty on Zabuza. For Haku just do a clean kill and incinerate the remains. Leave nothing behind for anyone to fuck with. The very fact that they’re working for a defect like Gato and targeting an innocent civilian…”

Xeul nodded. “They’ll be handled shortly.”

Tsuna gave him a hug, then stepped back to replace his clone and get some sleep.

Once Sasuke finally got down tree climbing, Hatake moved them on to water walking. For that Tsuna pretended to have some difficulties, but he spent more time secretly laughing over his two teammates cursing over getting dunked so often. He allowed himself to be dunked about half as often as those two, just so he did not completely outclass them.

Hatake was getting better and leaned less heavily on his crutches. Never having experienced chakra exhaustion, Tsuna couldn’t begin to say if those crutches were even necessary, or if they were a feint to fake out any potential watchers. The man was still keeping a quiet eye on them during the time he expected it would take for Momochi to recover.

“Let’s take a break,” Hatake called.

Two of them waded out and gratefully accepted bentos from their sensei. Tsuna tottered off the water and onto land, then produced his own bento. Like hell was he eating someone else’s cooking if he didn’t have to. Hatake just shrugged and put one of them away.

“Same as always, my cute little genin. Eat, train some more, and at the first sign of danger, retreat to the house.”

Kakashi felt well enough the next day to move their training to the bridge area so that Tazuna could get back to work. One of them stayed on land to help guard while the other two practiced on the water. Sakura, as expected, was getting the hang of it far more quickly than Sasuke due to excellent control. Of course, all the control in the world would be of precious little use if she failed to work on increasing her reserves.

She still spent most of her time fangirling over every minute iota of progress the Uchiha made rather than concentrating on her own training. She also complained that the contents of the bento given her were fattening and that she was going to gain too much weight.

Tsuna felt like spiking a few dozen senbon through her for that comment alone.

They got a wake up call the next day when Gato arrived, shaking his pimp cane angrily—which made Tsuna realize that no one had yet sipped anything angrily—and whined to his mob of thugs that Momochi had clearly failed (and wasn’t it a good thing he had not planned to pay the guy anyway and instead backstab him) and they needed to do the job instead.

Tsuna looked at their surroundings. They were standing on a bridge that had no end (yet) and opened to water. Yes, the bridge was fairly wide, but it still served to narrow the avenue of attack. Only so many of those thugs could come at them at once, which would help.

The very first thing he did while Gato continued to rant away, shaking his pimp cane some more, was seed the entire land area in front of the bridge with caltrops and pressure-sensitive explosive tags.

Cloud Flames were super handy at times and helped to cut down on equipment costs.

Sasuke and Sakura raced up the side of the bridge and onto it, and both pulled out kunai … which … was not a terrible weapon against thugs and bandits. Sasuke was trembling in excitement and Sakura looked like she wanted to be sick.

Tsuna sidled over to Hatake and whispered, “You might want to avoid the land right in front of the bridge. It’s not a nice place. Expect explosions.”

Hatake gave him a weird, one-eyed look, and nodded. “Let them come to us,” he said loudly enough so the others could hear. “Tazuna and any workers should stay back, out of the way.”

Since Gato and his mooks are over your way, we thought we’d take a short holiday and clear his stronghold out of any loot.

Tsuna smirked and nodded slightly.

He could hear the sound of footsteps behind him, people shuffling backward. One came closer—Sasuke, of course—and the three of them stood ready to meet the incoming tide.

Tsuna pulled a set of trench knives out of nowhere, fitted them in place, and settled himself.

The first wave of thugs hit the seeded area and exploded. Tsuna was kind enough to have Earth Flames at the ready in case any caltrops got blown their way. Given how he had seeded the area, the one that did was easily dodged anyway, had it not been stopped early.

“Needs more cowbell,” he shouted at their opponents and tossed out more exploding tags, some of them attached to senbon.

“Rawwwr!” the thugs cried and rushed forward, only to explode.

“They’re not very bright, are they?” he asked no one in particular. “Maybe that’s why they’re thugs?”

In the background, Sakura was busy throwing up everything she had eaten that week due to the smell of burning flesh. The poor girl would probably never eat pork again in her life.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was being held back by Hatake. “Easy there, brat. Did you not see all those caltrops? You really want to embed those in your own feet?”

“I will end them!” Sasuke growled.

Tsuna looked over to see Hatake rolling his one visible eye. His expression said, “Why me?”

He was tempted to make a smart-ass comment about how if Hatake actually acted like a sensei and not their disinterested, porn-obsessed minder, his students might actually do something like an actual ninja, but thought better of it.

“Still not enough cowbell,” he said mournfully instead, and tossed out another wave of exploding tags.

It was not until they got down to a reasonable number of thugs that he stopped so that Sasuke could sate his thirst for blood and show off what a big stud he was when it came to fighting. (Sakura continued to dry heave in the background.)

Shortly thereafter the thugs were dead and Gato was yelling incoherently and waving that pimp cane around like it would magically produce more cannon fodder.

Hatake sashayed over and lopped his head off, ending the rant. “Well, my cute little genin! Looks like we may have dealt with the root of the problem.”

“We’d still fight Momochi if he showed up, right?” Sasuke asked (or more like demanded).

“Sure,” Hatake said easily. “Though now that he’s not likely to get paid, I’m not sure why he’d stick around.”

“He could break into Gato’s stronghold and clean it out,” Tsuna said innocently. “It’s what I’d do.”

“Mm, excellent point. However, we are stuck here until the bridge is complete,” Hatake pointed out, then glanced back over his shoulder. “You should grab a bucket and wash that off the bridge, Sakura.”

The girl gaped and dry heaved again.

“We wouldn’t want the workers to slip in that, tumble over the side, and drown, would we?”

The trip back to Konoha was nicely boring. Without a civilian along they could move faster, which was good, but they did not move much faster because … Sakura had no stamina. It took them almost as long to return as it did for them to get to Wave.

Hatake had written up most of his mission report while waiting for the bridge to be complete, so once they arrived at the mission desk he was able to hand it in and give a very brief verbal report. His brow disappeared up under his hitai-ate at one point, so Tsuna assumed that was a cue to say he’d be more verbose in private if necessary.

“I see,” the Hokage said, then puffed on his pipe.

Also handed over was a document that Tazuna had signed, as proof that the client was satisfied.

“In that case, collect your pay and take three days off before you start up again.”

Tsuna disappeared the second they were released from duty and reappeared at the Kuro compound. He bee-lined for the kitchen and immersed himself in baking—after hugging his stand mixer, which had been converted to power itself with runes.

He fended off the pawing hands of his family as they welcomed him home and set to making an impossibly moist chocolate cake and buttercream frosting. The icing was dumped into a container and left to cure for a good four hours—he had found that the vanilla in it tasted too raw when first made—and then made dinner.

“How much loot did you get?” he finally asked, snatching up some steamed vegetables with his hashi.

“Boatloads of gold, for one thing. Tons of ryo—a lot of which we left as gifts all around the town, for what little immediate good it’ll do them—and a fair amount of food, which we also left with the townsfolk.”

“…Were there any … loose ends?”

Xeul grimaced and nodded. “A bunch of women who were practically braindead due to being broken in preparation for being shipped out for some brothel or other. We put them out of their misery. We could have wiped all those experiences, but I know for a fact that it would only have left them scared to death of something they didn’t understand and couldn’t remember, and they’d have been barely functional. It’s not like the average peasant has access to skilled psychologists or a Yamanaka.”

He sighed. “And here I thought our original worlds were craptastic at times. I forgot about all the really nasty shit that went down in earlier eras, and the world we’re in counts for that. Right, okay.”

“On the brighter side, we got plenty of documentation, so if we’re ever in the mood we can go dismantle other parts of Gato’s empire with extreme prejudice.”

He did brighten up at that. “Right, that reminds me. Hatake definitely needs a haunt of some kind. Fucker didn’t call for backup when he knew his green genin would be running into more nuke-nin, and teaching his students tree climbing and water walking does not make up for that, especially given that he’s basically taught nothing so far.

“And get this. In case you didn’t notice, he revealed that sharingan at the start of the fight with Momochi! What a tool! Is he really so dependent on that eye that he can’t fight a serious fight without it? He fought a Kiri nin and dove into the water!? The man desperately needs to get his act together.”

“Have you considered that he’s only killing time until he can push you three into the next Chūnin Exams—which are here in Konoha this round—and hopefully get rid of you?”

“Maybe, but that’s beside the point. I bet the only reason he passed a team was because of Sasuke, and now he’s spitefully refusing to teach anything as his only way to get back at the powers that be.”

“Assuming your team is nominated for the exams, how do you think those two will fare?” Sin asked.

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “Sakura is worse than useless and Sasuke is all, ‘Come at me, bro, I’ll get stronger by defeating you.’ Do we know what the exams consist of? I don’t remember.”

“Part one is a written test, but it’s a trick. The skill they’re testing for is information gathering, since the questions are well above chūnin-level and there will be plants in the room with the correct answers you can cheat off. The final question is also a trick. Anyone who refuses it fails, so a team that made it to the tenth question could still fail if one of their members wimps out.

“Part two is a survival test of sorts. Training Ground 44 will be used and each team will be given a Heaven or Earth scroll. The idea is that a team needs one of each, brought to the tower at the center, and opened there. Only full teams can pass that portion and a number of entrants end up dying in fights over the scrolls.

“If there are too many entrants who make it to the tower with both scrolls, they do a preliminary set of bouts to drop the number down to something reasonable, so getting to the tower early is preferable so you’re at full strength if prelims occur.

“Part three is a set of one-on-bouts a month later, a tournament, in view of the villagers, honored guests, and kages from participating nations. From what I found, you don’t have to win in order to get a promotion. You do have to prove you have the right mindset, the brains, tactics, and so forth. The next Chūnin Exams will be in September.”

“What about the base we’ve been constructing? I’d say a Fidelius Charm, but then whoever was keeping the secret couldn’t spend much time there. Lots and lots of runes, plus an anchor, then. Hm.”

“The byakugan?” Chikusa said.

He nodded. “How deep can those things see, anyway? Or can they at all? There’s got to be seals or runes we could use to block their sight, or fool it. It’d be just as suspicious if they saw what amounted to a void when near the tower.”

“Very few people go in there. It’s mostly Mitarashi Anko and ANBU, though there are Hyūga in ANBU. We’ll spend some more time poking around in their heads, to get a more in-depth understanding of what they see—or how they see—with those eyes of theirs. We should be able to formulate a defense. We already know they can see the barrier around the village, but that shouldn’t come as a shock.”

“It lessens the risk, at least,” he said. “Well, we have a few months, thankfully, so let’s finish that up.”

Hatake took them on another host of D-rank missions over the next few months, which suited Sakura just fine, as it gave her time to attend to her beauty routine and moon over Sasuke, who chafed under the “kiddie” missions and spread his emo glory all over the place. Sadly, his attitude was infecting the other Uchiha children who had been saved, which was sad, though not entirely unexpected.

He sighed. Not his problem.

They had just finished up with yet another exciting mission to paint a fence when he heard then saw a hawk circling overhead. Hatake saw it as well and immediately dismissed them for the day.

“I’m going home, then,” Sasuke said as he did an about-face and started to walk off.

“Hey, Sasuke-kun, wait!” Sakura cried. “How about we work on our teamwork,” she said, her hands rising up to clasp under her chin.

Tsuna held back a shudder after seeing Nana superimposed on his teammate.

“Just the two of us.”

Sasuke stopped and looked back. “You’re just the same. If you have time to bother me, practice a jutsu or two instead. Frankly, your ability has barely improved at all,” he said scornfully, then hastened off.

Sakura wilted.

Tsuna became aware of an odd noise and looked back. A box with two holes was shuffling along toward him, though at least the thing had been painted to vaguely approximate a rock. “Rocks are never that shape naturally,” he said. “Nor do they have eye holes.”

The box lifted to reveal three small children packed in there, one of whom was the Hokage’s grandson, Konohamaru, wearing that hilariously long scarf he favored. The other two were a boy (who was in desperate need of some allergy medication) and a girl who had her hair done up in two haystacks.

“That’s the man I consider my rival!” Konohamaru stated.

“Dude, you three seriously need work on disguise techniques. Solid Snake you aren’t.”

The three kids looked very confused by that, not that he expected them to get the joke.

“Play ninja with us!”

His brow went up. He barely knew the kid, so why was he pestering him?

“Why would a ninja ‘play’ ninja?” Sakura asked. She had a storm cloud over her head, wetting on her.

‘Maybe she’s got a water affinity?’ he wondered.

“Hey! Who’s this girl!? …Oh! Is she your—!?” Konohamaru made a weird hand signal that completely escaped him.

Sakura understood, because she growled and loomed over the kid. “How dare you!?”

Konohamaru squealed like a stuck pig in fear. “That huge forehead! Is that even really a girl!?”

Sakura doubled in size, her entire demeanor showing she was on the verge of going nuclear. While Tsuna was not much concerned, as she was next to useless ninety-nine percent of the time, it was enough to scare the pixies out of the three kids.

“Run!” shrieked Konohamaru before he booked it in the opposite direction. His two friends hastened after him, periodically getting lashed in the face by that silly scarf.

Sakura made chase—pathetically, as she could barely keep up—right up until Konohamaru fled full-tilt into a teenager wearing kabuki makeup, a Suna hitai-ate, and a head covering that had pseudo-horns on it. On his back was some kind of container with a puff of what looked like a chibi-Reborn’s hair sticking out of it.

“That hurt…” Kabuki said, staring down at the kid, who had landed on his tush.

Beside him was a girl with a Suna hitai-ate around her neck, plenty of mesh, and hair in four haystacks. Tsuna seriously wondered what was up with all these people and their bizarro hairstyles.

Children of the Kazekage, flashed up in front of his eyes.

Konohamaru squealed as he was yanked up off the ground by Kabuki (whose makeup made him seem like he was always smiling). “That hurt, you little piece of shit!”

“Don’t,” said Four-Haystacks. “We’ll get yelled at later.”

“Let’s play a little before the boss comes,” Kabuki said, giving the kid a little shake.

“Oh, wow,” Tsuna deadpanned. “I had no idea foreign nin were so brainless as to threaten the grandchild of the Hokage. I guess maybe you think being the children of the Kazekage makes it okay? Some sort of social strata bonding?”

Konohamaru hit the ground with a thump and a muffled sound of pain, but he quickly recovered and scampered back out of reach.

“Kid, it’s probably better if you three buzz off for now,” he said quietly. “The Chūnin Exams will be starting shortly, so there’ll be a lot of foreign nin around the village.”

Konohamaru’s eyes went wide. He nodded, hopped up, and ran off with his friends.

Kabuki was clearly prone to anger, as he removed the container from his back, allowing Tsuna a better look at it. It resembled a mummy, almost, with all those wrappings.

“Hey, what? You’re going to use Karasu?” Four-Haystacks muttered disbelievingly.

“You’re an embarrassment to our village,” a new voice came.

Tsuna looked toward it to see a red-haired boy standing on the underside of a tree branch. He had thick, black markings around his eyes, like a toddler who went heavy-handed with mummy’s eye liner, and had a massive gourd on his back.

Sabaku no Gaara, youngest child of the Kazekage, jinchūriki of the Ichibi, one of his Mists helpfully supplied.

“Ga-Gaara…” Kabuki said nervously.

“Losing control of yourself like that, how pathetic. Why do you think we came to Konoha?”

“Listen, Gaara, they started it and—”

“Shut up, or I’ll kill you,” Gaara threatened.

Kabuki quaked in place and kept his mouth firmly shut.

I’m thinking that Gaara’s seal is nothing like mine.

Mm. His siblings look scared to death of him.

Gaara flickered down to the ground and said, “Looks like we got here too early. But we didn’t come here to play around. Let’s go.”

“Wait!” Sakura called out. “Judging by your hitai-ate, you’re from Suna, right? You may be allies with Konoha, but it’s forbidden for shinobi to enter each other’s villages without permission. State your purpose. Depending on it, we may not be able to let you go.”

Tsuna eyed his teammate with disbelief. What, she thought the gate guards were daydreaming and just let anyone walk in, or that they had smuggled themselves past the barrier? And were then openly strolling about the village without a care?

Four-Haystacks pulled out her entrance form. “Are you clueless? Don’t you know anything? Yeah, we’re from Suna, here to take part in the Chūnin Selection Exams.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes and wandered off after opening a window on Gaara, not able to give a damn that his teammate was a bookworm and yet so ignorant. If they ended up in the exams—a given—he would have to consider ways to keep the Ichibi’s container off their backs, because sure as shit Sasuke would take one look at Gaara and think it’d be a fine idea to provoke a fight.

By the time he got back to the Kuro compound he was watching the three Suna nin discussing their plans in their hotel room. The two elder siblings spoke at length with their jōnin sensei, Baki, about the upcoming exams, but Gaara spent that time sitting on a window seat staring out over the village.

“Okay, so, we have Orochimaru behind this,” Mukuro said, “using Suna as fodder, because their Kazekage is an idiot and doesn’t understand maths, because repeated attempts to assassinate his own son somehow does not add up in his head to the Wind Daimyo taking offense and diverting missions to Fire. Well, clearly we need to track down the snake and get a window on him to see if there’s more to it than just revenge for being driven off after his horrific, worse-than-Estraneo-level experimentation on people.”

“The Hokage was a pussy to let him get away,” Ken opined. “He should’ve pulled on his big girl panties and wasted the damn defect.”

Nods went around the table.

“I love you guys to death and back, but if one of you went psycho on me, I’d be the first in line to rip your head off and piss down your neck,” Tsuna said cheerfully.

“As it should be,” Hayato said firmly.

“So, right, plan of action. I keep the two idiots alive in the forest and get them to the tower, preferably having stolen an extra scroll from some unsuspecting idiot before that part of things even starts. If Orochimaru shows up, one of you tags the fucker so we can find him later and spy, so we can make a more detailed plan about what to do regarding him and any spies he has here in Konoha.”

“Village security is utter shit with this false sense of security they have going, but at least we should be able to clear out some of the dross.”

“I’m not particularly in the mood to do a person by person survey of minds if it can be avoided.”

“But we can if it becomes necessary.”

He shrugged. “We’ll see, though I doubt it’d be necessary.”

Hatake waved three pieces of paper around, then handed one to each of them. “These are nominations for the upcoming Chūnin Selection Exam. Whether to take the exam is up to each of you. Those who wish to take it should sign their copy and turn them in at room 301 by four o’clock tomorrow.”

“That’s afternoon, correct?” he asked.

Hatake nodded. “That is all,” he said, then sauntered off.

‘I wonder if these two even realize we have to enter as a team,’ he wondered as he headed away, already planning to get one of his Mists to mind-fuck the two of them to arrive by 2pm, in an attempt to beat the crowd.

He was waiting outside the academy when Sasuke wandered over and grunted his version of a greeting. Sakura was not far behind, though she looked decidedly nervous over the whole thing. Knowing ahead of time there was a five-day survival portion immediately following stage one, Tsuna had already prepared quite a bit to carry them through, not that he should need most of it.

They went inside and Tsuna adroitly steered the two past the genjutsu trap—he had a feeling if they had arrived later, when there were more people showing up, that Sasuke would have felt the need to show off by pointing the thing out—and up to the correct room. He wasn’t the least bit surprised that Hatake was nowhere to be found, and pushed into room 301.

“I must have read my clock wrong?” Sakura muttered.

Tsuna fetched up against a wall and pulled out a book on the history of Kusa to read, as well as opened a bag of snacks in his pocket.

Sakura fluttered around Sasuke, who leaned against the adjoining wall and brooded.

A half hour later the first others showed up and the room slowly began to fill, with teams eight and ten showing up last of the Konoha teams. Ino squealed and darted toward Sasuke; the others followed much more slowly. None of them seemed to notice him standing there reading his book, which was excellent in his opinion.

There was a lot of complaining going back and forth between the rookie nine (bar him). Some were only there because their parents would flip a table had they not shown up (Shikamaru, Shino, Choji), and some were only there (Sakura, Ino) in the hopes of impressing a certain someone. Some (Sasuke, Kiba) seemed utterly convinced they would dominate the exams, and one person (Hinata) was there just to go with the flow, apparently. The poor girl seemed to have misplaced her spine along the way, even after they had pulled a fast one on the Hyūga and made them all a bit more equal.

A silver-haired genin with glasses trundled over to the group, staring at them disapprovingly. “Hey, you guys, you should be more quiet,” he said as eight sets of eyes looked his way. “You guys are rookies just out of the academy, right?” One hand went to the pouch on his hip in a sassy move. “Screaming like school girls, geez… This isn’t a picnic.”

“Who do you think you are?” Ino demanded, glaring at the young man.

“I’m Kabuto. But instead of that, look behind.”

Ino looked past Kabuto and widened her eyes. It was as if she only had eyes for Sasuke and failed to notice just how many genin were crowding the room, and near every one of them was sending looks of intimidation their way. Three in particular looked particularly menacing—to an actual rookie.

“Those three are from Rain; they have short tempers,” Kabuto said. “Everyone is nervous about the exam, so quiet down before you cause a scene. I mean, I can’t blame you. You’re rookies after all. Kind of reminds me of how I used to be.”

He pursed his lips at the smooth transition from disapproval to indulgence.

“Kabuto-san, right?” Sakura said.

“Yeah.”

“So this is your second time?”

“Nope, seventh. The exams are held twice a year, so this is my fourth year.”

“Wow,” Sakura said admiringly. “So you know a lot about this exam.”

“That’s right,” Kabuto said with a quiet chuckle. He pulled a set of cards out of the pouch his hand was on. “I’ll share some info with you cute rookies with these, nin-info cards.”

“…Nin-info cards…?”

“They’re basically cards with information burned into them with chakra. I’ve got four years worth of info here, over two hundred cards, but you can’t view them unless I use my chakra, like this.” He flipped a card out and laid it on the floor so they could all see, then charged it. “This one has the number of those taking the exam and the breakdown of what country they’re from.”

Tsuna frowned and, when he saw a twinkle, wrote, Why would a genin have that kind of information? Bribing the gate guards? Staking it out? Or something more sinister?

“Do you have cards with information on individuals?” Sasuke asked.

Kabuto chuckled again. “There are some guys you’re worried about? Of course, the info on all of this exam’s participants isn’t perfect, but I do have it. Even of you guys. Who do you want to know about?”

“Gaara of Suna and Rock Lee of Konoha.”

Tsuna opened a window so he could see for himself, and watched as Kabuto flipped through his deck quickly, somehow selecting out two of them.

“Okay, first is Rock Lee,” Kabuto said, but Tsuna wasn’t listening.

The information on the card was too detailed in his opinion. It showed who Lee’s teammates were and how many missions the team had gone on, which unless there was a public archive where that information was available, made no sense whatsoever. That he knew there was no such place made it all highly suspicious. Hell, the fact that Team Gai had only done twenty D-ranks and twelve C-ranks in a year and a half made even less sense.

I’m gonna meddle~!

“Next is Gaara. Since he’s a newcomer from a foreign country I don’t have much info, but… It seems he has the largest ever collection of teddy bears in the Elemental Nations, some of which are quite rare, like the sparkly vampire teddy bear from the Land of Forks.”

As one all the rookies (Tsuna included) looked over at Gaara, who appeared to be rather surprised to notice that his gourd was now in the shape of a honey bear and there was a soft, squashy teddy hanging from his belt.

“…Land of Forks…?” Sakura muttered. “I don’t remember that in our lessons…”

“What about Sakura and Sasuke!” Ino said.

“Oh? Hm.” Kabuto put the two cards back and shuffled through to find the appropriate ones. “Says here that Sakura washes her hair twice daily with a puree of strawberries to keep the colour true and keeps an Uchiha doll under her pillow. Huh. As for Sasuke… Wow, he has an extensive collection of rubber ducks. Looks like Gaara has some competition.”

Hinata poked her index fingers together and giggled quietly. “Neji,” she said quietly.

“Hm? All right.” Kabuto fiddled with his cards again and said, “Huh. Seems that Hyūga Neji uses a shampoo based on green tea, aloe, and rosemary, with water blessed by a priest, every time he washes his hair. I wonder how he can afford that on a genin’s pay. Well, Konoha, Suna, Ame, Kusa, Oto… Many outstanding genins are here. Well, Oto is a small village created just last year, so there isn’t much info, but the rest of the hidden villages are brimming with talented youngsters.”

“Oto is a _minor_ village? Is that so?” said one of the Oto nin, a grim look on his face.

“Let’s play with them a little bit…”

“Good idea. Calling us leftovers… Let’s help him add to his data. Oto nin can be quite vicious.”

One moved to attack, doing some very flashy moves, and aimed a fist at Kabuto, who dodged. Oddly, one of the lenses in his glasses shattered. Kabuto removed his glasses to examine them, then dropped to the floor and threw up.

Clouds of smoke burst into existence up at the front of the room, followed by, “Quiet down, you worthless bastards!”

Some dude in a trenchcoat had appeared along with at least twenty other Konoha nin. “Thanks for waiting,” Trenchcoat said, sending out a wave of killing intent that had half or more of the room gulping and sweating in fear. “I am Morino Ibiki, the examiner for the first part of the Chūnin Selection Exams. And, Oto, don’t be doing whatever the hell you please before the exam. Or do you want to fail before you even start?”

“S-Sorry… It’s our first time here and we got a little carried away…”

Morino snorted. “There will be no fighting without the permission of your examiner, and even when that permission is given, there’ll be no killing unless it’s specifically allowed. Piglets who disobey will be failed immediately. Now, let’s begin the first test. You will each take one of these numbers and sit in the indicated seats. Only then will we hand out the exams.”

Tsuna ended up between people he didn’t know, but that was irrelevant since he already had his plan to cheat ready. All he needed to do was identify a plant. There was a guy three rows up and four over who looked likely; he was far too calm and self-assured, and not in a falsely overconfident way.

Morino explained the rules of the test and how points would be taken—which caused Sakura to erupt with a question despite Morino having clearly stated he would answer _no_ questions—and then the papers were handed out.

“The exam will last one hour total. After forty-five minutes have passed, you will be given the tenth question. Begin!”

Tsuna flipped his paper over and saw the questions were rather esoteric and nothing his team had been prepared for. Some of them he already knew how to answer, but only because he read extensively when he had spare time. The guy he had a window on had already begun to fill in the answers, with no hesitation, so he kept the window on him.

A glance at the front and sides of the room showed the nin who had come with Morino all had sharp eyes, scowls, and clipboards to hand, ready to note down any cheating. A second window was manifested so he could sample the answers other people were writing, to compare those answers to his target’s. 

He began to write, noticing as he eyed his window occasionally that a twinkle had developed in the corner. He assumed it was one of his Mists saying he had found a plant. The plant in question was steadily working their way through the nine questions, so Tsuna copied along, then flipped his sheet over and sat back.

Five seconds later a kunai went streaking through the room to hit the desk behind him.

“What the hell!?”

One of the spotters sneered. “You were caught five times. You and your team fail. Get out.”

“No… No way…”

That started a wave of failures as people got more and more nervous. Tsuna just wished he could take out a book to read to pass the remaining time. Rather than do anything that might be taken as cheating he stored one window and moved the remaining one so it faced the room.

Gaara was doing something with his sand, Ino appeared to be sleeping, but Sakura had a shell-shocked look on her face. Shino was using his bugs to get answers, Kiba’s Akamaru kept whuffing quietly, and the three dōjutsu users he was familiar with had their bloodline activated. One girl even managed to manipulate a mirror on the ceiling—puppetry?—chakra threads?

“Okay! Pencils down!” Morino finally barked. “It’s time for the tenth question. Now, before we get to it, I’d like to go over the added rules for this question. These are … the rules of desperation. So first, for the tenth question, you must all decide whether or not you’ll take it.”

“Choose!?” Four-Haystacks said. “What happens if we choose not to!?”

“If you choose not to, your points will be reduced to zero. You’d fail! Along with your two teammates.”

“What does that mean!?”

“Then of course we’ll decide to take the question!”

“And now, the other rule. If you choose to take it, and answer incorrectly… Well, that person will lose the right to take the Chūnin Selection Exam again.”

“What kind of stupid rule is that!?” Kiba burst out. “There’re guys here who’ve taken the exam before!”

Morino chuckled lowly, darkly. “You guys are just that unlucky. This year it’s my rules. But I am giving you a way out. Those who aren’t confident can choose not to take it, and try again the next time the exams are held. So let’s begin. Those who do not wish to take it, raise your hand. Once your number is confirmed, leave.”

One of the male genin behind Tsuna wobbled up and raised his hand. “I … won’t take it! I’m sorry Gennai, Inoho…”

“Fail!” a spotter called out, then called out his teammates.

People started dropping out, unable to bear the idea that they could never advance past genin, which reduced the numbers nicely. Once it slowed down and no hands had been raised for a while, Morino said, “I’ll ask you again. Your career is riding on this decision. This is your last chance to walk.”

Tsuna found it interesting that the Suna and Oto teams had looked just as nervous about getting answers to the questions as the rookies had been, which meant they had no idea exactly what to expect. Kabuto, on the other hand, looked quite calm, which only added to Tsuna’s suspicion.

“…To everyone still remaining… I congratulate you on passing the first test!”

Tsuna zoned out the second he heard Sakura start questioning things again.

Then Half-Naked-Chick burst through one of the windows and landed, complete with a banner. She was wearing a mesh bodysuit that stopped mid-thigh, a micro-mini, and a trench coat. Whatever else she might be, shy was not one of them. “This is no time to be celebrating! I am the examiner for the second test! Mitarashi Anko! Now let’s go! Follow me!”


	4. λ25: 04: Konoha

## λ25  
04: Konoha

“All right, maggots!” Mitarashi bellowed like something out of a military flick. (Or like Colonnello, for that matter.) “Welcome to the stage for the second part of the Chūnin Selection Exam, Training Ground Forty-Four, otherwise known as the Forest of Death.” She had a particularly sadistic smile on her face and, as viewed through Tsuna’s window, it was getting to people.

“You’ll soon find out _why_ it’s called the Forest of Death,” she continued.

One of the Ame kids blustered and flaunted his bravado, which saw Mitarashi nail the kid with a kunai, slicing a delicate line across the kid’s cheek. “It’s kids like you who die quick,” she said with a cackle, then licked the dripping blood.

‘Are there not diseases in this world?’ he wondered.

An overly tall nin with waist-length dark hair scuttled up behind Mitarashi. She whipped her head around and glared. “Don’t sneak up behind me … unless you _want_ to die.

“No…” The voice was as androgynous as the appearance. “I just get excited when I see blood. Plus you cut my precious hair. I couldn’t help it…”

Tsuna wrinkled his nose when the nin let their absurdly long tongue dangle like a too-hot dog, then frowned sightly. Uh, guys? Can we get a window and tag on this one? he wrote as he tagged the nin himself with his Sky Flames and opened a window on them. Tracking charms went on each of his teammates.

Mitarashi chuckled. “Looks like we have a lot of bloodthirsty ones in this test. This should be fun. Now, before we start the second test, there’s something I have to pass out,” she said, holding up a sheaf of papers.

“You will each need to sign one of these forms, as there will be blood and death in this phase of the exam. If you refuse to sign, you and your team fail. I will explain the second test first, then you can sign. Afterward, each team will check in at that booth behind me. So, simply put, you will attempt the ultimate survival! The arena…”

Tagged and windowed. With a tongue like that we have to wonder if that’s Orochimaru. He is a snake summoner, after all.

Yeah. Trying to decide if he should be taken out now, or right when the invasion starts.

We’ve been discussing that and we suggest we wait until the invasion starts. If nothing else, it will force Konoha to wake the fuck up and smell the laxity. A quick look into his mind—at great personal risk, mind you, since he seems bugnuts—shows that he intends to mark the Uchiha with a cursed seal.

Tsuna winced. Hm?

The seal, known as the Cursed Seal of Heaven, will do several things. There are enzymes in it that will provoke an addiction, like getting high off certain drugs or testosterone, to make them want to keep using its power. It’s also designed to erode or corrupt the mind of the target. It contains some of Orochimaru’s chakra, which forms a link—in some ways it’s similar to a Horcrux, basically. It also allows the bearer to transform into a much stronger, more monstrous form. It has a survival rate of one in ten.

Riiiiight. Stealing the opposing scroll from that booth to go with whatever one we get is sounding better by the second.

Easily done, darling. But while getting to the tower quickly would potentially lessen the danger, there’s no saying Orochimaru wouldn’t decide to check there afterward and catch the Uchiha unaware when he thinks he’s safe. It would also make your teammate think so much more highly of himself, succeeding so quickly. That is, if he doesn’t decide he’d prefer to roam the forest looking for people to fight and defeat, or kill.

…My intuition says … fuck all. All right, I’m going to wing this, then. I did say I wasn’t going to do more for the Uchiha Clan than save the children from kicking it in the massacre, so… I guess it’ll be up to Sasuke if he uses that seal if he gets it. And if he does, he may well end up having a tragic accident.

Do you still want the paired scroll? You can always shift it to storage and ‘find’ it if you can’t get one while in the forest.

Eh, sure. While you’re at it, make up a dozen each as near perfect fakes and tag them so I’ll be able to tell. Scatter them around when it seems appropriate. I imagine a number of teams might end up quite surprised when they enter the tower and open theirs to realize they’ve been duped into failing themselves.

He was distracted when the booth behind Mitarashi dropped curtains over the front and one of the nin inside poked his head around the door at the short side. “It’s about time to exchange for the scrolls.”

One by one each team went up to the booth to hand over their trio of forms and receive a scroll, then hike off to one of the forty-four gates that surrounded the training ground. Considering the thing had a diameter of twenty kilometers, it took a certain amount of time for people to get positioned.

He was amused to note that Gaara’s gourd was still bear-shaped and he still had a fluffy teddy bear suspended from his belt.

When it was their turn to do the swap they received a Heaven Scroll, which Tsuna snatched before the other two had a chance. He stuffed it into his seal-extended pouch, but placed it in his storage. Sakura gave him a dirty look, but Sasuke just shrugged.

“You three will be at gate twelve,” one of the nin back there said. “Turn left when you exit and follow the edge until you get there. A chūnin will be waiting to mark you off and unlock the gate when it’s time.”

They jogged off and shortly thereafter came to their gate to wait. By then it was after six o’clock and night would be closing in within a few hours, which sucked. 

Scroll is acquired and waiting for you on the kitchen counter, darling.

He dropped his chin in a subtle nod, then looked at the sky when fireworks went off overhead. The gate nin used his key to remove the padlock and waved them in. Sasuke took off running; if he had a plan he wasn’t sharing it. Sakura rushed after him and Tsuna tagged along.

The average genin-chūnin could get to the tower at the center in about ten minutes if they weren’t completely useless (meaning, they could not, because—Sakura), but he had to assume Sasuke was just spoiling for a fight.

He got one a few minutes later when some random fellow from Ame tried something like Maito Gai’s dynamic entry to ambush them and promptly missed as Sasuke was able to dodge. Ame-Nin bounced around for a bit between various trees and flung a handful of knives, but Sasuke successfully dodged behind a tree branch.

A glance to the side showed Sakura torn between worry and breaking out into a cheerleading session.

A short flurry after saw Ame-Nin fleeing with a kunai in his gut and blood dripping from his arm.

Sasuke scanned the area, then said, “We should have a code phrase, in case we get separated for some reason. If any of us gets the code wrong, assume we’re an enemy, no matter what we look like. Listen carefully, because I’ll only say it once.”

Tsuna’s brow went up as Sasuke recited the words from a nin song. While he was doing that Tsuna was busy writing a note which read: And what’s wrong with just saying who got tied up during the bell test?

Sasuke scowled when he read it, but nodded. Sakura looked, nodded, and then they moved on. Tsuna took a moment to process how absurd it was for Sakura’s long pink hair to be flapping around, and his own bright blond waving, as they ran through the trees. Shortly thereafter a prodigious wind swept through and tumbled all three of them in different directions.

He heaved a sigh on hearing through his window, “You guys just play around over there. I’ll take care of them myself.”

A huge ass snake popped up and hissed at him. He was really kind of annoyed that he hadn’t gained snake-speak from Riddle’s Horcrux, but it was probably for the best if this thing was one of Orochimaru’s summons. If it wasn’t, it being there was one hell of a coincidence.

When the thing’s head dove at him he jumped straight up, using Earth Flames to boost him, then used his flames again to rip the thing to shreds by fucking with gravity all around it.

He hit the ground just in time to see Orochimaru deep throat an Earth Scroll. After a long bemused pause he grabbed the Earth Scroll from the kitchen counter and stored it, then headed in the direction his tracking charms were telling him to go.

When he got there—admittedly, he wasn’t hurrying or anything—Sasuke was panicking.

“If I had the scroll I’d give it to you!”

Tsuna blinked. ‘Okay, kid’s terrified. Even Sakura looks surprised by this.’ He got closer and shifted a couple of dozen explosive tags on top of Orochimaru and set them off. ‘Yeah, didn’t think that’d work.’

Orochimaru rose up like something out of a George Romero flick and he looked a wee bit annoyed. Tsuna, naturally, was _Edging_ , so Snake-Man was further pissed off at not being able to find the source of the attack.

Tsuna kept up his explosion attack from _Between_ until Sasuke finally stopped quaking in his ninja sandals and figured out where he’d left his backbone. He did some fancy shit with ninja wire, a windmill shuriken, and some kunai to trap Orochimaru, then breathed fire all over the guy.

Then, of course, because it was never that easy, Sasuke was frozen in place by killing intent about two seconds after Sakura jumped over to join him. Orochimaru’s face was peeling off—or possibly melting—and the Kusa symbol on his hitai-ate sloughed off to reveal one from Oto.

Is this going to be an issue? he wrote.

“I had fun testing your powers.”

Possibly, because he might body hop again. But since we’ve seen his mind and tagged him…

“You really are brothers.”

All right, so you can check his hideouts with windows, and he’ll be there at the finals.

“I sense power in your eyes that surpasses Itachi.”

Yep. Not to worry, darling.

“Who the hell are you!?” Sasuke demanded.

“My name is Orochimaru. If you want to see me again, then survive and pass this exam. Of course, you’ll have to defeat my men, the trio from Oto, on the way.” He made a seal with his hands.

“What the hell are you talking about!?” Sakura said. “We’d never want to see your face again!”

Orochimaru chuckled. “Oh, it won’t go that way…” A moment later his neck elongated like a snake and his head rushed forward to bite into the side of Sasuke’s neck, then his head retracted and everything went back to normal. “Sasuke-kun will seek me … to seek power…”

Sasuke groaned in agony and dropped to his knees.

“What did you do to Sasuke-kun!” Sakura screeched.

“I gave him a going away present,” Orochimaru said as he sank into the tree limb he was on.

‘Huh, you don’t see that shit everyday,’ he thought, then _Edged_ closer to his teammates. He waited until his tag on Orochimaru let him know the defect had genuinely left the area before he reemerged behind a tree. He waited again until Sakura looked around helplessly and started crying before he called out in a rough voice, “Sakura!?”

He hastily made sure he looked like hell.

“N-Naruto?” she called out tentatively.

“Sakura!” he called back and made like he was following her voice.

He heard Sasuke groan in agony again and Sakura gasp, then lifted his gaze up to spot them. A moment later he was up on the same branch. “Who was it? That day, during the test?”

“Huh? What? …Oh, me.”

He nodded. “What the hell happened here? I got attacked by a massive snake. Took me a while to get free of it.”

“Oh, Naruto, it was awful! That weird Orochi person bit Sasuke-kun on the neck and he just collapsed.”

“All right, we need to find a place we can hole up.” He looked around for any kind of cover and spotted a hole farther up the tree. “Hold on a second, let me go check that out real quick.” He scampered up the trunk and had a look. It was a good thing the trees in Konoha were so fucking huge, because the opening revealed a decent-sized spot.

He scampered back down and said, “That hole up there is big enough. Help me carry him up there. Once you two are inside I can use some nin-cloth to disguise the entrance.”

She nodded again and got up, then took hold of Sasuke’s feet. Tsuna grabbed the kid by the shoulders and started up, diverting to the side a bit once they got closer. “Take him in feet first. I’ll keep his upper body supported and slide him in, okay?”

Sakura carefully stepped into the hole and pulled Sasuke in after her, so he completed the job and propped the kid up against the wood inside. “Hang tight. I’m going to go get some of that moss down there to soften this place, then I’ll put up the cloth. Try not to make too much noise.”

He scampered off again and down to the forest floor to gather up some of the abundance of moss, trying to not make it obvious, then headed back up. The moss was tossed inside before he tacked up some nin-cloth and slipped inside, reaching back out to tack down the bottom so wind wouldn’t make it so obvious.

“Okay, so we’ve had shit luck so far,” he muttered, distributing the moss around. “We can’t risk fire in here, but we are high enough up that it’s unlikely we’ll be easily found. How is he?”

“Um… He’s got a fever and his breathing is erratic.”

He groaned quietly. “I really don’t like having to stay so close to where you were attacked. Uh, let’s give it an hour or two, see how he is then. He’s got a fever, so…” He pulled a scroll out and extracted a filled water bottle, then pulled a cloth from his pocket. “Use these to try to bring the heat down some.”

She accepted them gratefully and got to work.

“Did that Orochi guy say anything? Give any hints?”

“Um…” She paused in wetting the cloth. “He said, um, there’s three of his men? From Oto. They’ll be coming and we have to survive them?”

That was more or less what he remembered. “Okay, so we can’t afford to stay here long. Let me think…” While she went back to tending to Sasuke, he was sending out another window to find a better place.

He was helped by a huge purple arrow in the air, which he followed with his window. About half a kilometer to the northwest (relatively speaking) was a whole lot of vines hiding a cave. He marked it in his mind and left the window there just in case, then eyed the amount of light coming past the edge of the cloth.

Two hours later Sasuke still had a fever and groaned in pain every so often, but he bullied Sakura into helping to shift their teammate up against Tsuna’s back so he could carry the kid, then carefully shuffled out of the hideout, taking the cloth with him. “Let’s go. Anywhere is better than here.”

He “discovered” the cave a short time later and ducked inside, knowing that his family would have vetted the place before showing it to him. Sasuke got laid out on the floor just around the bend, where it was cool and surprisingly dry.

Sakura scampered in behind him and immediately set to making sure her beloved darling was comfortable.

“I’ll keep watch through the vines for now. Do you need more water? Ration bars?”

She checked the bottle he’d given her earlier and nodded. “Another would be good. I have plenty of rations.”

He pulled more water from the scroll and handed it over. “This cave bends enough that you can probably get away with a small light if you have one, or a very small fire. Just enough to see by. Anything more and it could be visible to the outside and give us away.”

She nodded, so he went to the vine curtain and took position. What she didn’t see was him setting up an anchored bounding box to keep everyone away, and then pulling a bento from storage along with some water for himself. As he ate he wrote: Thoughts?

That team is headed for the original site. In other news, several teams have already fallen for our ruse of fake scrolls. We planted them in scenes of body parts with the fake scrolls just visible under bushes and the like. Assuming they don’t cotton on to anything being off, that’s those guys out of the running.

And Sasuke when he wakes up?

Be prepared for us to knock him out if he wakes up too wonky. We don’t have details, because Orochimaru wasn’t interested and we didn’t dare dig too deep, but the kid could die, wake up relatively normal, or wake up enraged. Orochimaru has a vague notion that it has to do with whatever the target is thinking about when they wake, or were dreaming while knocked out. That he’s still alive after several hours is a good sign that he’ll live.

He snapped off a quick spell to check the time and saw it was getting quite late. He finished his meal and stepped back from the curtain and around the slight corner. “I can’t make you sleep, but it’d be a good idea, at least for a few hours while I stay on watch. Then I could sleep while you stay awake.”

She got a stubborn look on her face, then wilted. “I am really tired. I’m so worried, though. What if he wakes up and…”

“I’ll wake you, if him waking up doesn’t already do it.”

After several minutes of silence she nodded and settled herself down. Once she closed her eyes he checked back at the curtain in case she was peeking, then set up what was basically a chamber pot so he could relieve himself, then threw in fragrant wood chips to help with the smell and covered it.

An hour later he checked the kid’s temperature and breathing. He was still feverish, so he redid the soaked cloth Sakura had left on Sasuke’s forehead, but there was precious little he could do about the breathing issues aside from keeping the kid propped up a bit.

It was incredibly dark out there so everyone was probably hunkered down in some kind of cover and not likely to stumble over them. There could be some special ones who had excellent night vision, but even that generally depended on starlight or moonlight. There was a reason many animals had the type of pupils they did, like cats.

While he was waiting he hung a black-out cloth a few feet back from the vines as a light barrier and then pulled some small squares of wood from his storage that had seals on them for a dim light, and pushed a tiny amount of chakra into them. One was placed near the chamber pot and the other was placed near Sasuke. The final one was placed inside the black-out cloth.

When 3.30 rolled around he laid a hand on Sakura’s shoulder and shook her gently. “Sakura,” he whispered. It took several tries, but she eventually woke up with a start and looked around wildly. “Sakura,” he repeated, “it’s been several hours. It’s your turn to watch. I’ve continued to re-wet the cloth, okay? His breathing seems a bit better, but he’s still feverish.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“I hung a black-out cloth a couple feet back from the vines, but there’s a small light next to it. There’s also one by the chamber pot I set up, and of course, the one by Sasuke. It’s not much, but it’s enough to get around by. I’m going to get a little sleep. It should be daylight in a few hours.”

Once she nodded he moved a short distance away and laid down, using some spare clothing as a pillow. Sakura, of course, immediately honed in on Sasuke, which helped only in that she wasn’t looking his way and couldn’t see clearly to begin with. He formed a clone around his body, then stepped away to the stronghold under the tower.

“Sleep yourself out,” Sin said. “I’ll keep track of how many hours you’ll need to turn back so you can ‘wake up’ there at the appropriate time. Oh, and they have cameras in the forest. They didn’t catch you dealing with that snake, but you’ll want to be careful from now on for anything else they might get now that your team is back together.”

He nodded, did an air kiss because he was grimy and couldn’t afford to clean up, then dropped onto a cot.

He yawned and sat up, feeling much better.

Sin shot a smile his way and said, “You’ll want to turn back five hours. I left the side room there closed for you.”

He got up, stretched to work out the kinks from sleeping on a stretched piece of cloth, then did another air kiss before entering the side room. His time turner came out of storage and was put to use, then left in the side room for later retrieval. A quick step and he was laying down again so he could disperse his clone and pretend to wake up.

Sasuke was still out of it, which was both good and bad, but he seemed to be breathing far more normally. Sakura was absently munching on a ration bar as she gazed at the kid, so she had probably done fuck all in terms of checking the entrance.

He sat up slowly in an attempt not to startle her and rooted around for water to rinse off his hands, then a ration bar to eat. “Changes?” he whispered.

She told him what he already knew, but at least she made the effort.

He ate, had some water, and went off to check the vine curtain. It was about then that he realized he had been a complete tool and had forgotten to erase their tracks, which would explain the trio of idiots he could see. He crept back to Sakura and grimaced. “Bad news,” he whispered. “There’s a trio of Oto genin out there sniffing around. I think they found our traces. I’d be a lot more upset with myself than I am if it hadn’t been so damn dark that I couldn’t see well enough to erase them.”

Sakura got the, “Aaaah! I’m going to die and my dreamy Sasuke-kun isn’t awake to save me!” look on her face.

“Let me see what I can do to trick them off in another direction,” he said, then scampered to the vine curtain. He hauled a fuckton of explosive tags out of storage and started seeding them where the trio were about to walk, and watched as they exploded. He was exceptionally lucky (it had nothing to do with his Earth Flames, no, sir) that all three of the Oto nin had their legs blown off and one of them lost an arm.

There was a startled cry behind him that he thought nothing of—at least, until Sasuke, covered in a weird pattern of ink all over one side of his body, stalked past him and through the vines, then beelined for the three gravely injured foes.

“Sure, okay,” he said, “that happened.”

Sasuke made short work of the three who were already on the verge of death, then looked sulky because there were no more enemies to savage.

Tsuna flung out a wire with a blob of sticky chakra on the end and snagged the Earth Scroll the Oto group had been carrying and yanked it back to him. He checked it to make sure it wasn’t marked as a fake, and as he tucked it away Sakura came up beside him and gasped.

Sasuke looked back at them, a murderous gleam in his eye, and started stalking their way. Sakura darted out of cover and beamed at the object of her obsession, which had the startling effect of making the kid stutter through a few steps and stop. The markings slowly receded from his skin and he went back to normal.

‘Huh, guess she’s good for something after all,’ he thought as he emerged. “We have both scrolls now. We can head for the tower.”

Sakura beamed at Sasuke again. “Yes!” she said. “And get cleaned up, and a decent meal, and…”

Sasuke shot a look at him and jerked his head, a clear enough agreement to get moving.

Tsuna paused long enough to surreptitiously grab his anchor, then checked the position of the sun so he could orient. The huge purple arrow only he could see was a big help, too.

The tower had quite a number of sets of doors at the bottom, which was odd, but they were numbered the same as the gates. After forcing the other two to pause so they could check that no one had trapped the area first, then scampered over to the tiled area at the base of the tower and headed through the doors.

Inside was a roughly square room with a large placard on the wall facing the door. Overhead and to each side were walkways leading deeper into the building.

“Hey, look at that,” Sakura said, pointing at the placard. “This is probably about the scrolls. I think they’re telling us to open them here.”

When Sasuke failed to object, Tsuna got both out of storage and handed one to Sakura. “At the same time?”

She nodded and prepared, then opened hers when he did his.

“Let go of them!” Sasuke said. “It’s a summoning of some kind!”

Both scrolls hit the ground and from them came a haze of smoke. Iruka stepped out and said, “At the end of the second test it’s set up so we chūnin meet up with the candidates. I was the one allowed to greet you. Since you arrived with both scrolls well within the time limit, you three pass the second stage. Congratulations!”

Sakura chose that time to question the missing word on the wall, so Tsuna zoned out during the ensuing lecture, but paid attention when they were released to find open rooms within the tower to rest up and recover until the stage was over.

Tsuna promptly jumped to one of the walkways and headed in, trying to look like he had no idea where he was going. Sasuke pushed by him and took the lead, eventually locating rooms they could sleep in. Sasuke ducked into one and firmly shut the door, which left Sakura to dither for a moment before choosing the one right next to it.

Tsuna, already knowing that they were on their own from that point on and could take a room elsewhere, grabbed the other side, just in case the officials were paying attention to stuff of that nature. Inside he swept the room with his flames to seek out any form of spying, then started inking seals on the door to keep people out.

“Thank kami there’s an en suite,” he muttered, then headed in to clean up.

Shortly thereafter he laid down for a nap, formed a clone, and stepped _Between_ to the stronghold under the tower.

“It’s going to be a boring wait,” Daemon said, switching his gaze from the window they had open on his room to Tsuna himself.

“Yeah, but at least I’m not forced to hang around those two. I can only hope that feeling Sakura had of utter hopelessness will spur her on to actively bettering herself, but… When Sasuke stalked out to kill already dying and unconscious nin, that might have caused her to backslide.” He shrugged. “I don’t think I much care for this world, you know? Some of the skills we’ve picked up are incredibly useful, but there’s so much damn spying going on and so much suspicion. If I busted out half of what I know I’d probably get dragged to T&I. I can’t even use shadow clones openly.”

“You could have saved Sasuke from that cursed seal,” Ken said.

“Yep. Could have.”

“It’s pretty pathetic the way the village never bothered to give him any real help,” Ken continued. “It’s also pathetic the way the kid didn’t bother to think more about the other children, and less about what’s become a consuming hatred and need for vengeance.”

“It’s fucking tempting to get medically discharged from the force,” he said. “No one remembers I’m a container, so they can’t use that against me.”

Mukuro chuckled darkly. “And you could always gain their trust by winning them over with your cooking.”

“I couldn’t use Kaiten as a name, though,” he said jokingly. “The Hyūga would be all over our asses if we tried it.”

“Look on the bright side,” Xeul said. “You’re only contracted to serve five years before they’re forced to accept your retirement. If we can meddle well enough we could get you moved to replace Chuya, and then we can tinker with our sensei, send clones in to do the D-ranks, and have fun elsewhere.”

“And keep things to the point where C-ranks are more of a goal than a reality?” he said.

Daemon and Sin nodded. “We’ve yet to do one, and it’s been, what, six months since we graduated? Our sensei seems to have a different take on things, and I can’t say he’s wrong about it. The fact that Team 7 went on a C-rank so early is probably more a function of the Uchiha being on the team. Teams 8 and 10 because they have clan heirs on them.”

“Whereas I mostly demoted myself to a nobody, as very few people are even aware of this body’s parents, and Sakura really is a nobody.”

“Do you even want to fight in the finals?” Hayato asked.

He shook his head. “But getting here means those two can. Once this stage is over and they call for those who want to quit, I plan to. I did my part for the sake of the team, but that’s all I’ll do. I mean, I suppose I could have tried failing out of the academy, but I get the idea the old man would have found a way to keep me there. If you guys can successfully wrangle a team assignment change, I’m all for it. Then the three of us can be on the team we wanted to begin with and ride out the contract.”

“What I don’t get is why Orochimaru even bothered to show up, or have his minions in the exams, like Kabuto and his team,” Chikusa said. “It’s not like the Uchiha woke his sharingan.”

“Maybe he thinks that cursed seal will make it happen?” Ken said. “It’s creepy enough he wants the kid’s body for his own so he can learn every jutsu in the world.”

“He’s no Nicolas Flamel or Talbot, that’s for sure,” Hayato said.

“Besides, if I opt out, Hatake will be busy with Sasuke, so I can spend as much time as I want with my family, and on planning. I mean, think about it. We have no idea why we’re in this world other than that Uzumaki Naruto had some pivotal point in the ‘plot’. I’ve always suspected we’d be killed early if we went too far off in the ‘wrong’ direction. But we’re still here. I haven’t tripped over my own shadow and fallen into a convenient pit of poison-coated, sharpened stakes.”

His family started snickering and laughing.

“Whatever it is Naruto is ‘destined’ for isn’t necessarily dependent on him being a super ninja,” Sin said. “It’ll take time to uncover the other things we might want to interfere in.”

“All right, then we’ll get started on figuring out how to get you reassigned,” Daemon said, “and Chuya elsewhere.”

Tsuna zoned out through the Hokage’s explanation of what the Chūnin Selection Exam’s underlying meaning was—if he missed anything of value the others would catch it—and then through Gekko speaking, but zoned back in when he heard, “Um… So, anyway… Those who are not feeling well, those who feel like quitting after these explanations, please come forward now, since we’ll be starting the preliminaries immediately.”

“What!? Right now!?” Kiba said.

Tsuna stepped forward. “I’m out.”

Gekko coughed and consulted his clipboard. “You’re Uzumaki Naruto-kun of Konoha, right?”

Tsuna nodded.

“You may leave now.”

As he turned to exit the room he noticed that Kabuto looked frustrated and a red-haired girl looked surprised. Sakura touched his arm and asked, “Why?”

He gave her a long look. “I have no interest in being a chūnin. I only made it this far to give you two the opportunity.” He started walking again, seeing one of the proctors waiting by the door.

“Soon as we know who’s leaving…”

He nodded and opened a window on the room.

After a long pause in which Sakura tried to get Sasuke to bail because of that cursed seal and failed, Gekko said, “No one else? All right.”

The proctor at the door motioned to Tsuna and headed through the door, then pointed at another one. “There’s a waiting room over there. Once the prelims are done all of you will be escorted back to the village. No idea how long it’ll take, but there’s food and water there if you want any.”

He nodded again and entered the room, then took a seat so he would watch the prelims unbeknownst to any of them.

“Since we have exactly twenty entrants we will conduct ten matches. The winners of those matches will advance to the third stage. There are basically no rules. The fight continues until one of you admits defeat, is knocked out, or dies. So, um, if you don’t want to die, quickly admit your defeat. But, when I decide that a winner has been clearly established, the fight is over. I will jump in if necessary to avoid pointless deaths.

“Now, the object that will decide is this electronic scoreboard. It will randomly determine the people for each match.” Gekko paused so he could cough again. “This is sudden, but, let’s announce the names of the first two to fight.”

“All right. The two named please come to the front. The rest of you please move to the upper level.”

While everyone was making their way upward, Hatake had appeared and moved to speak with Sasuke, so Tsuna moved his window close enough to overhear.

“Sasuke… We need to take care of that thing.”

“…So you know.”

“If that curse on your neck becomes active, you might lose your life. And if it becomes active, I’ll step in and stop the match.”

Shortly thereafter everyone was in place. Hatake took a spot near Sakura, and while she looked pleased to see him as a familiar, adult face, she looked far more worried about the Uchiha.

“The two participants in the first fight are Uchiha Sasuke of Konoha and Uzumaki Karin of Kusa. Are you ready?”

Both nodded, though Karin looked a bit weird, almost like she was falling for the kid right there in front of her. It was decidedly strange, the look on her face. What followed after Gekko said, “Hajime!” was a somewhat one-sided battle. Karin seemed too distracted to properly fight, and Sasuke, though troubled by the cursed seal, was able to take her down with taijutsu.

“Winner by knockout, Uchiha Sasuke,” Gekko announced.

Two proctors scampered onto the field to take Karin away. She was seen to by a medic nin, then placed with the rest of her team in the stands.

The jonin sensei for Kusa appears to be Orochimaru wearing a new face.

A quick looked showed that jōnin to practically be salivating over Sasuke as he was escorted out of the arena by Hatake—or more like followed by him, as Hatake was trundling along behind the kid while reading his porn.

Hatake plans to get that cursed seal seen to. They plan to use the ‘evil sealing method’ to restrict it from acting on its own. Something like that.

The scoreboard (though why they were calling it that when it scored nothing) reset and showed new names.

Why the hell didn’t Hatake seal the thing during the wait, then? he wrote. He had several days. It took them that long to realize? Or it took Hatake “Always Late” Kakashi that long to get here?

“Will the two participants please come down so we can begin the second match.”

Tsuna only half paid attention, choosing instead to haul a book out and start reading. It was a damn shame he couldn’t have left immediately, because most of the fights held little interest for him. Reading up on the history of Kumo would have to do.

Shino won some time later. The Aburame Clan was downright creepy, using their bodies to host colonies of bugs. Tsuna felt the urge to start carrying bug spray with him wherever he went.

Hatake and Sasuke showed back up in time to watch the next match, between Kankurō of Suna and Misumi Tsurugi of Konoha.

Kankurō won, mostly because he had a puppet acting as his body to fake out his opponent with. Tsuna sincerely hoped the guy was more than a one-trick pony, though, as anyone coming out of the prelims would already be prepared for puppetry.

Haruno Sakura against Yamanaka Ino was interesting only in that Ino had more up her sleeve than just giving herself a dramatic haircut, and that Sakura could shake off Ino’s mind transfer Hiden. In the end, they knocked each other out and both failed to pass to the finals.

The whole thing was frankly embarrassing, because the two girls were fighting not for advancement, but over the Uchiha, which was a shit reason. Tsuna was almost sorry he had bothered to ensure his team made it to the tower with both scrolls.

Tenten was up against Four-Haystacks, Temari of Suna. It was a terrible match for Tenten, as while she was seriously good with weaponry, most of her tactics were useless against someone with a wind affinity and the knowledge to use it. Hopefully she would bounce back and work on that weakness, or be prodded into it by her jōnin sensei.

Nara Shikamaru fought Shigeri of Kusa and won, mostly by dint of his intelligence and tactics. A very boring match, all told. Sadly, Shikamaru, in terms of actual techniques, was something of a one-trick pony himself.

Yakushi Kabuto went up against Inuzuka Kiba and won handily, but considering Kabuto was one of Orochimaru’s lackeys that wasn’t a surprise. The next fight was just nasty, Hyūga Hinata against her emo cousin Neji. He tore her apart verbally and got her to forfeit without ever once attacking physically.

The match between Gaara of Sand and Lee Rock (and why was it that literally no one ever referred to the kid in the normal manner, and instead used Rock Lee?) was fast-paced (though somewhat absurd as Gaara’s gourd was still bear-shaped and he still had the teddy bear hanging from his belt).

Gaara could control sand, and physical attacks were more or less useless against it.

Glass his defense? he wrote.

Perhaps. It’s probably not the right kind of sand, but anything can melt if you get it hot enough.

Once Lee was allowed (by his sensei, Maito Gai) to remove his training weights he went from incredibly fast to blindingly fast.

The kid can’t use chakra techniques. His coils never developed.

Huh. I suppose that’s why he’s a clone of Maito. The dude’s a taijutsu master.

Lee was pushed to his limits trying to counteract Gaara’s sand and was carried off by the medics after opening some of his celestial gates (Tsuna couldn’t be bothered to even try to understand) and getting mangled by Gaara despite his inhuman strength. Maito stepped in when Gaara tried to kill the kid.

Well, at least the kid didn’t lose control and let loose the Ichibi.

Yeah, but it looked like he might. Lee went pretty damn far in showing Gaara that his sand is not an absolute defense.

And if he does during the invasion? It’s not like anyone can go into that kid’s head. He’s probably completely psychotic if he never sleeps. If Lee had managed to knock him unconscious…

Our first line of defense is Mist.

Yeah. My eye, or Xeul’s, perhaps in concert. Mukuro’s six paths. I’d say Adamantine Sealing Chains, but that would raise far too many questions.

Tsuna snorted. Yeah, like he wanted to explain how he had learned a clan Hiden when he would have had no reasonable chance of even learning it existed, never mind finding a scroll explaining the technique. Kushina probably learned while she still lived in Uzushio, or from Mito.

We’ll discuss it after I’m finally able to get back to the village. I can’t imagine Sakura and I would be made to do missions when Sasuke will be off getting trained.

The final match, between Saito of Kusa and Akimichi Chōji, went quickly. Chōji busted out the clan Hiden and nothing else, and Saito was clever enough to trick the kid into ramming into the walls repeatedly, rattling the kid’s brains. It was like watching a bull fight.

“Well, with this,” Gekko said, “the preliminary trials for advancement to stage three have been completed. To all of you who succeeded in your matches, congratulations.”

The Hokage ambled in and took up the instructions. “Now, as mentioned before, in the final stage your matches will be seen by everyone who attends. Each of you will fight to represent the strengths of your countries. I’d like you to show off all your powers with no reserves, which is why the finals will be held one month from now. This break, you can say, will be for preparations.”

“What does that mean?” Neji asked, only proving he was something of an idiot.

“In other words, in addition to informing all the various leaders of countries and villages, this is the time needed to arrange for the gathering of the event. This is also preparation time for those of you who’ll be fighting.”

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Kankurō complained. “What does that mean?”

“Basically, it’s preparation to get to know your enemy and yourself. It’s the time period where you calculate your chances of winning by analyzing the data you accumulated in the forest and during these preliminaries. The battles up until now had you fight as if you were in an actual combat situation, the assumption of fighting an unknown opponent.

“However, the final stage will not be so. There are those who’ve showed all that they can do already to their rivals. There are those who competed and were badly injured. To make everything fair, this month should be used by all of you to rest and recover, and to advance and improve yourselves.

“Now, much as I’d like to dismiss you all, there is one final thing to be done first. There are pieces of paper inside the box Anko is holding. You will each take one.”

“I’ll come to you, so wait your turn!” she said, then moved to the first of them. “Only one!”

“All right,” the Hokage said once Anko was done. “Starting from the left, you will each tell us the number on your paper.”

Morino was standing by with a clipboard and pen and wrote down the numbers to go with the names as they were called out.

“All right. Now I will reveal to you the final tournament. Ibiki?”

“Yes, Hokage-sama. Yakushi Kabuto will fight Hyūga Neji. Gaara will fight Uchiha Sasuke. Kankurō will fight Aburame Shino. Saito will fight Nara Shikamaru, and the winner of that fight will face Temari.”

“Well then, you’re free to start strategizing or resting as you like. Before I dismiss you all, are there any questions?”

Shino’s hand went up.

“Yes?”

“Since it’s a tournament, it would mean there’s only one winner. Does that mean only one person can become chūnin?”

“No, that’s not quite it. There will be judges, including myself, the leaders of both Kusagakure and Sunagakure, as they both have genin who have reached the final stage, along with Daimyos of various countries, and other ninja leaders. Throughout the tournament, these judges will be evaluating your abilities. Those judged to have the necessary qualities of a chūnin will be able to become chūnin, even if they lose their first match.

“As far as advancement goes, it is possible for none, some, or all of you to become chūnin. Those who advance higher in the tournament will have more chances to appeal to the judges. Well, then, thanks for all the effort you’ve exerted for these trials. You’re all dismissed until a month from now.”

‘Finally,’ he thought. Thirty seconds later one of the proctors came into the waiting room and beckoned to him, and he joined the procession of people back to the village.

On the way Hatake decided to say, before disappearing, “You two will have the month off. Try not to get into too much trouble.”

Tsuna snorted softly.

“How about we run some tests while _Between_ to even see if our techniques will work on Gaara?” Daemon asked after Tsuna retrieved his time turner and stowed it.

He nodded. “Better to know now. You guys can be ridiculously subtle. Aside from what we already talked about, I’m curious to know how easily the kid can be caught by genjutsu and, more importantly, Mist illusions. If he goes bugnuts it’d be nice to know we could lead him away from the village without him even being aware of it. All else failing, we shift the fucker elsewhere, like back to Suna.”

“On a side note, Saito turned up ‘mysteriously’ dead,” Mukuro said, “I imagine so that Orochimaru can continue with his original plan to kill the Kazekage and take his place, and not have to worry about an additional Kage being present.”

“What do we do if the invasion wipes out the village?” Ken asked.

Tsuna shrugged. “Then we three genin are found amongst the dead and the Kuro clan says, ‘Fuck this,’ and ups stakes. We bail and do our spying from elsewhere to figure out what the big deal is about us being here. Or hell, since the compound is basically secured with ‘Keep the Fuck Away’ protection, it’ll probably be fine and we can spy from there.”

“Assuming it doesn’t get blown away by incidental damage caused by flashy nin tossing around high level jutsu,” Hayato said.

Ken stared. “We control gravity,” he said slowly.

“Well, uh, yeah, there is that,” Hayato mumbled.

“I’m really hoping that Kabuto fucks Neji up,” he said, mostly the change the subject.

“I’d hope we’d get lucky and they both off each other, but that’s just not going to happen,” Sin said. “Kabuto will take a dive so he can be in place to set off the invasion.”

“Okay, so, how are we playing this? Who wants who? We’ve got Kabuto and Orochimaru to remove from the gene pool, and potentially Orochimaru’s other minions, like the ones who’ll be trapping the Hokage so Snake-Man can off him.”

“Did I forget to mention that Orochimaru plans to resurrect the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages?”

“Well, that’s lovely,” Chikusa said. “I plan to tranquilize the fuck out of enemy nin so Konoha forces can more easily defeat or kill them.”

“Using that technique on the Scroll of Seals?” Sin said.

Xeul nodded.

“So there’s a few seconds in there of breathing room, before Orochimaru would have to use a control device on them.”

“I say we shift the controls away and the bodies away, and Hayato could disintegrate them.”

“Or one of us could atomize them with gravity. I can’t tell if Orochimaru wants them there just to make Sarutobi upset, or because he honestly thinks he’d need their help.”

“You would think that with a kinjutsu like that on the Scroll of Seals, people like the first two Hokages would have insisted their bodies be cremated. I mean, fuck, people in the magical world should be all for that shit, too,” Hayato said. “Does anyone really want their body to be used as an inferius?”

“Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Konohagakure no Sato Chūnin Selection Exam. We will now start the main tournament matches between the eight participants who made it through the preliminaries. Please stay and watch until the end,” the Hokage said, then took his seat.

The stadium was massive and the walls were at least several storeys high, and inside were several mature trees. Atop that, on the “wall” opposite the main entrance, were viewing stands, with an additional level on the center one, for the Hokage and any other village leaders.

Tsuna and his family were well supplied with drinks and snacks as they rested comfortably on sofas and watched one large window up against the wall, with six smaller ones, three on each side.

Shiranui Genma, a replacement for the deceased Gekko Hayate, informed the participants of the slight change in fights due to the mysterious death of Saito of Kusa. Nothing was said about the fact that Sasuke was not amongst their number until Shikamaru brought it up.

One of the windows on the left side showed that Hatake was _still_ coaching the kid, which seemed rather foolish. Why expend so much energy and chakra when his match was second in the line-up?

“If he doesn’t appear by the time of his match, he will receive a default loss,” Shiranui said. “All right, guys, this is the final test. The arena is different, but the rules are the same as the prelims. There are none. You fight until one of you dies or admits defeat. As in the prelims, if I determine the fight is over, I’ll step in and stop things, got it? Now, first fight is Yakushi Kabuto and Hyūga Neji. Those two stay here, while the rest of you go to the waiting area.”

Kabuto took a dive, though he at least made it look like he wasn’t taking a dive, but rather that he was simply outmatched by Neji. All that dodging and running around just exhausted him. Sadly, all that did was make the Hyūga even more assured of his own superiority.

Kabuto was hauled off by medics to be seen to, though one of the side windows showed that the second he was left alone he created a clone to take his place and took off. He hunted down a member of ANBU, killed him, and stole his mask. He returned to the stadium so he would be ready for his part.

“By the way,” Orochimaru-disguised-as-the-Kazekage said, “where is he?”

A Konoha nin who had just flickered in bent down to whisper to the Hokage. “We still can’t find the Uchiha, and we still have that other matter to deal with, so before everyone starts to make a big fuss, perhaps we should disqualify him.”

There was a pause of several minutes as Sarutobi considered, then he said, “We have no choice. Uchiha Sasuke is disqualified.”

“Hokage-dono,” Orochimaru said smoothly. “Please wait a little longer before making a decision.”

“I beg your pardon,” said Konoha-Nin, “but anyone who takes punctuality lightly doesn’t have what it takes to be a good chūnin, no matter how skilled they are. Unless there’s a good enough reason to convince the lords and shinobi leaders to wait, then we should go on without him.”

“I see,” Orochimaru said. “If that’s the case, then there is a more than satisfactory reason. The majority of the shinobi leaders and lords, myself included, are here mainly because we wanted to see the next match. He is, after all, a member of the Uchiha Clan, and we, Suna, would also request that our Gaara be given the opportunity to fight him.”

“…Uchiha Sasuke is disqualified,” the Hokage said firmly, “but I will allow the fight to take place, as the final match of the round, assuming he shows up in time. Gaara will advance either way. That is final. Inform the examiner, and caution him to avoid mentioning the disqualification.”

“Yes, Hokage-sama,” Konoha-Nin said, then flickered away.

“It seems odd that you would push so much for this, Kazekage-dono.”

“Not at all. There’s no better opponent than the Uchiha to show off the quality of our village’s shinobi to these clients. It’s a great opportunity for us.”

“A contestant for the next match has yet to arrive,” Shiranui belted out to the crowd. “Therefore, we will push this match back and begin the next one! Next up, Kankurō and Aburame Shino!”

“…I forfeit!” Kankurō yelled.

Shiranui paused, seemingly having trouble processing that, then belted out, “Temari and Nara Shikamaru!”

Temari rode her huge war fan down to the arena ground, while Shikamaru was pushed over the railing and fell to the ground. He just laid there unhappily.

“What, are you going to give up, too?” Temari asked. “If you won’t come, then I will!”

The girl took off running at him as Shiranui yelled, “Hey! I didn’t start the match!”

She used her closed fan as a blunt instrument only to hit ground. Shikamaru could apparently be quite speedy when he chose.

“You know, I don’t really want to fight, and I don’t care whether I become chūnin or not, but I’m not going to lose to a girl!”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Sexism again? I mean, okay, way too many girls are freakin’ fangirls, but really. Is he a misogynist or just trying to wind her up?”

There was a whole lot of running around on Shikamaru’s part, darting from place to place to gain a new position or to avoid Temari’s wind attacks, but also to make time pass so that the angle of the sun would improve his reach with his clan Hiden. Of course, being who he was, he forfeited after he had Temari trapped with his shadow technique, claiming he only had enough chakra to hold her for another ten seconds.

“So, this demonstrates that he’s brilliant, lazy as fuck, and didn’t bother to make sure he could force her to threaten her own life once he had her.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ken said, “and in a real damn fight he’d be dead.”

“Winner, Temari!” Shiranui announced.

The crowd began to get restless again because the Uchiha had yet to arrive, but then came a whirlwind of leaves, and from it emerged Hatake and Sasuke.

“Sorry we’re late,” Hatake said.

“Your name?” Shiranui asked, which made Samsara chortle over the dig.

Sasuke scowled. “Uchiha Sasuke.”

“Well, we showed up all flashy and the like, but could Sasuke have been … disqualified?” Hatake said.

“The fight between the Uchiha and Gaara was pushed to last for this round,” Shiranui replied, neglecting to mention the actual disqualification as ordered.

Hatake laughed. “Good, that’s good.”

“Gaara, you’re up! Get down here!”

Hatake flickered off and found a spot near the other jōnin sensei.

The match began and Sasuke started attacking with a taijutsu style that wasn’t quite the usual. He was a lot faster than before, which meant Hatake had to have weighted him down and pushed him until he dropped, repeatedly. Sasuke did manage to make Gaara retreat into a sand cocoon, then he planted himself on the far wall and prepared a new attack.

“Aw, shit, the kid managed to awaken his sharingan,” Ken said. “That might explain why his taijutsu was not quite right.”

Sasuke built up a fair amount of chakra around his left hand. His right hand braced the other one. Then he took off running, down the wall, a hop to the ground, then forward at blinding speed. He hit that cocoon and pierced it.

“… … Blood! My blood!”

Sasuke jumped back and stared as an arm formed from sand emerged from the cocoon, but it soon enough disappeared and the cocoon started to crack. It lost cohesion and turned back to fluid sand, revealing Gaara, who had been pierced through at his shoulder.

“Okay, alert time,” he said. “He’s gonna blow.” He called over the window he had prepared earlier, the one showing the Suna desert, and waited.

Daemon had a window on Kabuto, Hayato had a window on Orochimaru, Chikusa had several open to various points, and Sin slipped into _Between_ to get to his position.

Kabuto made several handsigns and bowed his head. Moments later feathers started falling all over the stadium. Daemon immediately zoomed in on Kabuto’s face, shifted the mask away, and used his eye. Kabuto went blank, and a moment later was shifted away.

Ken stepped out briefly—to obliviate the living fuck out of the guy—then forced Draught of Living Death down the young man’s throat and got him to swallow. Kabuto was then tossed into an extended trunk and stored until they had a free moment.

Orochimaru managed to grab Sarutobi and jump them both up to the roof of the viewing box, and a second later four Oto nin jumped up as well, spread apart in a rectangle on the roof ridges, and between them caused a purple barrier to spring up.

A pursuing Konoha nin bashed into the barrier and disintegrated.

Before Temari, Kankurō, and their jōnin sensei managed to get to Gaara, Tsuna had shifted the boy to the desert, which made them screech to a stop in confusion.

“Abort plan!” the sensei said. “You two, flee! I’ll join the fight!”

“Fuck me, he’s started with Edo Tensei,” Hayato said.

One, two, three coffins rose up, but something seemed to be wrong with the third one. The first two opened to reveal the previous Hokages.

“The fuck? They’re already talking about how they have to fight against Sarutobi?” Hayato scowled and set to work, using his Storm Flames to disintegrate the two of them before anything nasty could happen.

“No!” Orochimaru screamed.

For good measure, Hayato disintegrated all three coffins.

Chikusa was busy tranquilizing three enormous snakes—or was it a three-headed snake?—over at the village wall so that it struggled to fight back against the Konoha nin attacking it.

Sin chose that moment to strike, taking out all four of the Oto nin holding the barrier so that ANBU could get to the Hokage and assist in the fight—which had been slightly delayed due to Orochimaru chucking a wobbly and screaming incoherently.

Tsuna moved on to taking out Yoroi and Tsurugi, then switched his attention to the overall fighting.

Sin decided to be a troll and shot Orochimaru in the arms and legs from his place _Between_ , then stepped back to Samsara. “I wonder if basilisk venom would kill that fucker,” he mused.

Tsuna shrugged. “You up for one more, Hayato?”

“You got it, Heul!” Hayato said enthusiastically, then disintegrated Orochimaru.

The Hokage and his ANBU came down with a strong case of confused, but quickly recovered and went off to deal with the rest of the invaders.

“Think those curse marks can resurrect the defect?” Chikusa said, not taking his eyes off the battle at the wall breach.

“If they’re anything like a Horcrux? Yeah.”

“What the fuck are all those jōnin doing just standing there in the viewing boxes? They’re not asleep, they’re just—nothing. There’s not even any fighting near them.” 

“What happened to Sasuke, by the way?”

“Amusingly, he pouted before running off to join the fighting. He went after Temari and Kankurō.”

“So we should have seen a flying Uchiha? Or will shortly?”

Tsuna glanced at his desert window and saw that Gaara had gotten himself under control. He was making a cadre of sand bears to hold an oddly-ornate palanquin so he could ride in style back to Suna, whatever direction that was in.

Sin stepped out again so he could let loose with his amazingly excellent and accurate sniping skills. Tsuna could see Oto nin dropping like flies as his lover punched through their brains with explosive rounds or flash fried them with Chaos Shot.

Mukuro sent a legion of wolves into the mix, focused on Suna nin. “I’d have used my preferred snakes,” he said, “but we know that wouldn’t go over well. People might think Mitarashi was involved, but I’d rather not risk Konoha nin going after the wrong targets.”

It took quite some time, but the fighting died down, the enemy nin either captured, dead, or fled, and Konoha began to clean up the mess.

“Hang on!” Chikusa called. “There, up on the wall!”

“What the fuck, man?” Hayato said. “Those cloaks are freakin’ weird.”

The two figures had on sugegasa and long black cloaks with stylized red clouds on them.

“Tagged them,” Xeul said and Daemon said as one, as the window zoomed in close.

“We don’t need to destroy what’s already suffered a lot of damage,” the taller one said. “What do you think?”

“The village is at the end of its prosperity,” the shorter said. “We shouldn’t feel sorry for it.”

Chikusa angled the window so they could get a better look at the faces.

“Is that Uchiha Itachi?” Tsuna said.

Sure enough, the sharingan-wielder had a slashed Konoha hitai-ate. The other had a slashed Kiri hitai-ate.

“Gaara’s no longer here,” Shark-Face said. “Actually, you still miss your village, don’t you…”

“No, not at all,” Itachi replied.

“Got it!” Daemon practically sang. “They’re part of a group called Akatsuki.”


	5. λ25: 05: Konoha

## λ25  
05: Konoha

“Akatsuki in its current incarnation is rather different from its inception, which was an organization to bring about world peace nonviolently,” Daemon said over dinner. “It’s current goals are four-fold. Hand-in-hand are gathering funds and providing cut-rate, superior services to the various villages in order to make those villages increasingly more likely to rely or depend on them.

“In addition to that, they wish to capture the tailed beasts to be deployed at will to start and end minor wars to hasten the process of everyone coming to rely on Akatsuki, and drive the villages out of business. Once that happened they would have little resistance when they conquered the world.”

“And the disappearance of the Kyūbi?” he asked.

“Vexing, to put it mildly,” Daemon replied. “As members we have Pein, Konan, Kakuzu, Kisame, Hidan, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara, with unofficial members of Tobi and Zetsu. We’d have to find this Pein fellow, or possibly Konan, to uncover the real motivations behind the group, I expect. Either way, from what I got out of Itachi’s mind, until they can figure out where the Kyūbi went, their plans to capture the others have been put on hold.

“They’re mostly nuke-nin. We’d really need to track down Pein or Konan, since they’re the heart of it. Itachi’s mind says their primary base is in Ame. Also of note is that this Pein fellow has a dōjutsu, the Rinnegan.”

Brows rose all around. “Samsara eye?”

“I know what I’m getting Heul for his birthday,” Sin said gaily.

“I wonder if they’d transfer,” Chikusa said. “I mean, the twins have what amounts to a dōjutsu, as does Mukuro. If Heul acquired the Rinnegan…”

Tsuna huffed. “If I acquire the Rinnegan, you can be damn sure I’d be using illusion, runes, or seals to hide that fact. I’m still a bit wibbly over the idea of an eye transplant, but I know these people do it as a matter of course. Either way, we have to track the fucker down first.”

“Then let’s get to it.”

Konoha was in mourning for its lost sons and daughters, and the smell of burnt flesh lingered in the air from many of the attacks. It was not called Fire Country for nothing. Most of its inhabitants had a fire affinity, so Konoha’s collection of fire-based techniques was second to none. Tsuna had no doubt it’d be even worse if T&I used outdoor incineration pits for the bodies of the enemy dead.

The clone he had left at the shithole flat he still pretended to live in had not been bothered, but Tsuna still went to the mass funeral ceremony, if only to be polite. Hatake sidled up to him at one point and said, “We won’t be doing any missions until Monday at the earliest. I’ll let you know more later, once I know better.”

He nodded and turned his focus back to the proceedings.

Once he got to the Kuro compound he was informed that Jiraiya was in town. “The man who is supposedly Naruto’s godfather?”

“Yeah,” Mukuro said. “Found him using a telescope to peek in on the women and girls at the hot springs baths.”

“That is disgusting,” he said sourly.

“It is, but it gave us a chance to shuffle through his head,” Xeul said. “He was the one who originally taught Konan and two fellow orphan friends of hers, Nagato and Yahiko, about ninjutsu. Jiraiya seemed to think that because Nagato had the Rinnegan he must be the reincarnation of Hagoromo, the Sage of the Six Paths.”

“So Nagato is Pein?” Chikusa asked.

“Considering how damn rare the Rinnegan is, I’m thinking so. Either way, we lifted a number of techniques out of his head and will add them to the collection. The Sage techniques we’ll have to just file, though, as without sage training they’re useless. I did find out that Nagato is Uzumaki Nagato, so like Heul’s body, he’s a descendant of Hagoromo, so both are related to the Senju, Uchiha, and Uzumaki Clans.”

Sin tilted his head questioningly. “Does that mean Heul could develop the Rinnegan naturally?”

“Possibly, yes. It is a bloodline thing. It’d be far quicker to just acquire Nagato’s eyes, though.”

“So we poke around Ame some more,” Daemon said. “If this Akatsuki organization intends to capture the jinchūriki and use them as Itachi thinks they will, that alone is reason enough to wipe out these people as defects.”

“On a side note,” Xeul said, “Itachi and Kisame seem to be in Konoha, having tea. They’re looking for two things. One being the state of Sasuke, and the other any clues at all about the Kyūbi. They know it’s been here all this time, so they think Konoha must have some clue where it is now—who has it contained. Hatake is leaning against the wall just outside of the place, seemingly unconcerned. Hilariously, both Itachi and Kisame are wearing their Akatsuki cloaks.”

Xeul revealed a window in time for them to see Hatake take note of Sarutobi Asuma and Yūhi Kurenai walking down the street toward him.

“Hey, you two. You guys look good together. Are you guys on a date?”

“Idiot!” Yūhi said sharply. “Anko asked me to pick up some sweets for her.”

“What about you?” Sarutobi asked. “What are you doing here? Are you picking up some sweets, too?”

Hatake eye-smiled and tilted his head. “Not really… Sometimes I stop by to buy some stuff. Right now I’m meeting up with someone. I’m waiting for Sasuke.”

The two Akatsuki did not twitch or otherwise give away their interest, and yet they did.

“Are there that few Konoha nin who have any clue about the Akatsuki, then?” he asked. “You’d think more people would find those two wandering around to be a curious sight.”

“It’s very rare to see you waiting for someone,” Sarutobi said as Sasuke came into view from behind them.

The kid walked past the totally-not-a couple and said warily, “It’s very different of you to arrive first.”

“Well… For some occasions…”

Sasuke glanced into the tiny eatery and saw it was empty. The two nuke-nin had vanished between one moment and the next, leaving behind their drinks and a small dish still filled with sweets. “I was planning on buying some sweets, but it’s useless now.”

“Yeah, it is,” Hatake said … for some reason.

“I feel like they’re speaking in code,” Ken muttered.

“Sasuke doesn’t even like sweets,” he said.

Another heartbeat passed and all three adults suddenly looked up (or up and back), then Sarutobi and Yūhi jumped up on top of the nearby building and dashed away. Kakashi followed them a second later, leaving Sasuke in wary confusion.

Shortly thereafter the three were at the river, facing down Itachi and Kisame.

“You know, there’s something seriously wrong when those three end up standing on the surface of a river while facing a known user of water techniques,” Chikusa said.

“And for a genjutsu specialist to try to pull a fast one on a sharingan holder?” Hayato said. “That chick might be hot shit with her illusion techniques, but she’s pretty fucking dumb, too.”

Right around the time Hatake said too much and Itachi ordered Kisame to kill him, Maito Gai showed up to be helpful. After hearing that Maito had called for reinforcements, the two Akatsuki left.

“So, all right, we had intruders in Konoha, but they just let them go,” he said. “Sure. You know what, I’m going to go get more groceries for that shithole, to keep up appearances. I’ll be back in a little while, guys.”

“Try not to trip over any shadows, tesoro.”

“Bite me, schatz.”

After stepping over to said shithole and replacing his clone, Tsuna exited the flat and headed down to the ground level, then out so he could do some shopping. Merchants still liked to overcharge him and try to sell him defective goods, but not with the same vehemence as when they were aware he was the Kyūbi container.

He was waylaid by Jiraiya as he was walking past Ramen Ichiraku, who informed him he was going to accompany the pervert on a mission.

“Why?” he asked.

“It’s a mission! We’re supposed to find a certain girl. It’s also a ‘special’ trip. We’ll stop by the red-light district in Hima. You’ll learn much more than what Kakashi-sensei has taught you.”

‘Considering all he taught so far was tree walking, and even then it was only a short demonstration and no actual teaching…’

“Why me specifically?” he tried again.

“Because I said so! And this woman, she’s hot! She wants to meet you.”

I think … this is a trip to go find Tsunade. I just saw the Hokage’s two advisors talking about it. They wanted Jiraiya as the Godaime Hokage as Sarutobi is doing poorly after the invasion, but Jiraiya said hell no and suggested Tsunade instead.

I’m not getting out of this, am I.

Probably not, darling.

“I very much doubt that,” he said. “How long is this trip supposed to take?”

Jiraiya shrugged. “Not sure. I’ll meet you at the main gate in an hour.”

“Fine. Whatever,” he said. “I’ll go pack.” He headed off again, disdaining the shopping he had originally meant to do, and stepped back to the Kuro compound as soon as it was safe to do so. He had a lot of bentos to make in not much time.

“You know, I could let you sign the Toad Contract,” Jiraiya said as they strolled along a road heading roughly west.

Tsuna wrinkled his nose. “No thank you. I’m not fond of toads.”

“What are you talking about!? Toads are awesome! It’s been said that I’m the Toad Sannin. And that’s not all. In the north, south, east, and west, the legendary three ninja’s white-haired toad-summoning child! The handsome man that can silence a crying child! He’s Jiraiya-sama! That’s me!”

He shook his head, utterly unimpressed. “I’d be more inclined to sign a contract for hawks or ferrets. Maybe cats.”

Jiraiya wilted and went into a sulk. To up the theatrical nature of his sulk, a small cloud formed over the man’s head and wet on him.

Some time later they hit a decent-sized town and Jiraiya said, “We’re staying here,” as he eyed up one of the ladies nearby.

That she was clearly a streetwalker had nothing to do with the man’s interest, surely. Jiraiya led him into a hotel and arranged for a room, then tossed Tsuna the key. “Head on up and work on refining your chakra control.”

He heaved a sigh and checked the room number, then headed up to do some reading and have one of his bentos.

Side note: Sasuke learned, after seeing Hatake down for the count, that Itachi had been in town. He went nutso and ran off looking for clues. He’s determined to track his brother down and do him in.

Tsuna rolled his eyes and took a bite of his onigiri.

For some reason he’s convinced Itachi is after you.

Maybe this has something to do with the natural course of things in this world? Sort of like how you ended up on the wrong team?

Tsuna considered that and ultimately shrugged. Jiraiya is probably Itachi’s contact. He is Konoha’s spymaster, right?

Yes. Don’t be too surprised if Sasuke shows up.

He sighed and continued reading until a knock came at the door. His brow went up as he set his book down and went to answer it, ready to slip _Between_ at a moment’s notice. The first thing he saw when he cracked the door was a set of sharingan. The second thing he saw was Shark-Face, which made no damn sense.

A second later Itachi looked back over his shoulder, which made Tsuna take a look down the hallway. Sasuke was there, looking murderous.

“Uchiha Itachi… I will kill you!” Sasuke built up a chidori around his left hand. “I have lived for this!” For some reason, as he ran down the hall, Sasuke decided to rake that chidori against the wall, causing untold property damage and slowing his momentum, rather than bracing with his right hand and aiming straight for his brother.

Itachi moved slightly to dodge, then reached out to snap his brother’s wrist like a twig.

And then Jiraiya popped up on a huge toad. “You don’t seem to know very much about me. I’m better at getting girls than they are trying to get me. Even though it doesn’t look like it, it’s my specialty. I, Jiraiya, this epitome of manliness! I will fall for no woman’s feminine wiles! When you’re someone like me, you only have to flash that sexiness to have women fall at your feet!”

“I distinctly recall her winking at you and you slobbering like an overheated dog,” Tsuna said flatly. “I think I’ll start calling you Ero-Sennin.”

Jiraiya frowned. “Hey! Don’t call me that!”

“This guy is mine,” Sasuke said.

“I have absolutely no interest in you right now,” Itachi said dismissively, then kicked his brother into a wall.

“This fight is mine!”

Itachi strolled down the hallway.

“Come on!”

Itachi picked Sasuke up by the front of his shirt, slammed him into the wall, then apparently used Tsukiyomi on him.

Jiraiya did some freaky shit with a toad technique and Tsuna was surprised to find pink organic matter coating the hallway on all fronts.

“Why are you so weak?” Itachi said quietly. “Still not enough hatefulness.”

“Too bad, Itachi, Kisame,” Jiraiya said. “You are already inside the esophagus of the giant toad from Myōboku Mountain. I hope you enjoy being food to Iwagama!”

Itachi dumped his brother and said, “Kisame, come!” He whipped out another of his sharingan tricks, a black fire, and the two of them escaped.

‘I’m going to assume Jiraiya wasn’t trying very hard so that Itachi could safely retreat,’ he thought.

All of a second after Pervert-Sage dropped his technique Tsuna stepped back in response to his intuition and heard, “Dynamic entry!” Maito Gai crashed onto the scene with all the subtlety of Liberace performing on stage.

That Maito’s entry managed to nail Jiraiya in the face was everything Tsuna needed to make the trip worthwhile.

“Oh… Sorry. I was in a rush and using my hitai-ate as a mirror. It didn’t give me a clear enough picture and so I … hit you in the face by accident.”

Jiraiya slowly got up and nodded. “Well, that’s all right, then. Anyway, the Uchiha needs to get to the hospital. He seems to have some fractured or broken bones, and suffered a mental attack.”

Maito grabbed Sasuke, who was zoned out hard, and dashed off.

“So aside from being tricked by a sex worker, did you accomplish anything of value?” he asked dryly.

The next day they were on the road again, headed for a place called Tanzaku Gai.

“Are you actually going to teach me anything on this trip—anything that has nothing whatsoever to do with your perversions, I mean?” he asked.

“You bet! But we have to gather information on Tsunade-hime first.”

He sighed. “I see. So you have no intention of teaching me anything. You just wanted someone along to boast to.”

“I did not! I’ll prove it to you!” Jiraiya got out a storage scroll and extracted a bag from it. The bag brimmed with filled balloons. He grabbed one and held it up, then did … something. “If you pay attention, you’ll notice that I’m moving the water around inside with my chakra. Your goal is to do the same, and to make the balloon burst,” he said as the thing deformed in multiple directions, then shattered. Water went everywhere.

Tsuna hooked the bag over his arm, took a balloon, and stared at it. The one Jiraiya had held and worked on was not … smooth. It rather reminded him of a gyroscope and how it had bands spinning in various directions. Except for the part where they spun in a non-orbital way.

‘So… I use chakra to make the water move in multiple directions at once? Good thing I’m a Mist and have a very good imagination, and a fuckton of resolve and willpower.’

He spent a few minutes getting it straight in his mind, what he was trying to accomplish, then sent his chakra into the balloon and set the water in motion. Thirty seconds later the balloon burst. “All right, that’s done. What’s next? I assume this is leading up to something.”

When Jiraiya failed to answer he looked over to see another cloud wetting on the man, who was back to sulking. It took several minutes for the man to bounce back, but when he did he took a rubber ball from his pocket and handed it over. “Now do the same with this. It’s going be a thousand times harder, because there’s no water inside to help you feel how the chakra moves, and the skin is much thicker.”

Tsuna handed the bag of balloons over and concentrated on the ball instead. He could cheat and use Earth Flames, but that wouldn’t help him master whatever technique (Rasengan, he assumed) it was. He had spent fucking forever on chakra control exercises, so this should simply be more of the same, with an end result of literally holding a ball of chakra in his hand that spun on the surface in multiple directions.

As before he took a few minutes to get the image down in his head, then channeled chakra to the interior of the rubber ball and started spinning it on multiple axes, taking care to try to expand it beyond the outer perimeter. He had to channel in a lot more chakra than he expected, but he burst the thing within five minutes.

Jiraiya started sulking again. It was an hour at least before the man was willing to speak about the third and final stage of the technique, which involved exactly what Tsuna expected it to be. Jiraiya wanted him to combine the first two stages to create the third, but that time without bursting a balloon filled only with air.

He held off on getting it right, if only so he didn’t have to see a fifty-year-old man sulk like a toddler again so soon. That evening, after they camped and he laid down to sleep, he formed a clone and stepped out so he could practice.

Sin was ready with a bunch of already-inflated balloons for him to use, but first Tsuna checked the time and got some rest. He could turn back a day and merge with his clone after twenty-four hours had passed.

Shadow clones helped refine the technique during the course of the day, and by the time night fell he was very nearly there. He kept an eye on the time and used a spare room to turn back, hung up his time turner to keep it safe, then stepped back and merged with his clone.

They hit Tanzaku Gai two hours after they departed their campsite and Jiraiya found Tsunade at an eatery—one that served booze, of course. “Tsunade-hime!”

“Jiraiya…” Tsunade looked like she was all of twenty. There was a diamond-shaped gem at the center of her forehead, which went strangely well with her blonde hair. Next to her was a dark-haired woman. “Why are you at a place like this?”

“Finally, we’ve found you,” Jiraiya said, then slid into the booth the two women were seated at.

“Why’d you come to see me?” Tsunade asked.

Jiraiya opened his mouth to answer, then paused and stared at Tsuna. “Sit!”

Tsuna snorted. “I wasn’t going to until invited. Unlike you I have manners.”

Tsunade waved a disinterested hand at him, so he sat down.

“To be honest, Konoha has issued the … request … for you to be the Godaime Hokage. The Sandaime is…”

If Tsunade and her friend were not already shocked half to death, the way Jiraiya trailed off clearly made them both think the worst.

“He’s not dead,” Tsuna said quietly. “Just old.”

Jiraiya shot him a look before saying, “Orochimaru invaded during the third stage of the Chūnin Selection Exam, with Oto and Suna. He was there to destroy Konoha and kill the Sandaime. He did not succeed in either, but… It’s time, hime. Sensei is just too old and needs to step down.”

Tsunade flicked her gaze Tsuna’s way, then asked Jiraiya, “And this boy?”

“Francis York Morgan, but you can call me York. Everyone does.” Tsuna glanced at Jiraiya. “Isn’t that right, Zach?”

Jiraiya shot him a confused and disturbed look, then said to Tsunade, “Uzumaki Naruto.”

“I’m your cousin or something,” he said with a shrug. “Not sure of the exact relationship.”

“So… Your answer? Are you willing to accept?”

“…Impossible. I decline. They all die,” she said, “give up their lives for the sake of the village. Life is different from money. It can’t be risked that easily, and whoever does is a fool.”

“You’ve changed a lot, hime.”

“Well, I’m already in my fifties. Age changes people. Being Hokage is shit. No one but a fool would do it!”

“Fabulous,” he said dryly. “Can we get back to the part where you’re ‘teaching’ me that technique, Ero-Sennin? The stench of alcohol is starting to make me ill. I don’t see why they want this woman anyway. If someone made the mistake of lighting a fire the Hokage tower would explode with her in it.”

“I told you not to call me that!”

“And I told you I wasn’t interested in coming on this trip with a pervert like you. Build a bridge and get over it.”

“You’ve got some guts to say something like that about me, brat,” Tsunade said, scowling at him. “Let’s take this outside.” She stomped off, her dark-haired friend following.

Tsuna shrugged and headed out to see them waiting on the street—because a street in the middle of town was an excellent place to have a duel.

“I’ve been one of the Densetsu no Sannin. I don’t even have to be serious to fight this little ninja boy. One finger should be enough,” she said, holding up her index finger.

“Funny how you used the past tense,” he muttered.

She charged. Tsuna swiftly cut his hand, having learned from his family quite a bit more about the woman during his day away from Jiraiya, and flicked blood at her. Tsunade stopped dead and quivered.

“Careful now,” he said. “Standing out here in the middle of town… People might start to notice exactly how they can bring you down. All those gambling debts and alcohol tabs must be piling up…. You might be old, but you’re clearly vain, else you wouldn’t be hiding it like you are. I wonder what unscrupulous people would do if they knew how best to—” He jumped back quite a distance when she lunged at him. “Did I hit a nerve?”

“I will end you,” she growled.

“Wow, because that’s not cliché or anything. Do you people get these things from a handbook or something? One hundred ways to intimidate your foes? Gosh, I must have been sick that day at the academy. It’s fucking pathetic that you’d demand to cave in the face of a child just because you’re not satisfied with your usual tantrums.” He rolled his eyes and turned to go. “I’m done with this, Ero-Sennin. The council can slap me on the wrist or something when I get back for abandoning a mission.”

Naturally, Tsunade lunged at him again, and missed when he stepped to the side too quickly for her to recover and redirect. He whipped a red sheet of cloth out of his pocket and held it to the side, bull fighter style. “Olé!”

“I will fucking end you,” she said through gritted teeth.

Tsuna shook his sheet and shot a serene smile her way. “Sure, sure. Now all we need is a mariachi.”

She lunged again, her index finger of doom pointing at him, but that time Tsuna sank under the surface of the road, leaving her to run head first into the cloth. When he popped back up she was wrestling the thing off herself.

“Brava, señorita!” he cried, wishing he had the right headwear for this little farce. He popped out another red cloth and shook it. “Olé!”

“Gonna grind you to paste and use your bones to pick my teeth with!”

“You never told me she was a cannibal, Ero-Sennin,” he complained, then slid sideways at the last possible second. “Has she always been this, uh…”

The dark-haired woman grimaced.

“Well!” he said. “If she intends to do any of that, she’ll just have to catch me, won’t she? Assuming she’s not too old to keep up.” He laughed merrily and scampered off at a speed not normally seen except in people like Lee Rock and vanished into the distance.

Tsunade charged after him like a mad … cow … which only made him keep laughing merrily. That she was leaving craters in her wake was probably bad for the town, but surely they had people who did road maintenance—or could hire a genin team to fix the damage.

He spent the next six hours taunting her with merry laughter as he sped along the road toward Konoha. He blitzed through the main gate—incidentally not giving the gate guards a chance to check him in—up the main street to the academy, and inside to the mission office (his family had helpfully let him know where the Hokage was) where he flew up the wall and settled on the ceiling, still laughing like a loon.

Tsunade crashed into the room, swearing like a dock worker. “Where the fuck is the little brat!? I’ll have his guts for gar—” She broke off when she realized the mission team and the Hokage were staring at her in disbelief. “Oh, uh… Shit.”

“Tsu-chan,” the Hokage said calmly. “Lovely to see you again. To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“Well, uh… I…” Her gaze went upward to see him sitting on the ceiling, aiming a serene smile at her. “Just you wait, brat,” she muttered.

Jiraiya huffed in about then, the dark-haired woman behind him; she was clutching a pig in her arms. For some reason the animal was wearing a string of pearls around its neck.

“The brat and I were, uh, working on his speed,” Tsunade said.

The Hokage smiled, ostensibly taking that at face value. “Since you’re here, would you be willing to handle a few of the more serious cases currently in the hospital? They could use your delicate touch.”

She grimaced and shifted her weight. “Since I’m here… Shizune, let’s go see what they have for us.” She stalked off unhappily.

“Am I even getting paid for this mission?” he asked from his seat on the ceiling. “Or was Ero-Sennin yanking my chain?”

The Hokage coughed as Jiraiya looked a bit shifty-eyed. “You will be paid, Naruto-kun. Check in tomorrow, all right?”

“Hokage-sama,” he said, then flipped off the ceiling. After a bow he exited to go meet up with his family.

“Shikamaru was promoted to chūnin,” Sin informed him once he got inside the main house.

“Oh? Good for him, I guess. He probably thinks it’s troublesome. Honestly. Why anyone would think it’d be less troublesome to be a ninja and forced on missions when he could have just stayed a civilian…”

“Not generally an option for a clan heir,” Xeul said. “Or a famiglia heir, for that matter.”

“And it would have been too troublesome to fake his own death and strike out on his own,” Tsuna said with a nod. “Even I had a few rounds before I was able to manage that. Besides, it’d probably be too troublesome to have to hunt down his own food and create shelter. I wonder if, now that she’s here, Tsunade will agree to take over as Hokage. Being face to face with her sensei might guilt her into it, having seen how old and weary he looks.”

“Or she might just take over the hospital,” Hayato said. “She is a medic. She might decide there’s just not enough of them. Konoha did lose a good chunk of their forces, though, at least a quarter of them. If she did, the only people she’d be training are kids still in the academy most likely.”

Sin groaned. “You realize of course, this might mean our team may have to start C-ranks,” he said to Daemon, who wrinkled his nose.

The next day brought about the news that Mitarashi Anko had been found dead in her apartment. What they were not saying was that her Cursed Seal of Heaven had seemingly exploded, leaving bits of her scattered all over the room.

A memorial was held, with precious few people attending. Yūhi was devastated by the tokujō’s death and left dango as an offering.

The day after it was made known by Team 11’s jōnin sensei, Hiroshi-sensei, that they really needed to start picking up missions again, but with Chuya in the hospital (injuries sustained during the invasion and not critical, and therefore not high on the waiting list of those to be healed), they were unable to.

Sin and Daemon conspired and Naruto was borrowed from Team 7, as Sasuke was still recovering, and Hatake did not seem to care one way or the other.

Tsuna went to the mission office as part of Team 11. Hiroshi picked up a C-rank without bothering to check what it entailed and shooed them back out before reading the scroll.

“Meet at the main gate in one hour. Pack for two weeks.”

The three took off to do so, packed everything they’d need into storage scrolls (or storage) and raced off to the main gate. Hiroshi showed up several minutes later and checked them all out, then started off at a jog.

Man, he doesn’t talk much, does he.

Nah. It’s a lot of “do this” and “do that” from him, but very little talk.

They were about five kilometres outside of Konoha when Hiroshi slowed to a stop and said, “The mission is bandit extermination. Mission details say it’s a small group, so we shouldn’t be overwhelmed. I realize this will be a troubling mission. It’s not unlikely that you’ll have difficulties once it’s done. Just keep it together until it’s safe. Watch each other’s backs, and we’ll get through this. Now, let’s keep moving. We have quite a distance to cover before we can stop for the night.”

They continued on, made camp for the night and sorted out a watch rotation, then had a sketchy breakfast in the morning. They set out at a ground-eating pace. Two days later they made it to the area the bandit camp was in and set up again, though that time it was up in some large trees with abundant foliage and plenty of undergrowth.

“In some cases it’s better to carry hammocks,” Hiroshi said, “so you can bed down up in the trees. Well, assuming you can find two close enough to each other and still be hidden from the ground, or branches on the same tree that grow the right way.

“Depending on the mission in question, it’s sometimes viable to get a room in the requesting village, but not every mission of this type has a target close enough to make it worthwhile. Now, according to the mission parameters, we’re about a kilometre away from the camp location. We’re going to sneak in and verify the information we were provided by the client…”

Hiroshi went on for some time. The man seemed almost nervous, but perhaps it was his first time being a jōnin sensei and therefore had never taken genin on a first-kill mission. Tsuna’s intuition was not alarmed, in any case.

Are we going to have to fake being a bit … blank, afterward?

Daemon smirked faintly. Fuck that. I’ll just tinker with his brains to make him think we had the usual reaction.

Shortly thereafter they all skulked off through the terrain nearing the alleged camp and, when they spotted it, all hunkered down in the undergrowth to spy the place out. Tsuna counted ten bandits, all them unwashed, rough-looking fellows. They had the sense to have their camp up against a rock formation, an indentation into it, rather like a proto-cave, and the ground had been cleared of grass under and around their fire.

They spent several hours observing before it was time to bed down for the night, once again rotating the watch, and were back at it the next day. There were always seven bandits in the camp at any given time. A random three would head out and return hours later with what meagre loot they could scrounge up.

That evening, as they themselves ate, Hiroshi asked them how they would handle the situation.

“One option would be to wait for a trio to leave,” Sin said, “give them a good hour, then take out the seven left behind. Assuming it’s not too messy, prop them up so at first glance they don’t look dead… Then take out the remaining three when they get close enough, preferably from behind. Or flip that and take out the three who leave, then double back for the rest of them.”

Hiroshi nodded. “Any other ideas?”

“I imagine they have a watch rotation at night,” Tsuna said, “but we don’t know if they relieve themselves while on watch or before trading off. Assuming the former, the ones on duty could be taken out stealthily, and since the rest should be sleeping, more of the same. It’d make more sense for them to do it right before the hand-off, though.”

“Scope out where they’re doing their ‘hunting’ and see if it’s possible to set up a delayed trap using genjutsu,” Daemon said. “Corpses, specifically, savaged by wildlife if there’s anything in this region that would make sense. The loot they’d bring back would be planted by us and contain a whole lot of exploding tags we could set off remotely. Or, well, genjutsu in general. Make any night watch not even see us as we stroll in, or use it to draw them off so they could be taken out away from the immediate camp vicinity, then further use genjutsu to get to the ones sleeping and quietly deal with them.”

“If they’re sitting around a fire at night, their night vision would be terrible,” Sin said. “That’d be in our favor, too. If they’re smart they’d be patrolling far enough out that the fire wouldn’t affect them so much, and make them more vulnerable to being taken out quietly. It’s a small group, though, and frankly, they didn’t look all that smart.”

Hiroshi nodded again. “All decent ideas, though I think the genjutsu idea would be better after you’ve all had more experience. It can be quite tricky to keep that going when you’re inexperienced and under pressure. We’ll observe for one more day, then we’ll set the plan and complete the mission.”

They stopped in at the client’s location to give proof of completion, got the mission signed off on, and were on their way back to Konoha. The bandits were taken out by stealth, at night, and it was all very boring to three seasoned killers. The journey back was spent listening to Hiroshi talk them all through their “first kills” while they tuned it out—not that the man noticed, not with Daemon tinkering with his brains.

The mission was turned in and they were released, though Hiroshi was signaled to remain behind. Tsuna, Sin, and Daemon headed off to collect their pay and return to the Kuro compound.

“Plenty of news to share,” Mukuro said when they entered the house. “But first, are you three okay? Do we need to sit around a fire with hot cocoa and talk about our feelings?”

Tsuna snorted. “Oh, you’re so precious. What news?” he asked as he started unpacking.

“One, Senju Tsunade agreed to be the Godaime Hokage, so the old man has retired, again. Two, the Uchiha defected with four Oto nin. Three, a group was sent after him, led by Nara Shikamaru. Included in that group were Akimichi Chōji, Inuzuka Kiba, and Hyūga Neji. Oh, and Lee checked himself out of the hospital after his surgery and went after them to help. Sadly, too many jōnin and chūnin are out on missions, so… Anyway, they failed.”

“And we should take from this that Mitarashi’s death was no coincidence, and that Orochimaru used one of those cursed seals to resurrect himself…?”

Mukuro nodded. “Also that Gaara, Temari, and Kankurō decided to join the party for some insane reason—then again, Gaara is insane—probably because Suna discovered that Orochimaru had killed their father and Kazekage and felt they owed a debt. Or something. Or maybe Gaara wanted to see what the blood of Orochimaru’s minions tasted like.

“Chōji and Neji are in critical condition. Shikamaru’s wounds were minor, Kiba’s deep but not critical. On a side note, it’s entirely possible that Shikamaru and Temari are falling for each other. Isn’t that sweet?”

He blinked, wondering how that was going to work out. He supposed if Gaara had inexplicably turned over a new leaf—‘Pun intended.’—he might conceivably succeed his father as Kazekage. Suna wouldn’t need both Temari and Kankurō, right? ‘Or maybe I’m just thinking too far in advance of this and should quit while I’m ahead.’

“And finally, Sakura asked Tsunade if she’d take her on as an apprentice.”

Daemon cackled. “We really need to grease the wheels on getting Heul onto our team, then.”

Team 11 was having a grand time fiddling with Hiroshi’s brains—never to the detriment of a mission—as they went on C-rank after C-rank after Tsuna was switched to their team to replace Chuya (she had conveniently decided to investigate medical training after being wounded in the invasion).

There had been talk about Naruto being taken off on a three-year training trip with Jiraiya—mostly so that he would have “family” rather than teaching him anything of value in terms of techniques—but that was easily enough nipped in the bud.

“If the pervert really had given a fuck he would have made that clear years ago,” he said. “Anonymous presents every so often would have gotten the message across that someone out there gave a damn. To then decide on a three year training trip in which no actual training happens? I did not just trade up from Hatake to get saddled with someone even worse.”

Tsuna would sooner shoot himself in the face than go on a trip with that man again. Sending a clone might have worked but for the part where Tsuna was also taking all those C-ranks with Team 11. And speaking of that, who was holding down the home front if so many of their jōnin, tokujō, and chūnin were out on missions?

Konoha had lost around one quarter of their forces. Maybe it was more that people were being pushed to complete their missions in a more timely manner, so that there were always enough shinobi in the village at any given time to protect it?

Daemon just shook his head. “We meddled. Any time his brain even starts in that direction it’ll veer off to his spy ring or something connected to keeping Konoha safe. And if the offer was only halfheartedly made, it’ll just slip away fairly quickly. We haven’t done a correlation between information in his mind and that of the Sandaime’s, but I assume he’s been bringing in enough quality information that he’s been left to continue his wandering.”

“So he’s useful, just impossible to spend time with if you have any brains.”

Sin snorted. “Impossible to spend time with if you aren’t a brainless bimbo in heat, a fangirl with loose morals, or a savvy prostitute, you mean.”

“Well,” he said, “since we have the rest of the day off, let’s talk about tasks. Off the top of my head we have the Akatsuki, Uchiha Sasuke, Orochimaru, anyone with the Cursed Seal of Heaven, potentially cursing Ero-Sennin with erectile dysfunction… Oh, and the so-called Madara.”

Daemon cackled and stepped _Between_.

Tsuna shrugged and started baking. He barely had his ingredients gathered when his brother came back, still cackling.

“That’s Ero-Sennin taken care of,” Daemon said cheerfully.

“Awesome. I have to wonder just how many people Orochimaru successfully cursed. We could try mining their brains for information—assuming it hasn’t made them all go bugnuts—but even they might not know for certain. Hell, Orochimaru might not know, though I’d hope he does. You said ten percent survival rate, so hopefully he’s got it all written down somewhere.”

“Find him again, pump him full of Draught of Living Death, then go after the ones we know about plus any documentation?” Hayato suggested.

“Could work,” Chikusa said. “If he’s insensate, not dead, he shouldn’t reenact a scene from _Alien_ again, right?”

“We find a hideout, flood it with sleeping gas or an aerosol version of Living Death, kill off the Cursed Seal of Heaven minions, dump any innocents—should any exist—at the nearest town, then gather up any and all documentation to be found, store it, then move on to the next one?”

“Well, we could use veritaserum to interrogate the minions regarding other hideouts, first,” Ken pointed out.

“And the Uchiha?” Xeul asked. “We’ll find him, surely, but without a way to remove that seal…”

Tsuna sighed. “I lean toward offing them as defects, if only because of that seal. Mitarashi had that thing for years and no one could remove it, not even seal masters like Jiraiya or this body’s parents. Maybe they just weren’t creative enough, I dunno. The overall plan there, yes. As for the Uchiha, he has to go. I’d say we could do something nice—” He shuddered slightly. “—and make out like he took them all out, but no one but a fangirl would buy that.”

“So we off him and steal his eyes,” Mukuro said with a satisfied nod.

“Speaking of eyes!” Sin said.

“Yes, yes, we need to find Pein,” Daemon placated. “We realize you are upset that you missed Heul’s birthday because of all the C-ranks, but we also need to be certain one of us can do the transfer properly so that our beloved leader does not end up blind.”

“Akatsuki does not seem to be as pressing simply because they aren’t moving against the jinchūriki due to the Kyūbi going missing. However, they are working to destabilize all ninja villages, which isn’t a small thing,” he said. “Either way, what do we have eyes on already? If we can step over to one of Orochimaru’s bases right now, there’s no reason not to move on all that, even if only to the extent of mapping out all his little hidey-holes and getting tags on defects so they can be wiped out in one operation. If we already have eyes in Ame and know where Pein and Konan are, same deal. Daemon, Sin, and I are a bit constrained, but that leaves five of you. Two and two with one watching the compound?”

“And if these C-ranks taper off,” Sin said, “we might actually catch a break and be able to help without resorting to time-turning every day.”

Tsuna, Sin, and Daemon shuffled into the Kuro compound’s main house wearily after yet another C-rank mission.

“I wish to hell these would taper off,” Sin complained. “We went from nice, relaxing D-ranks from here to eternity to endless C-ranks. We’ve offed so many bandits I may never get the smell of unwashed peasant out of my nose and clothes.”

Tsuna giggled tiredly.

“Good news, everyone!” Mukuro called out. “The chicken survived the Winterhold invasion this time!”

Tsuna fell over laughing. ‘Oh, kami, I must really be tired if I’m laughing this hard,’ he thought. Sin picked him up off the floor and hauled him away to the kitchen to be deposited in a seat.

Mukuro looked mighty pleased with the reaction. “On a more serious note, we have proper news. We have eyes in Ame and are sweeping the village for Pein and Konan. We also found one of Orochimaru’s hideouts and began sweeping there, mostly data mining for now. Ero-Sennin seems to think that the Akatsuki flat out won’t bother collecting jinchūriki until they figure out where the Kyūbi went, so we have time to get these both done.”

“Hopefully before I die another hilariously stupid death,” he muttered.

“Also,” Mukuro said, “we’ve decided that we need to figure out that seal on your stomach.”

His brow went up.

“It’d be better if we knew precisely what it’s intended to do. So we’ll be wanting you to lie down at some point, channel enough chakra to make it appear, and start copying it out so we can decipher it.”

“All right. I suppose I’m curious. I mean, if the Kyūbi got out, if the seal broke, what would happen? It only has half its chakra. Would it steal from others to regain what it lost to the shinigami? Would it naturally acquire what it lost? There’s only one Uchiha out there—two, perhaps—with the eyes to even capture it again, right? And no, of course, I’m not suggesting we let it loose. I might not much like this world, but neither am I ready to move on.”

By the time the next class of shiny new genin was near graduation, the C-ranks had thankfully tapered off. Other villages had stopped thinking that Konoha was ripe for the taking and turned their attention elsewhere.

It freed up Samsara to better work toward their own goals. All of Orochimaru’s hideouts had been mapped by the Kuro Clan, both on a map of the Elemental Nations and by the composition of each stronghold, as well as tags placed on each and every person the snake summoner had tainted with that Cursed Seal of Heaven.

In a move that hearkened back to Samsara’s removal of Death Eater defects, they coordinated to kill every last one of them, including Orochimaru again, in a single night. Any and all research was acquired and scanned into the system, with the original material put into storage. Sasuke’s sharingan had been removed and stored after the boy was killed.

“If anyone managed to escape, I’m sure we’ll hear about Orochimaru popping up again,” Tsuna said once they had gotten a good rest.

“So we can turn our attention to Akatsuki,” Xeul said cheerfully.

“I assume you told Hiroshi that Team 11 was not the least bit interested in the upcoming Chūnin Selection Exam,” Ken said in an aside.

Sin wrinkled his nose and nodded. “Yeah. Well, Daemon did.”

“Hokage Senju was not the least bit pleased to hear that,” Daemon said. “I think she’s wanting closer control over Tsuna here, to get back at him. Him being a chūnin would allow for that.”

He rolled his eyes. “Not my problem if the woman is a cowardly drunk. Boo fucking hoo and all that. Like she’s the only person in existence who’s had to deal with loss.”

“Can we get on with the part where we acquire a shiny set of eyes for Heul?” Sin said impatiently.

Xeul snorted. “Pein has a little something going on kind of like Mukuro’s abilities.”

Mukuro perked up in interest. “Oh? Do tell.”

“Those rinnegan eyes of his allow him to possess, essentially, corpses and use them as extensions of his own body. He calls it the Six Paths of Pein. Each one of those bodies has a particular power, one of the paths. Basically, he uses this thing called a black receiver, embedded into the body in question, to channel his chakra through them. It’s kind of like the Yamanaka Hiden, where they can control another body through mind switch, except that in this case the body acts as Pein’s, because it has no mind of its own.

“Pein himself was left crippled during a battle with some fellow named Hanzō, so this allows him to be mobile, so to speak. The Deva Path has gravity manipulation. The Asura Path has body manipulation. It’s a bit rude, really. He can manifest additional arms, as an example, and even fire those arms as projectiles. There’s more, but…

“The Human Path has a soul reading technique. It yanks the soul out of a body and learns all its secrets. The Animal Path is like Mukuro’s in that it can summon animals to aid him. The Preta Path has the ability to absorb chakra in any form, though the user is still subject to the limitations involved with senjutsu techniques.

“Finally, the Naraka Path gives the ability to use an entity called the King of Hell to question people. It’s … odd. The target needs to be held in some way, at which point the King of Hell appears and starts the questioning. If the target lies or refuses to answer, they die; they’re consumed by this King of Hell. If they cooperate and tell the truth, they live, but they’re drained by the experience. Apparently, anyone killed by the Human Path can be kept, so to speak. Their soul can be stored with this King of Hell. Apparently, the rinnegan can be used to bring people back to life, and not in an Edo Tensei sort of way.”

Tsuna shook his head. “No. Let’s obtain the eyes and store them in stasis, like the sharingan we have. I don’t need any of that.”

Sin scowled and nodded. “I have to agree. There’s literally no point. Sure, it might be nice to be able to resurrect someone you cared about who died, or for Heul to read minds—except for the part where the target dies—but… That’s seriously edging into god territory.”

Xeul nodded and continued, “We have his location, Konan’s—because she’s never far away from him or one of his paths, and she’s the only one who knows his real location—and we can see about dealing with the remainder of the Akatsuki, including those hangers-on Tobi and Zetsu.”

“Zetsu is very, very weird,” Ken said. “He’s like a human-plant hybrid or something. It’s fucked up. He likes to eat his enemies, for one thing.”

“Tobi appears to have a single sharingan,” Chikusa said. “So we need to kill him and acquire that. He’s clearly a defect if he’s with Akatsuki.”

“Use your eye or the Imperius Curse to control the real Pein,” Tsuna suggested, “get him to call for a meeting, and we wipe all of them out then?”

“We could have him claim he’s learned information about where the Kyūbi is,” Hayato said.

“One other thing,” Xeul said. “Actually, more than one. Other abilities of the rinnegan. They can see chakra. It acts sort of like a byakugan. As with the sharingan, they can easily learn any technique and master all five nature transformations.”

“Still don’t need it,” Tsuna muttered.

Xeul ignored that and continued, “One of the things we should get rid of is the Gedō Mazō, what was once the body of the Jūbi. It was sealed into the moon, but apparently someone managed to summon it back. It’s into that Akatsuki plans to transfer the tailed beasts. Pein managed to summon the thing during that conflict with Hanzō, and it’s what crippled him. Meaning, we need to force Pein to summon the thing again so we can destroy it, or find out where it is now from his mind before he’s killed.”

“Vanish it?”

“Earth Flames? Storm Flames?”

“Shift it to an active volcano in another dimension?”

Xeul shrugged. “Whatever works. So long as it’s erased from existence and cannot be reconstituted or re-summoned…”

“Okay,” Tsuna said. “Then first, get Pein and Konan under our control. We can use them to get the location of the others. They must have a way to communicate without having to head to Ame every time. Once we know where each of them is, we can take them out, quietly. Then get that statue, destroy it, and take care of Konan and Pein last. Once they’re all dead we can have our nameless bounty hunter turn them in for whoever pays the most, and to let the Elemental Nations know that Akatsuki is gone.”

“I would say to spare Itachi, but…” Hayato trailed off.

“He followed his orders like a good soldier,” Tsuna said, “and he’s probably passing along information to Konoha via Jiraiya. Still, that he would follow orders and kill the children of his clan, innocents all, is not something I can simply ignore. I also can’t ignore that he tortured Sasuke in an attempt to commit suicide by brother once the kid was stronger. Maybe he’ll find peace in the afterlife.

“And while I’m thinking about it, we might consider doing a sweep of Konoha to see just who, if anyone, knows how to perform Edo Tensei. Wipe that knowledge, remove it from the Scroll of Seals, and hope that nobody gets it in them to recreate the technique. We might not be able to eradicate the knowledge entirely, but we could certainly make it harder for people to abuse it.”

“Very few people ever learn fūinjutsu well enough to even attempt it, so that doesn’t hurt,” Sin said.

Tsuna hummed. “Let’s take a break for today, relax after last night’s push, and take it back up again tomorrow. As for food, how does pizza sound?”

Team 11 had to go do missions while the rest of Samsara got to do the fun stuff of destroying Akatsuki. Xeul took lead due to Daemon being only partly available. It really just wasn’t a big deal, in the end, no more so than taking care of Orochimaru.

Plenty of planning, then the attack. Coordinated, relentless, and quiet.

By the time Team 11 got back from their latest C-rank (escorting a merchant to the capital) Akatsuki was no more, the statue had been disintegrated and then the particles vanished, and acquired dōjutsu had been stored along with the others they already had.

“So, what, we’re down to the usual bandits, thugs, and power-hungry idiots?” Hayato said.

“So long as the other villages stay mostly in their own territory…”

“Eventually there will be some sort of issue when the current crop of jinchūriki need to be replaced—” Tsuna rolled his eyes at the vague similarity to the Arcobaleno—“but that could easily be decades from now. Not something I’m going to worry about unless it makes itself be an issue.”

“To pass the time I figure we can get back to acquiring techniques from the various villages to increase our library,” Xeul said. “We can’t do anything with kekkei genkai, but there’s plenty we can use, if we knew of them, and assuming they were in any way useful.”

He nodded. “No reason not to. That and figure out this seal. That might have to wait until we’ve finished our contracted duty and can retire. Imagine that, being able to retire at seventeen.”

“And not be in Amway,” Sin quipped.

Tsuna’s body was sixteen when the next bit of weirdness hit them, and it had nothing to do with Jiraiya cranking out four new “books” in record time due to frustration.

It was a sunny enough day—though a bit cool—when he stretched out for the next session of his family trying to finish getting the seal on his stomach diagrammed out on paper so they could decipher it. When he channeled chakra to make it appear, they all looked rather surprised. “What?”

“Uh, darling? The seal is missing,” Mukuro said quietly.

Tsuna looked down the length of his body and, sure enough, no seal. “So where the fuck did the Kyūbi go?”

After a long silence Hayato said, “Well, we can try to figure the seal out with what we’ve got. Maybe it was designed to … absorb the thing into you? Destroy it that way? I mean, half of its chakra is vacationing inside a shinigami. Maybe Namikaze designed the seal to make the other half irrelevant?”

“If that is the case, it’s just as well we protected the identity of the Kyūbi’s jinchūriki,” Ken said. “Even with this, I doubt people would believe it if Tsuna said the Kyūbi is gone. They wouldn’t want to believe it. They already went quietly bugnuts when knowledge of who held it went missing. Their big bad weapon was no longer available, after all, not that Naruto was supposed to be aware of it, nor had he been given any training in the use of its chakra—now his, presumably.”

“We’ll know something soon enough,” Mukuro said. “We can chart how Heul is doing with chakra control over the next few weeks or a month. If the chakra gains taper off sharply, or even taper at all, that would imply all of those gains were as much about acquiring the Kyūbi’s chakra for his own as it would natural progression, or more so.”

“Well, if it’s gone, I’m going to go do my daily chakra control training,” he said. “We’ll know more soon enough, I expect.”

It took a month, in reality, as they did still have to do missions, but they were able to see that Tsuna’s gains in chakra control outpaced any increase in his reserves by a larger margin, which meant that he would likely not have to work so hard at maintaining a given level of control.

As well, his body was nearing maturity, and they already expected that the growth curve of his reserves would taper off to more directly correlate with activities that were intended to expand it.

“So, what?” Chikusa said. “An hour per day when able to work on chakra control—something like the shape manipulation of Rasengan—and you’re golden?”

He shrugged. “Hopefully.”

It was during a holiday—it was a happy day when Team 11 could retire, and did—that Tsuna’s danger sense kicked in at one of those “impending doom, but it’s too late” moments. Iwa was an interesting place all told, and it had a certain sense of style that was not entirely Japanese (though nothing could truly be called Japanese in a world where there was no Japan).

They made the whole stone thing work.

But apparently there was an altercation nearby—too nearby—and Tsuna realized just a little too late when a volcano erupted under him and burned off his legs before he could blink and started to swallow him.

His last thought before being fully engulfed by the lava was, ‘At least I wasn’t boiled to death by the Gobi while wearing a lobster costume.’


	6. λ26: 06: Konoha

## λ26  
06: Konoha

When he woke up it was to see a stained ceiling and familiar surroundings. A slow look round revealed that the place was a shithole on top of being dirty and cluttered with things. ‘I don’t fucking believe it,’ he thought, mentally kicking his family awake.

‘What the fuck?’ Sin said flatly.

‘Family meeting~!’ Daemon sang.

‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘hang on.’ He quickly formed a clone around his body and stepped into his storage. As his family materialized themselves, he started conjuring up furniture. “I should really think about putting in some real stuff, now that we aren’t forced to rely on the trunk.”

“We all should,” Hayato said, taking a seat.

“So, we’re back in a Naruto world.”

“Yeah, but you’re older,” Ken pointed out. “Like, twelve-ish.”

Tsuna frowned and called a mirror over so he could examine himself. He was dressed in a kill-me-now orange jumpsuit (had his body fallen asleep fully dressed?) and, indeed, looked to be about twelve, which could mean terrible things. “Shit,” he muttered as he sent the mirror away. As an afterthought, he adjusted the clone pretending to be him up from six to twelve years old.

“Right, damage control,” Xeul said, then vanished. A window popped open a moment later so he could listen in.

He opened a quick window to the shithole to check the calendar and was grateful to see it was a Sunday, which meant he shouldn’t need to be anywhere that day. On that thought he “borrowed” the stove from the house trunk, reached into the storage trunk for supplies, and started cooking breakfast for everyone.

By the time he had it on the table Xeul was back, smiling happily while still somehow managing to frown. “So, it’s mostly bad news, and one of us really needs to scan your body’s memories.”

His brow went up as he started eating.

“Tomorrow is going to be the day when Hatake offers up entry to the Chūnin Selection Exams, and I shudder to think just what your body was doing while you weren’t at the wheel.”

Tsuna groaned in dismay. “They all probably think Naruto is a complete moron. The last one certainly never saw much use for his brains. I don’t expect this one was any better.”

Xeul grimaced. “Yeah. Fangirl just loves bonking your body over the head for the least excuse, even though it has been somehow more skilled than she’s ever tried to be—with the exception of chakra control, anyway.”

That made him groan again. “I foresee plenty of exercises today to ensure my control is where it should be. And of course, using a few thousand clones to grind muscle memory for proper taijutsu.”

“You plan to go through with it again?” Mukuro asked, eyeing him curiously.

“Nah. Don’t see the point. True, I don’t have a fallback team this time to slide into, but the only fucking reason they got so far last time was me. Why do them any favors, especially if those two hate Naruto, or at least hold him in contempt, as I suspect they do.”

Nods went around the table.

“I wonder how Hatake will react?” Ken said quietly. “Will he let that slide, or will he flat out tell you all three of you need to enter?”

He shrugged. “Guess we’ll find out. I admit to being curious myself.”

They met on the bridge as usual, which meant waiting for several hours before Hatake even bothered to show up. That being so, a clone was waiting on Tsuna’s behalf while he did more interesting things, like learning origami while a thousand or so shadow clones continued to work on chakra control for him. The combination of his previous life’s chakra reserves plus his current made for a decided setback he had to overcome.

His body, prior to his awakening was—quite frankly—an embarrassment to everyone involved. The kid had three techniques? Kawarimi, henge (though, as it turned out, Naruto’s version of henge was more of an actual shapeshift, which could come in extremely handy, as you had to be born a metamorphmagus and Naruto’s technique nicely mimicked that), and shadow clone. Five if you counted tree walking and water walking, though the water walking was more than a little shaky.

His taijutsu was a travesty, consisting of a brawler style that made Tsuna flush with dismay and renewed embarrassment, he had no filter on his mouth, no real use for his brains (unless it involved pranks), and his claim to fame was being able to sneak like a pro (even in bright orange) and outrun even seasoned ninja.

The Uchiha had a glimmer of respect for him, if only because he at least tried, could be useful, and was better than Sakura, while the Banshee, used to years of being asked out by the blond moron, hated his existence, and thought that everything he did was in an effort to show up the Uchiha (a lot of it was, too, which only made it worse).

Tsuna rolled his eyes and prayed for sanity, then set his half-folded crane down when he noticed Hatake was ambling slowly onto the bridge, nose buried in one of his porn books. He blew a flat raspberry, then seamlessly switched with his clone.

“Here,” the man said once he got close enough, offering up three sheets of rice paper.

Tsuna accepted one and gave it a glance.

“This is just a nomination,” Hatake said. “Whether to take the exam is up to each of you. Those who wish to take it should sign those papers and turn them in at room 301 by 4pm tomorrow. That is all.” The porn came back up to be read as Hatake ambled off again.

Sasuke immediately headed off, Sakura trailing along behind him, though she looked downhearted. Tsuna ambled off as well.

“It is amazing the sheer number of hopefuls who can’t even see that genjutsu,” Mukuro commented, as Bun-Bun got smacked back from trying to enter the wrong room. “They’re pathetic.”

Sasuke, of course, ruined the scheme by strutting up. “You will let me pass through, and also, remove that genjutsu you’re using. I’m going to the third floor.”

Murmurs started up amongst the cardboard cutouts.

“You must have noticed, right, Sakura?” Sasuke said. “Your analytical ability and genjutsu know-how is the most improved on our team.”

She looked startled, but her expression quickly flashed through gratitude and settled on smugness. “Of course, I noticed a while ago. Because this is the second floor.”

One of the guards hummed. “Not bad. But all you did was see through it!” he cried, then attacked again.

Sasuke rose to the challenge, but Lee Rock got between them and kept them apart.

“Hey, what happened to the plan?” Hyūga Neji said quietly. “You’re the one who said we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves.”

“Well…” Lee glanced off to the side, toward Sakura.

Everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

Lee turned fully and smiled, which resulted in the caterpillars he called brows to shuffle up, and a faint dusting of pink adorned his cheeks.

“Oh, no,” Bun-Bun said, shaking her head sadly.

Lee marched on over to Sakura and said, “Hi. My name is Lee Rock. You’re Sakura. Let’s go out together!” he cried, then did a wink-grin-thumbs up pose (otherwise known as the Nice Guy™ pose) that caused light to glint off his teeth. “I’ll protect you ’til I die!”

Sakura’s mouth hung open slightly, then she said, “…No … way. You’re lame.”

Lee wilted.

No one seemed to notice or even care that the third member of Team 7 was nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, you,” Neji said, “what’s your name?”

Sasuke looked irritated that someone did not know him immediately on sight. “When you want to learn someone’s name, you should give yours first.”

“You’re a rookie, right? How old are you?”

“I don’t have to answer you.”

Neji pivoted and started off. Bun-Bun paused long enough to blush in Sasuke’s direction—

“Kami-sami, not another one,” Chikusa complained.

—before following the Hyūga. Lee moped off after them, but paused, saying he’d catch up.

A pre-exams match was held between Lee Rock and Uchiha Sasuke, but someone had clearly forgotten to advertise the event, nor had they sold any tickets, as it was incredibly under-attended, and no refreshments were on offer.

“Do you think Uchiha will bother to learn from the lesson he just got?” Ken asked after Lee kicked the kid’s ass.

“More importantly,” he said, “why the fuck are the hallways that damn wide in a school?”

Sasuke somehow managed to turn a blind eye to his recent humiliation and proceed onward toward the third floor, Sakura dogging his heels like an overeager puppy. They were met outside 301 by Hatake.

“Oh… So Sakura came, too…” Hatake trailed off and tilted his head to the side. “Where is Naruto?”

“What?” Sakura said, not seeing the relevance.

Hatake shoved his hands in his pockets. “This test can only be taken by teams of three.”

“Huh? But you said taking the test was an individual choice. You lied to us?” she asked.

“If I told you the truth, Sasuke or Naruto would have pressured you into taking the exam,” Hatake explained. “Even if you didn’t want to, if Sasuke had asked you, you would, even if it wasn’t in your heart to do so. For the sake of Sasuke… And … well … Naruto, too.”

“So if only Sasuke and Naruto had showed up?” she pressed, because clearly she was stupid.

“The exam would have ended here. But you came of your own free will. You make me proud. Now all you have to do is wait for Naruto to get here—he probably overslept again—and then you can go in.”

Sakura glanced at a convenient clock and frowned. “Twenty minutes left, then.”

Sasuke’s expression switched from smug determination to irritation.

For the next twenty minutes the three of them stood there, one reading porn, one looking increasingly angry, and one looking increasingly flustered.

“Time!” they heard, followed by a ninja popping out of nowhere. “Sorry, you two, but you’ll need to get going.”

Sasuke snarled and stormed off, a black cloud hovering over his head.

“Good thing no one but us is capable of entering my storage,” he said.

Hatake merely shook his head slowly, still reading, and ambled off. His bearing did speak of some tension, but it was hard to interpret exactly what he was thinking—without one of his Mists or Sin doing the translating.

As if having heard his thoughts, Daemon said, “He’s pissed. Really pissed. He seems to think that if the Uchiha was able to get to the third stage and put on a good show, gain praise and accolades, that it would bind him closer to the village.”

“Yeah, okay, so he’s still delusional,” he said. “We never did get around to giving him a haunt last time. Really need to look into that this time.”

His Mists nodded agreeably.

“I wonder how long he’ll take to calm down,” he mused. “And if we’re meeting tomorrow as usual to do more chores.”

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. That, of course, was very, very wrong. He had gone to sleep in his storage, after all, so what the everloving fuck was he doing in the shithole?

‘Uh, guys?’

He heard a yawn, then, ‘Uh…? What the hell?’

‘Yeah, some freaky shit’s going down. Heading to my storage,’ he said, then formed a clone and stepped. “Shit,” he said as his family materialized into place. “I should probably check the calendar.”

Mukuro opened a window and blinked. “We seem to have gone back in time. Why have we gone back in time? Did Heul suffer a hilariously stupid death while we were sleeping?”

“I don’t recall suffering a hilariously stupid death,” he said helpfully.

Daemon and Xeul exchanged a glance and vanished a second later, off to (presumably) do some investigating, so Tsuna started breakfast. He really needed to outfit his storage a bit better. Maybe when he had a few spare moments he could indulge in a little property acquisition from a previous dimension (including another stove), as he did not want to strip the house trunk. He could think of a dozen or so defects off the top of his head that wouldn’t be needing all that stuff considering they had been eliminated. No reason not to swoop in with a cross-dimensional window and pick up a few things that “fell off the back of a truck”, so to speak.

By the time he had breakfast on the table his twins were back and pleased to tuck in.

“So, yes, we have gone back in time for some reason,” Daemon said, picking up his hashi. “We are back to the same day you woke up on for this dimension. Well, we’re assuming it’s the same dimension. Nothing appears to be any different in our quick look around.”

“We should check your chakra reserves,” Xeul pointed out. “If they’ve remained steady, we’re still in the same dimension.”

People nodded; that made sense.

“The question is why,” Sin said.

Hayato briefly slipped into a UMA phase, but shook himself clear of it just as quickly. “So… The Great Shuffler?”

“Why set us back, though?” Ken said. “What’s the point? He’s already fucking with us—Heul, really—with these dimensional hops. Why skip us back in the same one?”

“Maybe there’s a condition this time,” Chikusa said quietly.

“And no clues,” he muttered.

“Yet,” Mukuro said. “One could happen.”

“So, taking into account scientific method,” Hayato said, “I think we should test what happens if you do show up for the written portion and make it into the second stage. If we reset, the exams have nothing to do with this, or very little. Considering that the second stage lasts five days, well…”

“Then I can forfeit or have a whoopsy moment and lose my match, and see if we reset.”

“Right. Work out the basic conditions.”

“Okay,” he said with a shrug. “But I’m annoyed that I’m the only student this time.”

Tsuna breezed through the first stage of the exam, secure in knowing that any actions on Sakura’s part (such as deliberately failing them out due to some out-of-left-field concern for Naruto’s “dream” of being Hokage at some stage in his life) would be prevented. It didn’t hurt one bit that his Mists had secured a copy of the actual exam, figured out all the answers (not that it really mattered in the end, since only the tenth question counted), and gotten him to memorize them.

What was funny was their meddling during the stage.

Their illusions were put to use causing various mishaps (and in one notable event, uncontrolled flatulence, which got the poor bastard kicked out along with his team after being accused of using bodily emissions as a form of code), making the spotters appear to be distracted or dozing, which caused prospectives to be more daring and which quickly got them failed, and playing up on their levels of anxiety to get people to wash (or wig) out due to nerves.

He presumed, based on the previous dimension’s Chūnin Selection Exams, that his family was forcing failures for everyone who failed to make it to the finals. Or rather, nearly. By the time they had reached the tower there were seven teams in play. Tsuna had dropped out at that point, leaving ten people to move on to the third stage after the preliminaries were over.

He still wasn’t fond of maths, but even he could work out that twenty-four people, or eight teams, was a good number to have going into the Forest of Death, assuming things were further orchestrated so that only four teams made the tower. That should bypass any prelims and let them go immediately to begin the one month breather.

In theory.

Tsuna employed a very simple strategy for the Forest of Death: let Sasuke lead. Given that they were a fresh rookie team, and had the interesting combination of an Uchiha plus two useless hangers-on (to all appearances), he fully expected them to be targeted by practically everyone.

But, with Samsara on duty, it should not be and wasn’t an actual issue. Orochimaru’s Kusa team showed up again (though only Orochimaru himself attacked), Tsuna was tumbled quite a distance away by the wind attack, and was again faced with a massive snake.

He chose to act differently, due to his knowledge of potential cameras in the vicinity. They had not captured anything last time, but that did not mean he was just as safe this time. That being so, he allowed himself to be swallowed by said massive snake. As Naruto had learned the Shadow Clone technique on his own (due to Mizuki-sensei’s deception after the kid failed the academy genin exam), there was nothing stopping Tsuna from openly using it to his advantage.

He burst the snake from the inside like a reverse piñata via an overload of shadow clones. He took a while to “recover” from being swallowed whole and bathed in stomach acid (which involved diving into a nearby stream to rinse off) before setting out to “find” his teammates.

Tsuna staggered occasionally, shaking his head, just to delay things further, all while watching his your-eyes-only window on events, and made a show of sniffing around somewhat like a dog trying to catch a scent, and cocking his head as if he was listening hard for signs of a struggle.

Even if Samsara was also meddling with the observers manning the cameras, that would not alter whatever was recorded by the cameras. They could, in theory, go back in time, having “borrowed” the odd camera, monitor, and recording equipment, to stage a fictitious battle to swap with what really happened, but that seemed like a whole lot of extra work for precious little result.

I’ve swapped the scroll from one of the teams we intend to lose with a fake, and the real one is sitting in the usual place, darling, popped up in front of him. You can pretend you did some fancy slight of hand right there at the start with a shadow clone or something disguised as a scroll, should anyone bother to ask.

He dipped his chin in a nod and kept staggering on, seeing via his window that Orochimaru was just about to bite the Uchiha. An interesting tactic and, if explored properly, could probably be used to include shadow clone kunai or even something like sandspurs to tag along with opposing teams, reform at the right moment, and take people out by surprise.

Depending on how many times they ended up going through this, it would be an interesting tactic indeed.

He arrived on the scene, mussed beyond belief, stinking of snake guts, just in time to hear Orochimaru’s parting ku-ku-ku. He sent a disguised clone in to survey the situation (for any possible cameras in the vicinity to see), then darted out of cover to rendezvous with Sakura and their downed teammate.

Sakura, in and around her “oh my poor precious Sasuke-kun” reaction, was able to impart that Orochimaru had made the same pronouncement as before, that an Oto team would be along to “kill” the Uchiha—

It really said something that the supposed smartest girl in their year could not spot the logical fallacy in that, as why would the traitorous Sannin “gift” Sasuke with a cursed seal that would lead the idiot to track him down for “more” power only to kill him off later the same day. Why not test the results of the seal (assuming the boy lived through its application), then see how the kid performed in the remainder of the exams?

—so they really needed to get a move on.

Eh, does Duck-Butt need to be awake when we hit the tower or just alive and potentially viable as a contender?

There was a pause before he saw, To be safe, let’s wait until he wakes for you to head in. Follow the arrow, hole up in that cave, and move out in the morning.

His chin dipped again as he hoisted his teammate up in a fireman carry, bullied Sakura to do something more than look helpless, then set out, a group of shadow clones popping into existence behind him to clean up after them.

Tsuna sighed once inside his room at the tower. For whatever reason, they did not have singles this time. The team as a whole had to share a room, and of course the Uchiha got first dibs on the facilities, Sakura following (as the “lady” of the team), and Tsuna a sad third.

It had to have set a speed record given how little time Sakura had taken to make herself presentable. Sasuke had stalked off the second he was done and she was torn between following immediately and at least having a quick wash. If nothing else it gave Tsuna plenty of time to relax.

A bento came out of storage, then he wandered off to find the dining hall so he could eat and observe. He expected it to be a boring few days.

So, second stage complete, he saw. You dropping out again?

He took a bite of his onigiri. With so few people? But, since I expect there to be twelve of us, I can wait for Kabuto to drop out, drop out myself, and we see if we reset. How’s that haunt coming along?

Oh, fine. Hatake is starting to feel the shame of his actions. We’ve left it subtle, for now. If we do end up going through multiple loops, we can refine it. No point in making him a total mess if there’s an invasion to contend with, right?

He hummed softly and attacked his tamagoyaki.

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. He sighed and shook his head, then formed a clone and stepped into his storage. “Looks like dropping out at that point is a no go.”

The rest of his family sighed.

“Okay, plans,” he said. “We need to get a handle on what’s the same and what’s not. I want eyes on the other villages, for one. At the very least, are they in or out when it comes to invasion. We should establish if it’s just Oto and Suna, or if someone else got added to the mix. We know that Orochimaru killed and replaced the Kazekage in the last go, but not when. Perhaps we can figure that out, too. If we can show proof of it, the Suna nin here might turn on Orochimaru.”

“Well, Gaara did turn out to be a surprisingly good kage despite being violently insane,” Sin pointed out. “Not much point in saving the kid’s father, not with how stupid the man is.”

“What say we make Orochimaru forget how to perform the Edo Tensei at a critical moment?” Hayato suggested.

“Also a good idea.” Tsuna moved to a free-standing whiteboard and starting writing down a list of issues to address.

“How about rigging any prelims?” Chikusa said. “Forget necessarily trying to only get the ones who passed to the third stage last go. It was fun this time, but even that would get boring after a while, assuming this’ll keep happening until we figure out what the goal is. Ino v Sakura was amusing and all, but it might be better to have something like Sakura v Kiba, and Ino v some other Konoha nin who stands a chance of being useful.”

“We could rig the first set of matches for the third stage,” Mukuro pointed out. “Those were just tiles with numbers. We fix what they see to hopefully knock out anyone who did worse than we expected in the prelims.”

“What else can we come up with?” he asked, having caught up on the whiteboard.

It would have been hilarious but cruel to match him against Sakura. Instead, he faced Kin of Oto. She used senbon and sound-based genjutsu. Too bad for her that genjutsu was worthless against him, and he was a pro at dodging and making it look like sheer dumb luck. The girl had no special powers and was incredibly cocky, meaning overconfident.

She never even noticed that amongst all those clones, all of which were acting as if they had been affected, was the real Tsuna padding silently up behind her. Not until he bonked her on the head with a kunai and knocked her out, anyway.

Lee got “lucky” and was paired with Yoroi. He made short work of the one-trick pony.

Gaara they forced to be unpaired, to get a bye, so that no one had to deal with him attempting to crush someone.

After that, tiles were drawn. His family had been very particular in who ended up with whom. In the first round it would be Sabaku no Kankurō v Aburame Shino. Round two featured Tsuna v Hyūga Neji. Round three would have Sabaku no Temari v Lee Rock. Round four was TenTen v Nara Shikamaru. Round five would showcase Uchiha Sasuke v Sabaku no Gaara (and would likely be interrupted by the invasion).

They didn’t see the point in having the “showcase” match, flaunting Sasuke, be first, not when they knew it was extremely likely the idiot duo would show up late again and get Duck-Butt disqualified. They were doing the kid a favor he would never even be aware of.

It was all pointless in the end anyway, as they would end up killing the kid due to that Cursed Seal of Heaven. He paused for a moment and had to stifle a groan. What if the condition was to—no, he wouldn’t even finish that thought. No no no.

The second they had been escorted back to Konoha proper and were released to figure out their training during the month of preparation, Tsuna trundled off in in search of Hatake. He was at the hospital for some reason Tsuna couldn’t be bothered to care about.

“No need to tell me,” Hatake said, “I already know what you’re going to ask. I found someone who’ll look after your training for the month. I have some business to take care of, so I won’t be able to look after you.”

Tsuna blinked. “You need to work on your mind-reading skills,” he muttered.

“Now, then,” came a voice from behind them.

Tsuna glanced back over his shoulder to see Ebisu, whom he vaguely recalled was Konohamaru’s “elite” tutor. How “elite” the man could be when he promised shortcuts to becoming hokage to an impressionable young boy…

“You’re the one with the worst basic skills,” Hatake continued, “so be sure to pay attention and learn those thoroughly.”

“Right,” he said flatly.

A short time later he was with Ebisu on the men’s side of the hotsprings and, given the mind-numbing lecture he was receiving about chakra usage, was seriously considering leaving a shadow clone behind to distract the man while he went off to do something useful, like cook for his family or investigate other nations.

He failed a few times for show as he “learned” about water walking—or at least, until he noticed Jiraiya nearby peeping through the bamboo wall surrounding the women’s side and giggling obscenely.

Ebisu, in his “I am not a pervert” mode, said, “I don’t know who you are, but I will not forgive such shameless behavior!” and charged.

‘Does this man not know Hatake at all?’ he wondered.

And just like that, Jiraiya was atop a huge toad and had bounded to the side, leaving Ebisu to get knocked out by the toad’s agile tongue.

“Well, so much for that,” he said, then turned around and started off. “Being around perverts is no place for a young boy.”

“Hey!” Jiraiya called out in protest, then (presumably) winced when he (presumably) realized he just outed himself to a bunch of (presumably) skilled kunoichi who were attempting to have a soak and did not appreciate having a perverted geezer spying on their privacy.

“Wait a minute!” he heard behind him. “I know you.”

He glanced back to see Jiraiya giving him an intent look. “So?”

“I have just the thing! Since I knocked your teacher out, well… There is something I can teach you.”

Tsuna gave him a flat look. “I don’t want lessons in how to be a pervert.”

Jiraiya looked incredibly offended. “Not that!”

“So you admit you teach people how to be perverts?”

Jiraiya bounded over and hauled him up by the back of his collar. “Tomorrow morning, 10am, here,” he said, then dropped him and grabbed Ebisu. A moment later he, the toad, and Ebisu were gone.

Tsuna shrugged and trundled off to a safe spot where he could step over to this storage. “We should consider mining his mind to see if he has anything new in the way of fūinjutsu,” he commented.

“Are we taking bets on what he’ll be ‘teaching’ you?” Sin asked.

“Well, considering that everyone knows,” Hayato said, “since we haven’t done the Fidelius, my bet is on the pervert trying to teach Heul how to use the Kyūbi’s chakra.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. Time to get started thinking of ways to respond to that, should it be true.

“First,” Jiraiya said, crouching down so he was more on Tsuna’s level, “there’s something I need you to understand. You have two types of chakra.”

Tsuna plastered an idiot look on his face. “Two types?”

“Have you ever felt a special chakra?”

Tsuna hummed, shooting for an “I’m trying real hard to think, but the lack of brain cells is hindering me” expression. “Um, nope!”

Jiraiya looked nonplussed for a moment. “Well, this isn’t really the best place to do this,” he muttered. “C’mon, kid.”

The next thing Tsuna knew he’d been picked up and hauled away. Some time later they were overlooking a ravine. A nearby river flowed into it as a waterfall, sending up a spray of rainbow-sheened mist.

Jiraiya retreated a bit upriver and did some technique that cast a net, so that (presumably) anyone practicing water walking wouldn’t get swept away to their death. “Now, I’m going to teach you a technique that requires much more than your normal amount of chakra, so we need to be able to pull out and use the chakra that’s sleeping inside you.”

“How do you know I have this other chakra?” he asked, squinting suspiciously. ‘And you’d have to be really dumb to buy that explanation. Naruto can pop out a thousand or more clones at a time, but he _needs_ the Kyūbi’s chakra to summon? Pfft.’

“Well, I am a Sannin,” Jiraiya said, as if that answered anything. “Anyway, this special chakra that only you have will become your greatest weapon. Not using it is a huge waste. There’s no need to do the same type of training as the others.”

‘Because you want a dumb nuke and not a smart weapon,’ he thought sourly.

“Each person has things they’re good and bad at, so you have your own style, too. Your training up until now focused on producing and releasing a set amount of chakra, and controlling chakra so you don’t tire out. You have two types and don’t tire out easily. You should train to release the highest amount of chakra possible and use that to its capacity. When you can do that there are tons of techniques you can use.”

Tsuna adopted an awed look. “Like!?”

“Like the one I’m about to teach you. How to summon!”

Still in idiot mode he said, “Summon?”

“Yeah!! You sign a contract in blood with various life forms and call them forth with ninjutsu when needed,” Jiraiya explained. “It’s one type of jikūkan.”

Tsuna let his mouth drop open, then screamed, “Oh!! It sounds awesome! Hurry, hurry, teeeeeeeach me!”

Jiraiya winced and said, “Well, before that, use up all your normal chakra on water walking.”

Tsuna scowled and trudged morosely over to the protected part of the river, then began to “work”, taking care to not be too good at it, of course. Over the course of the next half hour he purposely wasted far more chakra than he needed to and gradually began to appear more and more tired. Given that he had his own chakra from before plus this body’s chakra (and technically, another load of yang chakra from the Kyūbi), he could afford to be wasteful in a highly deceptive manner.

If the man had been a better teacher, he should have motivated his student by giving him a show first, then demanding the preparation.

Around the time he appeared ready to drop Jiraiya finally set aside his “work” and said, “Looks like you finally used up most of your chakra. Now I can teach you the technique. First I’ll show you how, so watch closely.” The pervert nipped one of the fingers on his left hand to draw blood, dashed the fingers of his right hand through it, then slammed his right hand into the ground. A web of what looked like fūinjutsu spread out as he cried, “Kuchiyose no Jutsu!”

A second later the man was high atop a massive toad. The toad opened its mouth, uncurled its tongue, and deposited a large scroll in front of Tsuna.

“That is a contract with the toads that has been passed down through many generations. Unroll that, and in the next open space, write your name in your own blood, and under that, press your bloodied fingerprints, using the hand you’ll be doing the summoning with.”

Tsuna obligingly did so, though he didn’t have the least bit of interest in toads.

“When you want to summon a toad, with bloodied fingertips of the correct hand, produce chakra and place down the hand you sighed the contract with. The hands seals are boar → dog → bird → monkey → sheep.”

“So that’s all? That’s it?”

“Your current state makes releasing the special chakra easier,” Jiraiya said with a nod. “Give it a try.”

Tsuna nodded excitedly and went through the motions, fully intent on being a troll. “Kuchiyose no Jutsu!” He beamed. He had very proudly summoned a tadpole. “Awesome!” he screamed.

Jiraiya groaned.

Twenty-one days later he had finally “managed” to summon a toad (though it still had a good bit of its tadpole tail left) and Jiraiya had clearly about had it. Not once in all that time had the man ever directly referred to the Kyūbi or the source of this “special” chakra he kept talking about. The old fossil in charge of the village had most likely informed Jiraiya that Naruto was aware of his tenant, but…

If Naruto truly was that clueless, he would have thought the logical thing to do was give the poor kid a hint? Maybe?

But that’s not what Jiraiya did. “Okay!” the man said. “Training ends today. If you don’t want to die, you’re going to get this right.” Then he kicked Tsuna over the edge, into the ravine. The very, very deep ravine.

Tsuna obligingly screamed his heart out on the way down, wondering the entire time just exactly where he was supposed to plant his hand when he was mid-air. If he tried to slam a hand onto the walls rushing by him he would shred his hand to ribbons. Planting it at the base of the ravine seemed like an equally silly proposition.

A window opened up and kept pace with him. “Having fun, darling?” Daemon asked sunnily.

He winked at his brother as he continued to scream with decreasing volume, and wrote, Let me know when it’s safe for me to abruptly disappear. No idea how keen that pervert’s eyesight is.

“Of course.”

I figure once I “die” and get swept away by that river, never to be found, I can make dinner. We’ll find out in the morning if it resets. Either way, there’s no way in hell I want to deal with this again. He’s wasted nearly an entire month trying for a single thing, and has done jack and shit about teaching me anything that would actually help in the third stage.

Daemon smirked, glanced off the other side for a moment, then said, “It’s safe to disappear.”

Tsuna stepped into his storage and shook his head. “Seriously? The fucker tried to use the threat of real death as motivation?”

Daemon’s window shot back up to focus on Jiraiya, who suddenly looked exceptionally worried.

Tsuna shrugged and headed for the kitchen area of his storage. He had a craving for Sakura Sojiro’s curry rice. “I swear, some of the things that man said are just insane. It’s like he was trying to tell me that chakra control was pointless and that I should become dependent on the Kyūbi’s chakra for everything. That sort of shit would cause any real skills to atrophy. It’d be as bad as how most of the Uchiha relied on the sharingan exclusively because of how it imprints skills and techniques.”

“Well, they do consider a jinchūriki to be a weapon for the village. And a weapon that can’t fire is useless,” Sin said.

“Oh noes!” he cried, looking distraught. “I’m firing blanks!”

Sin lurched forward to tickle him mercilessly, but Tsuna slid to the side. “Do not disturb the chef! In fact, you should help me. It ends up tasting better that way. Besides, no one knew that Kushina was the previous jinchūriki, so they sure as fuck weren’t having her bust out that chakra where fellow Konoha nin could feel it. Why me? Because Naruto is stupid?”

After an excellent meal they passed the remainder of the day playing increasingly weirder games of Cluedo and went to bed in good spirits.

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. He did the usual clone-step routine and got started on breakfast.

“So, actually participating in the third stage is a must,” Hayato commented, starting water for tea.

“Sadly, it seems so.”

“What does your intuition say?”

Tsuna shrugged. “I’m almost afraid to check. I did have an idea in the tower, at the end of the prelims, but stopped myself before it fully formed.”

“Didn’t want to jinx yourself,” Sin said, nodding.

“Well, we know that it is just Suna and Oto, and we know that Orochimaru didn’t leave the Kazekage dead in a ditch until after the contenders for the third stage were determined,” Chikusa said. “If you recall, last go, he made sure that lingering Oto nin conveniently died so he did not have an extra kage up in the Kage box, so we probably helped him this last time.”

“Did you guys get anything of use out of the pervert’s head? I was a little too busy being a troll to keep tabs,” he said, shuffling food to the table with Sin’s help.

“Not really. Yeah, he knows his stuff, but he doesn’t push at it. He’s far too content to maintain his spy network and invade the privacy of women so he can write more smut.”

“So we’ll just have to keep messing with it on our own,” he said. “Shadow clones can take the brunt of any mishaps. Knowing my luck, if I messed up personally, I’d summon Cthulu or Nyarlathotep from the void or something.”

“And then we’d have a cult to compete with the Jashinists,” Xeul said cheerfully.

More than a few people stared at him.

“Save that shit for kinky sex nights,” Ken said, then sipped his tea.

Xeul adopted such an innocent look that Tsuna was surprised there were no rainbows, butterflies, and frolicking unicorns in the background.

“Anyway, looks like I’ll be fighting in the third stage tournament. There’s not a chance in hell, no matter how well I performed, that Naruto would make chūnin, so I’m thinking I should display some more dumb luck. Besides, if I’m too competent, I’ll probably get hauled off to T&I to see who’s impersonating Konoha’s least-loved idiot.”

“And now really isn’t a good time to do a Fidelius, not when we’re staring at an invasion. We don’t need the shinobi here confused as fuck over their jinchūriki going missing rather than—well…”

“Last time they spent more time obsessing over that rather than use it as motivation to train harder. The only fucking reason we didn’t lose more shinobi was because of us getting involved.”

Tsuna showed up for the written exam wearing a bunny costume. The poofy tail at the back had bells in it, so he jingled softly everywhere, causing no end of annoyed looks (not to mention all the looks which stated clearly that they thought his brain must have melted).

He spent the time waiting for the exam to begin munching on carrots, because that’s what bunnies did, then settled in to write down his memorized answers in no time flat. Sadly, continuing to munch on his carrots would be upsetting to the others (too loud), so he flipped his sheet over and stared at the spotters, causing his fake whiskers to twitch every so often.

The utterly deadpan stare he had going was making some of the spotters very uncomfortable for some reason.

Later, gathered outside Training Ground 44, he was seen wearing a cat costume. There were a few odd people who questioned (quietly) how he had managed to change so quickly. Everyone _knew_ that Uzumaki Naruto was hopeless at genjutsu, so it couldn’t be that. (That no one ever then questioned how the boy was capable of a henge only proved what a pack of idiots the people of Konoha were. So much for looking underneath the underneath.)

He snacked on some chūtoro (and edged away from Chōji more than once) while Mitarashi was busy scaring the piss out of the genins. He finished up right about the time that teams were called to get their scrolls and tucked away his hashi and tray.

Sakura was staring at him in disbelief, apparently too weirded out by his behavior to waste as much time fawning over the Uchiha. She was so busy gaping that Tsuna was able to deftly grab and secure their scroll (Heaven) and start off for their gate.

Earth scroll in the usual place? he asked.

Already there, darling.

Awesome.

Things in the forest went more or less the same, except for the part where his Mists collaborated to mind-fuck Orochimaru into thinking he had planted a seal on the Uchiha, but in fact had just given it to a squashy yet firm pillow. The downside was that Sasuke was awake and spoiling for a fight. As entertaining an idea it was to see Duck-Butt get crushed in a sand coffin, Tsuna behaved himself and simply “found” the scroll they needed, not bothering to object when Sakura praised the Uchiha to the heavens for his masterful performance against that pale-skinned weirdo.

He wore a koala costume for his prelim match, which was again engineered to be against Kin. She was scheduled to die later, so he simply knocked her out (accidentally, of course) and won the match.

It wasn’t until they were readying to leave that the Hokage held him back to say, “Naruto, please tell me you won’t be wearing an animal costume during the third stage matches.”

Tsuna blinked slowly, then grinned toothily. “Course not, jiji! Nuh uh.”

The Hokage nodded in relief and off they went, back to the village proper.

Tsuna grabbed his lover’s hands and gave him a soulful look. “I need your help with my costume for the finals.”

“Vincent Valentine?”

He frowned. “I don’t think I can pull that one off. And what would I do with all that hair? Red is also so not my colour.”

“How about an Oompa Loompa?”

He wrinkled his nose. “I’m too tall.”

“You’re a blue-eyed blond. How about Cloud Strife?”

“Ooo. And no one will have a clue, so not having a fuck-off huge sword won’t be a problem. Awesome!”

They got started immediately. Sin, as always, was a demon when it came to sewing projects, so the costume was completed well before the month-long training break was up.

Tsuna glided into the stadium and up to the participants box decked out like an Advent Children version of Cloud Strife (minus the fusion sword, though it would have been cool to ride Fenrir). His hair had been lightened from the usual bright blond to more closely match Cloud’s—it was less of an eyesore, anyway.

He had clearly gone insane at some point, because the idea of being able to competently wield Cloud’s fusion sword was starting to look attractive, and he had always been rather pathetic when it came to any form of physical fighting that did not involve punching the shit out of things, with the odd kick or two thrown in for good measure.

They had decided they would do the same as the last go and meddle in the invasion to make things quite a bit easier on the Konoha nin. The only real difference between the last setback and this one was the order the fights would go in. Naruto v Neji would go first, rather than fourth, simply because he wanted to get it out of the way.

The Hokage gave his little speech (which Tsuna didn’t bother to listen to), then Tsuna and Neji (he really needed to think up a decent nickname for the boy) were called down to fight. As expected, Neji opened the match by trying to tear him down verbally.

Tsuna responded by looking bored, and wondered if it was possible for someone to talk themselves into a stupor. Perhaps he should have worn earplugs? ‘Oh, he’s moving. He looks so determined to kill me. He’s not much different from Gaara in some ways.’

Neji looked a bit put out when the rookie dead last tripped over nothing and miraculously managed to avoid so much as being brushed by the attack, and then stopped thinking entirely when he was knocked out from behind, his nearly 360º vision catching the blond boy recovering from his stumble with a flailing of hands that just so happened to hit him in the back of the neck.

Tsuna affected to look shocked, then incredibly proud.

Shiranui twitched his senbon to the other side of his mouth, contemplated the scene, then named Tsuna the winner when it was clear the Hyūga would not be getting up anytime soon.

“Awesome!” Tsuna screamed in a parody of happiness, then jogged off to rejoin the other chūnin hopefuls.

I have no words for what just happened.

All hail the Great Skull-sama! he wrote back. Just imagining the look on Sin’s face made him want to giggle maniacally. He could so rock purple! He was a Cloud, after all. Maybe next loop he could cosplay as Skull, instead. An anchored disguise for the makeup, hair, and eye colour, a quick five-finger discount at a leather shop that catered to bikers…

Kabuki-Boy, the pussy, forfeited once his match was called.

Was that because he doesn’t want to display all the tricks he packed into his puppet?

There was a short pause before he saw, Yes. He barely showed off any of it in the prelims, and he’s saving it for the invasion.

Tsuna discreetly rolled his eyes. Who won jan-ken and is standing by to erase Edo Tensei from Orochimaru?

Mukuro won.

He nodded slightly and eyed the fight between the Fan-User (as opposed to Fangirl), aka Four-Haystacks, against the Genius of Hard Work. Lee was bouncing around like a coked-up squirrel, making it quite difficult for Temari to get even a glancing blow. She simply wasn’t fast enough.

Eventually, Lee managed to blind her just long enough by glinting light off his perfect white teeth and get in a knockout.

“Winner, Lee Rock!” Shiranui called out. (Tsuna pretended he said Lee Rock, anyway, if only because it was nonsensical and disrespectful to have said Rock Lee.)

That was at least … interesting, he commented. Use of unconventional tactics for the win.

That’s hilarious coming from you.

Bun-Bun was called down to fight against the Nara boy, which would be either exciting or dead boring. He sat back in his seat, pulled a bento out of nowhere, and began to eat while chakra-hovering a book on the history of Kumo so he could read.

Amusingly enough, Duck-Butt and Hatake had yet to show up for the finals. He wondered if this Hatake had been intelligent enough to leave a shadow clone behind to dispel as a warning, to let them know it was time to stage a Grand Entrance™.

For that matter, where was Gaara?

He looked away from his book, scanning the participant box, industriously chewing on a slice of tamagoyaki, and spotted Sleep-Deprived intently watching the battle below, particles of sand skittering around restlessly.

Why the boy didn’t reek of blood he had no idea. All that talk of “Mother wants your blood” and the kid seemingly dissolving people inside his sand, leaving nothing behind… Where did it all go? He shrugged and went back to his reading.

By the time Gaara went loco and started to lose control over Shukaku, Tsuna was ready with a quick shift. He added a cadre of dancing sand bears to accompany the displaced Suna nin, tossed an illusionary teddy bear costume on the poor kid, tucked his book away, then dashed off to get lost in the crowd. Clones burst out of him in every direction, making it exceedingly simple for him to step over to his storage and be out of the line of fire.

He arrived in time to see the main show, that being the roof over the Kage box being encased with the Four Violet Flames Formation. He took a seat and chuckled when, after a bunch of pre-fight posturing had been bandied about, Orochimaru got a look of abject confusion on his face.

“And done,” Mukuro said.

Sin vanished, shot a whole bunch of people, then returned and took a seat. He then glared at Tsuna. “The Great Skull-sama? Really?”

Tsuna grinned. “I plan to cosplay as Skull on one of these backsteps. Hell, the Naruto before I woke up could be Skull’s long lost brother, except that Skull was quite a bit smarter.”

“Eh, true, he was. Is, actually,” Sin admitted. “And yes, I’ll help with a costume for that. Shall we continue to take out enemy nin, then?”

“Sure,” he said agreeably, not bothering to point out all those clones of his doing just that already.

“I heard that,” Sin grumped. “And I want to try a new tactic. The ultimate in assassination. Firing bullets through a window.”

Tsuna perked up; that would be cool.

He would like to say that severe injuries and deaths amongst the Konoha nin were at an all time record low, but…

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. “Okay,” he said after the usual clone formation and exit stage tactics. “Participating in the third stage doesn’t do it. Neither does making sure the old fossil lives. And, neither does ensuring that Duck-Butt doesn’t get that cursed seal. Shall we add more elements?”

“We should disable Root and off Shimura, for kicks, if nothing else. Imagine if we got whatever condition it was checked off, but that fossil was still alive,” Hayato said.

“Not a bad point,” Mukuro drawled. He exchanged a look with his fellow Mists, then eyed Tsuna.

“I’ll grab supplies after breakfast. We should probably tag all Root agents now. The question remains, liquefy Shimura now, or wait until the morning of the third stage? Shimura could use the invasion as an excuse to kidnap any number of people he’s had his eye on, assuming he was holding out hope for an opportune time.”

“With how little Naruto wanted to use his brain, I could easily see Shimura having promised him a way to get stronger and show up that arrogant Uchiha—or something—and sucked him right down that rabbit hole. If he could fake being sympathetic long enough to gain the kid’s trust, he could have slid the boy straight into an inhuman training regimen that would turn the kid into a blindly loyal puppet with exceptional skills.”

“Sure, after they beat the hyper out of him,” Ken said. “Or tried various drug cocktails, seals—well, maybe not seals. Anything used could conceivably interfere with the one holding the Kyūbi.”

“We never did spend any time dissecting the Root seal, so we don’t know how much of a hack job that might be,” Hayato said, placing a pot of tea on the table as Ken finished setting it.

“Maybe we could use a fake or controlled Shimura to transfer all control of Root operatives to the Hokage, liquefy Shimura, and see how that turns out? It won’t matter if Sarutobi starts asking questions about Shimura, since the man will have offed himself out of remorse or whatever. We should still see about studying that seal, to see how easy it would be to remove. Well, and acquire all those sharingan, plus that arm.”

Tsuna nodded. What they were going to do with all those eyes, though… They had quite the collection already of sharingan, and one set of rinnegan. “Which reminds me, we should go pluck Nagato’s eyes out and store them. Without those, half his plans fall apart. And while we’re at it, since my storage is disconnected from the normal time stream, I say we go give the Hyūga elders a surprise visit.”

His family all cackled and started planning.

A straight-faced Tsuna strutted into the written exam decked out in his Skull cosplay. Most of the people there wondered who this mystery Konoha nin was before he made himself uninteresting. He had made a few concessions. He had indigo shoulder, elbow, knee, and shin pieces instead of Skull’s pink, and he had skipped the piercing that led from his left earlobe to the corner of his mouth.

His hitai-ate had an orange cloth, which brightened the outfit a little. He skipped the teardrop under his eye. Sure, Tsuna had killed (and killed often), but these people would not understand the significance of it (any of its meanings) or its placement. The only people who knew that Naruto had changed his look were the other members of his team, and they passed it off as him being weird again.

Kabuto was dismayed when his set of nin info cards spontaneously caught on fire, but as there was no evidence to prove who might have had a hand in it, the matter was dropped.

Tsuna stifled a yawn and quickly wrote down the nine answers to the test, flipped the paper over, and started working on a sketch of the Sandaime Hokage, Jiraiya, and Hatake, all reading smut and giggling, just for something to do.

A quiet gasp off to the side alerted him to Hyūga Hinata having noticed, but he ignored that and continued to sketch away the remaining time until the tenth question was revealed. Of course, she could probably tell exactly who he was under the disguise due to her dōjutsu, but she wasn’t the sort to scream that out to the world at large.

You know, if we ever end up back here early enough, maybe we should give the kid a hand up. Poor thing has a wet noodle for a spine and all sorts of wrong thinking in that head of hers.

I suppose we could, flamed up in front of him. Reminds you a little of yourself?

In a way. It hits a little too close to home, so to speak. On the other hand, it sounds like it’d take a lot of time, and I’m not sure if she’d backslide when I experience the inevitable hilariously stupid death. If it happens, we’ll see about planning for it.

Just so you don’t start laughing if you see it, I altered Gaara’s outfit to have dancing teddy bears on it, and his gourd to have honeybees and hexagonal decorations.

Tsuna bit his lip as he continued to sketch, holding back his amusement. Okay, then.

Duck-Butt now has ducks on his outfit, but they’re rather subtle at the moment. We had a glorious argument over whether or not to make his sandals quack like ducks with each step, but figured that would be going a bit far.

Tsuna bit his lip harder. Illusion-style his hair to look more like feathers?

On it, darling.

“So, okay, month break. What shall we do aside from the usual in the event that we stop backstepping?”

“Fuck it,” Daemon said, “let’s go to the ruins of Uzushio. While I doubt there’s much of anything left to plunder, there might be something guarded by fūinjutsu. Uzu is off the eastern coast of Hi no Kuni, so we should have plenty of time to pick the place over. We got lucky when we found the information on your body’s mother’s Adamantine Chains. We might get lucky again and find something of value in the ruins.”

“I suppose we could cheat by sending a window on ahead, stepping to the new location, then repeating until we hit the coast,” he said. “We’d have to send a window out to the island, though. I’d rather not have to hire a boatman, and I’d prefer not to waterwalk that far.”

Daemon nodded.

“That being so, let me get some supplies made up. Though if you want to start on the leapfrogging, that’d be cool.” He headed over to the kitchen area to start work, mostly so they could have a picnic once they arrived at the site of the ruins.

Uzushiogakure was apparently (at least, according to what they had found in village books) built around a lake at the center of the island. The odds of the original roads from the docks to the village being in good condition were slim, but that wouldn’t matter to them. Hell, Tsuna could always reach back into λ15 if he really wanted to and track down one of those flying carpets that were considered verboten in wizarding Great Britain. Ride in style! Family-size carpets available!

India loved the things.

It was as they were walking along a badly damaged pathway to the once thriving village that Tsuna said, “I’ve figured out why I don’t like this subset of dimensions. There’s no music. The odd bells or chimes, sure, but there’s no actual music.”

“Huh,” Ken said, carefully stepping around a nasty gouge in the pathway. “You’re right. The music of nature is one thing, but that’s… That doesn’t really speak to the soul.”

He nodded. “Maybe I should learn how to play an instrument. Maybe a hammered dulcimer?”

“I’ll learn drums,” Ken declared. “Banging on shit sounds fun.”

Tsuna laughed merrily. “Sin strikes me as a guitar player. Or sax.”

“Maybe,” Sin allowed. “I’m thinking of the harp for Chikusa.”

Chikusa nodded agreeably.

“Daemon and Xeul already know how to play the flute,” he said, adding an obligatory, “damn that Asari.”

His twins scowled at him. “Piano for Hayato, of course.”

“Of course,” Hayato echoed. “But we could each learn more than one. Hell, with shadow clones, we could be our own orchestra.”

He opened a window on λ10 so he could ask Reborn for a favor. Thankfully, his friend and former “tutor” was having a cozy read, so Tsuna was free to say, “Ki-san~!”

The book went down, Reborn’s head came up, and a welcoming smile graced his face. “Heul. What’s up?”

“Lots of things,” he said, “but first, how are you doing?”

“Well. Things are a lot more boring without Samsara around, but well enough. Where are you poor bastards this time?”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “We’re ninja! And I am the container for a massive chakra beast that, if released, would rampage violently and cause untold destruction.” He spent the remainder of the walk to the ruins explaining their previous dimension, and how it differed from the present version of it. “As you can see, we’ve just arrived at the ruins of this body’s mother’s homeland.”

“Huh. It’s pretty, in a ruinous kind of way,” Reborn said. “Kind of like the passage of time between sunset and twilight, just in the colours. It must have been magnificent when it was still standing.”

“We’re hoping to find maybe something locked away, only available to someone of the blood. But, that isn’t why I opened the window. Any suggestions as to a good place to obtain various instruments? I was thinking of learning how to play a hammered dulcimer, the others have their own thoughts… And as Hayato pointed out, if we use shadow clones we can be our own orchestra.”

Reborn hummed. “Give me a few days, check back. I’ll have prices and all that, high quality source. I’d just need a list of what you want, the gold to cover it—because as much as I adore your cooking, I expect this is going to be painfully expensive—and I can arrange to get everything delivered so you can pick it all up.”

“Awesome! Wanna tag along for longer?”

“Sure.”

Tsuna absently shifted a slice of cake from the one sitting on the counter in his storage over to Reborn and took a good look around. “A lot of territory to cover,” he murmured, then created an army of shadow clones. “Start searching, guys. If you find anything we need to investigate, dispel.”

“Hai!” Clones scattered in all viable directions, eyes to the ground or roaming over various shattered buildings.

“I think I’m jealous,” Reborn said. “Those clones are Grade A alibi material.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s the kind of thing we can teach long distance,” he said, closely examining the floor in a half-destroyed building for any signs of fūinjutsu. “Besides, you’re already massively good at what you do. Not like you’re in any danger of losing your title.”

“Not the point!” Reborn protested, jabbing forward with his fork. “So why instruments?”

“There’s no music here. Nothing. The village we—well, I—live in is entirely devoid of any kind of music, and it’s creepy. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for me to finally realize what it was that bugged me so much. If nothing else, we can spare some time and clones toward learning instruments, gather up sheet music…”

“Boss!” called a clone, who then promptly dispelled.

Tsuna pressed his fingers against his temple as he assimilated the information, then nodded. “Found a large seal array. Let’s go check it out. I have a good feeling about this.”

“Of course you do,” Sin muttered.

Sure enough, the sealing array was blood based, so Tsuna cut himself and flicked blood all over the thing. He could always vanish the blood later, since the idea of cleaning it manually was ludicrous. Nothing happened for a few moments, but then the single remaining full wall cracked in multiple places.

He cocked his head to the side, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. It was like the wall was a multi-layered basketweave of stone, utilizing such precise cuts that it was next to impossible to see the seams when “closed”. The pieces slowly slid apart to reveal a square opening about six feet tall, more than generous for an average-height adult to pass through.

He leaned on his intuition, found neutrality, and shrugged. “Onward ho.”

Hayato darted on ahead, apparently in guardian mode, and lit the way for everyone else by sticking spheres of magic to the walls. Tsuna graciously let Sin and Daemon trundle on after Hayato before following, with the others bringing up the rear. Far be it from him to get in the way of his guardians when they were feeling feisty.

Blue-white light illuminated the room below, thanks to Hayato’s efforts. He could see torch brackets, but the torches within were so old that lighting them would probably just destroy the things. The room itself contained weaponry, standard enough shinobi gear, though all of it—after a closer look—had seals.

After deciphering them he realized the seals handled the sharpness of each weapon (where warranted) and the inherent stability or durability. “No reason to leave this stuff here. Let’s shift it to storage,” he said.

His family got right on that as he continued to examine the room. Sadly, there were no super secret messages in bizarre sealing arrays awaiting his gaze that would lead him to a treasure trove of rare and clan-only fūinjutsu. But maybe one of the clones would find another interesting spot to puzzle out and explore.

If nothing else, they could reverse engineer the seals for their own use. Then it wouldn’t matter if any Tsuna used during the loops got lost; they could always make more. “I suppose we’ll have to set up an armory section in my storage,” he muttered.

“A part of me is wondering what kind of money those would get over here,” Reborn said. “If they’d be considered ancient weapons due to some time differential.”

Hayato paused in his shifting efforts and said, “Huh. There is no real correlation timewise, since this is a feudal-type world with a bizarre mixture of electronics thrown in. That and how Heul keeps getting tossed back in time, seemingly, after each of these hilariously stupid loops.”

Tsuna shook his fist menacingly at his Storm.

“All right, we’re about done here,” Sin said. “How about we have lunch, and hope the clones find something else in the meantime?”

Everyone nodded, so they trooped on out, flicked a blanket into place, and broke out the food. Tsuna shifted a plate over to Reborn so as not to be rude, and because he quite liked the man. They spent the next half hour eating and socializing, catching up on events in λ10. Reborn begged off at that point (he had a date that afternoon), so after a round of farewells, Tsuna dismissed the window.

“All right, let’s get back to picking over these ruins.”

The real prize was under the presumed location of the Uzukage’s Tower, but that was not entirely unexpected. People had a tendency toward predictability. The tower would have been one of the village locations with (presumably) excellent security, so storing village secrets under it, or at least heavily restricted knowledge, only made sense.

There was scroll after scroll regarding fūinjutsu, and every last one of them was shifted to Tsuna’s storage. They would be scanned in, run through OCR software (or converted manually to text), and printed out to be bound into books for the shinobi library, as well as e-book copies added to the digital library.

While they were there they kicked around ideas for what the trigger might be. So far, it wasn’t:

  * Passing Stage One of the Chūnin Selection Exams
  * Passing Stage Two of the Chūnin Selection Exams
  * Participating in Stage Three of the Chūnin Selection Exams
  * Ensuring the Hokage survived the invasion
  * Ensuring Uchiha Sasuke was not given a Cursed Seal of Heaven



So what was left, aside from the (presumably) untenable issue of Uzumaki Naruto obtaining the rank of chūnin?

“Letting the old fossil die?” Chikusa suggested. “With Shimura out of commission, he wouldn’t be elevated. I rather think that Utatane Koharu and Mitokado Homura would prefer to be advisors and manipulate things in the background, though having lost Shimura’s backing, I’m not sure how effective they would be. And if we tweaked them, it would likely be a non-issue.”

“It’s an option we can test,” he said. “We should be tweaking them anyway each time, especially since we’re not using the Fidelius—yet. If we do get beyond this loop, I want it done immediately. Odds are, with the aftermath of the invasion to deal with, it’d be some time before anyone realized they no longer had a clue who has it.”

“Um… Performing the miracle of somehow trapping Gaara in a paralyzing field and fixing his seal? And then somehow beating it into his head that… Ugh.” Ken shook his head.

“Well, maybe,” Mukuro said. “Maybe in the sense that it has to do with Gaara and the other jinchūriki out there? But dealing with Gaara in some way—and not by simply shifting him out of the way—would allow you to progress to, uh, somehow dealing with the others? In a pseudo-Arcobaleno way? Or something.”

He hummed. “Forgive me for not recalling offhand exactly who the others are. I mean, I’ve just been so engrossed in my education and…”

Daemon sighed. “More like you didn’t see the point in memorizing that information.”

With a shrug he said, “This loop we’ll let the old man die and see what happens. I’d rather not test too many variables at once.”

His first attempts at playing the hammered dulcimer were, quite frankly, awful. But at least it didn’t sound like the yowling death cries of far too many feral cats. (No, that was Hayato attempting to learn the violin.) Managing to get even something as simple as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star out of his beloved band of nutjobs was going to be something of a miracle. Thank Kami for shadow clones.

Still, he was having fun. Hopefully, during one of the loops, Samsara could pop up somewhere in the village, put on a musical show, then vanish like a mirage gotten too close to. Maybe people would take the damn hint and get creative, start finding things to bang on and pluck and whatnot. Kami knew a little culture would not go amiss.

The most he had ever seen in this version of Earth was the use of sound as an attack of some form. Controlled, focused sound, such as the gauntlets of the Oto nin, or a melody to carry a genjutsu, piped from what he would consider a crude flute.

He shook his head and focused on his instrument again. Even as a rank tyro he could create beautiful notes, just not with any sense of coherency. As an experiment, he picked up his dulcimer, made sure to have his mallets in hand, then created a shadow clone. Tsuna grinned when he realized the clone had the same instrument.

“Right, try playing that,” he said, then watched as the clone set up and started tapping the strings. The sound rang true, so Tsuna created forty-nine more clones in the same way, and set them to work. His family, seeing the results of his experiment, did the same.

Given how many loops they might have to endure…

Tsuna once again demonstrated sheer dumb luck when it came to his first match. Neji was defeated in the same way, tripping over thin air, a flailing of arms, and an entirely too lucky chop to the back of the neck which rendered his opponent unconscious. Given that he was cosplaying as Skull, his look of “surprise” morphed into exuberant pride.

“You can take your so-called fate and shove it up your ass to replace the stick you have lodged in there,” he muttered as he bounded away to the competitor box. He suddenly settled down, as if recognizing that he was being too open in a public forum, in front of all those important people, and made out like he was being a proper ninja. One who kept failing to hide his smile entirely.

Kabuki-Boy forfeited again.

Anyone up for subtle sabotage of that puppet?

On it.

Fan-User versus Gai-Clone went about the usual. She simply could not keep up with his speed, and lost. Bun-Bun won against the Nara; also not a surprise. It once again highlighted just how lazy the kid was, and how likely it was he would die sooner rather than later, unless something happened to wake him the fuck up.

And then it was down to Duck-Butt and Tanuki-Teddy.

Next loop, I want eyes on that month. I want to know exactly what Hatake is teaching the kid.

Sure thing.

Kabuto set off his genjutsu right on schedule. Tsuna allowed himself to be “woken up” by a less than amused Yūhi, acknowledged orders to help evacuate civilians, and dashed off, clones materializing into existence as he went.

With Samsara not helping, not causing the barrier to fall, the Hokage had quite the fight on his hands. According to the report given by one of the clones, Sarutobi used the same seal the Yondaime had to seal the Kyūbi, except in this case, the old man sealed away Orochimaru’s arms.

His arms.

“Apparently he was shooting for the snake’s soul, but that didn’t go so well,” Sin said. “The most he could manage was the, uh, soul … of Orochimaru’s arms. To prevent him from using any techniques. Or something like that.”

Tsuna blinked owlishly. “All right, then. Guess we’ll see what day it is come morning.”


	7. λ26: 07: Konoha

## λ26  
07: Konoha

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. After stepping over to his storage he started breakfast. “So letting the old fossil die wasn’t it,” he said as his family materialized bodies for themselves.

“We could spend this loop working on that cursed seal,” Chikusa said as he set the table. “Maybe figure it out, how to remove it. Mitarashi is kind of a bitch, but that’s understandable. She is the only one we’re aware of who actively denied that thing’s power and refuses to use it. If we can figure it out, any time we end up in a Naruto world we could at least do her the favor of freeing her from a potential _Alien_ -style death.”

“Sure. No reason not to. She, unlike the Uchiha, isn’t a danger to everyone around her.”

“And plans for this loop’s exams?” Daemon asked.

“I was thinking…”

He left a clone with Duck-Butt and Banshee. If the kid got bitten again, so what? Tsuna and his family were having their own fun in the Forest of Death. Obvious defects were killed outright and their scroll(s) shifted to storage.

Others, such as Teams 8-10, were trapped in Bounding Boxes that hid them from outside view and prevented them from leaving for the full five days. They had enough water and rations to survive, but they would fail the second stage. To be complete trolls, they had been trapped in full view of the tower they needed to get to. They also had a clear view of what looked like fūinjutsu keeping them trapped, but wasn’t. And everyone knew that the only Uzumaki of Konoha was a complete idiot, so it was unlikely he would be blamed.

Team Sakabu was shifted back to the Land of Wind, at the extreme edge of their nation. Even with their advantages and speed, it would take more than five days to return to the exam, so they were out. Xeul had added a special something to the mix with that eye of his, and Gaara at present was far more interested in playing at the beach than getting back to “proving” his “existence”.

The only Konoha team to be wiped out was Kabuto’s. Orochimaru would simply have to get another pawn to set off the invasion.

On arriving at the tower after a suspiciously convenient scroll was found (found in the remains of another team, and which caused Sakura to go on a vomiting spree and pass out due to dehydration), his two teammates learned that they were the only team to make it through the second stage.

It was just another reason for Sasuke to assume he was hot shit and a bag of chips with a side of extra snaps.

Hatake, naturally, wanted nothing to do with teaching either Sakura or Naruto for the third stage tournament, not that it would be much of one. Everyone assumed Sasuke would win, because Naruto was a talentless idiot and Sakura would take a dive for her One True Love™.

With no grand battles to be had at the finale, no one from outside Konoha even bothered to show up as spectators. Tsuna was pitted against Sakura, but forfeited.

“Hey, she hits me all the time for no reason at all,” he shouted, “and I’m not gonna let her hit me now! I forfeit. She can fight the Uchiha.”

The disappointed looks and glares (and booing) slid right off him as an extremely nervous Sakura went down for her match against Sasuke. Hatake, in his infinite wisdom, had said to her in a low voice, “Make it look good, or…”

He never did find out what Hatake had planned as punishment, as Sasuke obliterated her in a five seconds flat and “won” the tournament, at which point the invasion began.

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. Once in his storage he said to his awakening family, “Since we did not manage to figure out that cursed seal yet, we’ll just do something silly this time. Ideas?”

“Well…”

Tsuna used an anchored disguise for his role in things. There was no way in hell he would wear such things for real of his own free will, nor would he alter his appearance such for anything other than to be a troll.

When he bounced up to the academy to begin participation in the Chūnin Selection Exams he was a dead ringer for a Maito Gai fan (or brainwashed minion). While he had no particular reason to disparage either Maito or Lee, they were something of a public nuisance, as much or more so than Naruto generally had been.

He aimed a youthful smile and upraised thumb at his two teammates, blinding them momentarily, then bounded inside. Team Gai was playing at being much weaker than they were and had “fallen” to the genjutsu.

“My youthful companion!” Tsuna cried as he bounded up to Lee. “Shall we be youthful together!?”

“Youth!” Lee cried in surprise, then blinked his owlish eyes on seeing how Naruto appeared. Another cry of “Youth!” was followed by tears of joy from the Gai-clone.

“Youth!” Tsuna cried back, blinding everyone with his smile. Somehow Lee took that to mean, “I will see at the youthful first stage, my youthful companion!”

Tsuna was treated to Lee’s blinding smile and upraised thumb before the kid bounded off toward the stairs leading to the third floor. The third floor all potential participants were supposed to be heading to rather than being faked out by a genjutsu and poor maths skills. Neji and Bun-Bun exchanged a look, then followed more slowly.

Sakura and Sasuke came in during all that and were a little too weirded out for Sasuke to bother revealing what anyone with a brain had already figured out. Instead they headed up the staircase, only to be waylaid by Lee, who strutted on over to Sakura.

“Hi. My name is Lee Rock. So yours is Sakura…”

Tsuna wanted to get out some popcorn, but he had never in his Elemental Countries lives seen popcorn being consumed. It was a shame.

“Let’s go out together!!!” Lee declared, using the classic Nice Guy™ pose. “I’ll protect you ’til I die!!”

“No … way,” she said. “You’re lame.”

Lee wilted and hung his head.

That, of course, led to Lee challenging Sasuke to a fight—because what else do hormonal young men do?—and was in the process of soundly thrashing the kid in an effort to make the pink-haired one look on him with admiration when his sensei stepped in with that “I’m so disappointed in you” look.

“Youth!” Tsuna cried, on seeing sensei and student make up. He still had no idea how the Sunset Genjutsu of Youth was being generated, but seeing people fall to the ground stricken by it or huddled in the corner mumbling about trauma was worth it.

“Youth!” came the answering cries of Maito and Lee.

Tsuna flashed his own Nice Guy™ pose and bounded off to haul Sasuke up and drag him toward the exam room, with Sakura trailing behind a bit despondently.

“Yosh! Kakashi-sensei,” he cried joyfully. “It is so youthful of you to be here! To see your youthful team enter the youthful Chūnin Selection Exams!”

Hatake blinked his one visible eye slowly and, apparently having forgotten what he was going to say in the face of such mind-bending weirdness, waved them on into the room without saying a word.

Inside Tsuna jogged in place and praised his disguise technique. How Maito and Lee managed not to stink like old gym socks after wearing spandex all day…

During the month break we can investigate the seal Mitarashi has, he was informed. Though, it’s likely an earlier version of what the Uchiha ends up with. It’s still a decent start to figuring out what he’s using now, and we can always spy on the Uchiha when he’s sleeping.

All right, he wrote, then shot a blinding smile at Lee, who had entered with his teammates. And if anyone asks Kabuto about me when he whips out those cards, make sure it says I’ve become a recent convert to the Maito Gai Power of Youth™ training program.

Will do, darling.

A few minutes later, after Kabuto had had time to bamboozle the first-timers with his incredible knowledge (that only a spy would have in many cases, not that any of them, not even the Nara, had the sense to question it), Morino showed up along with the spotters and did the usual intimidation routine.

Tsuna was lucky enough to get a back row seat, all the way at the end. He had to wonder how the front rank even managed to pass if they weren’t quick thinkers with the talents to back that up. That is, unless they were lucky enough to be close enough to get unobtrusive eyes on someone who could spot the plants and copy their answers.

He didn’t bother to answer any of the questions that time, because there was no point in doing so. Instead he started doodling Maito and Lee and himself doing youthful things, complete with word bubbles proclaiming the Power of Youth™. He made sure to put little sparkles in the appropriate places.

In the forest he sent a flame clone intermingled with a shadow clone (so it was both durable and able to use chakra) to declare, to Orochimaru, that he would defeat the traitor with the Power of Youth™!

His clone was knocked out, dragged underground, and left to die.

Sasuke was given another cursed seal, Sakura nearly lost her mind over being stuck in the Forest of Death with her One True Love™ knocked out with no guarantee of surviving, and actually smiled tremulously when the clone popped back up again, complete with the scroll they needed, and said, “Youth!”

One of the Oto nin who had been sent after them got in a lucky shot with his sound-based attacks and blew Sasuke’s head off while he was still unconscious. At least Samsara didn’t have to worry about collecting and storing the eyes, or destroying them, or killing the defect.

Needless to say, their team washed out. The three Oto nin had gone deathly pale and fled.

Tsuna simply shrugged out of Sakura’s line of sight. It’s not like they wouldn’t be alive again when the loop reset come morning.

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. “This is getting seriously annoying,” he said to his family as he pondered what to make for breakfast.

“Unfortunately, we weren’t given the chance to study the Uchiha’s cursed seal, so…”

Tsuna nodded and sighed. “Need to come up with another way to troll the masses. And, you know, not let Duck-Butt kick it during the exams.”

“That clone combo you made was impressive,” Daemon said.

“And it neatly solves the issues both have,” Sin added.

He smiled, pleased that he had managed to come up with another neat trick. “We could always look into some kind of fūinjutsu that would allow a shadow clone to gather chakra, deflect killing blows, and the like. I don’t know if a seal would work on a construct made entirely from chakra, though. Then again, Adamantine Sealing Chains are capable of holding a bijū hostage, and they’re chakra constructs, too.”

“But those chains _are_ chakra,” Hayato pointed out. “Seals are not, even if you use a chakra-rich ink, like blood.”

He sighed. “Yeah…”

“So we try to create seals purely from chakra?” Sin suggested. “Weren’t there references to that in the stuff we found in the ruins of Uzushio? No method, but still.”

“I wonder what would happen if we tainted the water of all the enemy nin with malaclaw venom,” Ken said suddenly.

Everyone paused for a moment in thoughtful shock, then laughed. Tsuna laughed merrily, of course, and his Mists cackled.

“That could be way more fun than trolling them directly,” Hayato eventually said, still chuckling a bit.

Tsuna opened a window to λ15 and snagged a bottle of the stuff from a shop in Knockturn Alley and set it down at the far end of the counter. “I shudder to think how many mackled malaclaws had to have been ‘milked’ to get even this much venom.”

“Well,” Daemon said, “we will dose the Sabaku team first, then Kabuto’s, and go from there. Should we hit the Banshee as well?”

“…Maybe just a little? A tiny bit? There’s no cure for the stuff, so hers should wear off a lot earlier with less. Everyone else, though… At least the five days in the forest, if not the prelims, assuming enough teams make it to the tower for there even to be prelims.”

His Mists started plotting, so he continued on with breakfast, having decided on a modified Full English. He was not a fan of blood sausage, for one. But some nice hash browns and some toast would go nicely, and he preferred New England-style baked beans over that tomato abomination the English favored. He shuddered just thinking about it.

Things went about as usual during the written phase of the exams. Tsuna doodled pictures of Morino intimidating everyone and anyone. There were plenty of instances of various ninja pissing themselves—or worse. It helped to pass the time. He had ended up next to Hinata again, and the poor girl was beside herself. With her dōjutsu active in order to get the answers she couldn’t help but see what he was drawing.

When they got to the second stage, had their scroll, and were waiting at their gate for everyone to get into position he saw, Everyone is getting dosed now. A little mind-fuckery here, a bit of time turning there…

Tsuna held back a snort of amusement. And the Banshee?

We’ll get her last. Don’t be surprised when we show up briefly to ensnare her, Duck-Butt, and the gate guard.

What gates did Gaara’s team get? And Kabuto’s? I forgot to check.

Thirteen and thirty-four.

Tsuna opened up windows so he could keep an eye on them and waited with infinite patience for his family to show up to fuck Sakura over, and for the second stage to begin.

Sakura’s hair kept getting caught on every available bit of flora as they moved through the forest. She had all manner of stuff tangled in the pink, been whipped in the face with flexible branches, had tripped countless times, and the red of her outfit was thoroughly muddied. Considering she generally did fuck all during the second stage of the exam, her minor misfortunes should not skew things too badly. And even if it did there was always the next loop.

Kabuto’s team fared worse. Kabuto’s glasses had been shattered within the first ten minutes, which pissed the kid off something fierce. One of his two fellow traitors broke his leg shortly after and the third stumbled into a spider’s web and alerted the denizens of that sector to their bumbling.

Within moments there was a whole pack of massive spiders flinging webs and bundling those three up as an All You Can Sip Buffet for later. Possibly an All You Can Suck Buffet. It would depend on how cultured the spiders were.

Gaara’s team was besieged by an enemy that no one would particularly enjoy fighting. Somehow the sand that Gaara controlled had gotten into everything—their supplies, their hair, their clothes, their underthings, and worse.

The redhead was near to ripping his own hair out that not all of the sand was obeying his will. It was not a surprise that his reaction was to crush anything and everything that got in his way—trees, wildlife, other genin teams…

The real surprise for Tsuna was seeing an all female team of genin essentially go fangirl on Gaara and start chasing him, screaming out, “Gaara-kun! We want to have your babies! Stand still so we have make some!”

It just wasn’t a surprise that when it came time for the prelims, Gaara crushed his opponent in five seconds flat, then stomped off grumbling, casting narrow-eyed looks at the female genin who had managed to make it that far.

Tsuna woke up to see a very familiar ceiling that belonged to a very familiar shithole. With a sigh he stepped over to his storage and got started on breakfast.

“I’ve been thinking,” Chikusa said as he set the table. “Mukuro mentioned something about your body’s memories, from before you woke up. It … caught my attention.”

He glanced over his shoulder; Chikusa was sporting a thoughtful frown.

“Naruto used the Kyūbi’s chakra on the Wave mission, when he thought Sasuke had been killed. You don’t use it, but why would you? The thing is, from what we’ve been learning about the other jinchūriki, I have to wonder if these chakra beasts are more than mere beasts. Look at Gaara. He’s always going on about what ‘Mother’ wants, which strongly implies that the Ichibi talks to him.”

Tsuna paused for a moment at that.

“So, you’re thinking that all the bijū are … sentient?” Mukuro said.

“Quite possibly. True, Gaara cannot sleep lest the Ichibi take over, and one sure path to insanity is a lack of sleep. He could just be hearing voices. Still, it lends some weight to the idea that the bijū are sentient. History regarding Ōtsutsuki Hagoromo says that he split the Jūbi into the nine beasts we know of. Also said is that the Jūbi was the result of Ōtsutsuki Kaguya merging with the God Tree of this world. Whether or not that is true is only somewhat relevant. The potential behind it still suggests the same thing, that the bijū are not mindless beasts.”

“So what we do with that?” Ken asked.

Daemon eyed Tsuna thoughtfully. “Your mind is a fortress, darling. I would like to think—especially as technically, we’re all in there with you—you could withstand any attempts by the Kyūbi to mess with you. Provocations, mind-fuckery, and so on.”

“So, what?” he said. “Meditate and try to figure out where the connection is? Which reminds me, we have the opportunity to try to get this seal diagrammed again. This body is, what, thirteen? We have a few years, or however many loops, so long as I ensure we make it to the third stage.”

“Then after breakfast we can have another go at it,” Xeul said. “Add to what we already have. If we knew what it was supposed to be beyond… Yeah, I can see where the whole issue of sentience is a problem. That seal erased the Kyūbi, sucked out all its chakra and made it yours. A chakra beast with no chakra is nothing. If it really is sentient, the seal basically used your body to murder the thing.”

“There’s a pleasant thought,” he muttered, then brought breakfast to the table with Sin’s help. “So, goals this loop. Danzō and Root, the seal, and trying to see if I can communicate with the Kyūbi.” He let out a sigh and began to eat. “Oh, and instruments. See if we can’t ram some culture down their throats.”

After they were done eating, Ken took care of the dishes while Tsuna had a lie down so Hayato, Chikusa, and Sin could examine his seal. His Mists went off to cause trouble. In the background was the discordant sound of many, many shadow clones all practicing on their instruments.

“On a side note, let’s arrange for me to be up against Kabuki-Boy this time.”

“Oh?” Hayato said. “Reasoning?”

“I’m curious to see if he’ll forfeit again, for one. I imagine he will, but who knows? Uzumaki Naruto is a complete fuck-up with one technique to his name and can’t even properly use taijutsu. He might think it’d be worth it to trounce the idiot without even using that puppet.”

“He uses poisons,” Ken pointed out.

“So I carry some bezoars. We can also run some tests during the training month to see how this body responds to various poisons of this world. Or I do the sensible thing and use magic to filter all the air I breathe, and have an invisible set of armor protecting my skin. Or my version of a rebreather using Earth, Mist, and Cloud, though admittedly, that was geared toward breathing underwater.”

“All right, point taken,” Hayato said indulgently. “We could also work on some kind of seal to accomplish the same.”

“There’s also me, _Edging_ , and taking care of any issues,” Sin said absently as he sketched out another section of the seal.

“There is no such thing as overkill,” he said sagely. “And speaking of which, the next time we get stuck in our original subset, what say we consider pranking the everloving fuck out of the old man and his stuck up guardians?”

Sin gave him a look so full of love it was like a huge cat sitting on his chest and purring like a rusty lawnmower.

“Could it be as simple as entering my mindscape and imagining a door there?” he wondered.

Daemon latched onto him and smiled. “Let’s go find out! Because really, you don’t think we’d let you go speak to a nine-tailed chakra beast all by your lonesome, do you?”

Tsuna snorted. “Hardly. Do you think a chakra beast would appreciate a nice meal?”

Sin rolled his eyes. “Of course you would ask that.”

“It’s supposed to be a fox,” Ken said. “I assume it would like any raw meat, but I can’t see you just hacking up the nearest cow and serving steak tartare. Foxes are omnivores, and during certain times of the year, may subsist on fruit alone.”

Tsuna considered that for a short time. “I could always make some mango chicken stir fry, pinapple chicken teriyaki, maybe pork with apples…”

“All of it?” Mukuro asked hopefully.

“Wait a minute,” Chikusa said. “Is it even possible to bring anything other than a mental representation of something into your mindscape?”

He shrugged. “It’s a seal, right? It contains something. And if it doesn’t work, perhaps a representation of something I know the taste of will work well enough. That being so, I’ll make all three, enough for us plus a large serving of each for the Kyūbi. That, however, we can use a stasis spell on in case it’s not possible to literally bring it with us. If this is more like an astral projection-type deal, well… Otherwise, I’ll offer it. The interior of a containment seal may count as just another sub-dimension.”

Everyone nodded, but of course, someone just had to state the obvious. Xeul smiled sunnily as he said, “And if it is, I suppose we should set up some sort of waste-vanishing system?”

Tsuna groaned and headed to the kitchen part of his storage, Sin right behind him.

“If nothing else,” Sin said, “we can eat and enjoy it, and we’re not even alive, really, not exactly, so I see no reason why a tailed-beast couldn’t do the same.”

Tsuna, after an orgy of cooking and a mighty fine lunch, turned inward so he could poke around in his mindscape. The “rooms” where his family resided were given a once-over, but they contained nothing he did not expect. That being so, he ventured outward, harmonizing his way through an exterior wall (no point in making a door that might serve as a back door for an unwelcome party).

Out in the vast nothingness of his mindscape (a view that would possibly have been quite appropriate during those times he was sealed) all he could sense-see was the suggestion of a neural network and electricity humming along happily.

He leaned on his intuition and followed where it led. One more step and he switched from nothingness to a sewer system of sorts. After sending the signal and watching his family materialize into place he said, “Conduits not for water or sewage, but for chakra, perhaps?”

Sin’s nose wrinkled. “The tile work is a bit boring, tesoro. It’s your mind. Perhaps make it look a bit nicer?”

Tsuna rolled his eyes. His lover was such a snob. He started walking, letting his intuition nudge him along, until they arrived in a very large “room”. One entire wall was dominated by floor to ceiling bars, thicker at the center, where a small seal rested along the seam, and to either side was ornate metal scrollwork.

Beyond it was darkness, showing only a set of massive, shadowed eyes and a Cheshire grin full of large, sharp teeth.

“Come closer,” a thick, heavy voice rumbled.

“Do I honestly look that stupid?” he asked, absently noticing that he was in his Naruto form rather than the one he considered his own.

The Kyūbi—for what else could it be—seemed to notice the others, for it moved forward and revealed itself. It was a massive nine-tailed fox … with rabbit ears?

Tsuna cocked his head to the side. “If you’re interested, I brought along some food. And no, I don’t mean myself or my companions.” He pulled the extra food he’d made from storage and slid it through the bars.

He just knew that his family was betting that his facility with food in general would be an excellent way to gain the neutrality of the Kyūbi, if not a certain level of friendliness. “If there’s any food in particular you would prefer, let me know. I went with what I knew of foxes, which is that they are omnivores and generally subsist on meat and fruit.”

The Kyūbi gave him what amounted to a seriously confused look, then eyed the three plates of food. After a long pause, it lowered itself so it could better sniff the offerings, then take a sample. After another long pause, during which everyone just stared, the Kyūbi snarfed up all three offerings and then sat on its haunches.

“Was the food acceptable?” he asked.

“It … wasn’t bad,” the Kyūbi allowed, then adopted a suspicious look. “You’re not trying to bribe me for my chakra are you? Because that won’t work.”

Tsuna snorted. “Like I need it. Have you not noticed how much I already have? Or are you unable to sense much from here?”

The Kyūbi snorted back. “Of course I can sense how much, but you fleshbags always want more. Why would you be any different.”

His family responded by laughing themselves silly as the Kyūbi looked on in confusion.

“Something tells me—” His intuition, but the Kyūbi didn’t need to know that. “—that you can sense emotional states, which would explain why you are not attempting further to intimidate someone who is clearly not frightened nor intimidated.”

The Kyūbi snorted again and lowered itself, crossing its front paws. Tsuna could almost imagine the beast wearing a set of spectacles.

“If certain people in this village had their way, they would push me to depend only on your chakra, which is not something I will allow. They do not seem to realize that by doing so, it is an admission on their part that they see no worth in me, hold no faith in me, and see me only as the human conduit of a weapon they could not otherwise control.”

The Kyūbi wrinkled its nose. “You must admit you have been quite stupid your entire life. There’s precious little reason they would think otherwise.”

“True, but that was before I awoke,” he said, which only made the Kyūbi confused again. “Let me tell you a story.” A gesture to his Mists saw a large screen pop into place, basically so he could project memories onto it, like a modified pensieve. He limited what he showed to the previous life as Naruto, plus the memories of the present life’s loops.

“As you can see, I have already acquired your chakra, previously. That is what the seal the Yondaime designed will do by the time this body is sixteen. However, it was conjectured, due to the way the container for the Ichibi speaks, that the tailed beasts are sentient, and therefore the ultimate result of the seal is murder.”

“Which would be fine, of course,” Daemon said, “assuming you actually deserve to die. You did attack Konoha, after all, for reasons no one is aware of, aside from assuming that all bijū are mindless, ravaging beasts. Rabid, if you will. If you are a defect, we have no issue with your death. If not, there is a clear problem. Myths are one thing, but reality is often something else.”

“Considering Shinigami was involved…” The Kyūbi trailed off, unhappily it seemed.

“We can prevent anyone knowing I contain you, but that does not solve the basic issue. As it stands, with time, you will be no more, aside from the half of you currently residing in the stomach of Shinigami.”

“I wonder what Pein’s reaction would be to being dragged here right before we pluck out his eyes and lop his head off,” Ken mused.

Tsuna laughed merrily. “We could, but we’d have to replace his eyes first, use a chakra disruption seal so he couldn’t use any techniques, and see if he pisses himself being faced with the Kyūbi. But only after we use him to assemble the others so we can off the defects and destroy the Gedō Mazō. We need to stay on top of that each loop in the event that the loops end.”

“Of course, darling.”

“Do you maintain some level of contact with your … siblings?” he asked. “You were, according to myth, one being at one point, split into nine. It stands to reason that there is a connection.”

“…I’m not talking to you right now,” the Kyūbi said. “Come back in a week.”

There was a wave of chakra and they all found themselves back in the real world.

“Huh.”

“I think you got a good start on getting through to him, tesoro.”

“Hopefully. If the Kyūbi is staring death of self in the face no matter what, should nothing change…”

Danzō and Root were seen to, the Hyūga elders (bar Hiashi) suffered a terrible accident (what that wood chipper had been doing there was anyone’s guess), and Akatsuki was wiped off the face of the planet (bar Pein, who was subjected to eye surgery, chakra disruption seals, and the Draught of Living Death until further needed).

Tsuna had shunted meals to the seal’s interior, to the Kyūbi’s cage, every day. Now that he had been there he could open a window to it, treating it as just another sub-dimension. It made him wonder…

“If you could simply shift the Kyūbi outside the seal?” Mukuro asked.

“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “The Fidelius wouldn’t help long-term, but an area could presumably be warded for it to have a safe retreat. It all depends on why it attacked and what it would do if free. No point in creating a haven if it would just use it to hide from the consequences of its malicious actions.”

“Hopefully it’ll tell us,” Chikusa said, “but it may be under the impression we’re trying to mind-fuck it. If it persists in hiding its motivation for the attack on Konoha, we may have to assume it is a defect and allow the seal to consume it.”

“On a side note,” Xeul said, “has it struck anyone else as a bit odd that two parts of the Chūnin Selection Exams are proctored by the two top T&I specialists? Do other villages do this?”

“We’ll have to check,” he said, then rolled his eyes. “Well, assuming we eventually get beyond the loop. They’re what, every six months? We’ve only seen one example. Maybe other villages have more interesting exams. Maybe if we get bored enough with these loops we can reprogram certain people to change things up during this one.”

“The first tests information gathering,” Hayato said, “and the realization that you don’t always get to choose whether or not to take a mission. The second is survival and the willingness to defeat or kill others to accomplish the mission. The third is just a showcase designed to attract customers, plus give some time toward showing off strategy.”

He shrugged. “We’ll just have to think about it. It’s been a week, so let me do some cooking and we can go visit the fox again.”

Some time later they all shifted into the seal, to the spot in front of the Kyūbi’s cage. Tsuna slid a meal through the bars and watched as the fox came into view. It ate the food, settled itself, and said, “I have decided to cooperate.”

His brow went up. “In what sense?”

“I attacked—both times—because I was being controlled by those cursed eyes. You and yours feel no hesitation in destroying members of the Uchiha.”

“We have built up something of a collection of eyes, I admit,” he said.

“And none of you have ever used them.”

“Didn’t see the point,” he replied. “Just like I didn’t see the point in using those shiny rinnegan we acquired, or any byakugan. In this world, at this point in time, there are two people who have sharingans, Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Sasuke, and Sasuke is looking at a death sentence the second it becomes convenient.”

“Because of his eyes?”

Tsuna shook his head. “That curse mark, if you remember. Unless we figure out a way to remove it, he will always be an avenue for Orochimaru to be reborn, just like Mitarashi Anko and any other unfortunate soul he gave that cursed seal to. The fact that Sasuke turned out to be a bit of a psycho last time is the other reason. His brother really did a number on him, and the idiot people of the village did him no favors, either.”

“So Madara and Swirly—as we have never established that they were the same person—both used the sharingan to control you?” Daemon asked.

The Kyūbi nodded.

“Well that’s one hell of a weakness,” he muttered. “I have to assume if it works against you, your siblings would be likewise vulnerable. What a mess.”

We must assume that it’s being truthful given that your intuition doesn’t seem to be objecting.

He dropped his chin for a moment in agreement. “On a side note, do you consider yourself to have a gender?”

The Kyūbi gave him another one of those looks. “Yes, male.”

“Okay. On a side note, next loop we should let Sakura make it to the third stage, just so she can embarrass herself in front of so many dignitaries. But not as an obvious prank. They’d just assume I had something to do with it. Maybe a bye.”

“Do you have access to your siblings?” Daemon asked, trying to get an answer for an earlier question.

“Yes, of a sort. We can communicate if we wish.”

“I just had an idea,” Sin said. “What if we make each bijū the Secret Keeper for another, in a round? They might not be able to spend much time physically in the same place, but… They would all be safe from those who sought to use them, such as any Uchiha we aren’t aware of.”

“The Ichibi is insane,” Chikusa pointed out, “though Gaara turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Sure, that old lady sacrificed her life-force to bring him back after that weirdo got the drop on the kid and the bijū was extracted…”

“Shukaku is not so much insane as childish,” the Kyūbi said. “He’s never quite forgiven me for insisting that the strength of a bijū is measured by the number of their tails. He, like many of my siblings, holds humans in contempt for the way we’ve been treated, with only rare exceptions singled out.”

“So he can be reasoned with,” Mukuro said. “We could set up a circle where each of you protects the next, and since you are all effectively immortal, it would last. None of you would be shoved into the Gedō Mazō—which no longer exists, by the way—none of you would be used as weapons, and no one would have a clue who held any of you. Once your hosts died by whatever means, you would each be free.”

“Which is all fine and good,” Chikusa said, “so long as none of you did anything to cause humans to hunt you again. And we would need to get the Kyūbi out of this seal first, otherwise one of the bijū would be unprotected as the Kyūbi would be no more in a few years.”

“Kurama,” the Kyūbi said. “My name is Kurama.”

Tsuna smiled. “Kurama, then. There’s a number of details we would have to work out to get this idea to function. Would you be willing to sound out your siblings, see if they would agree to this? If they are, we would have to do some shifting around in secret, long enough for each bijū to be implanted with the Secret for the next, all the way around. If any bijū is friendly with their jinchūriki, we could ensure that human was made aware again. And if you can all communicate on some level despite the difference, each bijū could tell the Secret they hold to the rest, so all of you as siblings would remain aware of each other.”

“Where would you … shift … me to?”

Tsuna turned to his family. “We’ll have to find a spot and ward the everloving fuck out of it, using time turners as necessary, shadow clones, the works. We only have a little less than three weeks to get all this accomplished, assuming the other bijū agree to the plan. Surely there’s a forest we can coopt for this.”

“We also have to keep in mind that Orochimaru has been planning to use the Ichibi as a weapon in the upcoming invasion,” Daemon said. “True, we’ll be taking care of him, but if the Ichibi is agreeable, perhaps he’ll no longer threaten to take over every time that poor kid starts to nod off.”

“The only other people who would need to know is us. We’d have to, to get this set up in the first place. We can’t very well implant a Secret into a being we aren’t aware exists. Is a forest okay for you?”

Kurama nodded.

Tsuna opened a window and started poking around Hi no Kuni, looking for a likely spot. “We can use a spherical ward, so that even an attempt at using some of those earth techniques to burrow in would be useless.”

“The only real danger I can think of would be jikūkan like the hiraishin or Swirly’s deal, and what we can do,” Hayato said, also poking around with a window.

“That’s all fairly rare, though,” Chikusa said.

“How about this?” he said, moving so that Kurama could see what was in his window. “It’s not massive, but it’s a fair amount of territory. You wouldn’t be confined to it, but unless you can shapeshift, leaving the borders would probably cause a whole lot of people to faint in a puddle of their own piss, or attack.”

The forest he had located was at least the size of the Forest of Death, which was no small amount of land. There were also no villages nearby.

“It looks suitable,” was all Kurama had to say.

“Awesome! In that case, we will get to warding the forest while you talk to your siblings. Even if they don’t agree, we will shift you out of the seal to that forest. Hopefully… Hopefully that won’t kill us both. I mean, if I die it’s not that big of a deal, but…”

The next week was spent in furious preparation. Shadow clones were everywhere! Ward stones were acquired from λ15 (mostly to save time) and set in a perimeter just inside the proposed boundary, plus a much larger one set just below the surface at the exact center of the area, but only after Chikusa and Ken had spent hours carving in the correct rune sequences.

Animals of the forest were contained, in case Kurama was feeling peckish. Clearly he could eat, but given that he was a beast comprised of chakra and a mind, he could probably do just fine with nothing or sampling the natural chakra of the world. It made him wonder if it was possible for Kurama to regenerate the yin chakra that had been sealed away in Namikaze.

The ward stones had been altered to function off chakra rather than magic, though they primed them with both. Tsuna had also, after taking a ward stone into the seal to ask Kurama to hit it with his demonic chakra to see what would happen, added a little something to prevent them from being eroded that way.

Kurama could still pass through the barrier, but no one could use demonic chakra (if that was even something that could be stored up) to negate the protections from the outside. If someone like Swirly existed, it was conceivable that the stones could be shifted away, breaking the ward, but no protection was one-hundred percent perfect, and that assumed anyone would even recognize the ward stones for what they were.

Back in the seal they faced Kurama once again.

“They will cooperate, if and only if you can successfully remove me from this prison.”

Tsuna nodded. “Awesome. Then let’s do it. If we die, well, we’ll be back and have to go through this explanation all over again. I’ll keep a window open here, and shift you from the outside, from the forest itself.”

Samsara vanished from the seal and shifted over to the warded forest. Tsuna took a breath, absently noting that his intuition was not raising any kind of alarm—nor had it been since they conceived the plan—and shifted the Kyūbi from the seal’s interior to the space in front of him.

Kurama blinked, stretched, and settled down.

“That was a bit anticlimactic,” Ken observed. “Which is good, don’t get me wrong. Not having to wake up to that shithole again so soon…”

Tsuna hummed. “Now, let’s have a meal. That was a bit more tiring than I expected.” He shifted in equipment and supplies and got to cooking, Sin stepping up to give him a hand. A short time later they were seated a table someone had shifted in, and Kurama had a tray of his own containing a good-sized portion of food.

Once they were done stuffing themselves and everything had been put away Tsuna said, “Who would you like to be Secret Keeper for?”

Kurama shrugged. “Shukaku is right in Konoha. Might as well be him.”

“Does Gaara have any clue what’s been decided?”

Kurama shrugged again.

“Right, so the use of a paralytic is in order, just in case,” he said. “After we have Shukaku protected and you share the secret to us and the rest of your siblings, we can determine who Shukaku would prefer to protect.”

The information they gained from having to enter the seals all the bijū were contained in was carefully squirreled away in the event they had to do this all over again, either shortly in the case of the loop resetting, or later if they ended up in a Naruto world again, by all of Samsara in safe spots of memory.

All the bijū were open to letting their containers in on the Secret, so no one suddenly forgot the reason they may or may not be hated, though none of them were allowed to know the identity of the one actually doing the work. No one needed to know that Naruto himself was behind all of this.

All in time for the third stage of the exams. Was it any wonder that certain people were running around like chickens with their heads cut off? At least the old fossil was not an issue, though Sarutobi was trying to fit in a round of quiet panic to go with the one from having Root dumped in his lap.

Gaara had slept for a full day before popping awake again, much to the terror of his siblings and sensei. He had then taken himself off to a local park so he could entertain the children there with dancing sand bears.

Given that the sheep of Konoha (and plenty of its shinobi) had no clue the kid was a jinchūriki (prior to any Secrets being established), no one had any particular reason to intervene or shoo the kids away. Some did eye the situation with some trepidation due to Gaara being a foreign shinobi, but with the Suna emblem clearly visible, they let it slide.

Pein (with a set of perfectly normal, not at all special snowflake eyes), constrained by a chakra disruption seal and quite a lot of ninja wire, was shifted over to Kurama’s forest. He held out for a good thirty seconds before he lost control of his bladder. Kurama giving another one of those Cheshire grins probably contributed greatly.

“If you’re hungry you can eat him,” Tsuna said. “If not, we’ll just disintegrate the idiot.”

“Meh,” Kurama said. “I’d rather not eat it. Not in the mood for urine today.”

Tsuna shrugged and tipped his head toward Hayato, who promptly disintegrated the fucker.

“Okay, done. Now, we have no idea how long this will last. We could be redoing all of this in a week, or we might finally have figured out what stops the loops, in which case it’ll last beyond the point where I die a hilariously stupid death.”

Kurama nodded, seemingly accepting that. “Then I will see you later. Or not.”

Sadly, Kabuki-Boy forfeited rather than risk being taken out by sheer dumb luck. Tsuna pouted just long enough for everyone to see it, then adopted a psychotically cheerful and smug look. ‘Actually, who am I cosplaying as again?’ he wondered, then glanced down at his clothes. Bright orange. ‘Ah, the idiot, right. I should tone down the Skull-sama bit, then.’

The invasion happened right on schedule, Tsuna sent a few hundred clones off to help the villagers, and retreated to his storage. The window on Gaara showed that the kid was escorting civilian children to the bunkers, a cadre of sand bears helping to protect them—which was kind of sweet, really.

They flipped a coin when it came to the Hokage. Him dead or alive did not seem to matter, after all, so they erred on the side of defective-but-not-evil and left it up to chance. Once the coin hit the ground and it was determined he would live, Sin shifted out to go cause mayhem against Orochimaru’s defective minions and Hayato had some fun disintegrating people.

He went to bed that night—in his storage, of course.

Tsuna woke up to … the sunset sky of his storage. “Wake up!”

Everyone jolted awake and realized what he had.

“So, breakfast,” he muttered, then rolled out of bed to get started.

Sin joined him to help, Ken went to set the table, and the others hit the whiteboard to figure out what they still needed to do to leave the world a better place before Tsuna kicked it in a tragic accident.

“So what’s the damage?” he said as he served.

“You may get hauled off to drag Senju back again. We should probably do the Secret again that you were a jinchūriki, just to cover that angle for all the idiots out there who think killing you is an easy ticket to their own nuke.”

“Because fūinjutsu masters are just all over the fuckin’ place,” Hayato said snidely.

He had to think about things. Having been through so many short loops had done strange things to his memories of the first go around in a Naruto world. “These people think I’m an idiot. Maybe I should get myself medically invalidated and open a restaurant instead.”

“We can arrange an accident,” Sin said. “But medically invalidated, hm… We talked about it before, but… I’m at something of a loss as to how to accomplish that.”

“Which reminds me, we need to off Sasuke at the earliest opportunity and steal his eyes. Maybe I can use mental trauma from witnessing his death as a reason to be invalidated. Maybe have a fake Itachi show up and do something really heinous? We don’t even need the kid’s eyes if we ensure they get spiked. And the body incinerated.”

“Wouldn’t that Yamanaka dude get involved?” Ken asked.

“Possibly, but you really think one of our delightful Mists couldn’t fake him out? In fact, Mists, come up with a scenario, please. I need to be a witness, and if one of you would be ready to augment whatever acting I can manage in the way of looking horrified and traumatized… It’d be good to get it done before the little snotbag has a chance to think about defecting. As soon as that’s been handled we need to pull an all-nighter to ensure all of Orochimaru’s spare bodies are dealt with.”

“Should we allow the Senju trip to happen?” Mukuro asked. “Sasuke learned his brother had been in the village, decided he was after you, and hauled ass to confront him. We’d have to fake an Itachi and a Kisame, but that could be our tragic death. Ero-Sennin would have to be mind-fucked to show up a tiny bit too late, but in time to save Naruto from whatever.”

Tsuna tucked into his meal while his family kicked ideas around. He could have one of his Mists mind-fuck an applicable party so he could purchase a property, pretend that his family were all henged shadow clones to account for them—after all, a new family moving to Konoha on the heels of an invasion?—and do what he did best (aside from taking care of his family), seduce people with his cooking.

After they tossed up a few dozen protections. And decided on a name that wasn’t Kaiten.

“Either Kōtai or Hendō,” Sin said absently, finishing off his breakfast.

“Yeah, those would work. I can just use the menu for Kaiten, with the odd tweaks. Should be fine.”

“Until people find out who the chef is and expire from the shock of realizing there is no such thing as ramen on the menu,” Ken said, collecting plates and bowls and suchlike off the table to be ferried to the sink for washing.

“Huh.” That could be an issue. Maybe people would assume the trauma had scared the stupidity out of their favorite scapegoat? And by the time anyone realized who actually did the cooking (assuming he didn’t just use a disguise or refuse to ever be seen outside the kitchen), they’d be too in love with his cooking to boycott the place.

“You might be in for Akimichi stalkers,” Sin pointed out, reading his thoughts as per usual.

He grimaced. “Meh. It’s not like they can duplicate our special touch. And if we ward the place right, they won’t be able to send their—okay, not little—ninja family members to try to steal any recipes. The fact that I do it all from memory doesn’t hurt, either.”

“Okay,” Daemon announced. “We have it worked out.”

“Are we gonna be rescuing a princess!?” he asked excitedly.

“…Uh, yeah, sure,” Jiraiya said agreeably.

“Sugoi!” he screamed, inwardly smirking when Jiraiya visibly winced.

“Go pack for a couple of weeks and meet me at the main gate in an hour.”

Tsuna nodded like an excited house-elf and dashed off, stepping into his storage at the first opportunity.

Naturally, along the way, Tsuna pestered the everloving fuck out of Jiraiya for super awesome flashy techniques. Oddly, Jiraiya did not shut him up with the steps toward learning the Rasengan, but perhaps that was simply because he was acting like an idiot who had ripped his own brains out and filled the hollow skull cavity with ramen.

He saw a twinkle off to the side and had to assume it was his family’s way of laughing at his thoughts.

We’re waiting in town for when you arrive. Mukuro is ready to tweak things to ensure that Ero-Sennin does not arrive until the time is right. Sasuke will get his nudge, as will Gai at the appropriate time.

Who won jan-ken to get the duty of offing the defect?

Not telling~! See if you can figure out which of us is which.

Tsuna snorted quietly. “What about ramen, then!?” he shouted. “Does this town we’re going to have good ramen!? Though nothing can beat Ramen Ichiraku! They’ve got the best ramen in the whole world, Ero-Sennin!”

Jiraiya twitched.

As expected, Jiraiya carelessly told him to go practice his chakra control after tossing him a key, then went sniffing off after a busty lady of questionable morals who gave the pervert a salacious look.

Tsuna waited until he was up in the room to roll his eyes and settled in to have a meal and watch both Jiraiya and the corridor outside on windows.

Heads up, darling. Sasuke is even now not far out from the town border and will be here shortly. He’s on a tear.

Two bodies materialized into place just outside the door. Kisame waved.

Tsuna chortled, then laughed when Itachi made gimme motions. He shifted some onigiri out to them.

Itachi glanced off to the side, then nodded. “Almost here. We’re knocking.”

Tsuna finished up the last of his meal and got up. After all, he had to stand witness to the tragic, senseless death of his teammate and become psychologically unfit for duty. Ten seconds after a knock at the door he was opening it, staring out with laughing eyes.

“Are you selling shinobi cookies?” he asked, “because I don’t have any ryo on me. You’ll have to try elsewhere, sorry.”

Kisame licked his lips. “Mm, cookies. Salted caramel chocolate chip?”

“I could do that, sure.” His window alerted him to the arrival of Sasuke so he adopted a frightened look and said, “Wh-what’s going on…?”

Kisame reached back to get his sword. “Well…”

“It has been a while, Sasuke,” Itachi said.

Tsuna whipped his head to the side like an idiot so he could see Sasuke. The kid’s expression was a peculiar mixture of rage and sorrow, but mostly rage.

“Uchiha Itachi…”

Oh, here comes the drama.

“My oh my,” Kisame said. “Today is a special day indeed, don’t you think? This is the second time I’ve seen another sharingan.”

“I will … kill you!”

“Who is this kid, anyway?” Kisame asked with just the right touch of indifference.

“He is … my younger brother.”

“I heard the entire Uchiha Clan was wiped out. Why is this pipsqueak even alive, then?”

Kisame and Itachi both turned to look at Sasuke (and Tsuna knew Sasuke did not notice the two men had switched both places and identities). Itachi’s narrow-eyed gaze was in marked contrast to Sasuke’s bug-eyed look of rage.

“I’ve been wanting to say this to you,” Sasuke said. “I’ve lived hating you. And also that I have lived only to kill you. I have lived for this!” he shouted, his left hand forming the chidori. He hauled ass down the hallway, raking his hand along the wall (like a rage-blinded idiot).

Itachi caught the kid’s wrist, said, “So pathetic,” and spiked Sasuke’s eyes out with his free hand.

Tsuna obligingly fell on his ass in terror.

What was left of the eyes hit the floor with a flick of Itachi’s hand and were quite deliberately stepped on. Tsuna had to wonder if Sasuke could hear what had just happened. Itachi next broke one wrist, then the other, while the kid was still in shock at losing his dōjutsu and sight. Arm bones were next, shoulders were given sharp hits…

Itachi systematically took Sasuke apart without removing anything other than the kid’s eyes, and finished things off with a strike to the chest that Tsuna knew had liquefied Sasuke’s heart just as Jiraiya arrived with all his flashy pageantry, only to stop dead when he saw what had been done to Sasuke and what condition Naruto appeared to be in.

“Kisame, we’re leaving.” Itachi took two steps and vanished out a nearby window, his partner right behind him.

Tsuna just stared at the corpse with red-rimmed eyes, tears running down his face, and a thousand-yard stare.

When Gai arrived shortly thereafter, Tsuna and the corpse were returned to Konoha.

They set up in a building not far off the main road, nearer to the academy and Hokage Tower. Kōtai was very small, with only six tables. With the level of technology that existed in the Elemental Nations they could not use a touchscreen reservation system. Ken took care of scheduling reservations, Hayato handled the books, Sin helped him in the kitchen, and the others either sourced supplies or handled patrons, depending on who felt like doing which on any given day.

That was the plan.

Tsuna pulled off an Academy Award performance for the Yamanaka they brought in and the Hokage over the course of several months and appeared to in no way get any better with the idea of going back to doing missions, so he was invalidated (with a little help from his family).

The old man, no longer remembering he was or had been a jinchūriki, had no reason to protest a traumatized thirteen year old being discharged, and told Tsuna he could either enter the civilian school or find an apprentice position. He would go back to receiving the orphan stipend until he turned sixteen or found himself a decent job, whichever came first.

That no one seemed to have a problem with the idea of Naruto, of all people, having managed to save up enough money to purchase a small restaurant was a testament to the skill of his Mists. (Or the idea that Naruto was just that good at getting other people to pay for his ramen sprees to keep himself halfway decently fed.)

It took time, just as Kaiten had taken time. Custom tables had to be crafted along with the booth seating and the dividers. Reborn helped with that, since he was such a swell guy (and bribed with plenty of food), though they had shifted over native woods for the project.

“I had a thought,” Hayato said.

Tsuna’s brow went up as he helped Ken slide a tabletop inlay into place.

“There’s no reason we can’t use shadow clones to set up over there in that corner and play music for the patrons.”

Tsuna eyed the corner. He had been planning to put some sort of artsy conversation piece over there, but musicians would be a conversation piece all on their own, and promote some culture. “Sure. But preferably nothing Japanese. I’m a native and I hate traditional Japanese music.”

“It’s like the yowling death cries of far too many feral cats,” Hayato said tiredly. “We know.”

“How are we on stasis supplies?”

“Pretty good. We’ve had clones doing a whole lot of fishing, for one. We could just have Reborn do some purchasing for us, but if anyone asked where the hell you got the money for that we’d have to do some mind-fucking. Better to start with fish-based dishes first, with stuff we can forage locally. Earn enough legitimately to purchase additional supplies.

“Well, a lot of this stuff you could have made yourself after experimentation. We did use local woods, after all. Metals scavenged from training grounds, stuff from your short-lived ninja career… Won’t explain the instruments, though.”

“I’ll lie,” he said. “Considering how often this body skipped out on classes or was sent out on the flimsiest of excuses, it had plenty of time to be doing things in the background. Add to that the sheer number of times this body pulled pranks and eluded everyone. And if it all goes to shit, we bail. On a side note, while we’re still in the process of gathering supplies for stasis… Are there any laws that would prevent us from sending out clones to busk?”

Chikusa shook his head slowly. “Not that I’m aware of, but we weren’t as interested in the laws this time. We’ll have to do a comparison from what’s in our library and what is in effect here and now. If any money we earn needs to have taxes paid, we need to be aware of it, and where to pay it.”

“Sadly, there are no wild cattle herds we could thin out,” he said, “and Naruto doesn’t have enough money left to purchase a herd, plus the land for them, to get beef, milk, and cheese. Don’t even have enough room to keep chickens. And no one with any sense keeps chickens near a populated area. The smell of chicken shit alone would invite retaliation.”

“Please tell me the menu is all foreign dishes,” Sin said. “We’d stand out hard, above and beyond the exclusive nature of the place.”

Tsuna nodded. “Something like French one week, Italian the next, British, Thai, German, American, and Mexican. That’d be a decent spread. It’ll also raise a ton of questions, but that’s what mind-fuckery is for.”

Tsuna had enough time to wake up to the realization that doom was imminent before he was crushed to death in the then ruins of Kōtai. One of his clones had been on its way back from a hunting trip (beef slaughtered from Iwa’s own stocks) and was “lucky” enough to witness a bunch of inebriated Akimichi balloon up with their family Hiden and drunkenly crash into his building in a bizarre game of pinball gone wrong.


	8. λ27: 08: Talos 1

## λ27  
08: Talos 1

He stared up at a surprisingly clean ceiling and wondered where the fuck he’d ended up. Discreet looks around showed that he was on a bed, in a barracks of a sort? The beds themselves were wall units, like cubbies, one atop the other, in rows. Each person had precious little space.

Well, he assumed person. A quick scan of his body showed that he appeared to be human, though his clothing made him think more of prisoner than homeless or janitor.

‘What the fuck?’ Sin said flatly.

Tsuna pulled a small mirror out of storage to get a look at himself. He did not recognize the face, though his outfit did have a number, stitched onto a long, horizontal strip. It was rather like a name tag on a military uniform, only uglier. It read: V-010134-22.

‘I am not liking this situation,’ Daemon said, ‘at all.’

‘Yeah,’ he replied, ‘I’m feeling a bit uneasy and I only just woke up. I think I need to disappear.’

‘You seem to be wearing a tracking bracelet,’ Ken pointed out. ‘That needs to go.’

Tsuna frowned and stored the mirror, then examined the bracelet. It did not appear to have a conventional fastener of any kind. ‘And I’m thinking that V on my number doesn’t really stand for volunteer.’

Hayato snorted. ‘Leave a clone, step _Between_ , get that thing off—maybe a switching spell—and onto the clone… A convenient corpse would be better, one with a polyjuice disguise.’

Tsuna exhaled slowly, then formed a clone around himself. He stepped into his storage so he had more room to work with, then opened a window to λ15, to hunt down some polyjuice. (Sadly, the stuff did not respond well to stasis, nor did it have an exceptional shelf life, nor did he have a month to make his own.)

A calculated window gave him the opportunity to steal some of Barty Jr’s supply before it had been doctored with Moody’s hair. Into that went a quickly hacked off lock of his body’s hair and the vial was given a good shake.

“I’m thinking we should import a body from there as well,” Daemon said as he materialized into place.

He nodded. “Preferably of the same blood type, since polyjuice doesn’t alter anything but the externals, really.”

“And preferably a deserving civilian defect. No idea what the hell is going on in this dimension, but let’s not hand over a body for them to autopsy that might give them more than they bargained for.”

He nodded again and switched his window to Belmarsh in London to find a likely candidate.

Sin and the others materialized into place. Sin immediately set to figuring out what blood type Tsuna’s body was while Tsuna hunted through the various cells at the prison, pausing each time to allow one of the others to get a blood sample and label them.

Thankfully, he had woken in the middle of the night, so they had time to find a suitable replacement.

An hour later they found a match, who was promptly dosed, killed through the window by Sin, then yanked into Tsuna’s storage.

Hayato slipped a bracelet onto the corpse’s wrist, then performed a switching spell to swap it for the tracking bracelet on Tsuna’s wrist.

A minute later Tsuna’s garb was adorning the sacrifice, Tsuna was dressed in proper clothing, and the corpse had replaced the clone.

“Now we just need to figure out where we are,” Chikusa said quietly.

“I vote we keep windows open at any doors in that place,” Ken said, “and wait for someone to open one. Slide through. It’s gonna be a while yet, I expect. In the meantime, we can have breakfast or something.”

“The other option is that Heul harmonizes through a wall,” Mukuro said. “I vote for breakfast first, though.”

His mouth quirked in a faint smile and he nodded.

Some time later he was alerted by Sin that someone had come in to check on the “volunteers”, or whatever they were. A window was promptly zipped through that door the first chance available. The odd door and a minute later and they were all looking at a fairly spacious area. They were on the upper level, apparently. There were plenty of doors, but no windows anywhere, which was mildly disappointing.

There was a security station tucked in under the upper walkway, on a hallway of sorts leading deeper into the area. Promotional posters were up on the walls with testimonials from volunteers—which seemed a little odd to Tsuna when he gave it more than a second of thought. Were they there to “reassure” new volunteers? If so, why? Shouldn’t people have been briefed beforehand?

Come to think of it…

“When we get a moment, someone needs to check this body’s memories. Was he _really_ a volunteer?”

“Will do, darling,” Mukuro said.

There was no visible way down, but there was what looked like a hallway at one end of the upper-level walkway. ‘Huh,’ he thought. At the end of said hallway was two shafts, one illuminated with green light, the other with red. The red one was marked as no access.

“Grav lifts?”

“They must be. I don’t see any stairs, at all,” Chikusa said, who was staring at a different window.

“I’ll try it,” Sin said, then vanished from Heul’s storage. He reappeared thirty seconds later. “It’s cool. Feels a bit strange, though, not being the one in control of the gravity manipulation.”

“All right,” he said. “Let’s scope out this lobby or whatever it is.”

They were in a place called the Neuromod Division. On the ground floor was a directory. Except, it wasn’t considered the ground floor. 3F had Neuromod Testing, Volunteer Quarters, and Fabrication. 2F was the Conference Room, Skill Recording, Security, Control Room B, and Research and Design. 1F held Observation, Testing Rooms, Neuromod Debriefing, Storage, and Simulation Stage B.

The company that ran the place appeared to be called TranStar.

Volunteer Quarters had those odd bunks (called Habitation Pods), a common area with pinball machines, ping pong tables, chess, tables for eating, communal bathrooms, and a small kitchen. Off the bathroom, at the end of the habitation pods, was a series of treadmills.

The testing area had a rather scary-looking chair inside a set of curving glass walls. The area itself was called Neuromod Installation and Extraction, in a room behind two “testing” areas. The touch-terminal outside it was a “Surgery Console” and had options for Neural Scan, Surgical Procedures, and Debrief.

“This place is giving me the willies,” Ken said.

“I hear you,” he said. “Let’s check Fabrication.”

It was in there they found floating machines. Unfortunately, if they revealed themselves and attempted to get a better idea of what the things were, an alarm might be sounded, so they pressed on. The machines were helpful in that they patrolled around and opened doors for them.

The Storage area had an odd little cube of a room inside it, a subset of space, with some kind of force field for walls. There were carts and shelving, all with odd cubes of some purple matter.

“What have we here?”

“Hey, in the corner,” Hayato said, pointing at his window.

He redirected his attention to an odd, bulky machine tucked around a corner and facing another door. There was a large recycling symbol on it. The console at the center said “Place items in bin” and had an arrow pointing to the left. On the right was another bin, that one open.

“I’d like to test this, but there are cameras in here.”

“We’ll blind them, darling,” Xeul said. “Just grab some detritus and give it a shot. And… Okay, try it.”

Tsuna stepped _Between_ , yanked a few odds and ends off one of the shelves, and added them to the bin. The console changed to show a header of “Recycler” and the message itself switched to “Recycle” with a box around it. At the bottom was the word “Results” and four images with numbers under them.

One looked like a plant sprout, one bars of metal, one almost like genetic code, and the final one like a pair of pliers or something. Tsuna reached out to touch the “button”. The message changed to “Please wait” and the central portion of the machine started moving. Small cubes of matter dropped into the right-side bin. He grabbed them and stepped back into _Between_ , to his storage.

A second later they were all examining the odd cubes.

“I want one of those things,” Hayato said. “It literally broke that shit down and reformed it into cubes. But, what are the cubes used for?”

“I think we need to look around more. There may be a complimentary machine. This area is called Fabrication, which implies certain things,” Daemon said.

“Yeah,” he said. “We just don’t know enough yet. We’re not even done with a single department. Who knows what the hell else we might find.”

Up another grav shaft was some offices. In one, on a whiteboard, was a listing: minerals, synthetic, organic, exotic materials.

“Well, that cleared things up,” he said sarcastically. “But it might correspond to those four symbols. Onward, I suppose.”

Back on the main floor, ignoring the Security Station that sat between the lifts and the lobby area, they headed down the hallway and found the Simulation Lab. Thankfully, the airlock-like area they encountered was like the one in Fabrication, with clear doors, so sending windows deeper was not an issue.

Below the walkway was a glass box, essentially. It looked like a small studio apartment, and someone was sleeping in the bed.

“We should probably return to this area once it’s daytime, or whatever,” he said. “If this is some kind of simulation…”

“Right. We’ll relax a bit, keep an eye on things…”

The figure, a woman, woke up to an alarm. On the other side of a wall that, from the inside showed the view of a city, was a group of science types, observing. The figure, apparently named Morgan Yu, got up, checked their console, ate, got dressed in a futuristic uniform, then exited the “apartment”. Down a hallway, past a repair woman, and into a lift.

When Morgan exited it all appeared very different. Through a door was (to them) what looked a stage, with a helicopter prop. Clearly it looked quite different to Yu. She boarded, the copter adjusted position on its dock, and walls started moving down or into place, changing the configuration of the area.

“This is fucking freaky,” Hayato said. “And you can see, the inner walls. They’re showing a city, and them flying.”

Morgan “landed” on a completely different building (so to speak), TranStar HQ, and entered, ending up at the “TranStar Testing Facility” where she was greeted by a man wearing a similar uniform, one Alex Yu. Inside a booth was a drone wearing the same uniform, but in a different colour.

“I’m feeling shades of Star Trek here,” Mukuro commented quietly.

Morgan was ushered off to do some testing, and it was then that they started to get an idea what these neuromod things were. Morgan was displaying some weird ass powers, and they were all due to the neuromods, apparently, like copying a talent in a Xerox machine and inserting it into someone else’s head. Except, not normal things like piano playing or cooking. More like telekinesis and shapeshifting.

He looked at his Mists and cocked a brow. They nodded, smiling deviously.

“We just need to keep windows on these people, see where they sleep, and mine them,” Xeul said.

“Let’s continue exploring for now.”

Back in the lobby (or 2F) there was a wide door that had “Talos One” in the upper right corner. To either side were lighted displays which read “TranStar Lobby”.

They had to wait for a worker to open it to get through themselves, but when they did…

The hallway they emerged into was relatively normal, though Tsuna was getting the idea that whoever had designed the facility was in love with Art Deco, not that he could disagree with the preference. At the end, however, they all gasped.

Right there in front of them was the moon, taking up half the view.

“Are we in fucking space?” Ken muttered. “On a space station?”

“Holy shit,” he said, then floated his window at double speed to get past the “glass” walls showing space itself. Once beyond that point it was still space. “We really are. We’re in space.”

Sin suddenly cackled, causing everyone to stare at him instead of the glory of space and super-huge moon right in front of them. “Can you imagine Verde’s reaction? He’d be beside himself with excitement.”

“You know,” Daemon said, his gaze switching back to the view. “They had to have gotten that one recycling machine from somewhere—presumably Earth. What say we acquire a few for ourselves. Shift one over to Verde, see if he can duplicate them? They may come in handy down the road.”

Tsuna nodded slowly, thinking that was a fine idea. “We still need to see if there’s a machine that uses those cubes, though. A fabricator, I would imagine. Okay, we need to keep exploring. Once it gets late enough, you can mine some minds to find out exactly what these neuromod things really are. And… Well, let’s just see what more there is to see here.”

The Lobby of the facility, which had massive window walls made out of who knew what, displayed space, the moon, and other parts of the station. They could see tunnels, so to speak, connecting various sections, and they were labeled on the outside, which led them to believe that spacewalks were not out of the question.

Windows were sent down the gracefully-curving staircase to get a better idea of where they could go, and Xeul perked up on seeing a sign for a Shuttle Bay. “Now that’s an idea,” he murmured, sharing a look with Daemon and Mukuro.

“Yes,” Daemon said.

“Jan-ken?” Mukuro’s eyes were gleaming with excitement.

“Okay,” he said, “but no one is stowing away on a shuttle until we have more information. It would be neat to be able to step back and forth between Earth and this station, though. Someone leave a window there so you can slip through the next time someone opens that door, and we’ll keep on.”

The “ground floor” of the lobby held a small museum of sorts, a division called Psychotronics (or at least the entrance to it), another Security station, Employee Orientation, a normal lift, restrooms, and open lounge areas. The lady at the station on the back side of the lift looked bored to tears. She might be a receptionist of sorts considering she was facing the Shuttle Bay entrance. The Security Station, its windows opened to that short hallway, had scanners of some kind there so that all who transitioned to or from the Shuttle Bay would pass through them.

Of definite interest was the Executive Offices on the third floor. Two smaller, which were of little immediate interest, and one for Morgan Yu, the woman currently playing guinea pig in the Neuromod Division.

There were two machines in there, though Tsuna had been forced to harmonize his way through the door while his Mists kept the personal assistant, one Jason Chang, oblivious. One was a recycler, but the other was a fabricator.

“I really want some of those,” Hayato said.

Tsuna shot his Storm an indulgent look, and redirected his window back outside the office. Through the Teleconferencing Center opposite the entrance to Yu’s office area was a walkway to the Hardware Labs.

“Good morning, Talos,” a female voice sounded over a hidden PA system. “A reminder that passengers scheduled for departure on Shuttle Inception, destination TranStar Seattle Facility, should be in the shuttle bay by no later than 2pm.”

His Mists all looked at him expectantly. Tsuna let out a slight sigh and nodded. “Only one of you.”

They immediately huddled to play jan-ken and Xeul smirked with pleasure when he won. “I will remain imperceptible, darling,” Xeul assured him. “As soon as I have a good view of the landing location, I will open a window so you can all see it, then return.”

Tsuna nodded. “Well, no. While you’re there, find out where those machines are being manufactured, so we can acquire at least two of each. We can drop a set on Verde and see what he makes of them. And, since one is a fabricator, I expect there must be fabrication plans we can acquire, either at the manufactory itself, or here on the station.”

“So while we’re exploring this place we can look for plans,” Sin said.

The others nodded, though Chikusa said, “I noticed, during that simulation, that Yu had a device. Others may have them as well. Fabrication plans may not be tangible things.”

“Digital blueprints only?” he mused. “We’ll find out more along the way here, but, Xeul, also check into that. If you see those devices, grab some. Maybe there’s a way we can use them, or use our phones to interface with these alleged digital plans.”

Xeul nodded. “I’m going to keep a window on the shuttle bay entrance, then, so I can slip through the second one of the people here does. No idea if I could follow with a window from here to the planet, so I’ll _Edge_ while inside the shuttle.”

He nodded. “Not worth the risk to try just the window and have it fail for some reason. Once we all have a window on that shuttle facility, at least we’ll be able to freely step back and forth if necessary.”

Xeul swapped his window to focus on the shuttle bay after a quick smile.

“I’ve been thinking,” Ken said. “If we ever end up in another Naruto world. Things we could do differently.”

“You mean aside from immediately hiding that Naruto is the Kyūbi’s jinchūriki?” Hayato asked.

Ken nodded. “I mean, we already have the hideout worked out, so we could do that quickly enough, though we’d need it more for other people rather than us. Same for the Hyūga. We know what works and how to do it. That’s over in a night. And same with the Uchiha, so long as we get the right night, not that it ended well for Sasuke.”

Tsuna bit his lip as he continued to watch his window, taking in the basic layout of the lobby area of the station and where various things were placed. “We don’t even know what we prevented, aside from the plans of the Akatsuki, though that alone may have been enough.”

“We could consider shoring up the other children in Naruto’s class. Tricking them into becoming more skilled.”

“Or forcing whoever is in charge of the academy curriculum to wise the fuck up and teach them properly,” Hayato said.

“And in theory, kick Sasuke around enough that he’s forcibly introduced to the concept that he isn’t top dog,” Sin said.

Tsuna scowled. ‘That’d mean I’d have to work even harder at ninja skills, on top of probably having to go through rigorous chakra control exercises.’ “And my fellow sacrificial students?” he asked, smirking at the others. “After all, Sin and Daemon already had a turn. Who would step up the next time?”

As expected, his family members, Sin and Daemon aside, all went a bit pale at the thought of having to play students for a good seven years, plus potentially being stuck on a team without Tsuna.

“Something to think about.”

Xeul stowed away on a shuttle when the time came, after a nice lunch cooked up by Tsuna and Sin. The rest of them continued to poke around the station.

“Let’s check out that Psychotronics place,” Hayato said. “I can’t imagine touring the power plant or air quality will be all that interesting.”

“The name alone is kind of disturbing, so yeah.”

It took a while of waiting, but eventually one of the workers obligingly opened the doors for them and let them send windows through. At first the place wasn’t so bad, but then again, it was also a lot of going down a switchback set of stairs.

It was when they hit the bottom and moved forward that “shit started getting freaky” in Hayato’s words. After going through another one of those huge doors and down a hallway, then through a circular door, visible was a circular room with a pit in the middle. In the pit was some odd structure that went up to support … something. The walkway circled that pit.

Russian writing was on some of the panels on the walls, spelling out Kletka.

On the far side was a central raised walkway with a tube of sorts around it, like a tunnel, with a security station off to the right. Beyond the walkway was a large circular plaque of patterned metal and had “Talos Station” engraved on it, along with a representation of the station itself.

To either side of it were rooms labeled “Clean Room Preparation”, differentiated by sex, which amounted to bathroom areas, complete with shelf upon shelf of towels and supplies, sinks, mirrors, plus shower and toilet stalls. Beyond those was another airlock-style structure, so they skipped the windows to the other side and up the grav lift to the “Atrium”.

A central raised walkway with capsules to either side was visible. Two large capsules were on each side, each with a hatch controlled by a touchscreen. A large sign in between them read:

To the left was the “Director’s Office”. They could see a recycler and a fabricator through the windows, but there was someone in there, so they couldn’t just barge on in in person. The man was watching something on a viewscreen.

Tsuna’s brow went up as he watched … a space walk? The view, presumably from a suit’s camera, was aimed at what looked like a satellite of some kind. Something floated away from the thing, then blossomed into a four-limbed thing that flew over to the space-walker and … attacked? The person tried to fend it off, but their helmet was struck and shattered, and then the video ended.

Playing on the other screen was a different video. The same satellite was shown, but within what was probably the confines of the station, as it was contained in a room not unlike the one they had already passed through, with Kletka written on one of the wall panels of a circular room that surrounded a pit the satellite hung over.

One of those four-limbed things appeared—a typhon of some kind, presumably, shaped somewhat like a chromosome—then another, coming from within the satellite. A third appeared, then what looked like a fight. A fourth appeared, almost as if one of them had divided.

“I don’t have the first fucking clue what’s going on here,” he muttered as three of the typhon scurried out of sight, while the last one drifted away from the satellite and morphed into a new shape entirely, complete with plenty of glowing, sparking yellow light.

“So, aliens,” Hayato commented with admirable calm.

“Which explains this station,” Sin said. “It was probably built around that satellite so they could research these lifeforms—or whatever they are.”

“Right,” he muttered. “Moving on.”

He sent his window back out and over to the end of the area. The label above the door read “Containment Access”. Through there was where it got really freaky.

The room had doors to either side (Labs A and Labs B), but up ahead was filiments of amber-gold light, shaded with red, suspended in yet another circular room. On moving the window closer they could see doors to either side again, one labeled “Live Exam, Morgue,” and the other “Material Extraction”.

“This is fucked,” he whispered.

The huge sign next to the window at the center—which was clearly a view into the same room they had just seen on the video—said:

“Right, what say we go look at those labs before we check out the two doors here?” Daemon said.

“Yeah…”

Backtracking a little and heading upstairs showed experiment setups, with a mimic contained in a glass-walled area with three capsules, along with three buttons to push. A scientist type pushed a button, revealing a flask, and the mimic inside morphed into a flask.

“Right.”

Another experiment was testing a type of light source and its effects on another mimic in “Lab B-3 Typhon Nightlight Testing”. Another button was present which, when pushed, set off a brilliant blue-white gaseous light thing on rails. As it moved to one side, the mimic would follow.

“I suppose that could be like a grenade?” Ken said. “In case of an outbreak, throw one to distract them and sneak by or kill it, somehow?”

One of the offices had a whiteboard.

> Project Cobalt
> 
> Human/Typhon Cell Fusion
> 
> first phase has to include cerebral division cells have to be split before they can be fused

“Okay, so, yeah, they’re working on fusing those aliens with human beings,” Hayato said, a profound look of distaste on his face.

There was an airlock at the back, presumably leading to the exterior of the station.

“Makes sense why they’d have a morgue in here, then, I suppose,” Chikusa said.

Live Exam had a large glass-walled box almost up against the side wall—the same wall that bordered the containment of the satellite, with a touchscreen terminal in front of it. Grav lifts to the Morgue were opposite.

“Anyone getting the feeling they put the ‘volunteers’ into that box and unleash a typhon on them to see what happens?” Ken asked.

The door leading onward had three labels: Containment Access, Material Extraction, and Gravity Utility Tunnel System.

“You know what? I’ve seen enough of this area for the moment,” he said. “It’s upsetting my stomach. Let’s pull back and either wait on Xeul checking in, or go visit the Hardware Labs instead. I don’t really want to be here if they start up one of these experiments.”

Everyone nodded, so Tsuna stored his window and hunted down the UNO deck.

Quite a while later Xeul finally checked in via window. “Gods that was boring,” he said. “Nothing to do but sit there and wait. Anyway, as you can see, I am on Earth, so if you want to take a breather from the station, come join me.”

Samsara exchanged looks, then nodded and stepped over.

“We should find a library, amongst other things,” Chikusa said. “See how history differs. Or a bookstore, whichever. And some cash.”

“Already got that covered,” Xeul said. “It’s amazing how many shifty people you can find in transport hubs.”

“Where are we, anyway?”

“Fuck if I know. I’ve never been to Seattle,” Xeul said.

A short time later they had hailed a cab and were driven to a bookstore. They rifled through the history section, grabbed a bunch of likely-looking books, paid for them, then caught a cab to a hotel. Daemon convinced the poor clerk on duty that there had been a mix-up with reservations and they were shortly given keys to a suite on the house.

“Ah, a real bathroom,” Tsuna said, making a beeline for the tub. “Ooo! And it’s even deep enough to soak in!”

“So, apparently JFK didn’t kick it when that assassin attacked, and the US and Russia were friendly for a while, which is decidedly odd,” Chikusa reported.

“Well, we can store those books in the λ27 section,” he said. “Now we just need to find out where the manufactory is for those machines, and those devices. I don’t imagine TranStar had their local offices right there at the shuttle facility.”

Xeul shook his head. “I did swipe a few things from the reception desk. I’m sure there’s an address on one of these things…”

After ascertaining where they needed to go, they arranged for train tickets via the front desk, then settled in to relax for the remainder of the day. A long train ride later and they were at TranStar’s main manufactory and had windows going everywhere, trying to locate their storage and anything that might hold fabrication plans.

“Got it,” Daemon said. “Well, the storage area, anyway.” He shifted position so everyone could see the warehouse, revealing a whole lot of crates, each labeled with a number, either an ID or a shipping manifest. “Unless we can crack that touchscreen, you’re going to have to harmonize inside these things so we can see the contents.”

He nodded. “We should wait for nightfall for that. Find any cameras so we can cover my activities.”

“Can you harmonize while invisible?” Ken asked.

Tsuna blinked. “I have no idea. I’ll test it shortly. Anyone see anything that might be those devices?”

“There are some smaller crates on those shelves over there,” Sin said, “but for all we know those could those weird medbay machines, the ones with the floaters.”

“Uh, maybe these?” Chikusa said, pointing at his window. The crates he was looking at were much smaller. “There’s that cargo station outside with tracks back to the shuttle facility. The other set I’m not so sure about.”

“Maybe if we find the production lines we could tell what each thing is being packed in,” Hayato said.

While they were doing that, Tsuna acquired a few things from a hardware store in a previous dimension and set about testing that idea. He turned himself invisible and tried to harmonize through the door he had propped up. Thankfully, the spell was not one interrupted by actions (such as opening a door or picking something up), so it did not fail the second his hand started to sink into the wood.

“If they have heat sensors,” he muttered, then paused. Could he harmonize while _Edging_? “Well, first, let me see if this works properly.”

Five minutes later he was through the door and still invisible, so he tried the second option. Unfortunately, as he was not exactly in the real world (for a subjective definition of real considering how many full and sub-dimensions he had access to), he could not interact on the level he needed while _Edging_.

“It was worth a try,” Sin said at his downcast expression.

“Yeah. Just need a way to hide my heat signature. But I can still get into one of those containers after midnight.”

“Illusions work against cameras,” Xeul said, “so they might also work against heat sensors. Most places don’t even bother with them, but I suppose it could be different here.”

“I’m gonna look around for a security center,” Sin said. “If I can find that, we’ll know what they check for.”

A sensible course of action, indeed.

“I’m not seeing anything I’d recognize as heat sensors,” Daemon said, “but who knows? This society is a lot more advanced than anything we’re used to.”

“Found the production line,” Mukuro said, “or at least one of them. It’s either fabricators or recyclers.”

Tsuna moved closer so he could see his Mist’s window. “The ones near the end don’t seem to have the recycling symbol, so…”

“You know,” Hayato said, “these guys are all wearing those wristbands. What are the odds they don’t even bother to use heat sensors, because they’re tracking everyone with those? I would assume any exterior defenses also use those as a medium, if they’re what I think they are.”

“Okay,” Sin said, leaning back a little. “Security appears to be strictly camera-based. Those terminals of theirs also function as a link to the wristbands, allowing them to tell what part of the complex anyone is in, assuming they’re registered. The same would be true for the station. I expect that any, ah, volunteers are fitted with a wristband and logged in and out, depending on where they are, so this tracking system can keep an eye on their movements, just like any normal employee.”

“What the hell is that guy doing?” Ken asked, pointing at a fellow who was holding what reminded Tsuna of a Nerf gun in the form of a crossbow of sorts. “Foam darts?”

“I suppose that’s one way to blow off steam at work,” Xeul muttered. “Hang on, those things can activate the touchscreens. As soon as the room is empty I’ll have to do some checking. Better a foam dart than fingerprints.”

That night, about a half hour after midnight, when what guards there were on duty were not exactly glued to their monitors, Daemon took care of keeping them disinterested.

An invisible Tsuna stepped over to the warehouse and started working his way into one of the shipping containers. Five minutes later he could see the interior (thanks to a quick spell to provide light). A recycler was stashed inside.

He stepped back out and checked the numbers on the side, then headed over to the next one to check. Several hours later they had worked out the pattern of the identifiers, which meant he could check out those smaller containers. The smallest of them did have those devices inside, which was good, while the somewhat larger crates were either those machines they had seen in that one medbay or touchscreens with their accompanying hardware.

“All right, so, we should take a dozen each of recyclers, fabricators, and computers, plus a box of those devices. Then we can get in touch with Verde to see if he’d be willing to reverse engineer the stuff. Since we’ve been using my storage as our home…”

“Mine has the library,” Chikusa said.

“I will,” Hayato said, opening a window to show his. Given how many flames the man had it was a colourful place. It was shortly sporting quite a bit in the way of acquired goods, and everyone stepped over so they could crack open the crates.

“If nothing else, if we get them working, the crates themselves can be recycled,” Sin said.

“Well, let’s see,” he said, then opened a window to λ10. “Sorry to bother you, Ki-san,” he said, “but I’m open to suggestions as to food as repayment.”

Reborn gave him a warm smile and said, “Banoffee Pie.”

“Huh, okay, I can do that,” he replied.

“So what’s up?”

“We need a location for Verde. We have some tech here we’ve acquired and want to see if he can reverse engineer it. Recyclers, fabricators, and devices that we think interface with the fabricators in terms of fabrication plans. I’m hoping that in exchange for him being able to market the stuff on your end, we’ll get versions we know how to adapt if need be, and work up a library of plans.”

Reborn’s brow went up. “Recyclers? Fabricators? Like 3D printing?”

“Something like that. We dumped a bunch of stuff into a recycler, hit the button, and it converted all of it into cubes of material, organic, mineral, and synthetic. There was a fourth, exotic, but that’s a story in and of itself. If you can get us a picture of where Verde is, we can explain to the both of you at once.”

Reborn did a slow blink, then made use of his Leon phone to place a call. “Yeah, Verde, gonna need an image of where you are right now. Heul wants to talk. …Right, okay. …Should be just a minute after he sees the image. See you shortly.” After he hung up he checked his mail and opened the attachment, which turned out to be a video.

Tsuna zoomed in so he could get a good look and watched as Reborn let the video play. “Okay, cool. Hang on a second.” He pulled up another window, this one open to Verde’s location, then a third which windowed between Reborn and Verde, so they could all quite comfortably see each other. (In the time between his venture into the hallowed halls of Hogwarts and the present, Tsuna had become “better” at handling cross-dimensional windows, and it was no longer so tiring.)

“So, here’s the situation,” he said, then explained where they were and what they had encountered thus far. “We’re hoping that you’ll be able to reverse engineer these things, and ensure a power source. No idea how power hungry they are. And of course, the devices which may or may not be used to hold fabrication blueprints—which we’re still trying to get our hands on some so you can figure those out, too.”

Verde nodded. “Of course. I’ll have to set aside a lab for all of it, but yes, I’d be delighted to try my hand at figuring out highly advanced technology. You said the year is 2032, so I should be able to get some exceptional data from this, not to mention ideas.”

“How soon should I check back?”

Verde hummed thoughtfully. “Give me one week, then keep an eye on this location. I’ll have something ready by then and can give it my full attention.”

“Awesome. And while I know this is like sending a sugar addict into a sweets shop, I still want to know if there’s any particular foods you might like as a thank you.”

Verde hummed again. “I am partial to that cheesecake you make. It’s simply divine.”

He nodded. “I’ll make you one, then. It’d be better if I had a look at the inside of your refrigerator, though, so I could shift it straight there.”

“Certainly,” Verde said, then started to walk, the window following him. A short time later they were in a rather utilitarian kitchen. Verde popped open the fridge long enough for Tsuna to get a good look, then closed it.

“Perfect. A cheesecake will be delivered and we’ll check back in a week.”

“Later, you two,” Sin said with a wave.

Once the windows were stored (which was always a slightly weird thing considering he often did so from within his storage) he moved over to the kitchen area to get started.

“So for now we can continue to try to track down blueprints,” Daemon said. “There’s no point in just opening a window to a week from now Verde time if we don’t have any.”

“Well, while Sin and I work on this…”

“Of course, darling.”

“Oh look, an employee sleeping on the job,” Mukuro said. “I wonder what would happen to him if his device went missing?”

“Maybe it’d be a better idea to get one from someone who isn’t a grunt?” Hayato said.

“Probably, now that you mention it. We can always open windows into HQ, find someone to follow home, preferably from a design team or something. Or one of the workers up on the station.”

“Let’s try both.”

A week later (for λ10, anyway) Tsuna opened a window to the lab they had spoken to Verde in. The man was soldering something. Tsuna solved the issue of startling the man by shifting a fragrant piece of apple pie to a nearby table, so that the scent would hopefully clue the man in that check-in time had arrived.

A few minutes later Verde pushed up his mask and took a breath, then pivoted. “Ah.”

“Hiya! If you don’t want the pie, feed it to a minion or something.”

Verde nodded and picked up the plate and fork, and started to eat, then walked out of the room, clearly expecting them to follow (so to speak). A short time later he entered a new room, a fairly large one, that was mostly barren.

“This should do nicely,” he said, then shifted in a half dozen each of the recyclers and fabricators. The crate of devices (which they had learned were called TranScribes) had a full gross, so he shifted over a dozen of those, too, plus one that they had loaded up with the blueprints they had managed to get their hands on (Mukuro had gotten lucky enough to find a terminal with all sorts of blueprints on it they could download to the TranScribe, so he had loaded up nine of them.)

Verde practically quivered with excitement on seeing the tech and started eating faster.

“Let’s say … I check back each week? Or do you think a fortnight would be better?”

“A week,” Verde said. “By then I should have a more precise estimate of how long this will take me and can adjust check-in times accordingly.”

“The device with the green tag on it has a set of the blueprints we were able to recover, so you have something to work with from that end.”

Verde nodded, his eyes glued to his new toys. “I will see you in a week, then.”

“All right. Have fun.”

“Oh, I intend to.”

Tsuna stored the window and grinned at his family. “Well, he’s in heaven.”

Sin nodded. “I would say you should probably deliver food regularly to his kitchen, but you’d have to keep a window open the whole time to see when he did manage to surface long enough to deal with base needs.”

“Too intensive,” Xeul said with a shake of his head. “However, Heul could check in every six hours or so, just to see what he’s up to, and figure out when he’s headed for a meal.”

“And since I can open a window to _when_ I want…” He nodded. “Yeah, that’d work. Or I cook something now, and check while I’m doing it, until I hit a point where he’s practically in the kitchen. Shift over the food. That alone would give us an estimate as to how often he’d take a break.”

Daemon looked at Sin. “Any idea what he would appreciate most?”

Sin looked down in thought, (presumably) trying to remember mealtimes with the man during the time they were being bamboozled into becoming flame batteries. “Nothing especially sweet. He went more for plain fare, so steamed vegetables should be okay, boiled potatoes. As for meat, he seemed to favor chicken. Mild to moderate spices or herbs. But that was only when someone else was doing the cooking. On his own? He’d suck down a protein shake or whatever took the least amount of time to prepare, like simple sandwiches.”

Tsuna sighed, but he admitted he was a bit biased when it came to things like food. “I’ll start with something fairly simple, see how he reacts to it.”

A week later Verde’s time and he was properly checking in again. Verde had managed a connection between one of the terminals and one of his own computers and was busy tapping away at the keyboard.

That was something sorely missing on the terminals, in Tsuna’s opinion, as the touchscreens just couldn’t give the same kind of tactile and audible feedback as a good old-fashioned mechanical keyboard. Boop boop boop just didn’t do it for him.

As before, he shifted over a fragrant piece of apple pie and fork to alert the scientist that they were “connected”.

Verde’s nose twitched and his fingers slowed, then he looked to the side to see the offering. After snatching it up he turned around so his face could be seen.

“Verde,” Tsuna greeted. “How are things?”

“Coming along nicely,” Verde said after his neat forkful of pie. “And I thank you for the meals. They were delicious. I have managed to interface with their technology—the terminals, to start—and anticipate that I will have no difficulties doing the same with the recycler, fabricator, and the device, though for now I have transfered the fabrication plans to the terminal so that I can put copies on my computer and pick them apart.”

“Some of those we expect will be impossible to fabricate due to the need for exotic materials,” he said. “We kept an eye on things up at the station and our fears were realized. They released a mimic into a cage with one of their so-called volunteers.”

Verde leaned forward.

“The mimic sucked the life out of the man, then split off another three mimics, like mitosis on speed or something.”

“Fascinating. And then I assume they would kill one or more of them to gain materials for the recycler to convert to exotic materials.”

Tsuna forgave the man for not appearing to give a damn that humans were dying in the process. For all they knew, all those so-called volunteers were hardened criminals who had no business polluting the gene pool, so why not use them for testing? If they weren’t defects, well…

Verde pushed up his glasses, the light glinting off them in a stereotypically evil way. “Well, it is not something I’m going to worry about. Some of these blueprints will no doubt be useless, such as the psi hypo and the neuromod. I must also say that these neuromods are quite distasteful. Being able to simply imprint a lifetime of work into the brain of some random person is most vexing.”

“As I’m sure is the plot of many a sci-fi novel, I expect that TranStar is well on the way to starting an apocalypse,” Sin said.

Tsuna hummed. “Yeah. It’s one of the times when I’m hoping I die a hilariously stupid death early, just so we’re not caught up in it.”

“We can always hide in your storage,” Daemon said.

“Yeah, but then imagine just how insanely stupid my death would have to be,” he pointed out.

Verde chortled quietly, then had another bite of his pie.

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “How long before you think you’ll have a better handle on all this? I don’t know when or where it will come in useful to us, but I’d feel better knowing it was. On a side note, if you can make it fabricate larger objects, think about how much simpler it would be to get additional things for your labs. Just toss a bunch of junk into the recycler, fabricate a new electron microscope or whatever, or an MRI machine…”

Verde paused, seemingly lost in sheer adoration for the picture Tsuna was painting. “Check back every two weeks. I won’t say no to more food, but I do understand that you have things you must yourself do, and keeping me fed is not likely a priority.”

Tsuna shrugged. “Don’t be surprised if food appears in your fridge regardless. Or a portion of whatever meal we’re having. You’re doing us a favor, even if you’ll be getting quite a bit out of the venture yourself. Even if we do get bounced sooner than expected, it’s not like I can’t continue to keep in touch to see how you’re getting on with those things.”

“All right, then. I will continue my research and expect to hear from you regularly. And once I’ve gotten the transfer down smoothly, I can set up a machine that will allow you to move blueprints to and from those devices, including any I come up with. Flash drives are a dime a dozen, after all.”

“Will do.”

They were back on the station when it happened, when Tsuna got that sense of impending doom he would be helpless to avoid. They had been carefully cataloging the contents of the Hardware Labs, acquiring all sorts of goodies to pass on to Verde, when a running experiment in the Combustion Lab section went awry and blew out one of the exterior walls, causing a breach to space.

He was pushed out—having been there in person so he could manipulate one of the terminals—by the escaping air, with a heaping of explosive force from the accident, and had his head damn near ripped off by the jagged edges of metal.

When he checked back later, after awakening again, he saw that the body he’d been inhabiting had zoomed through space to score a bullseye on the T logo of one of the orbiting TranStar billboards.


	9. λ28: 09: Italy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The music musings from λ26 was prompted in part by [Wintergatan Soundtrack 01 - MUSIC BOX, HARP & HACKBRETT](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThYMEYtYC8o).
> 
> Personal e-book copies: [.azw3](http://ff.grazhir.com/samsara4/Samsara_%20Semi%20Sacred%20Geometry%20-%20Shivani.azw3), [.epub](http://ff.grazhir.com/samsara4/Samsara_%20Semi%20Sacred%20Geometry%20-%20Shivani.epub), [.mobi](http://ff.grazhir.com/samsara4/Samsara_%20Semi%20Sacred%20Geometry%20-%20Shivani.mobi).

## λ28  
09: Italy

He woke up staring at the sky, so at least he knew he had not awakened to the usual circumstances. The sky itself was a lovely blue, with some puffy clouds, so at least he wasn’t being wet on. The buildings in view screamed Europe—Italy, specifically—so he sat up and sighed, taking in the alley he was in.

‘Well, this is different,’ Mukuro commented.

‘Shall we head to storage and send out the usual windows?’ Daemon suggested.

Tsuna gave a slight nod, got up, and slipped through _Between_ to his storage. His family materialized, then windows went out hunting, both for a newspaper and a likely location. No one normal noticed when a newspaper did disappear between one second and the next.

“Hang on, I know this place,” Sin said. “We’re in Besate.”

“April of 1997,” his brother said as he checked the paper, then looked at him. “And you look around twenty.”

“Not to mention quite familiar,” Xeul added with a faint frown. “Though scruffy and in dire need of a shower.”

Tsuna’s brow went up, then he headed over to a mirror. He was surprised to see that his hair was blond, for one thing. His eyes were a shade off amber, leaning more to the yellow side. He also wasn’t as pretty as he usually was, which was both good and bad, but largely irrelevant as he could look like however he wanted.

“I vote for a heritage potion,” Mukuro said. “This new look of yours is disturbing, darling.”

“Heul?” Sin prodded, then walked over to wrap his arms around Tsuna. “You in there, tesoro?”

“…I have a bad feeling about this,” he said, “and I very much doubt it has anything to do with having my head near ripped off in a freak accident.”

“Was that a yes I heard?” Mukuro said. “If it’s bad news, better to know now and be able to account for it, than be blindsided later.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes and turned around. After he gave his lover a kiss, he nodded. “Sure. May as well get it over with.” He opened a window to λ15, to a Knockturn apothecary in the middle of the night, and looted what they would need. Everything was placed on a handy table, and he went off to go cook something.

His name was Seta Kaiyo, born to Seta Flavia and Sawada Ietsuna. Tsuna sat on his hands so he didn’t flip a table or something. “I’m a bastard child again!?” He glared up at the ceiling and shook his head. “Right. I can see keeping the Seta part, but unless there’s a good reason not to, I’m thinking of using Heul this life.”

Daemon shifted uncomfortably. “Heul darling, you seem to be missing the really important part here. The part where you’re half-brother to the Tsow?”

The timer went off, so he “escaped” to the kitchen so he could take his muffins out and slam the pan on the counter. To loosen them up, of course. Not because he was furious or anything.

Hayato was the one to stroll over like nothing was wrong and start some tea. “You’re going to have to wait a few years to off the defect,” he said conversationally.

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “That and we have to find out who he married, assuming he’s even married yet. How old am I?”

“Twenty,” Chikusa called from the other “room”.

He hummed. “That means… You know what? I’ve changed my mind.”

“How so?”

“Xanxus is five right now if I’m doing the math right. He’ll be six later in the year. We have time to get into place where we could have a positive influence on the kid.”

Daemon poked his head around the edge of the refrigerator. “What happened to ‘valuable personal growth time’?”

“I’m willing to bend for once,” he said, then carefully extracted the muffins from the pan and placed them on a wire rack. “And I’m curious. Besides, twice now as a bastard child and I’m starting to feel a tiny bit of sympathy for his circumstances of birth.”

“It’s safe again,” Daemon stage-whispered to the others, then stepped into the kitchen fully. “Would you like me to do a browse of your pre-awakening memories, or would you prefer to poke around yourself?”

“…You’re welcome to do it and give me the highlights after.”

Sin approached, plucked a muffin off the rack, and took a seat at the table. “I have an idea,” he said, then bit into his muffin.

Tsuna leaned against the counter, absently accepting a cup of oolong from Hayato, and stared. Either Sin was being a troll—always possible—or he was refining the idea in his mind while he ate.

“Both,” Sin said between bites.

He sipped his tea and observed, some of his good humor returning on seeing how much his lover enjoyed a simple muffin, and finally took one for himself.

“Mafia School,” Sin said after wiping his hands on a napkin.

Tsuna blinked; that had all sorts of possibilities.

“It does,” Sin said with a nod, “and as a bonus, we’re practically next door to it right now. It’s to the west of town, in a forest, on an island between a split offshoot of the river. Kids are required by law to attend school until they’re sixteen in Italy—”

“Which was the age he was when he initiated the Cradle Affair.”

“—so in theory we’d have access to the kid for years. You could take over the kitchen there, and I could help. Hayato could teach mathematics or something. I’d say the twins could slide into running the place, but that might be a bit much for the Alliance to swallow.”

“Aside from being a mostly normal boarding school, do they even teach about flames there? I’d think the various famiglie would be teaching their kids that,” Chikusa said, having padded over silently to acquire his own food and drink.

“They do, actually, though it’s not compulsory. I was thinking we could get Heul in as a cook, possibly head chef, with me as his assistant, then start sliding in some or all of the rest of us. By the time the kid showed up, with us helping Teo-jiji to make that decision, we’d be comfortably ensconced.”

“And in a position to, in theory, make a positive difference in his life,” Ken said, “though… I could see us driving it home that family doesn’t have to start with blood. I don’t give a fuck if the kid keeps calling everyone trash, so long as he gets what family is. Not Levi, though, or Ottavio.”

“To be fair, those two were already part of the Varia and he inherited them after Squalo defeated Tyr and handed it all over to him,” Chikusa said. “But there’s no reason Ottavio can’t suffer an accident at a good moment, and the same for Levi. Or we find someone who is decent as a Lightning and get him promoted in place of Levi.”

Daemon hummed thoughtfully. “We’ll have plenty to investigate, it seems,” he said, eyeing his twin and Mukuro.

“On a side note, now that Verde has those machines running, shouldn’t we be putting up walls and such? Make an actual house here in your storage? It seems utterly silly not to have done so already, even with the house trunk handy,” Chikusa said.

His Mists came back from spying with peculiar expressions, so he whipped up a simple meal of BLTs and chips to serve, then settled in to (presumably) be annoyed.

“First,” Daemon said, “the Arcobaleno in this dimension are already cured.”

His brows went up in surprise, and he was not the only one. “Actual proof that dissemination is working? But through who? Byakuran isn’t even born yet, is he?”

Daemon shook his head. “I mean, he’s alive, but he was only just born, so it wasn’t him on this side. No, it came through Luce, presumably via Byakuran or Aria or even Yuni in another dimension. Either way, we don’t have to worry about the Arcobaleno this time.”

“With any luck, that’ll start happening more often,” Chikusa said. “It’s not that I mind doing the work, but to see proof that passing along the solution is working is just…”

“Really awesome,” he said. “Okay, I’m very pleased to hear that. What else have you uncovered?”

“Daniela is alive,” Xeul said, “for one thing. She is presently seventy-two years old and when she retired she took over Mafia School.”

Tsuna set his sandwich down, not sure whether to feel pleased or concerned.

“She seems to be quite the character,” Xeul continued. “I don’t think we’re going to have any problems with her specifically. And besides, she likely has the Vongola Hyper Intuition, so she’s going to know you aren’t there applying so you can cause trouble.”

“And she might also get a nudge telling her I’m related,” he said unhappily. “Trying to engineer a way into that school…”

“There’s a café she likes to frequent,” Mukuro said, “and their current cook is considering the idea of retiring. He asked that they bring in a second one so that if he does retire, the café won’t be left in a lurch.”

“So I slide in—and I suppose I could stick with my current identity and ask to be called Kai rather than manufacturing a new identity—and she notices the change in food, then the present cook decides not to retire while Daniela poaches me away for her school.”

“All the more reason for me to poke around in your pre-awakening memories before we move forward on the opportunity,” Daemon said. “If there’s anything in there we need to be wary of, it’s best we know now.”

Tsuna nodded and continued his meal.

“Then once we’re finished eating, I will do so.”

“The rest of us, however, definitely need manufactured identities,” Hayato said. “And some of us look far too much like Giotto’s bunch to stick with our normal appearances. I seem to recall something about how Daniela’s hero was Giotto, and I’m going to bet she’d notice if any of us came to visit as we are.”

Tsuna wrinkled his nose. “My own face needs to be changed. I mean, c’mon, I have blond hair again, for fuck’s sake, and the more I think about what I saw in the mirror, the more I realize I look too much like the Tsow. He’s already known and a part of CEDEF.”

“You presenting yourself as a Cloud would help mitigate part of that,” Sin said, “because even I couldn’t fathom a Cloud who was also a Sky, but I agree, your face needs to change.”

“Finally, the Tsow is currently unmarried. We’ll have to take a deeper look to see if he even knows Nana, or if he’s looking elsewhere so he can carry on the bloodline.”

“I admit, it would be interesting in a weird way to be in a world where the son of the Tsow and Nana wasn’t born,” he said.

“And infinitely poorer,” Sin said. “Then again, no rescuing the poor kid from all manner of ills.”

Tsuna shrugged uncomfortably. “If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d ensure the Tsow couldn’t have kids in the first place. But, that’d mean Giotto’s known line would die. And speaking of which…” He eyed his twins.

“Ah, right,” Xeul said. “We need to have a chat with him.”

Daemon finished off his meal, had a sip of tea, then eyed Tsuna’s plate.

“Yes, yes, darling, I’m done. Let’s go sit on the sofa,” he said, then got up.

Hayato hopped up to handle the dishes, which was thoughtful of him, and was quickly assisted by Ken, who was generally always thoughtful—

“I heard that!” Hayato called after him.

Tsuna rolled his eyes and slumped onto the sofa, leaned back, and closed his eyes. He could feel Daemon’s delicate touch a second later and just let his mind wander. He was still more than a bit pissed off that he was the Tsow’s half-brother, and that he was a bastard child for the second time, straddling two countries which both looked down on them at best, and actively abused them at worst. At least the name Seta was found in both Italy and Japan (though it was not common in his country of origin), so it would not be particularly remarkable.

“It was the result of…?” Daemon said leadingly.

“Another drunken fling? Seriously?”

His brother nodded. “However, there is an upside. Sort of. You grew up in an orphanage. From what I can decipher from these memories—and let me tell you, it is not easy to interpret the memories of a baby—she was on her way to drop you off at an orphanage when an accident took her life. Her body was never identified, so your body was never tagged with the bastard label, though I wouldn’t doubt they wondered.”

He shrugged. “That’s something, anyway. And this body’s life, at least recently?”

“Currently homeless, and quite a good thief from the looks of it. I didn’t see anything that would cause problems. We just need to make sure the ID you were carrying is still valid and, if not, get that fixed. Or, well, get it fixed no matter what, as you’ll be changing that face.”

Tsuna charmed his way into an interview at the Narino Café and was promptly set a test by the resident chef to see how good (or bad) of a cook he was. He tried to tone down whatever it was he did that made his cooking so special and desired, but only succeeded a little in making it more ‘excellent cook’ as opposed to ‘food of the gods’ if the expression on the faces of the cook and owner were anything to go by.

Those two were all smiles and secret glances and the next thing he knew he was being prodded to demonstrate his skill at desserts. Which he did, simultaneously whipping up three different things to nosh on (chocolate-banana bread muffins, cinnamon-chocolate-coffee cupcakes, and strawberry tarts), and was subsequently treated to near twittering in their excitement.

They excused themselves so they could speak in private for a moment. Tsuna nodded and set to cleaning up after himself, as well as arranging the goods on a tray—for all he knew they’d be selling the things as a test—and focused on them again once they returned.

“I think a trial period is in order,” the owner said, trying hard (and failing) not to be visibly gleeful.

Tsuna shrugged. “Okay.”

When asked his secret, he said muttered something about a love of cooking and the resolve to make it the best food ever.

Daniela showed up a week later to have a meal (which the cook handled, as she was a regular and spent quite a lot of money feeding herself and the coterie of guards that positioned themselves at the outside tables) and distinctly paused when she got to the dessert part of the meal.

That had been crafted by Tsuna, wearing his Heul disguise, and going by Kai Seta. Daniela inhaled delicately, then took a careful bite, her eyes lighting up in pleasure and surprise. The owner and cook were spying from the kitchen, judging her reaction and nodding to themselves.

The next time she arrived Tsuna was the one to handle her party’s meals. Daniela was delighted by the food if her expression was anything to go by. She had, as with the last time, used her flames to check for poisons and the like, but it was so discreetly done that likely no one but him noticed it.

It took a month of visits before Daniela stated making noises about meeting this new cook they were trialling, and when Tsuna strolled out, looking innocent and confused, her eyes sharpened slightly. She could clearly tell he was so much more than his façade. “Have a seat, young man,” she said pleasantly, waving an elegant hand at a chair.

He took one and slid into a serene smile. “Thank you.”

She stared at him, her expression gentle and yet hungry. “I must commend you for your cooking skills…”

“Kai Seta,” he supplied obligingly.

She smiled. “I have an offer for you,” she said conversationally, like she wasn’t the retired Dona of the bloodiest, most powerful famiglia in the world.

His brow went up marginally, expressing a cautious interest. “I am on a trial-run basis here and do not know if I will be retained, so I admit to being curious as to this offer.”

She gave him a look that, while subtle, said she knew he was intentionally downplaying his abilities. “I run a boarding school nearby,” she said, “and after tasting your cooking, would like to extend an offer for you to become our head chef.”

“Boarding school?” he said quietly. “Um… Er, what kind of… How many students and what kind of perquisites? I mean, would I be maintaining my own residence or…? Um…”

She smiled again, like she thought she had him, not getting the part where she was being reeled in. “Staff have the option to live in-house, as it were, and as head chef you would have a suite, not just a bedroom. From what I have experienced, it is stressful running a kitchen for a boarding school and you would want a bit more in the way of living accommodations. As for the students, there are roughly two hundred. It is an elite school, so we can afford to be choosy.”

‘And afford to jack up the price accordingly,’ he thought, and wondered when she was going to spring the mafia bit on him. Not in a public café, he assumed. Then again, if he was “just a cook”, he might never be overtly made aware, assuming some kid didn’t splash flames around in a fit of pique.

“How about we set an appointment for you to tour the school’s kitchen, the apartment, and discuss details?” she suggested.

He nodded agreeably. “Um…”

“Would Saturday be agreeable? Perhaps two o’clock? By then lunch would be over and things a bit less harried.” She retrieved a business card and slid it across the table to him.

A glance showed the address, which placed the school right where Sin had mentioned, off the Ticino River. It was named accordingly, Ticino Academy, but it had always been known just as Mafia School. The locals had a tendency to look westward, curiously, jealously in the case of the younger people, and wonder just what such obviously wealthy people were doing over there that they required so much room and the cover of all those trees, for a school, not to mention the river offshoots providing a form of defense.

“Two o’clock sounds fine,” he said, still not bringing up that she had never mentioned her name, nor provided proof that she ran the place. He was, after all, just an innocent, clueless, civilian cook, who wouldn’t know flames if you smacked him with some. “Um…”

“I will ensure the gate personnel are aware you will be visiting,” she said, answering the unspoken question.

The serene smile slid back onto his face as he nodded. She could take that to mean he used it as a response to anxiety or whatever if she pleased—how adorable and all that this clearly part-Asian man was playing to stereotypes, and other such examples of attempted mind-fuckery.

After she left, gracefully collecting her coterie of guards along the way, the owner and cook looked torn between pleasure and annoyance. Tsuna’s cooking had seen an upsurge in patronage by the locals, and if he took the offer they would settle back to the old numbers. On the other hand, it counted as something of a coup for them in their minds, having “discovered” this amazing cook.

Tsuna trundled on up to the formidable (to anyone not Samsara, maybe) gates that were the only legitimate entrance to the academy grounds and stopped next to the gatehouse, where a handful of guards lounged.

One hopped up and gave him a once-over, compared him to a photograph Daniela had clearly gotten one of her people to take on the sly, and asked for his ID. Tsuna handed it over, listened to the men hum and watched them scrutinize the thing, then accepted it back.

“Just follow the road,” the guard said. “You’ll be met at the front doors.”

Tsuna nodded, tucked his ID away, and trundled off. It was a nice walk, all told. Mature trees lined the drive in a somewhat too-orderly fashion, but they provided shade from the scorching sun. They were mature enough to overlap each other, so the road was more like a tunnel of cool, shady greenery. There were even little spots along the way with wooden benches, solar lights, and discreet trash bins.

Daniela met him at the doors to the imposing structure. He already knew from a fly-by with a window that the building was a hollow square, with the dining hall (and kitchen) in the middle of the central courtyard. Classrooms were on the ground floor (and underground plus behind the building in the case of athletic, weapon, and flame-training fields), and upper floors were mostly dedicated to living space, with rooms for staff and students alike.

Daniela took him on a tour, pointing things out along the way, and showing him the suite which would be his should he accept the job, then took him down to the kitchen, where the staff was mostly in clean-up mode prior to gearing up for dinner service.

Tsuna’s interest sharpened as he watched the quiet efficiency, but it was not until they had exited and were seated in her office that he said, “What about the existing head chef?”

“Ah, Alberto has some family issues and needs to leave us,” she said vaguely.

Tsuna only knew that family meant famiglia, and he was being recalled for some bullshit reason like cranking out babies for the bloodline or some such. Not his business, except the part where he was out and Tsuna was in. That his Mists probably had everything to do with Alberto being recalled was a minor detail.

He nodded understandingly, in that “I’m a clueless civilian” way and said, “Um… From what I’ve seen I think I’d enjoy it here.”

If she had done her homework—or had her people do it—she would already know that Kaiyo Seta was only just pulling himself up from homelessness and making a life for himself, so an offer like hers had to be incredibly appealing.

Salary was mentioned—he affected to react with poorly concealed pleasure at the amount, trying to play it cool and not quite managing it—and said that sounded agreeable. By the time the meeting was over he had signed a contract (after ensuring there was an out if he chose to bail), and was given a key to that suite.

“You officially start the Monday after next, Signore Seta,” she said, smiling when he mumbled that “Kai” was fine, “but you can move in any time prior to that. I’ll update the gatehouse and, if you have a vehicle, they’ll take down the relevant information when you next arrive.”

He nodded and allowed himself to be escorted to the front doors, farewelled her, and trundled back to his (ostensible) shithole of a home.

Everyone looked quite pleased when he entered storage and slumped into a seat. “Playing poor, confused civilian for a sharp lady like Daniela is tiring,” he complained. “Hopefully she’ll just be pleased with the upgrade in food and mostly leave me alone. Though how I’m going to finagle Sin into a job there…”

“Or anyone else, for that matter,” Sin said.

Mukuro scoffed. “We give it enough time, then one of the kitchen staff is given motivation to leave, giving Heul the opportunity to suggest Sin, or Sin applies out of the blue, sending his application directly to Heul, who shares it with Daniela.”

“Even if you’re the only one hired there,” Xeul said, “we can live in storage and hang out in your room, too. No one has to know we’re there. Tsuna alone is probably enough to get Xanxus at least mildly interested in the cook, which leads to therapy of a sort.”

Tsuna rolled his eyes; he did that too often, he realized, but sometimes it was the only response. “One of you could get a delivery job,” he suggested. “They must get their supplies from somewhere, and not necessarily from a Vongola or Alliance supply depot.”

“That would mean maintaining a residence in town, but it’s not a bad idea,” Hayato said.

“We’ll check into it,” Mukuro said on behalf of his Mists.

Tsuna was having a grand time as head chef and charming his underlings as they went about their jobs, not to mention teaching them when they had the time to spare. He had taken to holding informal classes after the dinner service for anyone who was interested in improving their techniques, deepening their understanding, or just for fun.

In theory that could include students as well, though anyone who could afford to have their child educated at Mafia School could also afford servants, and would be unlikely to even think of educating their child(ren) in what Tsuna considered basic life skills.

However, Tsuna could make a case for someone like Xanxus, that suspicious, wary child, to wish to learn, if only to ensure his food wasn’t being poisoned. He didn’t know if Xanxus had learned, at any point, how to test his food the way Tsuna could. The cooks for the Varia were well-vetted and probably quite intimidated, and any behavior that suggested they were likely to poison anyone would be visible and easily noticed, unless they had nerves of steel and had managed to hide too much from an investigation into them.

Tsuna only got in so easily because he had been so damn young at the time and went after rapists and the like, things absolutely not approved of by Vongola and the alliance. Well, that and he was a Misty Cloud in full control of his flames. Someone that young and mentally stable (ostensibly), with command of their flames, would have been counting coup, against allies and enemies alike, to obtain the services of.

Daniela had not (nor anyone else) clued him in to the school being mafia, and he expected they never would unless he saw something that could not be ignored. He _had_ noticed discreet Mist barriers in various places, but rather than keying in people allowed through them, they were keyed against specific people—namely, those not in the know, from what he could tell.

They wouldn’t stop him, but he acted as though he could not see or sense them and never once gave notice that he even realized there were doors there to be confused about. He supposed that if he himself ever showed unmistakable evidence of being active he might be whisked off to be taught (and probably pitched the idea of joining Vongola).

As it was, Samsara had gone over every inch of the school, profiled all the students and staff (partly so they knew who could be manipulated into leaving, thus opening a staff slot for one of them), and set up their own protections. Tsuna’s suite was a veritable fortress all on its own with the protections they had erected, and the best part was that no outsider would even notice them or recognize them for what they were.

“Teo-jiji has acquired a new son,” Xeul reported, smirking dangerously. “And, has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to send him here.”

Tsuna returned the smirk with one of his own. He squashed the urge to steeple his fingers and let out an ominous chuckle, mostly because he had no evil intentions and had no idea if he would succeed in getting past the thorny barrier of the brat’s personality.

“The kid is scheduled to arrive here next week,” Xeul continued. “A look into the rolls has him in a room by himself. Didn’t think it was important whether it was Daniela or Teo-jiji who arranged that, but we can check if you want.”

He shook his head. “Something to do only if it becomes suddenly relevant. However, if the child should develop a habit of seeking out late night snacks and keep running into sweet, harmless me…”

Half the room snorted.

They had put those recyclers and fabricators to good use, along with any number of blueprints Verde had whipped up. A proper house stood proudly in Tsuna’s storage, lavish in the space it occupied, with bedrooms for everyone, a chef’s wet dream of a kitchen, a game room, a warehouse for all the things Tsuna kept acquiring, and so forth.

Ken had wanted a mud wrestling pit for some insane reason, but had been firmly shot down. In response, he had buried a huge chunk of “outside” space in top quality soil and enclosed it with beams, then started a garden. Considering that most of the worlds they had visited had advanced to the point of being able to simulate sunlight, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Add some insectaries, a water source, a flower bed, and a host of beneficial bugs, and things were set up decently.

Tsuna had taken one look at the setup and started scribing a rune border to keep those insects contained. He did not need ants marching into the house in search of anything they deemed food. It was beside the point that the majority of their supplies were in the pantry trunk and the ones in the house were sealed up tighter than a miser’s purse, mostly to keep anything from interfering with the stasis charms.

“What?” he said innocently. “I’m just a clueless civilian, ne?”

The first time he “met” Xanxus was while he was busy baking a cheesecake. His crew had already left for the evening, so he had the place to himself. Muffins he had done earlier were on the counter in case he felt peckish while working.

The dark-haired, red-eyed hellion crept into the kitchen as if on a mission. Given that the child had grown up in the bad part of town and was probably accustomed to scrounging for food, or stealing it, his entry was not out of character.

“Hey,” he said. “If you’re looking for a snack, there are some muffins.”

Xanxus gave him a suspicious glare.

“What? You think you’re the first child to come creeping in here at night looking to score food? I often bake things after my crew has left, so I keep things handy to snack on, as well as for anyone who wanders in.” He gestured at the muffins, then turned back to the oven so he could reduce the temperature for the third part of the bake.

Xanxus quietly padded over, keeping a cautious eye on him, and grabbed two of the muffins.

“You’re welcome to stay here to eat them if you want,” he said, “and you can take a couple more if you’re that hungry. Otherwise, have a good night.”

“…What are you making now?” Xanxus asked, peeling the liner off one of his muffins.

“Cheesecake, though it’s not an Italian-style one. I’m quite fond of New York-style cheesecakes. Without a crust, of course. Those are for pansies. I’m also fond of Japanese-style cheesecakes, but that’s more a cultural thing.”

Xanxus took a better look at him. “…Cultural thing?”

“I am half Japanese and it’s not as if I’ve never lived there,” he replied. “There’s a whole world of food out there to explore and enjoy. Well, assuming you can speak the language well enough to not get shafted or tricked by someone who thinks it’s amusing to fuck with the foreigner.”

Xanxus blinked at (presumably) hearing a civvie adult swear like that in front of a child.

“It’s not just food, of course. It’s ideas, too, new ways of thinking, of looking at problems, new ways to approach issues. And even that applies to food. You have to make adjustments if you plan to cook up in the mountains, just like you have to make adjustments if the environment is too humid or too dry.

“Cultural things also include knowing something about how a society acts or reacts, what their customs are, and what’s going to piss them off and make them think a person is disrespectful. You have to know the rules before you can tell what you’re safe in ignoring or mocking.”

“…This, coming from a cook?” Xanxus muttered, peeling the liner off his second muffin.

“Cooks and barkeeps get to meet all kinds of people, kid. Some people out there treat the people who feed them as dirt, and then are surprised when their food isn’t quite as good as they’re expecting, or the crew has tragically run out of whatever it was they were most hoping for. Accidents do happen, you know.”

“So you’re a passive-aggressive fuck?”

“At times, yes,” he said easily. “Not that much different from going to see a doctor, giving the nurse a hard time, and then she gives _you_ a hard time by jabbing those needles in a bit too hard, or missing the vein repeatedly, or any number of things they can do to make their displeasure known without giving cause to be fired. Cooking or people, it’s all the same to me. You have to understand what the rules are before you know how you can fuck with them.”

He turned off the oven for the last phase, then grabbed two muffins and took a seat.

“Interesting life advice,” a female voice said.

“Hey, boss,” he said. “Did you come for muffins? Because we’ve almost eaten them all.”

Daniela smiled and grabbed two for herself, though she also grabbed a small plate to rest them on before taking a seat. She daintily peeled off a liner and took a bite, then hummed in pleasure. “Just how is it you’re such a good cook, Kai?”

“You mean because of my background, right?” he said baldly.

“Yes,” she said. “I imagine it was difficult for you to gain such skill under those circumstances.”

He chuckled. “I knew you had to have run a background check on me back then. A classy lady like you wouldn’t miss a trick.”

She smiled again.

“As for how? That’s easy—to me, at least. I simply imagine all the love I feel for my family and pour it into the food. Just because I’m not always cooking for them doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do my best. That’d be an insult to the profession.”

“…Background?”

Tsuna looked at the boy. “I’m a damn good thief, kid, though I always targeted people who were on the wrong side of the moral horizon. No point in going after decent people just trying to live their lives, or people who can’t afford to lose what little they have. That shit just ain’t right.”

“A modern day Robin Hood?” Xanxus asked derisively, proving that the kid had found some solace in books along the way.

Tsuna scoffed. “Fuck no. I know what it’s like to be at the bottom, and how others like it are. Most of them would smack you silly at the thought of charity. If they wanted that they could go to food banks or talk to a priest. Admittedly, I did get lucky that that café was looking for a potential replacement, which led me to here. If I was going to hand out charity I’d work at a soup kitchen in my off time.”

“And your family did the same?”

“Of course. I mean, they aren’t blood family or nothing, but that don’t mean shit half the time. The triplets are mean sons of bitches, and the others aren’t far behind.”

“And what do they do?” Daniela asked, as if they weren’t discussing a family of criminals.

“This and that. The triplets are very persuasive, for one. They could probably sell ice cubes to Eskimos, as the saying goes. Hayato is a very good accountant and tends to make a ton of cash come tax time from people who are both bad with forms and afraid of maths. Ken is very good with animals, and gardening, surprisingly. It took a while to get on our feet once we ended up here, but whatever. I think Sen got a job as a delivery guy, though Kami knows why. He’s almost as good of a cook as I am.”

“Oh?” Daniela prompted.

He nodded. “We ran a pop-up stand in Japan to make the money to leave the country.” And hadn’t that taken some time to get all the fake backgrounds into place. “You would not believe how unhinged prim and proper Japanese fangirls can get,” he said with a shudder of faked remembrance. “I want your cream buns, Kai-sama~!” he said in a falsetto voice.

Xanxus snickered, which was decidedly odd to hear.

“Yeah, you think it’s funny now, kid, but just wait ’til you get older and have fangirls after you for your looks. I can already tell you’re going to grow up to be a heartbreaker. You won’t be laughing then, you’ll be beating them off with a stick and getting whatever family you gather around you to help.”

Daniela chortled quietly and finished off the last of her muffins. “Well, that’s enough for one night, I suppose. I do hope I’ll be getting some of that cheesecake tomorrow?”

He nodded. “It’s for the upper staff for dinner, though even at that size, no one will be getting a very big piece of it.”

“I look forward to it. Good evening, you two,” she said, then glided on out.

Tsuna assumed she had both assuaged her curiosity and made certain her head chef wasn’t going to do anything rude to her adopted grandson.

“Thief, huh?”

“Yeah,” he said soberly. “I’ve spent more than a few years on the streets.” Never mind that it had been a different life entirely. “Some people never pull on their big girl panties and do something, and instead end up dead in a ditch somewhere, or frozen. Seen that before, wasn’t pretty, like an ice sculpture from hell.” The kid didn’t need to know he was referencing a scene from a movie.

Xanxus grunted and got up to toss his liners in the bin. “Later,” he said as he exited the kitchen.

Tsuna’s mouth quirked up at the corner. He had another forty five minutes to go before he could take the cheesecake out, but he had made a good start at getting through to the kid.

Xanxus showed up a few nights later looking for more food, so Tsuna obligingly pointed at the lemon tarts he had made as a snack.

“What’re you making this time?” the kid asked, settling in with a small plate of lemony goodness.

“Chocolate cake for tomorrow’s dinner,” he said, idly watching the stand mixers beat the everloving fuck out of the buttercream frosting in the making.

“Why so early?”

“Because the icing needs time to cure. The vanilla in it tastes too raw when it’s freshly made, so I let it sit for at least four hours, if not overnight before using it. The cake itself is impossibly moist due to the way it’s made, so serving it tomorrow evening won’t be an issue.”

“So why a cook?”

“Because I’m good at it,” he said. “Because it allows me a way to show my family I love them without being overly mushy about it.”

“The family that ain’t blood,” Xanxus said accusingly.

Tsuna sighed and shot the kid a look. “Blood ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, kid. Sometimes the family you choose, and who chooses you back, is the only family that counts, or counts the most. Chosen family doesn’t stab you in the back, they watch it for you, just like you watch theirs. ‘I got your six’ means more than just some line in a military drama.

“Chosen family knows what your thoughts are before you even open your mouth, and you know theirs. But that takes a fuckton of trust and belief. I don’t much care for maths, but Hayato has my back, as does Sen. Half of ’em can’t cook to save their lives, but I can and so can Sen. Ken gardens, to help provide us with fresh vegetables. We’re a team and a family, and we’ll fuck up anyone who tries to mess with us.”

Xanxus grunted; Tsuna couldn’t help but think of the Uchiha. Still, the kid was in the “why” phase of life, which wasn’t a bad thing. The more questions he asked, the more Tsuna could push him into obtaining a real family for himself, not whatever bullshit Teo-jiji passed off as one. And speaking of which…

Hey, you did mention pranking the everloving shit out of him.

He dropped his chin slightly. Start planning~! Tsuna could almost hear the maniacal laughter that provoked.

Xanxus shot him another suspicious look.

Tsuna grinned toothily. “Just remembering something I’d planned to do. How’re the tarts?”

“These?” Xanxus looked a little confused by the change of subject. “They’re okay.”

Which meant “food of the gods” in Xanxus-speak, he was sure. Reasonably sure, anyway.

“I’ll have to make more lemon curd,” he muttered.

“So if you got a family, how come they never come visit you?”

Tsuna blinked. “This is a boarding school with high security. I go see them.”

“Is that why the food ain’t as nice on the weekends?”

“Yeah, probably. I’ve been trying to teach my crew to have the same love for cooking, but some of them just see it as a job. For some people that’s just how it is. Do the job, earn money, sleep, rinse and repeat. It just seems kind of empty to me.” He reached over to turn off the stand mixers, then got out sealable plastic tubs and started transferring the icing into them.

The cakes were already on the counter, cooling. Once they had done so he’d snap the lids into place to protect them. Sheet cakes made a lot more sense in a boarding school. Sure, not everyone could get a coveted corner piece, but oh well.

“How many?”

Tsuna paused for a moment, trying to figure out how many of what the kid meant. “Family?”

Xanxus nodded.

“Ah, there’s eight of us. I gained a brother at first, then his brother, then three more, then one, then the last.”

“Will there be more?”

“Probably not. We’ve been through a lot together.” An understatement if there ever was one. “What about you, kid? Made any friends here at the academy? I don’t know the students all that well since I’m usually in my kitchen, but there must be some here who aren’t idiots or suck ups or high on their own press.”

Xanxus snorted derisively. “Suck ups, yeah. Plenty of those, all of ’em lookin’ for—” He stopped, evidently remembering there were some things you didn’t share with the allegedly clueless civilian cook.

“A stepping stone in the form of the more fortunate?” he said.

Xanxus nodded. “Boot lickers.”

Tsuna wrinkled his nose. “Those sorts are just as likely to stab you in the back the second they get what they want, thinking if you were stupid enough to fall for their act, you’ll be stupid enough to not notice the shiv aimed at or in your kidney. Paranoia as a way of life is pretty wearing, but it can also keep you alive. Well, so long as you find people you can trust with your life to help bear any burdens.”

“And keep an eye on your back,” Xanxus said slowly, (presumably) not entirely convinced about the merits of that strange thing called a friend—or possibly a trusted associate.

“And you on theirs. Friendship goes both ways, after all. Trust is earned, respect is earned, fear is earned. But, well, you learn a few things on the streets.” He shrugged and reached for a tart after pushing the containers of icing off the side. “There was this one kid I knew. He used tonfa. An absolute demon with those things. But without them?” He scoffed.

“Got his ass kicked?”

“Oh yeah. He never bothered to work on anything else. Once he gained a reputation he skated by on it a lot, so the one time I saw someone disarm him, well… It wasn’t pretty. He bounced back, though, and learned from it.”

“And you?”

Tsuna laughed. “I am hopeless with weapons. I’m more likely to stick myself with a knife than I am a thug trying to shake me down for whatever money I have. Punching shit is surprisingly good stress relief, though. Let me tell you, kid, kneading dough really works on your arm muscles. Helps for other things, as necessary.”

Xanxus gave him another one of those looks. “You equate practically everything to cooking, don’t you?”

He smiled. “Starving can do that for you.”

“So, how do we plan to troll Teo-jiji and his pack of whiny bitches?”

“It can’t be anything that would bring him into disfavor during meetings with outsiders—or anyone, really, who isn’t his pack of whiny bitches.”

“Sad but true.”

“We could try the haunt again,” Daemon said, “but it honestly didn’t work that well in λ15. It was amusing as hell, but… Daniela is still alive.”

“There’s always the stupid stuff we can do while thinking up something better,” Ken said, “like painting his bedroom in an eye-searing orange. And glitter. Glitter bombs.”

Tsuna wrinkled his nose, then grinned. “In theory, we could arrange for an anchored illusion in his room, such as tucked under a floorboard or up in the ceiling cavity. What are the odds of them even finding the anchor? Especially if it has a keep-away on it?”

Sin cackled. “So even trying to paint over the walls would be useless.”

“Maybe the odd exploding toilet or bidet from a back-up in line pressure?” Hayato suggested.

“That’d be one hell of an enema,” Ken said crudely; he was grinning viciously.

“We could use what we did that one time,” Xeul said. “The barest hint of malaclaw venom, but not in their food. That’d implicate the cooks. That and we’d have to verify whether or not they regularly check their food, despite being in the relative safety of the Iron Fort.”

Tsuna frowned. “Well, assuming they do check, they might not be checking properly. I mean, what if the utensils were tainted. Would a random spot check catch that? But again, that would mean the cooking staff would get raked over the coals, most likely, or the serving staff. Let’s table that one for now. Too much of a risk of innocent people being blamed.”

“Mists would get eyed up with the fake paint job,” Sin said, “but those would be actual flame-users and subject to random loyalty checks anyway.”

Mukuro scoffed. “As if. Maybe in a proper family, not one like Vongola where everyone just assumes no one would ever dare stab them in the back from the inside. But yes, let’s table that one. I was hoping for inconveniences and minor embarrassments, not famiglia-wide witch hunts.”

“For pranksters rather than spies or traitors, at least,” Chikusa said.

“Coins,” he said. “Something subtle.”

His family gave him curious looks.

“One centesimo at a time. Placed in places you might expect to find them at first, so on his chair, desk, a pocket. Then odder places, like his bed, his shoe, and so forth. Then weirder. A bar of soap, his meal, and so forth. Individually it should be fine, especially at the beginning, but as time goes on I expect it to be incredibly annoying and make him a bit paranoid.”

“There’s an old classic,” Sin said. “Move everything in his bedroom and/or office an inch to the side. People get ingrained, automatic steering, so to speak, with experience. Should be good for some knee bumping and such.”

“And moving the items on the desk itself,” Hayato added.

“Back to glitter bombs,” Ken said. “One exploding on him along with a sign that reads something like, ‘Congratulations for not screwing anything up today’. Or a Bianchi assault via love letters showing up on his desk.”

“A thing of breath mints on his desk every so often, as well as his bedside table?” Chikusa said. “A subtle move on someone’s part, presumably, that he needs better oral hygiene.”

“Haunted artwork?” Daemon said. “Subtle shifting smoke in the corners of some pieces, then just the barest hint of a suggestion of a face, something lurking there, and see how long it takes to turn them all into paranoid wrecks.”

“A stampede of lemmings through the Iron Fort?”

“Repaint all their cars in the colours of their flames?”

“Penguins with lasers on their heads?”

“I like all of it so far,” he said, “except the venom. And maybe the laser penguins. So while I’m working, you guys can go wild. But not too wild, right? I mean, it should be obvious that someone is trolling him in certain ways, but not…”

“Darling, we know how to be subtle,” Mukuro said smoothly. “You know this.”

“Sure I do. I also know you’re like a bunch of cats.”

“You say that as if you’re not one, too,” Sin replied.

He shrugged. “Well, in case you didn’t catch it, your name came up in a conversation with Daniela, so it’s potentially a thing for me to get you hired on to help at the school, schatz. It might seem a bit coincidental what with you radiating sunshine all over the place though.”

“What can I say? I have a very sunny personality,” Sin said breezily.

He rolled his eyes at that, given the extreme similarities and differences between people like Sin, Ken, Ryohei, and Lussuria. All weirdly motherly, all dazzling in their own way, but all driven in some kind of obsession.

Sin scowled at him.

He had crusty cobs out the next time Xanxus showed up. Coincidentally (not) a dish of soft butter was also available, and he just so happened to have a variety of deli meats and cheeses in the refrigerator, just in case. Tsuna pointed at various places, but otherwise continued on his quest to create dessert for the next day’s offerings.

As usual, the kid gave him a cautiously curious look as he grabbed a plate, some cobs, a knife, and the butter dish. Those went on the table before Xanxus poked his head into the indicated refrigerator. Shortly thereafter he had fashioned himself two sandwiches.

“What’s all that?” Xanxus asked before biting into his snack.

“Japanese sweets for tomorrow. Daifuku, manjū, and imagawayaki. There’ll be the usual general stuff for the evening meal, but I felt like a bit of home, too. And if I’m going to make some for myself, I may as well offer it to the students.”

“How do you even remember all this shit?” Xanxus asked before taking another bite.

He looked over at the kid and smiled. “A good memory. That and having made things so often. It’s like learning to read people, except with food.” Predictably, that made Xanxus present a vaguely confused expression, but Tsuna declined to explain. Let the kid figure it out on his own, if he could. He could have said potions, but that would have made no sense at all.

Daniela breezed in, took one look at his workspace, and let out a quietly happy sigh. Then she moved to fix herself a snack and take a seat at the table. “You spoil us, Kai.”

He looked up from his island counter and smiled. “You think so?”

“What are the odds of some Japanese dishes for main meals?”

His brow went up. “Do we even have any foreign students?”

Daniela nodded. “Some, not many. Definitely none from Japan. You wonder why I ask.”

“Of course, boss. I know you love my cooking, but… Are you trying to widen the cultural food experience for the students? Or do you just have a certain fondness for Japanese cuisine?”

She wiggled her free hand. “I’ve been all over the world, tried a lot of different foods.”

He laughed. “Gonna have a hankering for African soon, are we? If so, I don’t know a thing about that sort of cooking. I can do a variety of Mexican, though some of that is better left for a build-your-own meal type of setting. You know, something like a taco spread or taco salad deal, where the kids could choose what to add to theirs from the offerings.”

Daniela’s brow went up. “Maybe on a weekend, for lunch.”

He nodded. He found it interesting that Xanxus most likely knew exactly who Daniela was to him, and never once intimated any knowledge of it—at least not around him. Tsuna wouldn’t be surprised if the kid never said anything around the other students, either.

As a street rat he would not want to trade on her name for his own benefit, not if he could prove he was worth it on his own, without being beholden to someone else vouching for him. Things like that—favors—usually came with strings attached, and strings were not always beneficial. Depending on someone else meant your independence was in question, and subject to someone else’s whims.

“Oh, that reminds me,” he said, eyeing Daniela. “Alonzo mentioned that he’s probably going to have to step down. Has he let you know yet?”

She nodded. “Family issues,” she said. “Why don’t we arrange to see if your friend would suit? You did say he was almost as good a cook as you are.”

“Um, sure. Maybe Saturday, two o’clock? Or the evening, whichever. That way he could do his thing without worrying about the dinner service. Anything in particular you’d like him to make as proof of his skill?”

Daniela shook her head. “One main dish with at least one side, requiring moderate skill, and one dessert. That should give me enough to judge by. After all, I first became interested in you after that one dessert.”

“Sounds good,” he said, not mentioning that the entire conversation was beyond odd (or would be if Xanxus had not been a high-ranking Vongola) given that an eight year old boy was sitting there listening. He was doing a fine job of not drawing attention to himself, either, despite sitting in plain view and eating his sandwiches. “I’ll let him know, so he has time to think up what he’ll make.”

His boss nodded, gave a quick smile to the kid, then headed out, taking her snack with her.

Sin drew a blank for some reason.

“Baked chicken teriyaki,” he suggested. “Chicken cordon bleu. Au gratin potatoes? Almond and pear cake?”

Sin nodded. “Chicken cordon bleu is a bit more involved, and therefore a better choice. Yes to the rest.”

“All right. I’ll make sure we have the stuff for you to make it. Then Daniela can taste test, fall in love all over again, and you get hired. Then you can work your own type of charm on the kid.”

“Not that we’ll ever be admitting it,” Sin said dryly. “Or that you’re a Sky and a Cloud and a Mist.”

“We can only hope that Daniela thinks I’m latent, and will think the same of you. Or, at least, not get any twinges. Our flames have fuck all to do with what we’re trying to accomplish here.”

As expected, Daniela was delighted with Sin’s cooking and happily hired him on to replace Alonzo. Funny how he had to leave to deal with “family issues” at such an opportune time.

“On a side note,” Daemon said, “Teo-jiji and his Whiny Bitches are going slightly insane with the pranks we’ve been pulling. Teo-jiji is getting quite upset at the suggestion that he needs so many breath mints, for one.”

Tsuna snickered. “Keep up the good work, my beloved family.”

The next time Xanxus showed up Tsuna and Sin were doing the dance of cooking in preparation for the next day’s meals. Desserts, of course. They were each working on three at a time, with plenty of crossover. To anyone on the outside it might truly look like a dance with intricate steps, without the necessity of words.

Xanxus snatched up a handful of muffins (chocolate banana) and took a seat, then watched as the two of them worked.

If nothing else, Daniela getting to taste their combined efforts would more than explain how a pop-up stand could net them the funds to leave Japan.

A few minutes after the kid arrived they whipped open six of the ovens and shoved their work inside to bake. Timers were set, bread and fixings were acquired, and they both took a seat.

“Yo, kid,” he said as he began to swiftly slice open cobs and lather them with a honey mustard. “How’s it been going? Any luck with finding people who aren’t leeches or suck ups? Even a grumpy little thing like you needs a friend.”

Xanxus scowled at him as Sin sliced a tomato paper thin. “Meh. There’s this one kid. Name’s Squalo of all things. He’s got a mouth like a dock worker, but he knows his shit so far.”

“Oh?” His brow went up as he absently layered tomato and cheese in and around Sin’s efforts with sliced meats and lettuce. A moment later the sandwiches were done and ready to be eaten. “Well, I can’t imagine swearing would upset you much. Sometimes I think people who refrain from swearing are the trickiest of all. Such sweetly poisonous words and refined manners are just another form of…” He trailed off, mostly to see what the kid would say.

“Attack,” Xanxus said with a derisive snort.

It had not escaped Tsuna’s eyes that the kid was taking in the lesson for the day what with the way Xanxus’s eyes had tracked the two of them so intently. After a bite of his scrumptious sandwich he said, “Yeah. And that’s a fine thing if the sweet talker is on your side.”

“Like your triplets?”

Tsuna smirked. “This Squalo kid, well, I imagine if he’s worth the investment, he’ll never be a diplomat.”

“Well it sure as fuck wouldn’t be me,” Xanxus said and peeled the liner off another muffin.

Sin snickered. “Nah, kid. You look more like the aggressive negotiations type. Go do some of that with this Squalo kid, then, see if he can stand up to it, see if he’s got a backbone or if he’s all bark, no bite.” He got up briefly to pour two glasses of wine, then returned to the table, setting one by Tsuna.

He had a sip and hummed in appreciation. It was a sweet red, with the flavor of berries mingled with the usual. It wasn’t quite the thing with sandwiches, but who was he to turn down the occasional glass of something pleasant? His original father he was not.

“The others wanted me to pass on that they’d like one of your apple pies this weekend, tesoro.”

He nodded. “Shoot them a message to pick up some fuji apples, then. I know we already have the other stuff I’d need in storage.”

“Yes, I’ll help.”

“Of course you will, schatz,” he said, bumping his lover’s shoulder before taking another bite of his sandwich.

Xanxus gave them a sharp look for that, but declined to comment.

“Anyone else besides the shark?” he asked, forcefully repressing his memory of an actual death by shark.

“Yeah, a really fucked up dude. A year older. Has this weird thing for crazy hair colours.”

Tsuna’s brow went up. He had not realized that Lussuria was at Mafia School. Then again, he might not recognize him as a child. It did make him wonder if he should include some Thai food in the menu given that he knew Luss practically adored Thai everything.

Naturally, when the end came, it was almost a complete surprise to Tsuna. The usual screaming potent of doom hitched down his spine too late, and he resigned himself to dying (again) and waking up gods knew where.

No one could have predicted that a meteor shower passing over Italy would include a micro-meteorite, or that it would slam right through Tsuna’s skull like one of Sin’s bullets. That it happened in full sight of a good part of the school—well, at least it gave the little blighters some early experience with death.


End file.
